What does a girl need to be asked out?
Why aren't those "nice guys" asking you out, you ask? Look in the mirror, and you will find your answer.
Naturally curious to find answers for all my confusion in life, I recently took advantage of the opportunity to talk to a group of singles at a Happy Hour get together in my hood. Upon arriving at the local bar, a single guy immediately started in with the compliments (of course, he was already a beer ahead of me with the liquor intake).
"You have a gorgeous smile." Well, thank you! That's a nice icebreaker.
"We are so happy to have you join us. You look great!" Wow, feeling the acceptance at this stage.
"You are so beautiful and smart-- why are you still single?" Record screech. Now I feel like Quasimodo who can't get a guy to ask me out.
Then I turned my attention to a guy who was with a woman, and they both seemed like fun individuals. They had been seeing each other for four months, so it was safe to say they were in a relationship. I asked the gentleman, "why is it that guys gush about how great a catch I am, and yet, I never get asked out?"
At this point, without any jealous stares from his 4-month main squeeze, he flatly replied, "you're not average."
Record screech.
"What? That's not fair!" I tell him. But he goes on: "Guys are intimidated by hot women, assuming they'll reject them, so they go with the 'safe' bet. The average woman." At this point, I start becoming irritated. I thought, all these years, that men are visual creatures, and are attracted to the most eye-catching species of their counter-parts. Millions of articles I read backed me up on this. Shoot, lots of men have confirmed this. Unfortunately, the types of men who actually ask me out are the "players" who don't care if they hurt my feelings, or better put, have been rejected by so many women that they grow a thick skin.
Case in point: a guy was pursuing me on Facebook, and I knew nothing about him, other than he was alumni to my alma mater. He seemed OK, and his looks were, eh, mediocre, but he had confidence to make the "first move" to contact me and ask if we could meet. Then this message entered my inbox:
"Sheila this is 'D's' girlfriend, It's obvious I need to cut him out of my life after 2 years, no offense to you, I find it interesting how he makes himself appear single. Again, I'm not looking for trouble, just leaving him evidence of his wrong doings. Thanks"
Ouch. I stopped messaging him immediately. Or her. Whatever.
Then there are those shy guys-- you know, the sweet, caring and nice types. I've heard about them, and they are a docile and illusive creature, kind of like deer in the forest. You hear about them, but seldom will you come face to face with them, and if you do, they dart in another direction if they notice you.
Well, can I say it chaps my hide that these special, gentle men out there are really shooting themselves in the foot by not making the first step? No pun intended. Um, I recently talked to my favorite gal at the checkout in my regular nearby store. She snickered and leaned in to tell me that a guy who works there has a "crush on me."
What? Who?
She says that when last we talked and I left, he went over to tell her that he "would so marry me." I giggled and said, "that's sweet-- he doesn't even know me!" I begged her to point me in his direction, and she pointed to a sweet, young guy who I just cracked a joke about St. Patrick's Day before I entered the store. He was pushing the carts together, using his cute, little deer hooves. Bless his young soul.
So why didn't he just go ahead and make a first move?
Moral of the story: You don't need to be a hot, smokin' thing for a guy to make the first move. Just be average. Sorry for those of you who consider yourselves "less" than average, but let the thought of hot women everywhere feeling just as lonely comfort you. To this day, I have never been asked out on a date from showing up in public. Damn those stupid articles about how "love finds you when you least expect it, and it will be serendipity." They meant "average women."
My suggestion: go online for dating. The shy guys are less "intimidated" to make the first move. Only problem so far: the shy guys who make the first move online are the ones who know you're out of their league.
Shout out to the hot guys who are shy: Make your move, and don't second guess yourself. The average girls are always waiting on the sideline, but if you don't take a chance, you'll never know if you could have filet mignon instead of meatloaf.
Comments
Wow, Sheila! This is a bit different side of you. Of course, I don't don't really know you. Speaking as one of those average (or less than average) guys, this was a really encouraging hub up until the last couple of paragraphs. Of course, shy average guys are interested in the hot women as much as the hot guys. But with comments like:
"Only problem so far: the shy guys who make the first move online are the ones who know you're out of their league."
