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What Does My Man Need From Me?

Updated on February 12, 2018
Pertunia Lehoka profile image

Pertunia Lehoka is a wife and mother of two, based in Pretoria, South Africa. She is a Speaker, a Relationship Coach & an Author.

What Does My Man Need From Me?

Building a marriage can seem misleadingly simple but it is not. In order to build a very strong and lasting relationship and ultimately marriage that can withstand even the toughest storms, one needs to have a few things in place in the very early stages of one’s relationship and marriage. Unless we have rock solid foundations in our marriages, they will unavoidably be built on shaky grounds. If we let our marriages mature by chance, likelihood of them succeeding is very slim to none.

Ladies, should your spouse lose his job, money and ability to provide, would you still love him and continue to help him get back on track? What if he beats himself up for all this and becomes impossible to live with? Would you pack your bags and go or, would you go down on your knees and pray, seeking God’s face, the one who is the Architect of the institution of marriage?

  • What if he is no longer able to work his magic in the bedroom due to illness but, you constantly feel the heat? Would you seek solace outside or continue praying to the Architect of this institution… God himself?
  • My answer to all those questions is simple. This is when you would need to start interrogating your inner self seriously, asking him/her what the vows you took meant.

In sickness and in health, for rich or poor, for better or worse: These are not just words, they are deep and should never be uttered without thinking clearly.

Sickness itself can mean a number of things. It does not just mean an occasional flu or headache or even some chronic health issues which, with the help of appropriate treatment, a person can be able to live a fulfilling life. What about the loss of the major senses or organs of the body, i.e. eyes, hearing, kidneys, limbs, mental capacity, etc.?

The following are some of the things that husbands generally need from their wives, which are not necessarily comprehensive:-

  • Men need their women to respect them. This is one trait shared by all men. They need to know that their efforts are acknowledged and that they are not belittled. Respect doesn’t mean bowing from here to Katatura and back… please. Do give him his place as the head of the family, whether you are the President of your company or not. Let him lead the household.

Gentlemen, please understand that it is a woman’s right to question where you are leading her to, if she feels uncomfortable. Giving you space as the head of the family doesn’t mean that, even if she can see that there is a ditch ahead, she should keep quiet. That will be going against the reasons why God appointed her a helper… your helper. A helper’s job is invaluable and please never refuse to sit down with your wife and seek guidance.

As women, we need to be loved and treated well with affection. We need our men to be strong and not gamble with our safety and security. We also need to be respected and to never be made to feel insecure.

  • Ladies, have you ever considered that at times, when it seems like our spouses do not understand us, it may simply be because we literally “come from different planets?” Remember that as women, we sometimes make an error of expecting men to read our minds, whereas we do not voice out what is bothering us.

Bear in mind that as women, we have been blessed with a heightened sense of intuition and a few men have it as well. Men expect us to lay it all out on the table and say exactly what we want, need or are feeling at any given time.

  • In other words, do not expect your man to be a mind reader. It will only lead to disaster, misunderstandings and heartache. Tell him what you want and need, without dropping hints. It is never a good idea to say, “Can’t you see? “Can’t you understand what I’m feeling?” “If you really love me, you will know exactly why I’m hurting.”

Trust me, they rarely notice until you display your displeasure with your mood or body language perhaps. Let us also remember that most people take longer to mature and if your man is immature, in his mind, he might have been teasing you, as “boys” normally do. Most of the time, this is negligible. Do utilize your own discernment in this instance though, to make sure that you are reading the situation correctly. You know your partner better than anyone and you are better able to work out if he has matured enough to stop acting in a “boyish” manner or not.

  • Men need to be needed. Nothing knocks a man’s ego down than to be involved with a woman who is able to do everything for herself. This does not mean that they are justified to feel that way. It is in their nature to want to solve problems and to be of help to their women, just so they can get some kind of reward. It is a good idea to afford them the opportunity to court us without necessarily taking the lead.
  • Should the fiscal situation in the household change dramatically, such that every cent is counted, naturally as women, we might be tempted to seek help from our own families. I urge you kindly not to do so as this move will surely strip him of his dignity and affect him negatively. As his appointed counsel, a woman is also bound by duty, to help him to be able to lead the family and to be able to purchase all household necessities. Better yet, it might be a good idea to go to work or add a second income as well.

NB: Inside every man, lies a need of knowing that what he does for his family has a positive impact and that he is needed.

  • Appreciate all efforts your man makes and verbalize them. Men might not be creatures that speak easily about their feelings but, they do expect us to verbalize what we are feeling as mentioned above. They need to know how we feel about the efforts they put in their work, in an effort to give the family a comfortable life. Mostly, they prefer showing their love and commitment with deeds. This does not mean that an occasional gift, dinner date or any other act of kindness won’t be appreciated gentlemen. You do not have to stop doing the little things you used to do, when you were still trying to court your woman.

Therefore, ladies we should not be shy to let them know that we appreciate how hard they work. This will fulfill their sense for their existence in our lives as well as meaning and purpose.

When a man knows his efforts are appreciated, he is naturally encouraged to do more.

  • A man needs to know that as his woman, you believe in his abilities and you trust him to fulfill his mandate. In other words, he needs to know that you are his greatest supporter and cheerleader. It is advisable for a woman to also attempt to help her husband recognize his talents and gifts and to honour God with them, if he is oblivious of these. If his confidence has gone down due to undesirable circumstances that might have taken place in his life, his wife does need to step up and help him rebuild his life and get back on track.
  • Let us bear in mind that men find it difficult to shower women with love and affection if they constantly belittle or criticize them. Therefore, let us help our men become the best versions of themselves and remind them why we fell in love with them.
  • Cook well for him. We should be the reason our men rush home from work to have our best meal, not our helpers’ meals! Otherwise, this could be asking for trouble. If he’s the cooking type, always let him know that you appreciate this.
  • Should a woman feel aggrieved, it is imperative that she communicate with her husband first, prior to speaking to anybody else. She should certainly avoid seeking solace from another man’s shoulder – this is the biggest sin against her man she can ever do. Should she find herself confiding in another man other than her husband, that is a huge red flag on the marriage and it might be a good idea to seek help immediately as, that borders on emotional infidelity, which is fertile ground for physical infidelity. This applies to both men and women.
  • Avoid airing your man’s dirty laundry out there – not to your family, friends, colleagues and certainly not on social media. His flaws of all kinds, need to remain in your bedroom and as mentioned, his dignity lies in your hands. Gentlemen, this applies to you as well. Your wife’s honour lies in your hands.
  • Lastly and most important, but certainly not least. We should always pray for our spouses. This is a non-negotiable requirement for all marriages.

© 2018 Pertunia Lehoka


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