- Gender and Relationships
When Forever Ends: 7 Ways to Move Forward After a Break Up or Divorce
You met someone who you may have known for years or someone you met very recently but can't live without and now the promises you made to love each other for ever have shattered. The love and affection you once felt for them is replaced by betrayal, indifference, or even hatred. The fact remains that losing a spouse through divorce or break up is hard on everyone, especially if children are involved. However, the pain and heartache does go away eventually. It takes longer for some than others but in the end everything is an experience that we as people must endure throughout life. Here are some things that can help with the healing process.
Books on Break Ups
1. Part on Good Terms
Your spouse or partner was a significant person in your life, whether you were together for years or a few short months. At one time, you saw something extra special in that person, or else you wouldn't have made them your significant other. You saw the light in them that made them different from every other person out there. They were your special one in six billion person. It is only fitting to part on good terms. If you leave with angry, vengeful feelings, you may have an empty, lost feeling about the failed relationship later. Be the better person. If they know they hurt you, they will feel superior. Do not let them have that. Even though you may be hurting, act as normal as possible around your Ex. Treat them as you would treat any other stranger on the street, cordially. It will make everything a lot easier for everyone if at least one of you is the adult in the break up and, let's face it, easier is always better, especially for you.
2. Be Understanding
Parting on good terms also means being understanding. This is not always easy. The cause of your break up is not always easy to understand. You may wonder what you did wrong or what you could have changed but these questions are not worth thinking about. The relationship is over. Your Ex decided your relationship was no longer worth persuing. This is all you have to understand and accept. Things that happened in the past have already been done. You can not go back and change anything. The only thing you can do is learn from anything you think you may have done wrong and move on. Moving on is necessary. The world will not wait for your broken heart to heal. The sun rose this morning and it will set tomorrow. When you understand that you can not change the past and the future is certain you will start to realize the world did not end.
3. Try to Split Things Evenly
People become very particular when it comes to possessions. One of the first words a child learns is "Mine." We as human beings are very possessive. We have a "If I bought it is mine." However, if you bought something with your Ex it is technically both of your possession. If you have an Ex who is as understanding as you are, splitting things may be very easy. You say, "I'll take this and you can have that." Their response is simply, "Ok." On the other hand, things are rarely this simple. When fighting or going to court over anything you may have bought together it is good to keep in mind why you want that possession. Is it dear to you? Will you really miss it if it is gone? Or is your motive to make things more difficult on your Ex? Or is your motive to hold on to your Ex? Remember, your relationship ended. It is over. The sooner it is over, the sooner you can start to heal and move on. It is not up to you to punish your Ex. Karma and our Lord above can handle punishment. If you know the possession you may be fighting over will not be used or missed then let it go. Let them have it. In life, we as people really only need the bare necessities. People have lived on a lot less than many of us are fortunate enough to have.
4. Do Not Take Revenge
Seeking revenge is one of the absolute worse things you can do in a break up. It is just plain childish. Remember the good times. Cherish the memories and move forward with optimism. It is no use remember how bad the past was and trying to get even because it only makes the future dependent on the past. The future is yours. You do not need to make it worse by doing things or saying things that will hurt person who chose not to be with you. You can now take charge with a clean conscience and a good mind set.
5. Do Not Use Kids as a Game Piece
If there are kids, do what is the absolute best for them, without being selfish. It is important, especially in the beginning of a break up, to make things as normal as possible for the kid(s). This will be challenging for you. Be civil to your Ex when the children are present. It does no one, least of all the kids, any good by arguing or calling each other names. Children learn from each of you how to treat their parents. If you treat each other badly, the child will inevitably treat you bad too. Be civil. Make sure the child knows when he or she will see the absent parent and do the best you can to make sure those visits happen, especially if your Ex was always there for the child before the break up. It is too much of a shock for children to lose their newly absent parent quickly. Make it a gradual change and do not try to keep anything from them. Children are keen to the world around them and will pick up on every subtle word or action.
6. Forgive but Don't Forget
Forgiveness is necessary in life; however, that does not mean you forget. Forgiveness is about being able to let go of the past and move on with a clear head and good intentions. Forgetting implies that you would rather not learn from the past. You can remember the good things and learn from the bad things. Do not make the same mistake twice and, if you do, apologize for it. Remember that every person on Earth has choices and the person you were with or the person you find in the future has a choice to be with you and vice versa. Whether you choose one person over another is solely your decision. You choose the traits, characteristics, and personality your partner will have and they choose yours. Forgive your Ex's mistakes and look forward to finding a person who will see you for the person you are.
7. Take Steps Toward Moving On
When all of your partner's possessions are gone and it is just you in your home or a friend or family member's home, make a list of things you need to do. Start by making sure you are comfortable. If you do not have a place of your own and want a place of your own make that your priority. Take the necessary steps to obtain an apartment or house, whether that is getting a job or looking through the want ads or seeing a realtor about vacancies. You need to be as comfortable as possible in your new life or else you will wish for the one you used to have with your Ex. If finding a job or going back to school is necessary, get all the information or applications you need as soon as possible. Money does not grow on trees and knowledge is always within reach. Different schools start at different times throughout the year and it is best to find a place where you feel comfortable. By this time, being comfortable is most important. You have to feel good about yourself. You are unique and you have a purpose in the world. You simply have to go out and find out what that is.
There are six billion other people alive and at least one of them must be someone you can connect with on a personal level. Your Ex was a very special person but every person is very special. It is up to you to go out and connect with someone you find completely and utterly amazing. It may not happen quickly but there is definitely another person out there who will connect with you on that special level again.
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