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When Is It Time To Meet Your BF's Kids - Relationship Advice

Updated on August 11, 2010

Hub Request:

When do you think is an appropriate amount of time to meet someone's kids. My boyfriend of 4...

months hasn't introduced me to his 14 and 16 year old. However I have met his family. Other than getting text messages while he is at work, I do not hear from him when he has his kids 4 days out of the week.

-goodpeep

Dear goodpeep,

Thank you for requesting this Hub from me.

I think this is a great question with many variables, so let's go through some of them.

With very young children I think probably a year or close to it might be an appropriate amount of time to be dating someone before bringing them into your children's lives. The Catch 22 of this is you don't want to get serious about someone that doesn't hit it off with your kids. At the same time, you don't want to confuse the children by bringing a new mate of yours into their lives too quickly where they could form bonds and grow attached, only to be disappointed again when the relationship doesn't last. 

Another big factor is the amount of time that has elapsed since the divorce. The couple of years that immediate follow the family's separation are especially difficult ones. The kids need time to adjust to the new arrangements, to seeing mom and dad as separate individuals and not as a couple. They need to see how each maintains their love and commitment to the kids, even though their relationship with each other has ended for the most part. During that time, meeting a new romantic partner for either parent would be disturbing.

Your boyfriend's children are not little. At ages 14 and 16 they are old enough to handle the idea that dad is dating. They should be able to form or not form attachments based on their like of a person. They aren't too young too meet you "too quickly."

I don't know how long your boyfriend has been separated from the mother of his children, but if the divorce was recent, that could be a factor as why he's slow to make this introduction. 

Normally I would warn you that his putting this off could be an indicator that you aren't the only new woman in his life. Maybe the kids have already met a woman he's dating. Or maybe he's telling them the divorce is their mother's ideas and he just wants her back. There could be a reason you're not meeting the kids which is based in some kind of deception toward your.

But the fact that you have met his family as you've said eliminates the basis for that warning.

I suspect that sometimes even when the kids are old enough and enough time has passed, there's a fear that introducing the kids to the new girlfriend automatically elevates the new relationship to a serious status. His delaying the meeting may be his way of delaying the seriousness of his commitment his girlfriend. 

The idea that he does not contact you at all when in the presence of his children is odd to me. Surely at 14 and 16 they do not spend every moment together when they are in his charge. They are at an age where they are texting friends, interesting in dates, watching youtube videos, etc. They can't possibly be spending all their time with him for the full 4 days out of the week that he's with them.

Even if the days were that full and busy, presumably he does go to bed eventually. There's no reason why he can't call you to say good night.

This piece of information makes me suspicious that there's something going on here. Honestly peep, I don't think this has to do with whether or not you've been dating him long enough to meet his two teenagers. I think this has to do with something else.

I think you need to ask yourself what else is going on here. Even though you've met his family, is he seeing someone else? Is he trying to get back together with his ex-wife? Is he just using this as a way to put the brakes on his relationship with you?

Or maybe things are fine, but you need to relax. Maybe you are the only woman in his life but he's not ready for things to be as serious as you may want them to be. Maybe he feels if he tries to tell you that, that you don't listen. So he's had to come up with another way to keep things at a pace he can handle. 

Dating for 4 months is a very short amount of time. Is he misperceiving some kind of pressure from you to step up a commitment? 

Obviously  only you two have all the answers here. My advice is to have an honest conversation with him about this. If one of you isn't being honest with the other, you don't have a relationship to work on, so it's time to move on. But if you can both communicate honestly about what you're both really doing, then maybe you can listen to each other's point of view and try to compromise so that you can both feel comfortable. 

Good luck.

Comments

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  • profile image

    Anne 

    6 years ago

    Dana, you are not a fool, you are of the impression that you mean something to your man, 3years is a long time so play his bluff!

  • profile image

    Sherry 

    7 years ago

    You got that right Dana. Move on!

  • profile image

    Dana 

    7 years ago

    My boyfriend s children are 8 11 and 14...I have not met them in the 3 years we have been dating...so I think I am the biggest FOOL of all

  • profile image

    I'm me 

    7 years ago

    The ex sounds nuts and that is an issue. But if he can't even call or text you when his kids are there? I'm not buying it. I think you're thinking it's more serious than it is. After 4 mo it can't be serious anyway. Saying you won't come second in his life after only being in it 4 mo that's not reflecting as normal on you.

  • profile image

    Reggie 

    7 years ago

    It always amazes me how much women see what they want to see and not what reality is showing them. good peeps 4 months is nothing. What you've clarified doesn't really change anything. You're having a relationship that this guy is not having. There are clear signs of that. Good luck.

  • profile image

    goodpeep 

    7 years ago

    Ok ok I may not have filled in all the blanks here. I have sat him down and we have discussed the meet and greet. He say's he wants it to be special as in going somewhere like a zoo, so no one is put on the spot. The problem for me is that he wanted to come to my house for dinner which I agreed to about a couple of months ago, and he has spent the night as well on many occasions. This maybe jumping the gun for me as I have a son who is 19 and lives at home and a son with Down's Syndrome that is 23 that comes every other week during the summer.

    He has met them and I just assumed that I would have met his. At first when I enquired he said he likes things to stay peaceful. At a later discussion I told him that I was offended that he would think I would not keep the peace. That is when he said he wants me to be apart of his kids life and thinks I would definitely be a good role model. I guess I have to be more patient but I don't want this to go on and on, as he is somewhat of a procrastanator. This has never happened to me with anyone else. I work with kids and I have always had great relationships with other men's children.

    As far as the amount of time he was divorced. It has been over ten years. Out of that 10 he had a girlfriend of 8 years and He broke up with her 2 years ago because she became mentally ill and wouldn't get treatment behaving very eratically. All of which his children have witnessed. But she has been stalking him with phone calls, showing up at his door, and sending him emails. I have been at his house with him when his kids weren't home and she showed up with police insisting to come in saying she had things to get. However, she has come three times to get her things. She has falsely had him charged for assult which didn't stand up in court and the judge told her to not go to his house as that would be trespassing. The man was taken out of his house in handcuffs and brought to jail.

    He is honest with me about her and say's he is going to the court to get a peace bond put on her. Because I told him that I can't come second if he doesn't do his part to get her out of his life.

    She has caused and is causing a number of problems with phoning his work and calling his ex wife to speak to the kids both of which have told her not to call.

    This is a very manipulative and mentally sick person.

    So maybe that is what this is all about!

    I've never been involved with a man is so attentive and interested in me when he doesn't have his kids, and then texts me daily and occasionally calling when he is at work on the days he has his kids.

    I guess I really need some input as to what others would think and do.

    I have tried to tell myself that it doesn't bother me but I guess it does.

    I have decided to let it go for now and not get to attached. I'll see how he handles things with his ex girlfriend. But if he doesn't pursue the peace bond and respect that I can't be a part of this drama he has been in within the last two years, I will have to look at moving on.

  • Lala_Lisa profile image

    Lala_Lisa 

    7 years ago

    Playing with fire?? I don't think so. It's 4 months. Get a grip, it's a new relationship that she thinks is more than it is. That's all. And Veronica pointed that out pretty well I think.

    thanks!

  • killrats profile image

    killrats 

    7 years ago from Cape town South Africa

    Hi Veronica,

    I would say that the ladies BF has only got half his cards on the table.She could be playing with fire. Leave him be.After 4 months she more than likely knows the answer, she just wants it confirmed.

working

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