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When Is Too Soon For Sex? -Stephanie Bailey

Updated on August 19, 2013
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Should I wait—should I not wait—and for how long?

Once you are a legal adult, are there certain standards that should be set before deciding to have sex with someone?

Choosing when to have sex (whether you just met someone or you are in a monogamous relationship) can be tricky! The belief that the longer you wait, the higher your chances of having a lasting relationship, isn't always the case. During one relationship, I waited three months to sleep with a guy—and when I did, the expectations I build in my head surpassed the connected, romantic experience that I was hoping for.

So, should there be rules and boundaries attached to having sex? Realistically, I’ve found that it varies from friend to friend—therefore, to each person their own. I have a friend who won't have sex until after dating a guy for at least three weeks. On the other hand, I have a friend who won't sleep with a guy until she has been on five dates—after five dates she feels that he has earned sex. Hmmm... is sex really something that should be “gifted,” per say?

Sometimes we wait or rush into sex in hopes of changing an inevitable outcome. For example, maybe by waiting to have sex with a known "player" will make you different and more desirable; therefore causing them to change their player ways and finally settle down with you. On the opposite end of the spectrum, maybe if you rush into having sex with someone (i.e. sleeping with them the first night) will cause them to fall in love…because your sex is so magical that once someone sleeps with you, they will never want anyone else. I mean…seriously? Okay, okay, in all honesty, who hasn't had one of those thoughts? Well unfortunately, this isn’t realistic. If you have a connection that has a possibility of manifesting itself into love, when you sleep together shouldn't matter—it’s all about the right person, under the right circumstances, and within the right time frame.

For me personally, I have experienced many different sex “time frames.” After graduating from high school, dating my high school boyfriend for awhile and determining that I was finally in love, I was finally ready to have sex. My virginity was something I was very proud of and I was determined to only give it up for the prince I truly loved—and who loved me. Proud of my decision to wait for love and deciding who would officially deflower me, made the experience special…even though the actual sexual act was so-so.

As I got older, my single-hood made me more promiscuous—and in turn, the waiting lessened; in my mind I wasn't wanting a relationship…so why wait for sex? During this time I was in my second year of college and I wanted to have fun (no strings attached!)—and essentially, carefree fun was what I had. Eventually this lifestyle became monotonous (and frustrating) because I wanted an emotional connection. I put on my waiting shoes until I met my next official boyfriend.

When I finally found my next boyfriend, we waited weeks before sleeping together; and, not surprisingly, we ended up dating for several years. Was it the waiting that made a difference? In my head I thought so. After that relationship ended, I moved to Denver and the waiting pattern began for almost a year until I met Keith. On my first date with Keith, I didn't hesitate to have sex and wasn't worried about the outcome: either a “one night stand” or a potential relationship. To my pleasant surprise he and I started a relationship after that night…and it lasted over three years.

So, to wait or not to wait? It's all a personal choice that shouldn't be judged by anyone; regardless if you are male or female. At the end of the day, it’s hard to foresee how sex will change the connection you have already established. In certain cases, taking this slow is the best route…and in others, a quick romp in the hay helps intensify feelings further.


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    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 4 years ago from Denver

      Obviously he was not the right one, but more importantly...did not deserve you!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 4 years ago from Denver

      Thank you Mary!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 4 years ago from Denver

      Great points as always dashingscorpio! And I agree that Sex should be viewed as a "mutual shared experience" Not an expectation or something earned.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image

      Stephanie Bailey 4 years ago from Denver

      Thank you all for reading!

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Great hub when was a teenager and dated a guy we were in a relationship but he broke it off when I don't go further I now realize he wasn't that person for me, and time for sex is important.

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      mary 4 years ago

      Interesting view point.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      Personally speaking I don't believe (time) or the calendar dictates if a solid relationship will develop because one waited or not to have sex.

      Another thing I've noticed is people will throw away their date waiting rules when they are away on vacation! :-)

      I applaud your statement: "I waited three months to sleep with a guy—and when I did, the expectations I build in my head surpassed the connected, romantic experience that I was hoping for."

      Very often when guys feel this way after having sex they decide not to continue to see the woman because they are not "sexually compatible". However what often happens is the woman and her friends say: "He dumped you after he got what he wanted." Truth be told if the sex was off the charts both people would come back for "seconds" even if they knew they weren't right for one another! LOL!

      I have had sex women the first night I met them and the relationship lasted 4 and 5 years. I've also had sex with women after several weeks of dates and conversation it the relationship never solidified.

      As long as one does not confuse sex with love or has sex with an "agenda" hoping it will lead to something else, then timing should not be a big deal between two consenting adults. Everyone should dance to their own music. No one can tell you what is "right' for you. Only you can decide that.

      Sex should be viewed as a "mutual shared experience" and not as something the woman "gave" to a man because he's "earned" it.