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What Not to Say to Women (From Personal Experience)

Updated on December 5, 2011

Hopefully I Have Company

There are certain phrases that should never be used towards women - whether it is a relative, wife, girlfriend, or stranger. This is common knowledge. Common knowledge that I often forget.

Though I consider myself a man of charm (if you question this, read A Flawless Way to Meet Women), I am often also a man with a whole lot of foot in his mouth. Perhaps it is because I like to talk before a think. Maybe I just say it as it is. Or it could even be that I simply enjoy slightly awkward situations. Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to say things with the purest of motives and still somehow end up uncomfortably in trouble (of course, still not as uncomfortable as someone would be if they wet their pants in public - if this concerns you read How to Appear Like You Have Dry Pants When You Don't).

Whether you are reading this for a laugh, with a desire to prevent an awkward situation yourself, or out of pure concern for the ladies in my life, I hope it provides you with both entertainment and a better understanding of how to express yourself appropriately to the more beautiful gender. And don't hesitate to develop your personal humor more through The Alphabet of Humor: C is for Character Development.


The Situations

What I Said: "Looking Rather Large"

Who I Said It To: My pregnant cousin after walking in the door and noticing that she was, indeed, pregnant.

My Intended Translation: "Wow! You are going to have an absolutely beautiful baby very soon. One that will benefit society, change the world, and quite possibly solve world hunger. Congratulations on this soon to be new addition to your family."

What I Said: "You're Pretty Cool"

Who I Said It To: My girlfriend.

My Intended Translation: "I find you to be the most fascinating and charming of all women. Spending time with you is the most valuable use of every second. Your captivating smile, exciting personality, and love for others makes my life that much better. Thank you."

What I Said: "Yes"

Who I Said It To: A female friend who asked me if she should go to the gym more. Whoops!

My Intended Translation: "You are a great looking and healthy woman who I am sure already has many men chasing after you. Out of all woman-kind you would be the least of which to need the gym. However, because maintaining a healthy lifestyle is recommended by 999,999 out of 1,000,000 doctors, it might, maybe, kinda, just a little, be good to attend the gym for a little bit, now and again - more as an inspiration to other women then out of a need for it yourself."

What I Said: "No"

Who I Said It To: Mom - when being asked to help clean (a few years back...)

My Intended Translation: "My dearest of all mothers, you are a great women who I respect more than anyone in my life. I would do anything for you out of pure love (and a desire to avoid punishment). Because of my undying love for you, I do not want to take away something that you gain significant amounts of pleasure from. I know that you gain satisfaction from taking care of me - I would hate to take this away from you."

What I Said: "Woman!"

Who I Said It To: A Variety of female friends when requesting that they hurry up or get something for me while they are up.

My Intended Translation: Actually, it really doesn't matter what my intended translation was. This never works. In fact, unless it is said to a very considerate woman who will put you in your place and then still accept you, it will probably end with you being single and alone for a long time. Best to be avoided.

What I Said: "Imagine You're Eating This Next Time"

Who I Said It To: A female friend who eats meat (I am a vegetarian). It was attached to a photo (below) that I thought was funny.

My Intended Translation: "I enjoy your company and like to have fun with you. Because you are so special to me, I will send you this funny picture that I think you will enjoy. Yes, it is cracking a joke about you, but I only do it because of my high level of appreciation for you."

The Safe Bet - Watch This Video

Fortunately, I am surrounded by very loving and accepting women who are willing to see through my occasional (and sometimes frequent) foe pas. However, I will still make it an effort to avoid saying the things that Ana recommends men do not say in her article, Things you do NOT want to say to a woman. After all, why get yourself in trouble if it can be avoided?

Additionally, I have decided to bite the bullet and invest in this tool that I believe will save me from countless future life struggles. I highly recommend that every man purchase a Manslator. This tool, much like a hammer, chainsaw, or laptop, is something that every man should have in his possession and frequently use.

Do you own the Manslator? Would you recommend other ideas to prevent men from future trouble? Let us all know in the comments section below!

The Manslator


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    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 5 years ago from California

      Well Phil, again, I think I will have to learn much from you. It is, however, always nice to meet someone else who has experience placing their foot in their mouth.

    • Phil Plasma profile image

      Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

      That manslator video was very funny. I'm fairly certain I've never said to a pregnant woman 'looking rather large...'. Thank goodness. I won't deny I've put my foot in my mouth sometimes too, however.

      Great hub voted up and funny.

    • thesingernurse profile image

      thesingernurse 6 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

      hahahaha! I wanted to strike the funny tab several times... if only it's possible! Great hub Robert! More hubs... more! :D

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      I'm glad you enjoyed JoshuaDR! These kinds of awkward situations always make for a good laugh later.

    • JoshuaDR profile image

      JoshuaDR 6 years ago from Charleston, SC

      Very funny.... I showed this to a few guys I work with. It led to some pretty interesting conversations

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      Thanks Rajan! I will certainly take up your advice. And yes Dr. Rabie - blame it on me all you need too!

    • profile image

      Dr Mohamed Rabie 6 years ago

      Very funny!

      I will say the same thing for my mom. And, if she gets angry, I will tell her that you are the one who advised me.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 6 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      You are full of humour but maybe the women either don't see it or appreciate it. You might get hit but never fall sick with your lighthearted ways. Stay the way you are.

      Very interesting read.

    • Trueshortstories profile image

      Trueshortstories 6 years ago from Canada

      Voted up and funny!

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      Thanks Laurathegentleman! Whether funny or sad, it is indeed true. I'm glad you enjoyed.

    • laurathegentleman profile image

      laurathegentleman 6 years ago from Chapel Hill, NC

      This. Is. HILARIOUS. As a female, it was nice to hear the other perspective, and also to laugh about how true this probably is!

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      Thanks Ana! I keep enjoying your articles.

      @frominsideout - you are the greatest kind of woman! I always enjoy a woman who is thoughtful enough to realize that us guys sometimes say things unintentionally stupid. Most of the time our goal is good, it's just our method. On behalf of mankind, I thank you for your thoughtfulness.

    • frominsideout profile image

      frominsideout 6 years ago

      Oh Robert! You are adorable. What a great article! Speaking as a woman who have had a couple of these statements said to her, brava for recognizing your "foe paus." I'm one who would simply look at the guy, shake my head and say "uh, hmmm, mmm, mmm. Lord forgive him for he knows not what he has done!" hahaha!

    • Ana Teixeira profile image

      Ana Teixeira 6 years ago from Oporto, Porto, Portugal

      Also gonna link this hub to mine. It's a good way for people to get all the information on the topic they can find

    • Ana Teixeira profile image

      Ana Teixeira 6 years ago from Oporto, Porto, Portugal

      Awsome hub. Made me laugh just thinking about the reactions . I wonder... how come you're still alive? ahah.

      You must be surrounded with incredible women, no doubt. Great hub! Btw: the manslator just seems to be able to recognize irony and sarcasm, which, btw, women use A LOT with men.

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      I think that is a great idea Courtney. Hopefully it will save me a few additional awkward situations.

    • profile image

      Courtney 6 years ago

      The translation of "your pretty cool" is great! haha make sure Brooke reads that one!!

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 6 years ago from California

      The Manslator is something every man should purchase. Thanks for sharing penelopae.

    • penelopae profile image

      Becky Muth 6 years ago from Harpers Ferry, WV

      Hysterical article. Sharing with my all my male friends. LOL