What Do You Tell a Guy Who Is Shopping For a Prom Dress?

Inquiring minds want to know. Especially mine. Seriously, what do you tell a guy who is shopping for a prom dress?

First, let me mention that my teenage daughter has chosen to live with me the last couple years, as opposed to my ex-wife. Probably because the only thing I never did for my daughter is breastfeed her. I cook, I clean (except for her room, nobody does that), I do her laundry, and I take care of her cat. I make her lunch every week day and put it in her cute little pink lunch box I bought for her. It’s just plain all pink. Wal-Mart didn’t have any of those Barbie lunch boxes when I went shopping. I asked her who else has a lunch box and she replied nobody but her. I keep gluing her picture on it for identification purposes, but she keeps ripping it off. I warm up her car in the morning and clean off the snow. And on and on. Yes, she is a spoiled brat, like most women, but like I told her, “Your job is to make high honors, play sports, and stay out of trouble.” She does, so I do the rest.

I have been through two prom wars, and yet another one is rapidly approaching. I can tell she is already getting ready for the grand event because she wants less in her lunch and she goes tanning a couple times a week. No doubt the subject of a dress will enter the discussion very soon. A date for the prom has always appeared to be the least of her concerns. Oh, and it’s not just one prom per year. She has gone to three each of the last two years and was asked to more but declined.

Now, last year her mother was living in another state far away so I was totally in charge. My daughter told me what to do, and I did it. No doubt her mother gave input, but it was long-distance. This year her mother is living nearby. Their tentative plan will likely be that they will get the dress and I will get the bill. I know how these devious feminine minds work.

My best suggestion in the past has been let’s go to the thrift stores and pick out a dress. I mean, you can get a used one really cheap. I buy all my clothes at the thrift stores, so I am quite the bargain shopper. But my daughter will have none of that. Also, in an attempt to bring some levity to the situation, I asked, “Why don’t you try on a pink shower curtain?” She snarled at me like she does when I wake her up in the morning. I just can’t understand why an expensive IPhone 4 doesn’t wake up a person. Oh yeah, we had to get her another one of those recently because the first one got damaged. That nightmare is another story, but I won’t tell it, because I’ll be swearing at Bill Gates and company.

Last year, the first dress she brought home she took back to the boutique the next day. I asked if she had any trouble returning it. She indicated no, that she told the saleswoman, “My dad liked it” and the lady nodded in complete understanding. So the white one in the picture is the one she ended up with. I paid $450 for the dress and then $50 for the alterations. There hardly appears to me to be enough material to possibly cost $450. I won’t include the $50 for alterations, because that made it even less material. She wore the dress to the first two proms and then borrowed a dress from a friend for the third one. So she has worn the dress exactly twice, which to me adds up to $250 per wearing. Can you imagine how many cases of beer I could buy for that?

Listen to this. Last year her date for the first prom shows up at the door, but she’s not there yet. She’s at her girlfriends still getting ready. So he sits down at the kitchen table and we have a meaningful conversation for a half hour. One where I asked the questions and he answered them. That’s him there in the tux. You can’t see me at the other end of the table, but you can see the big stack of papers I was asking questions from. Incidentally, in case you wondered, I can’t afford luxuries like vases due to extraordinary expenses for things like prom dresses and IPhones so I just put the flowers in my beer mugs. I have plenty of those. As you can tell, her kitty liked him, so I felt reassured the evening would go according to my plan. I guess they had a swell time, but soon thereafter he had a new girlfriend.

The white dress now hangs in the closet right next to the blue one, from the year before, in the other picture. It only cost $400 plus $50 for alterations. Actually, it cost another $50 for cleaning after the first prom that year. That there was another crisis. At first we couldn’t find a place that could or would clean it in time for the next prom. I’m describing this calmly, but let me tell you, this was not a calm situation. She had slopped grease on it from dinner before the prom. So if she wore it with grease on it to the first prom, why couldn’t she wear it with grease on it to the second prom?

The last picture is a dress of hers I really like. In fact, I bought it for her. “Why not wear that?” I offered hopefully. “Just to be different.” She is somewhat of a nonconformist at times. Not this time. I got the silent treatment for a couple hours.

And then there’s the talk, but I’ll save that for another hub. The talk I give her every time she goes out on a date. Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.

So hit me up with some suggestions, people, for this year’s prom. What I am trying to avoid is another out of money experience. Thank you Lord this is the last year for a prom dress. I just pray that next year does not bring talk of a wedding dress.

Epilogue

These are pictures from the May 5, 2012 prom featuring the limousine that cost $850 for 3 hours and the latest prom dress. She will be going to another prom on May 12, this time riding in a horse-drawn carriage. I hope to get pictures of the horse and hope it doesn't cost as much.

Here's the horse that took my daughter to the May 12, 2012 prom. For $250, I would have expected Mr. Ed, but the horse didn't say anything to me.