ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

When He Says He Isn't Ready for Marriage "Yet"

Updated on March 18, 2012

I received this comment on my HUB When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't :

RealityTV says:

Veronica, is there any chance that when he says he just isn't ready that he will actually become ready one day?

Dear RealityTV,

Before me, my husband had a girlfriend we'll call Carol that wanted to get serious with him. By his own admission, he's told me she was just completely devoted to him and the relationship and she would be patient and understanding. But what I want to tell you is not what he's told me about that relationship. I want to tell you what mutual friends said to me about that relationship.

"Everyone was so shocked when he got married!"

I'll never forget that first drunken confessional conversation at the bar. Over many martini's, the girls took me into confidence.

"Carol said she'd try to talk about marriage and all he would say was that he was nowhere near ready. It wasn't the time. Now here he is a year and a half later, married!"

My husband isn't a dick. He's a guy. Actually, he's a good guy. And I'm sure when his ex was pressuring him to talk about the future he felt nothing for, he responded as honestly as he could. He wasn't ready. You have to read into that I guess to understand what he meant.

The first time I talked to my husband about our future, we had been together a few months. I told him this was "it." The big one. This was the relationship I wanted to be in for the rest of my life.

And he said, "Yeah. I know. Me too." He agreed. And the next time we talked about it, he brought it up.

There was no not ready bullshit.

I remember an episode of Who's the Boss where Tony described proposing to Samantha's mother. He explained exactly what it's supposed to be like. He said he had barely gotten "Will you marry me?" out of his mouth, when she leaped into his arms screaming, "YES!"

When it's right, it's right for both of you.

And it's that way long before the proposal.

I am not saying a guy that says he's not ready is being a jerk. Men interpret their feelings in a much broader way than women do. Men have a more limited range or interpretation to emotions. Often men have no need to discuss every emotion to death the way we do. For him, saying, "I'm not ready to get married," covers everything from - I'm not ready to tell you I don't want to marry you, to, Dude I don't ever even think about this, to, I'm not ready this month to get married.

He has no reason to explore the details of that aversion to its depths. He doesn't think about marrying you. Isn't that clear? The point that needs to be apparent here, is that when he IS ready, when he IS thinking about it, he'd know it and he'd tell you.

RealityTV, to answer your question, probably not. It's not really possible that he will want to marry you one day if this is his response now. That's what my experience has taught me. It's hard when it's happening to objectively listen to what he's actually saying instead of what you want to hear. I don't know the specifics of your situation. If he means it sincerely than he will be showing you his intentions. If he really thinks one day he will be ready to marry you, he will be doing whatever he needs to to SHOW you and keep you. He will have set up a joint bank account with you so you can save together for the wedding. He will be house shopping with you. He will be demonstrating committed thinking since he knows you want to see signs of his future with you.

If he isn't doing anything to show you and keep you, if all he's doing is saying he's not ready then you need to move on. Seriously. I'm sorry RealityTV but It's not going to happen with him.

Thanks for your comment. Good luck to you.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

"Marry me and be my wife, you can have me all your life."

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    heather2012 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    i m in the same situation as others.i have been dating him for 1 year 3 months.i m asian and he is french.he is 4 years younger and will be 26 this year.we both are working with enough earning our own.

  • profile image

    bluehair 5 years ago

    Dear Veronica:

    I am 23 and have been with my 28 year old boyfriend for almost 2 years.

    He is kind, compassionate, genuine, supportive, loyal and, honestly (no matter how cheesy it sounds) the most wonderful person I have ever met. Every day I wake up excited because I get to spend another day with the person who makes me happiest in the entire world.

    I have gone through a series of medical issues this year, and he has been unquestionably there for me through the entire thing, and once told me that the "in sickness and in health part" comes with the boyfriend package. He has gone out of his way to help me through the most difficult times and reassured me time and time again that my medical problems have not affected his love for me and that he is entirely sure that in the future I will get better and we can continue adventuring like we used to.

