What Not to Say to Women (From Personal Experience)

There are certain phrases that should never be used towards women - whether it is a relative, wife, girlfriend, or stranger. This is common knowledge. Common knowledge that I often forget.

Though I consider myself a man of charm (if you question this, read A Flawless Way to Meet Women), I am often also a man with a whole lot of foot in his mouth. Perhaps it is because I like to talk before a think. Maybe I just say it as it is. Or it could even be that I simply enjoy slightly awkward situations. Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to say things with the purest of motives and still somehow end up uncomfortably in trouble (of course, still not as uncomfortable as someone would be if they wet their pants in public - if this concerns you read How to Appear Like You Have Dry Pants When You Don't).

Whether you are reading this for a laugh, with a desire to prevent an awkward situation yourself, or out of pure concern for the ladies in my life, I hope it provides you with both entertainment and a better understanding of how to express yourself appropriately to the more beautiful gender. And don't hesitate to develop your personal humor more through The Alphabet of Humor: C is for Character Development.

What I Said: "Looking Rather Large"

Who I Said It To: My pregnant cousin after walking in the door and noticing that she was, indeed, pregnant.

My Intended Translation: "Wow! You are going to have an absolutely beautiful baby very soon. One that will benefit society, change the world, and quite possibly solve world hunger. Congratulations on this soon to be new addition to your family."

What I Said: "You're Pretty Cool"

Who I Said It To: My girlfriend.

My Intended Translation: "I find you to be the most fascinating and charming of all women. Spending time with you is the most valuable use of every second. Your captivating smile, exciting personality, and love for others makes my life that much better. Thank you."

What I Said: "Yes"

Who I Said It To: A female friend who asked me if she should go to the gym more. Whoops!

My Intended Translation: "You are a great looking and healthy woman who I am sure already has many men chasing after you. Out of all woman-kind you would be the least of which to need the gym. However, because maintaining a healthy lifestyle is recommended by 999,999 out of 1,000,000 doctors, it might, maybe, kinda, just a little, be good to attend the gym for a little bit, now and again - more as an inspiration to other women then out of a need for it yourself."

What I Said: "No"

Who I Said It To: Mom - when being asked to help clean (a few years back...)

My Intended Translation: "My dearest of all mothers, you are a great women who I respect more than anyone in my life. I would do anything for you out of pure love (and a desire to avoid punishment). Because of my undying love for you, I do not want to take away something that you gain significant amounts of pleasure from. I know that you gain satisfaction from taking care of me - I would hate to take this away from you."

What I Said: "Woman!"

Who I Said It To: A Variety of female friends when requesting that they hurry up or get something for me while they are up.

My Intended Translation: Actually, it really doesn't matter what my intended translation was. This never works. In fact, unless it is said to a very considerate woman who will put you in your place and then still accept you, it will probably end with you being single and alone for a long time. Best to be avoided.

What I Said: "Imagine You're Eating This Next Time"

Who I Said It To: A female friend who eats meat (I am a vegetarian). It was attached to a photo (below) that I thought was funny.

My Intended Translation: "I enjoy your company and like to have fun with you. Because you are so special to me, I will send you this funny picture that I think you will enjoy. Yes, it is cracking a joke about you, but I only do it because of my high level of appreciation for you."

Fortunately, I am surrounded by very loving and accepting women who are willing to see through my occasional (and sometimes frequent) foe pas. However, I will still make it an effort to avoid saying the things that Ana recommends men do not say in her article, Things you do NOT want to say to a woman. After all, why get yourself in trouble if it can be avoided?

Additionally, I have decided to bite the bullet and invest in this tool that I believe will save me from countless future life struggles. I highly recommend that every man purchase a Manslator. This tool, much like a hammer, chainsaw, or laptop, is something that every man should have in his possession and frequently use.

Do you own the Manslator? Would you recommend other ideas to prevent men from future trouble? Let us all know in the comments section below!