Statements like that only validate their (our) belief hot women are unobtainable. If a hot woman acknowledges it, why should the average guy have reason to believe he would have a chance? It just seems to contradict what you are saying in the rest of the article.
Also, I'd guess the "average girls" on the sideline would really appreciate that last line! At least, as an average guy, I know I wouldn't prefer to be referred to as "meatloaf" by a gorgeous woman.
Sorry, if this seems too negative. I know I'm just one guy and some may say I'm full of it but, well, it's just my two cents worth ...
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Sorry if the statement offended you, Rick, it wasn't my intention. I just think people should approach dating realistically. I even have in my profile, "message me if you think you're my equal." That goes for everything: intelligence, motivation in life, fitness, and physically appealing.
Don't forget that I'm trying to recover from "settling" in my previous relationships, so it's hard to be more selective, but I remind myself that I should focus on my needs more than worry about what others think. Now I realize that I'd rather stay single than overlook the fact that I'm not attracted to a guy, physically. Life is too short for that.
No offense taken, Sheila, but I could see how some could. You know I have pretty realistic expectations myself. It just seems to contradict what you had been saying in the rest of the hub but it's probably just the way I interpreted. I'll shut up now!
Very nicely done!
My guess is you are right about the "players" and "bad boys" having confidence. (Having been both) in my "Hey days" lol. Rejection to us was the same as saying "next".
However I think sometimes the women of today have forgotten how to flirt with men they are (interested in) whether it be verbally or physically. Some women give off a "cold vibe" or appear stand-offish or "not personable". Men who won't approach them are not "intimidated" by her looks so much as they are (rejecting her attitude). A hot looking girl who smiles and laughs easily looks like someone a guy would like to spend time with. (There are gender differences in how men and women reject one another.) Women reject men (directly) by saying "no". Men reject women (indirectly) by not approaching them in the first place.
For example a woman in nightclub patting her foot and bouncing her head to the music is a sign she wants to dance. However a guy walks right past her and asks another woman from across the room to dance. Without an exchange of words he has "rejected" the other woman. Whether one is rejected (directly) or (indirectly) it hurts if you were interested in them. I'm not saying there aren't some men who are so scared of rejection they won't approach a hot looking woman,I'm just saying they are more afraid of (rejection) than they are "intimidated". Another ploy some guys use is simply to sit back and ignore a beautiful woman while the rest of the guys pursue her. The thinking is her curiosity will cause her to wonder why he's not chasing her. I once heard a woman say, "We ignore those who adore us and adore those who ignore us."
I also suspect nice guys don't want to come off as "jerks" trying to use "pick-up lines". No one really enjoys rejection (including women) therefore most people are looking for a hint of a sure thing that will not be shot down. Some women are afraid to approach men or they (choose) to fall back on tradition as being their reason for not doing so. From my point of view it doesn't matter who started the conversation. The important thing is there was a conversation. Too many nice guys are worried about looking like "jerks" and too many women are worried about looking "easy" so both people miss out on a possible great opportunity. "Risk little, win little". FYI - Most women also find it easier to approach men online than they do in person as well. :-)
dashingscorpio: I just happened to see your comment and read it. I cannot speak from any knowledge other than my own experience, but I believe if a woman must approach a man, or make the first move as some Americans say, then he is simply not that interested in that woman. Best for that woman to forget about the man who is 'sitting back' as you say, and give more attention to the men who are showing an interest in her.
From personal observations, a person's look plays an important part but attitude is the trump card. Most men would prefer to go after a so-called "average" woman who is smiling and approachable rather than risk being shot down by an attractive woman who is looking down her nose at them. For those individuals who are lucky enough to be endowed with beauty, brains and modesty, they have the hardest time finding a mate with similar traits as these types of individuals are few and far in between. It all ends up being a numbers game as there are only a select few who meet all of these desired traits. Therefore, my question to you is would you rather be an “average” person with an above average chance of finding a similar mate or an “above average” person with a below average chance of meeting a similar mate?