    He was first to say "I love you" after only a couple months and invited me to live with him after only 5 months. He makes a great deal more money than I do, so he pays the rent and bills, but I make a very big point of paying for things like groceries and household items and doing things around the house to show my commitment to our life together, and he seems happy with this arrangement. I have offered to pay him rent/bill money many times, and he always declines the offer, saying that since he has the money and I don't, he would rather me save my money for later on down the road.

    We are both immature in our own rights-- we both play way too many video games and are terrible at keeping the house clean, but we also make a point of playing games together and we work together the clean the house when it gets too ridiculous. What I'm saying is that we work together-- really well.

    I love his family and they seem to really like me as well. His mom and I get along better than my own mother, and I frequently visit with them (even when he isn't there).

    We have talked about our life together, and we have both agreed that we are in this for "the long haul". We have outrightly said that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and he has repeatedly told me that I am in his future and he sees us continuing our relationship together, and I have said the same.

    My problem is that I am unsure about how to approach the marriage situation. I really want to get married. I don't need a giant wedding or an expensive ring, I just want to voice that commitment that we have made to each other in front of the people who are a part of our life together.

    We have talked about marriage twice. The first time, I rambled incoherently for a long time, burst into tears and explained that I had been planning on proposing to him that weekend. He told me that while he could see marriage in the future, he wasn't ready for it at the point.

    The second time, admittedly, probably too soon after our first conversation, was a few days ago, when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him that I would like him to ask me to marry him. He let that sit for a couple of days and then brought it up. I apologized for making him feel "trapped", and explained that I wasn't looking for a ring that instant, I just wanted to re-affirm that I really want to be a part of his life, and we went through the same discussion that we have had numerous times before, about how we are committed to our life together and we make each other stupidly happy. He asked if I was "jonesing to get married", and I told him that no, I wasn't obsessed with getting married in a certain time frame (because I'm not), but I would like it to happen at some point.

    Practically speaking, we, together, make enough money to live comfortably, but we aren't rich. I know that he is not satisfied with his job, but he is unsure about what he wants to do in the future, because following his passion would mean going back to school full-time.

    I told him that if he chooses to go back to school, I will get a second job or full-time job in order to be able to support him as he has supported me, and he seems hesitant to take me up on the offer.

    It makes sense in my head that he isn't ready right now--he doesn't have his job situation figured out and we don't have enough money to pay for a big wedding-- but we both know that we are there for each other and we will unconditionally support the other person, no matter what.

    Should I just shut up about the whole marriage thing? Right now, I can tell that we are on the same page in terms of our commitment, but I think he is looking at the prospect of marriage from the idea that "well, it's going really well, so why do we have to?", but I am looking at it from "well, it's going really well, so why don't we?"

    I don't want to push the issue, and I don't want to scare him off, but I am struggling to find a way to express how I feel without bringing up the "m" word. I don't want him to feel pressured if the time is not right for him.

    I know how lucky I am and how absolutely blessed I am to have found this amazing, wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with.

    I know, deep down, that it is just a piece of paper, so it shouldn't matter- but it still does, to me. I know that I should count myself lucky and not press the issue, but honestly, I am just so happy that I want to "seal the deal" officially, not just with a fist-bump. Because that happened once. :)

    Your advice is amazing, and I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

  • profile image

    yellowroses3 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica, just came across this this morning and would like you to please advice me on what to do as my situation is somewhat similar but different.

    I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 24, we've only been together for two years and have a son who is 1year old. we were only together for about 4 months when i fell pregnant.

    before we atarted dating, he told me he didn't believe in marriage but i saw nothing of it because we weren't in love then and i didn't see us together. i have never believed in sex before marriage and was a virgin.

    so to cut long story short, i was in a bad state in my life then and was rebelious; moved out tolive on my own. i guess i just wanted to be free and thought i could do whatever i wanted so i had sex with him. i didn't even love him.

    anyways we fell in love over time though one may say 4 months is too short. i barely evenknew him. so after i had the baby, we moved in together. i always wanted to bring marriage up when i was pregnant but wasn't sure if i should.

    so i waited until our baby turned 1. i asked him if we were ever gonna be married, and he laughed saying that's never gonna happen. i was so hurt cuz he knew what i believed in but i gave it all up for him.

