When Your Adult Child Divorces
Grieving
Marriage Unravelling
So the hints were there all along; sleeping separately due to son in laws snoring; nothing in common except their shared son who just turned 18 months old. No romance, intimacy or closeness, and more distance and detachment.
I need to say that I am just heartbroken to see my daughter going through separation and divorce as it brings up many painful memories of when my marriage ended 27 years ago. My daughter wasn’t quite three years old and my son was four and a half at the time.
When they met my daughter was working as an airline stewardess and my son-in-law was a long distance truck driver. They knew each other for only three brief months, not enough time to really know one another, when she became pregnant. During the three months they experienced road trips and other enjoyable dates.
From the time of my daughter becoming pregnant, the focus became all about the expected baby, and they bought a house, had the baby and then married, in that out of sync order.
I must say that my grandson is precious but I grieve for all of the upcoming potential losses in his life. Both parents will raise him but that means times away from the other parent; shared holidays etc. No matter how nicely they are separating and my daughter doesn’t want my pity, would she accept my sorrow. We’d discussed birth control for years to avoid this scenario of her becoming a single parent to no avail. Now she joins the ranks of yet the next broken family and I am powerless in making any of this easier or better.
I was divorced and my parents, as well as daughters in-laws were also divorced. This is her husbands second marriage my second my ex’s 3 rd and her in-laws 2nd. The statistics are in favor of yet another divorce. While you go through the process you’re so focused on your own feelings that you forget the pain of family and friends as they bear witness and must give up the fantasy of happily ever after as well.
My daughter has made some friends and attends Church so has created a small support system for she and my grandson. I am praying that she and her partner remain amicable in the coming days and years, and that they keep their son in their hearts as their main priority as they go forward.
Some arranged marriages work and the couple doesn’t know one another well but this marriage didn’t work out due to differences of likes, interests values and cultural norms. They were just enough different to not remain a good match, and I am heartbroken As I’m certain that they are as well.
This is only the beginning and their life’s paths will determine how their separate lives unfold and if they can remain aligned for the baby’s sake.
I pray that they are blessed on this journey of unraveling with compassion love, kindness and integrity.
Comments
AUTHORThank you for your heartfelt comments during this difficult time, wishing you and your family all the best, Francine
Your account of your daughter`s separation from her husband is very touching. As hard as this may seem, you`ll be able to move on, and so will your daughter and her son.
My sister separated from her husband in 2012 and later divorced him in 2014; when they separated, their son was only 3 years old. My mother lost weight due to my sister`s separation and was heartbroken to see my sister`s son go through a period of emotional turmoil. He was physically attacking my sister for losing his father (my sister`s ex) and said "mommy, it`s your fault!". My mother and sister were both on tranquilizers for quite some time, hoping that it will ease the pain and stress they were both going through. I feel very sorry for my sister`s son, as he has had little or no contact with his father; they met a handful of times every other month for a few years, but my sister`s son said he no longer wanted to see his father.
He also doesn`t get to see his mother(my sister) until the end of the day as she works full time.
My sister is often unwell due to work-related stress and my parents are both in their 80s, making it difficult to provide their grandson with a proper meal. Yet, they have not contacted my sister`s ex for help, knowing how unfit he is to be a father. Anyway, my nephew is 10 years old now and continues to live with my sister and my parents, with no contact with his father or his grandparents on his father`s side.
My mother said on several occassions that "this should not have happened" and nobody her age is raising a grandchild, since all her friends are retired and pursuing their hobbies. After a while, however, she stopped saying this, and told me that she tries to value the time she has with her grandson like when he goes "hunting" for insects during the summer and brought back an egg sac of a praying mantis! Having a grandson around and constantly talking to him has helped to keep up her convesation skills, she says.
I assume you live close to your daughter and grandson, so you are often helping your daughter raise her son. Try to enjoy it as much as you can, although it can be very tiring. Please know that it is possible to move on, as my parents, sister, and her son all have.