The biggest problem I have is knowing if someone is in a relationship. I do not like to tread on someone elses 'claim'. And with the experiences that I have had where all the women I have been attracted to and asked for a date have been in a relationship. Why even try anymore. I am not a shy person, but with my present luck it's like banging my head against a wall. All I get is bloody and more callous. I need a hint that someone is interested in me and single. My sensetivity is so numb to subtlties that I basically need 2x4 anymore.
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Good points brought up: I agree that beauty without humility or a positive vibe is meaningless. Anyone who knows me in person would vouch for me, that I most definitely have both of those qualities. And I agree with the point about men should make the first move. If he's too shy to do that, then he doesn't have enough backbone to be with me.
Rising Tide: you're right-- the numbers are stacked against me to find an equal. I'm patient-- single, but not desperate.
Frank: yikes! I know right? Seems the situation is the same everywhere... the ones who are worth being in a relationship with already are. Wahhhh! Oh well, if I ever do meet a great guy who's single, I'll really, REALLY appreciate what I have.
Interesting article and debate going on here. I was attracted to a guy once and he was very shy. We would go out for breakfast throughout several months and I kept hoping it would turn into a real date, but no way. Then, I left to go to Alaska and he revealed that he was very interested in me via email. REally? How could I have known this? So, as stated in one of the comments: a missed opportunity because neither of us took the direct approach and communicated this.
I eventually left Alaska and we are still friends, still have breakfast on occasion, and still do this dance on the fringe of romance. But, after ten years, I'm realistic about the fact that we will only be 'just friends'.
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Ah, Denise, that sucks! I want a happy ending at all times... too bad some guys let shyness/inhibitions/stupidity get in the way. No matter what: my best intentions are with you. May life give you inspiration to do great things; whether you report about your own success story, or share your inspirational tale of heartbreak. I'm all for happy endings, and the glass is always half full, no matter what the circumstance.
I dunno, I have tried to ask out plenty of "shy" guys only to be met with blatant panic. After all these years, I still don't get asked out. Not going to solve that mystery anytime soon!
I've always wanted to date. I think I'm attractive, nice and fun. I don't do the bar scene but I often meet people at school that I'm attracted to. I flirt and make friends but I never get asked out. This is not a new problem. In high school I had few dates. I have asked men out and that always seems to be be the kiss of death. I agree that if a man likes you he will make it known. Any advise?
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Ah Jessie: I can totally relate! I do get asked out, but it's the "alpha male" types (who are also the players). I was always a peppy, social personality type, so I couldn't understand throughout high school why guys never asked me on dates. Well, now I'm well out of high school, and the nice guys still are too shy.
It's frustrating! I just read this today: if you like a guy and are scared of the "kiss of death" by asking him out, just suggest, "hey, we should hang out and do something." You might get rejected, but with practice, you'll grow a thick skin.
And I think you are gorgeous-- shame on those guys for being tight-lipped about asking you out on dates! Good luck. I think the best way to get asked out is if you're already friends with a guy, and you both sort of like each other. Some guys just take time to warm up and get some courage.
I always get crushes on men and it never works out. Right now I'm into this nerdy guy who is so not my type. I will probably see him next semester but I'm afraid I already showed my hand by friending him. He has not accepted my friend request. I don't like set ups because if I meet someone I can tell if I like them or not right away and it's a lot of pressure to like someone's friend, cousin, etc. I'm debating about taking new photos and re-doing my online dating profiles but with that I find I'm only attracted to looks which is not like me in real life. I also feel that because I rarely get asked out, less than once every few years, that I have to say yes and try to like them. I'm not obsessed with having a boyfriend, really, but I do want to date.
It's kind of funny because you go throughout the whole story and make some sense, you almost seem like you get it. Attract a man by being real, the real you, the not trying to impress too much, be wonderful as you are, be approachable, be friendly ---------------and then WHAM, the real you comes out at the end with:
"Shout out to the hot guys who are shy: Make your move, and don't second guess yourself. The average girls are always waiting on the sideline, but if you don't take a chance, you'll never know if you could have filet mignon instead of meatloaf."