    i brought it up many times again and cried to him about it. but he still keeps to his belief saying he doesn't believe in marriage and that since we already live together and are happy, we should just stay like that. and also that havinga sonis bigger commitment than getting married.

    so i asked him is having a son together is a bigger commitment, thenmarriage shouldn't be so hard for him. then he said his parents got divorced and that people are hypocritical about marriage. so it makes me feel like he already sees us being divorced even before being married. i just don't understand his belief to be honest. i do everything a wife does, have his child, keep the home homey, do his laundry, cook. i do everything. he doesn't even help aroundthe house and its always a problem when i ask him to help with nappy change. i don't even go out anymore, i've lost all my friends.he goes out whenever he likes and even sleeps out and i don't stop him from having fun.

    i feel like he just wants to be free or something;idon't really know. even with all his annoying ways, i still love him and know he's the one for me but it seems like he doesn't believe in us. i feel like i'm being used most times. i can't sleep at night becausei think about marriage alot. this is how i was brought up, but i went at it the wrong way and now i feel stuck. please help me veronica, i really do not know what to do.

    sometimes i feel i have to leave him and move on but i think about my son and how he would feel, because my parents were also divorced when i was really young and it affected me alot.don't want my son to go through that too. i am also afraid of being on my own to be honest; ijust don'tknowif i'll be able to cope.

    also, i've never wanted to have kids for more than one man, and don't want to be with more than one man. this is just my belief because i have half siblings from both sides who idon't see for years and don't want that for my son. so i'd rather stay on my own if i have to leave my boyfriend...i really don't want to goon and on so i'llstop here :-)...please tell me what you think i should do

  • profile image

    From India 5 years ago

    I am so confused with my current situation.

    I am 26yrs old and my bf is 37. We have been in a committed relationship for 4.5 years now. I waited for a proposal for months and months but when it didn't happen I gave him an ultimatum according to which he had to take THE DECISION by 31 Dec 2011. A few days back he told me that he cannot take this decision by then.

    I am Indian and ny bf is American. I have a lot of pressure in this society to get married. However its not because if this pressure that I want to marry him. I want to marry him because I love him and I want to just be with him, have children and have everything else that only marriage can give.

    He says that there is nobody else he wants to be with, he loves me but he is just not getting that feeling to get married, that he is not a 100% confident about it. It kills me to know that and the thought of breaking up kills me too. What should I do!

  • profile image

    BobbieDow 5 years ago

    Ladies...

    If he says he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't. If he says he doesn't have the money, he doesn't want to get married to you. UNLESS he really doesn't have the money and you want a HUGE wedding. Sometimes you have to compromise. There are fairy tale weddings that don't cost so much, but you have to be okay with that depending on the financial state of your man. If a guy wants to make sure he catches the girl, he'll do it. There are no questions. It's the same if a guy wants to have a girlfriend. There will be no question. I think the older generations had it right when they didn't live with a guy until they were married. The old saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" is true. And he can keep going out w/you and living with you while he keeps his options open. Why not? You're loyal and he knows you're willing to get married, but he can wait for something better. Men like a challenge. If you're just bitching about marriage, he will find that annoying. If he hasn't asked in the time you feel he should have, he probably won't ask. I think women give too much of themselves before there is a real commitment. Not to be a prude, but to be realistic. And every time you devote yourself to a guy who hasn't proposed in the time you thought he should, that's a lot of time you've given to him when he's being disrespectful. And it's a lot of time you've given to him when you could be finding the great guy who will make you happy. Just don't get snowed by promises. There's another saying..."S*it or get off the pot!"

