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When the Person You're With Cheats

Updated on August 20, 2011

We'd all like to make a blanket statement about cheating and for it to be true; we'd also like for the reasons, the people who cheat, the persons who are cheated on, the situations that surround all involved, and the solution to be easily explained and therefore avoidable in the future. We'd like it, but that's not going to happen.

Truth be told, cheating is one of those things that have happened for all time throughout life and will continue to happen, whether you believe it's okay or not. Sometimes it's simple and other times it's complicated. Some people lie about it, while others choose to come clean and face whatever decision the person they're with is going to make in terms of their relationship. I suppose, the bigger question is, what does the person who is cheated on meant to do?

A lot of people believe wholeheartedly that the person being cheated on (or that has been cheated on) should leave the relationship. No ifs, ands or buts, wipe your hands of the loser that betrayed you and move on with your life. The saying that's been said for ages and is still continued to be used today is: Once a cheater, always a cheater. But is that really true?

I believe there are three types of people that have cheated and tell the person they cheated on what happened: Either they want out of the relationship and see confessing their infidelity as a means to an end; the person is trying to hurt the person they're with because of some slight the person they cheated on committed; or the burden of the situation is simply too heavy on their hearts and their conscience isn't letting them live peacefully with what they've done. Another question to ask is: After you've gotten away with the cheating and the other person is completely in the black about it, isn't it selfish to tell them about your infidelity?

Selfishness is another issue. How selfish was the person to cheat and how selfish is the person to confess the mistake? That's tough to answer. Some could easily say that if it's just you wanting to clear your conscience of something you've done, then of course it's selfish. Then again, you could also say that a guilty conscience in a relationship is good for nothing and can manifest itself in other negative ways. Who knows? The bottom line is, the person was selfish enough to cheat in the first place. When they were cheating they were thinking about what they wanted and not the other person involved. That's one of the more simpler answers.

This is more for the person who was cheated on and decides to stay, because ultimately they're the ones who's feelings are still on the line, not the people who opt to leave a relationship like that. How are you meant to see the person after you know what they've done to you?

People have many definitions of cheating, but if it was cheating involving physical sexual intercourse then of course then the first thing you should do is go to your doctor and have yourself examined for any STDs and AIDS. It maybe embarrassing, and there are still adults out here who will refuse to get these types of tests done for that reason believe it or not (even in this day and age), but it's necessary. It's up to you if you stay with the person if you find out they've given something, whether it's curable or incurable. It means that not only did they cheat on you, but they were willing to put your health at risk for their own pleasure. You have to make the decision after that fact of whether risking your health is worth staying with that person or not.

Another thing for the person to consider when they've been cheated on is to know their partner. If you're with someone it's your job to get to know them, and if you don't want that job it's best if you're not with them. Simple. If you know them well enough, you will know if they're being sincere if they claim they won't do it again. Saying that is more than just words, they have to prove they're serious. It does make a difference, in my opinion at least, of whether they were caught or whether they volunteered the information of their infidelity. Usually the person that gets caught is just trying to keep you when they say they're going to change or it won't happen again. Maybe they will be serious about redeeming themselves in your eyes, but I highly doubt it. With the person that confesses to the infidelity, it's up to you to decide what their honesty is worth and the motive behind it.

Third, is why did the person cheat? A lot of people say that it's not the person's fault who is cheated on, but it's solely up to the individual that did the cheating. However, circumstances could speak very differently. If the person who is cheated on was withholding sex or couldn't have sex with the person who cheated on them for a long period of time then I don't always blame the person who cheated. That's just my opinion. A few weeks or a couple months is not a long time at all, but if you're talking a year or more, then I say the person who was cheated on needs to look at themselves. What was the reason they were withholding sex in the first place? Was there some kind of agreement between the two? If a woman is pregnant and unable for whatever reason, or it's after she's had the baby and she can't or if she's not ready, then I don't blame her. It may sound sexist, but the trauma a woman's body goes through down there is tremendous and if she's not feeling well then how could you expect her to just go through it. Obviously there are certain alternatives that some women are willing to try sexually than just regular intercourse, but for each couple it's different. If a woman is being mean spirited or vindictive and trying to torture the person who cheats, I'm not blaming the person that cheated either. If you're going to stronghold your sex trying to manipulate a situation for your own benefit, then it probably was your fault that something bad happened to you. I'm not condoning cheating at all, but what I'm saying is when you do something wrong and your repercussions are negative, who can feel that much pity on you? Maybe the person felt neglected, but that's the time they should talk to you and express how they feel, not seek it in someone else. That's not your fault. I can't go into every reason someone may cheat and all the blame associated with it, but it's the person who has to deal with it that must seek out the cause that the person cheated. It may not be the person's fault whatsoever. Maybe the person who cheated stepped out on a perfectly good relationship (or something close to it).

Another thing a lot of people who have been cheated on go through is denial. It's almost like the elephant in the room theory, but they dance around the subject and some of them may have a problem with it but silently subject to being cheated on. That, or the person who's being cheated on believes they can change the person who cheats wild behavior. To take someone back fitting these categories is deadly, and when I use the word deadly I'm not exaggerating. People don't realize how many things can be contracted sexually besides AIDS and HIV and so many people don't take them seriously. There's hepatitis and herpes--things you can't just take a pill or get a shot and be rid of so consider what you're accepting when you accept a cheater back into your life again.

I'm not saying don't give the person another chance in every case, but these are things you have to consider when faced with this. It maybe not be fair that you're the one stuck with the hard decision to make and the pros and cons to configurate, but it is what it is and whether you want to deal with it or not, it is your situation.

I've always had sympathy for the person being cheated on growing up and I've always wondered why the person who cheats just didn't tell the person they're with that they don't want to be with them anymore so they can continue to play the field. And then I grew up and realized that sometimes it's not all that cut and dry, but some people don't even try to resist temptation.

Not everybody cheats and I don't think anyone has to settle for someone who is going to keep hurting them over and over again. Do yourself a favor and weigh all your options before you make a decision and be secure in it despite what anyone is telling you. You go with your head AND your heart and make peace with what you decide because you'll be the one that has to deal with the outcome.


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