Seems like you really missed the point of romance, it's about connecting, compatibility - ------------you are still hung up on the exterior, that's called vanity, no wonder you never get asked out. I learned something from the article, I bet I will get more dates, too bad you missed the main message.
Hey, I'm one of those shy guys...It's stinks being a shy guy, but being from such a small town I'm just not use to big scenes. It's the reason I can give good advice, those that can't do, teach :) that's me lol
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That's it: time to tap into my inner cougar and just approach guys I'm interested in. I've always been someone who went after things I wanted in life, so men should be no different.
That would end the insanity quote: up until now, I've only dated men that asked ME out. I bet I'd encounter a different experience if I went after the shy type.
Thanks for commenting, isenhower.
Let the women approach, then, at least you know that they are interested.It appears that they are willing to say ANYTHING to get guys to make the approaches so that THE WOMEN won't be rejected. How convenient!
Hi wonderful1.
Your hub got me to thinking, so I wrote this hub in response. I hope it addresses your questions to a level that is helpful to you. The article name is: "One Shy Guys Approach to Hot Women; A Response for Wonderful1"
Good thought provoking hub. Nice!
If you wish to be asked out, then you need to make it as easy as pie for the man that you select.
That means moving into his proximity, so he does not need to approach you. Men are intimidated to approach. Next, you need a casual remark, to break the ice. Men can’t do that either. Finally, you need to demonstrate interest, because again, the losers can’t tell what you are thinking. Last, you need to signal your availability, so that even the dumbest, shyest man can see a big, flashing green light, that tells him this is a sure thing.
There are two types of men. The players and the rest of them. The players go up and make all this happen and get tons of dates. The rest of the men sit back and watch women walk away, never to be seen again. If you want one of the shy, nervous, insecure men, then YOU are gonna have to make it happen.
The good news is that most of them are desperate lonely, so they will quickly offer you love and commitment, if only you will accept them. If you make a mistake and approach a confident, secure man, just look down, and find the ring on his finger, because he will be taken already.
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I know, right? There's like a five-minute window between relationships for the great guys out there and I haven't been lucky enough to make it there in time.
There is this cute younger man at my work and he came over at our Christmas party to start a conversation. Well, I started out by saying I don't date 20-something guys anymore (not knowing at the time he's mid-twenty). We talked all night and had fun while he explained how his "girlfriend" left him for another guy. I asked if she had a problem with her eyes (because he's gorgeous) and incredibly sweet, too.
Well, we occasionally bump into each other and have small talk but nothing more than that. I recently found out (not by him) that he has a girlfriend again. Now, it seems like a short breath since December, but I guess young men don't like staying on their own too long. I guess that's another reason why I don't take them seriously: they don't know what they're looking for in a woman, they just don't want to be alone. Or at least that's what I'm observing.
This is harsh, but you are not 20-something anymore. And, that is probably why he did not pursue you. The reality is that you spent so much time in a dead-end marriage that you have aged past the men that you desire most. I’d venture to say that you have gray hairs that you need to conceal on a routine basis.
Men in their 20’s dream of a girlfriend that looks like Kate Upton. She is single, never married and she does not have any kids. She is spontaneously sexual and she is exciting and alluring when she is in bed with a man.
As bad as it hurts to accept that, you need to understand that you simply cannot compete with women like Kate Upton.
Now, you can get sex from a 20-something man. Just offer him a no-strings sexual adventure. Just be aggressive and ask him if he would like to meet you after work, for sex. Make him swear to keep it a secret. Seduce him with erotic conversation. Promise him the oral pleasures that will drive him crazy. It’s not too hard to get a 20-something man excited.
But, what will you get from this? At the most, a few hours of passion and sexual pleasure. Then, he will clean up and return to pursuing a woman that looks like Kate Upton. You can screw his brains out, but it will never change the fact that you are simply too old for him.
Clearly, you have a situation there. The older men who do find you attractive are not attractive to you.
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