  • profile image

    thistimeonly 5 years ago

    Well here's the thing, I'm very confused.. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now, we're both in our mid-twenties. When we started dating he said I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he swore he'd marry me someday. A couple of months after he said he'd do it in 5 months and when the time came he told me he didn't want to put a time on it and that we're both not ready because we're still dependent on our families. I accepted that for a while, but now whenever this topic (marriage) arises he says he's not ready and we should get married when he's done school (4 years from now). Last time he was the one who brought it up, saying that I have a problem with it and need to talk about it so I told him that I don't understand why he changed his mind all of a sudden and that if he doesn't want to get married then he should just say so. He told me that he does want to get married but not until he's finished with his life education and that I should be patient and keep in mind that "we could still break up one day" and that "he doesn't want me to just break up with him if he's still not ready after he's finished school". I just finished college and got offered a really good job so I can definitely support both of us until he's done and he knows that but what I don't get is, why the drastic change of heart? From swearing to marry me in 5 months, to we might still break up or he might still not be ready in 4 years? Am I misunderstanding something here? Or is it just bad timing? The only reason I want to marry him is to me this is it, he's the one and I love him way too much, but given my culture and religion, I cant just stay in a relationship like that for 5-10 years without something official and he knows that it will be difficult for me to explain that to everyone I know I've already went through a lot to make my family accept him, and yet I'm supposed to understand and respect his decision but it's okay for him to not respect mine?

  • profile image

    mindydr 5 years ago

    I agree that a guy is leading you on when he does that. It happened to me. And, actually, yes, he is a jerk. I won't even date a guy who has done that to a girl. So what if he says wow he wants to marry you after he's done that to someone else; don't feel flattered, don't feel exstatic - he's selfish, and eventually, you'll feel the sting too. There are lots of guys who wouldn't do that to another girl, and you need to question his history. If he says he's not ready, he's a stringer alonger. If he says he's ready, find out how he's treated others.

  • ubanichijioke profile image

    Alexander Thandi Ubani 5 years ago from Lagos

    Wow this is more than a milestone. Sensational and awesome

  • profile image

    Time 5 years ago

    I have been with my boyfriend for three years. we have lived with each other for 1 and a half. A few months ago i moved out because he was moving in a family member and the only thought was Were not married i dont want to take care of u and them...I am not our wife...Since then we have gotten back with each other but i have not moved back in... He had Talked about marriage before, even our wedding. But it hadnt happen and i kept getting a not yet. I had to leave i felt stuck. Now every time i mention our futur he gets mad. he got drunk and told me he had the money to buy the ring but i left so he spent it. Keep in mind i am not the bad guy. He was taking me for granted in a lot of ways. Hence I DIDNT want to take care of him and his brother. But he has change now. But us getting married seems lost forever. Its feels like were going backwards.

  • profile image

    Anon 5 years ago

    Sorry I meant to add that we are both 33 and have been together for three years now. xx

  • profile image

    Anon 5 years ago

    OK, briefly these are the facts. I was married. I met my now bf extremely quickly after me and the ex husband split. Bf and I dated for approx 3 months, got into a relationship after that and were due to move in together after 9 months. However, in comes curve ball and his company send him to live overseas. He asks me to go with him. So after 9 months of being together we go to live overseas. Since the beginning of this relationship he has been emotionally unavailable. He does not talk about his feelings, he rarely tells me he love me. His actions are 'non-commital'. We dont have any joint finances. In fact I asked him about his finances, he tells me he doesnt know his position. I don't believe him. He doesnt want to get married - doesnt believe in it. He says he will buy a house with me when we move back to our home country in about a year. He says he will have kids when we are 37/38. I have said I want to get remarried and have kids sooner than that. There is no compromise to be had on the marriage thing and having done it before I know that it can just be ended and so I am still deciding if it is a deal breaker. Kids - he has said once we are home and have a house he will consider having kids sooner but we will have to 'see'. Everything in this relationship is on his terms. I know I am not getting what I want because I am miserable. I need to end it but it isn't as easy as that living overseas. My visa is reliant on him. To my mind I am thinking that I see it out for the next year and then when we move home see if his 'actions' do speak of commitment and if they don't call it a day. Thoughts xxx

