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Love In Marriage: Destiny or Choice?
With Valentine's Day drawing near, I thought it was a perfect time to share my thoughts on this subject of love but more specifically love in a marriage. Have you ever wondered if love is something predetermined or if it is something you choose? I have often wondered about it myself. It certainly does seem that at times we have no choice over who we love but other times it seems like we have to choose whether or not to love someone- particularly in a marriage where your spouse may seem completely unlovable.
What really has me questioning this is my relationship with my husband- I am just going to put it all out here. There is nothing like that feeling of newness and excitement early on our relationship. At that point in time it seemed like everything was perfect and God had truly brought the right person into my life. I thought he could very well be my soul mate and I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He eventually asked me to marry him and of course, I said yes. We talked about growing old together and for a while it seemed quite possible but it's been a few years since then. Do we still feel that way today? I can't speak for him but my honest answer is I do not know and sometimes it feels more like a no than yes.
What has happened to us is what I think happens to a lot of married couples. We got caught up in the newness of the relationship and didn't really get to know the other before we made our vow to God. I used to hear it all the time, two people should get to know each other before making a huge decision like getting married. I think we both entered into the marriage with different concepts of marriage was, who the other person was and possibly with different goals as far as the marriage. For me, I had been married before and had felt years of guilt for my part in the break up in my first marriage and really kind of longed to do it again but to do it the right way this time (that's funny!) and took the vows very serious. He had been married too but I do not recall any kind of conversations between us as to what his goal in our marriage was and now that I look back I do not see where he had expressed much loyalty and respect as far as vows go. I guess it was something that I assumed he took as seriously as I did.
Our views on marriage, specifically the vows exchanged between us in church in front of God and our family, have seemed to turn out quite different. It seems to me, as time goes on, the most important principle to observe as far as our vows is perseverance in seeking for God to come into our relationship and do whatever we have to do to try and improve our situation together. I feel very strongly that since we took this vow together in the presence of God that He will bless our marriage- as long as we both seek to do His will in our marriage and that is where the problem comes in I think. This is why I believe that love is sometimes a choice we make rather than something that we are just blessed with between each other. I think we can be blessed with that love in our relationship but that love isn't something that always comes easy. I think it something we have to seek God's help with.
Our marriage has been anything but perfect. There has been a lot of lies and deceit in our relationship. We have both lost trust in each other for different reasons. We are both alcoholics and drug addicts in recovery and we have both had battles with relapse since our marriage which makes it even more difficult but I still feel strongly that since I took that vow in front of God that He will bless our relationship if we seek Him and that we are truly meant to be together because it is a choice we made in front of Him and He will bless that choice as long as we both perseverance in doing the right thing in the marriage. The right thing to me is staying together because of our vow to God and by doing that He will make it right with us. I do admit at times I wonder if I even want to be married to him. I wonder if I will ever truly trust my husband and wonder if I will ever get over this bitterness I have over certain things that have happened. Sometimes I feel unwilling to even try but when I think about what is truly the right thing to do, I should try. I believe that when you make a vow to God you should take that seriously. I know I keep mentioning vows but that is really what it all boils down to. I don't know if people really understand the seriousness of it. I did this time around.
A huge problem in our marriage is that my husband has made the decision that we are incompatible and he really believes that because of this "incompatibility" that we can't be happy together, ever. I see it differently than that though. I do not focus on the incompatibility as much as I focus on God and how He can bring us together and help us love each other in spite of our differences. Are there really irreconcilable differences in a marriage blessed by God? I do not think so because all things are possible with God especially when you have asked Him into your marriage. So, I think it comes down to asking God into our marriage- both of us. I guess eventually if we can not at least come together in the common purpose of asking God to come in and direct our marriage, our marriage will probably fail. I guess we will see how things go. I certainly can't MAKE my husband stay if he eventually makes the decision to leave me but I suppose I could feel good that I gave it MY best.
Considering all of my thoughts on the subject as I end this hub, I really do think that true love (type of love that can endure time) is really more of a choice than predestination. I think true love develops over time and is not something that you just instantly find. I don't really believe God has a soul mate out there for each of us (at least not for me, anyway) He gave us free will to choose as we please. I think that we find a person (who maybe at the time we think we are in love with unless you are smart enough to really get to know the person before making the commitment of marriage) and by making the choice to bring God into the relationship, like when exchanging vows in marriage, He will make that person our soul mate provided we BOTH seek His will in our relationship. True love is about sacrifice and finding common ground instead of the differences. I believe God can help us do these things in marriages but I think it takes two willing parties. Of course there ARE exceptions.. I don't think God would want me to be in a relationship where I am being physically or verbally abused and things of that nature. I believe His will for me (or any of us) would definitely be to get out of that situation.
Writing this hub feels really good to me and I think I may even share this hub with my husband if it ever feels to be the right time. It truly IS the way I feel. Thank you for reading about my thoughts on this subject and I look forward to maybe hearing some of yours.