What Being Married Means...

A "happy" relationship is a relationship that leaves you filled in every aspect of the word "happy." You don't need your girlfriends to fulfill the role of having someone listen to you because your partner can't/won't seem to listen to you, even if your life depended on it. A "happy" relationship leaves you feeling those warm, knotting, feelings in your stomach whenever you see that special person after a long day. A "happy" relationship is someone who is your number one BEST FRIEND (not Cindy, no offense to Cindy), but your partner should be your number one (rooting for you, happy for you, encouraging you, spending time together). This is happy.

We've been through it all; so much hardship through our relationship, yet we stayed together because we wanted to truly make it work. We're a team and we signed a contract to each other (we weren't about to default). But it wasn't easy. It was far from easy actually. I was trying to leave my abusive home environment at 19, I was attending the local private Christian School (Greenville University, my late mother taught there), and I was looking for someone to love me, something I'd never felt my whole life.

We first met in a short, sped-up class (in early January 2016) called Cuisine and Culture to fulfill our cross-cultural credit, plus a trip to New Orleans for 5 days. I was ecstatic to start this class. My mother had suggested it in August of 2015 and later died in November of 2015 of Breast Cancer, so I took this to fulfill a wish she had for me. Little did I know, I'd meet the love of my life there.

The first time I saw her... it was heart pounding. She was several seats away from me, I thought she was a senior by how cool she was dressed -- skinny jeans, brown boots, flannel, black specs, with a tuft of hair on her shaved head. It was edgy. It was fierce. I was taken by the grips of my heart. She didn't even know I existed at that time. We did a Jewish Sader together, and she hated the horseradish. I thought it was cute. We still hadn't really talked until we got to New Orleans on the second night.

We met at a shitty jazz club in New Orleans, she was watching the college-aged jazz band performing and I walked up to her and started talking to her. Honestly, I wasn't sure if she was gay or not, keep in mind this was a private Christian school's trip out-on-the town trip. So, you had to use your "gaydar" to "find the gays." I remember it like yesterday. I'd told her I'm bi, at the time, I did like men and women, now I just like women, but that was at the time, I was young and wanted the world, now I'm perfectly fine in my small world. I was hoping she'd tell me she was gay, she didn't. So said some cryptic, "I'd maybe stay at Greenville if I met the right person," because she was about to leave the next semester because the homophobia was REAL at this University and she was done. I took that to mean, well, not me.

We then walked around and around the hotel that night talking and getting to know each other. I wanted her to push me up against the wall and kiss me then and there, but that didn't happen, she wanted to get to know me (how romantic, right?), I was a slut (and proud of it). I told her, "I love cats, I want to pet every single one that I see," in reference to the cat in the parking lot. Alayna then proceeded to chase the cat down a curb, tripped on the curb, fell into a parked car, and fractured her ankle. Lucky she had thick, sturdy boots on, and LOTS of ibuprofen because we didn't go to the hospital. I thought it was romantic. We went to the Denny's that was right next to the hotel after and the waiter brought a huge bag of ice for her ankle.

I found out that she was only a year older than me (Sophomore) and I was a freshman. We talked for hours at Denny's. My nursing school friend helped Alayna up the stairs. I didn't know how to handle my pounding heart this whole time, so I was hot and cold to her for the rest of the trip and then when we got back because I was so scared... "is this love that I'm feeling."

The first night we met after the trip I had my bestie with me, Rachel, and it was 5 am. We had tried to attend a party that night, that was a bust, and I was bold enough to finally see Alayna, who I'd been texting the whole night and she said she was up, so we hung out with her until I passed out at 8am on the same futon as Alayna with my feet touching her leg. I felt hella bold.

After that, we got shortly together. January 29, 2016 it was official. Our journey to happiness was far from that point.

Our early years together were filled with arguments, mental illness, illness, and emotional cheating, but never lying.

We had a lot to sort through. I hardly talked for months because I was so abused from my home environment and Alayna was getting off cocaine. She was separating from her lover. I was handling an undiagnosed mental illness, which was very severe (Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi Polar 2). We didn't know how to handle each other, so we just argued...for hours until we sorted things out and didn't let things go until it was sorted out. We wanted things to work between us. We wanted to be happy.

Our relationship was fighting, making up, and fucking. Dysfunctional as hell. We moved in together after 6 months of dating, got a cat together because I needed an emotional support animal, I dropped out of school, and got a full-time job at Casey's working the donut shift (3:30am-10:45am). It was rough.

But we made it through all of that together through commitment and communication which are the keys to a happy relationship.

Marriage meant dedicating ourselves to bettering ourselves and never giving up on each other.

Marriage means working through the hardships; the ups and downs. Loving each other through the hard times and getting better, progressing. If progress isn't being made, it's hard to love each other.

Marriage is a team effort. How would you make your team better? Communicate ways to better your strategy. Honest communication. If you're cheating, don't keep the lie, tell your partner, and discuss what moves are to be made about it.

If marriage counseling is the route you need. Then take that route. If your partner does something that you don't like, discuss that thing, and work together to better the situation.

Happy marriages are about communication and connection.

Communication.

Honesty.

Connection.

Intimacy.

Not just sex.

LAUGH TOGETHER.

Never go to bed angry.

Resolve fights before going to sleep. This is a crucial one because if fights aren't ended, it leads to resentment.