Fragments of dialogues between you and me

you ask,

packing your bag,

again,

one more time,

last time?

"Who hasn't suffered?"

It can feel downright dark

and painfully ghastly down,

the feeling of empty bed

in the depth of night.

I take your hand and try to be brave:

"If you decide

to leave,

to forget,

I understand."

"Look, it is just temporary..."

you avoid my gaze and move away.

"Everything is temporary,"

I cry out,

"imperfect, even unsatisfying."

You start to pace,

running your fingers

through your thick brown hair

I suddenly long so much to touch,

"When you live passionatelly,"

you stop and look me into eyes:

"if you care enough,

however much you gain,

ulitmately you cannot escape loss?"

My body has shut down,

I expect the worst,

I can hardly find the hope to move,

I feel so utterly lost

I can't even scream.

You come to me

taking both of my hands in yours:

"Have you ever come across a person

who hasn't suffered an illness or loss?

You will not be the only one."

"You can't take it anymore,

can you?

What is the point

to struggle up

when it is so easy

to fall,

full of tears and wrong turns

is my life

leading to the dead end,

better to be alone

for you

then..."

"It is your depression

talking through you now,"

you collapse at the edge

of our bed,

my bed

and sigh.

I sit next to you

trying hard not to cry:

"If we could just hope for one more dawn,

one more chance..."

"I've got a friend,

close friend

who suffers

intolerable pain,

relentlesly

reaching

into the realm

beyond anything

and yet somehow

she survives,

she continues with one more breath,

she lives on..."

you smile suddenly,

your eyes glazed by love.

I look at you feeling a sting of jelaousy:

"Suffering does end.

It always does.

Even if death is its final word,

who is she?"

"I just met her, she reached out

and touched the depth of my soul,

something changed within me,

when I hear her cry,

I am moved to tears

because I know what it is like."

Your voice break,

there is a hard chunk

of grief in your throat,

I can sense it,

I can feel it.

Suddenly I feel

your arms

around my shoulders,

drawing me to you.

It is so good to be held.

If only our relationship

can be distilled

into simple,

wordless

gestures

of comfort.

Why has humans

ever learned to talk?

I close my eyes

breathing your scent

I think of the time

when we used to share

thoughts

feelings

and kisses

like there was no tomorrow.

Quietly,

inobtrusively,

I start to recite:

'Would you find me lost

in the early morning mist?

I would

and I will.

Following your footsteps

wherever they lead

until I reach your hand

and whisper into your ear:

"You are safe,

I am here."

You look me into eyes

in a sudden recognition

of the words,

painless words,

lovely words,

you have once

written

to me:

'It pains me to know

that you wouldn't,

it saddens me to know

that I wished

so desperately

you would.'

You kiss me genltly

on my forehead

while I try to remember...

'Let me grieve

for a while

for the things

in the past

that haven't matched

my dreams

and yet I know

deep down

only few

are able to love

the way I do

and shouldn't be expected to…'

You look at me suddenly

with that loving expression of yours

that I become so accustomed to

so I eagerly continue:

'I am sad but I am not

it is hard to explain

I need to get it out

before I can move on

bearing in mind

our starting lines

have been mismatched,

there is nothing else

I can do

just keep loving you,

hoping

our finishing lines

somewhere

sometime

match in one.'

I see tears in your eyes,

tears of times long gone,

when you take

the words of love

out of my mouth:

'I don't expect anything from you

anything more

that you are giving me

everyday

and yet

the sudden realisation

of the priceless gifts

given out of love

and not being received

make me feel

somehow

cheated on

and vulnerable,

even if I fully admit

I put myself

to this position,

not you….'

I place a finger on your lips

to silence you,

because these are the words

I want to tell you:

'Maybe I just

want

you

to feel my sadness

the naked feelings of yesterday

that surfaced

suddenly

uninvitedly

from the depth

of your consciousness

I just

can't get

rid of

that unpleasant

taste.'

A lonely tear

rolled down my cheeck

and you wiped it gently.

'Release me

from that prison

of my own making,

dry my tears

I can not explain,

you want to feel

my nakendness,

I can sense your longing,

blind with love

you can not see

I have already lost

all my clothes

long time ago....'

You look at me

and I look back at you:

"Are we destined to love?"

I ask shivering

suddenly

while you are putting your coat over me.

"Yes we do,'

you smile sadly

kissing me goodbye

before closing the door

behind you,

quietly.