  • profile image

    bethany amber 5 years ago

    Veronica,

    You give really great advice! I was wondering if you might be able to give some insight to my current situation. I recently met a man through a work meeting that I was taken with. We do not work together, there is no chance that we ever will, we just work for the same company. So I sent him an email, to ask him for an opinion on a work related issue. He seemed very excited to hear from me. Answered my question in great detail, and then assured me that he would be more than happy to help me with anything at all, I just needed to tell him. We have continued the conversation on for over a week. Then i ended it by thanking him for his time and all the advice etc(maybe a bad move, but i wanted to see if he would try and keep the conversation rolling.) Much to my surprise he did. He wrote back a novel. Now, all of our conversations have been professional, but hes getting a little less formal with me as of recently. He uses my name a lot in the emails, and often compliments me on things. Very genuine and appropriate compliments. For example he's told me that I have a great head on my shoulders, that my staff is very lucky to have someone so caring and dedicated to them, etc. My gutt instinct says that at least on some level there is an interest. At the same time though I am not really sure how to show an interest without crossing any lines professionally, and without being certain of how hes feeling.

  • profile image

    Haleysc 5 years ago

    Oops got cut off... Put my flat on Market (where we were Both living) to buy somewhere together with a joint mortgage. He went along with it but kept saying that our flat was so nice why didn't we just stay there etc. Then in April just as we found somewhere else he said we weren't getting on anymore and that we should split up. My world turned upside down as he said look if we were meant to get married we would have done do by now. I was heartbroken and told him to get out which he did. Two months later he returned saying he'd freaked out and the whole pressure had got to him and if we got back together it would be commitment and everything snd that he'd missed me so much. He continued this for a month or so and then when I said that commitment shouldn't be scary he freaked out again and said he didn't want marriage etc and he's now gone again saying he was sorry he is so confused and that he's never meant to hurt me. I wish I'd got out sooner I feel a fool for stating so long : I hope others take heed of this. I am left devastated feel like he strung me along being comfortable.

  • profile image

    Haleysc 5 years ago

    Hi. I wish I'd found this site before. I'm 34 as is my now ex boyfriend. We were together seven years meeting aged 26. We split up for a year after three years and then got back together and I hoped that he'd pop the question soon after. His finances were in a mess so I thought that was the reason he wasn't ready and then he only had a part time job. He then got diagnosed with a degenerative illness about three years ago which knocked us for six but I vowed to keep supporting him and told him I'd love him no matter what. In April last year he got a proper job and at that time we went to a wedding and everyone was saying you'll be next. The next day he spoke about what sort of wedding we'd have and I felt so happy. Then in September he suddenly dropped a bombshell that he loved me but wasn't sure about having kids and whether he could give me what I wanted. I ended up crying but the next day he said he was just drunk and of course he wanted to marry me and have children. A seed of paranoia was planted though. It resulted in me questioning whether we would get married and he'd say yes of course and then change the subject. Earlier this year I couldn't sleep and would end up crying about things all my friends were married and I was stuck I this relationship that want going anywhere. I said I needed to speak to him and asked him to tell me honestly if he thought we'd get married. He looked shocked and said "yesone day"! I ended up in tears again saying one day?!!! We've been together 7 years I can't wait for one day! He ended up storming into the other room and then later coming back and hugging me and saying he hoped to propose by the end of the year and he thought he was just scared of losing his youth etc (aged 34!). To see if there was any commitment I put my flat on the market

  • profile image

    beyond confused 5 years ago

    Please help. Its a long one, but I'll be too the point. I've been dating this man on and off for 3 years. Initially, when we dated he had recently got a divorce (post 1 year) and swore he was ready to move on, but often was sad due to the seperation from his child. He lives in a seperate state and has custody of one child. The first two years were difficult as he was emotionally not available. After a while, I could not take his lack of affection and split. We split for about 5 months and both saw other people, his brother suddenly died and he called me. One thing led to another and we were back together. This time he is emotionally available and very much into me. As I assisted the family with the death, I was spending every night over his house and he always found a need for me to stay there. He would talk to me about marriage, "what type of wedding do you want," take me ring shopping, and mysteriously I had a diamond ring come up missing. I know for certain he has it as he tells me it will reappear and not to worry. (Plus, I know where he hid hit) Like any other woman I thought the proposal was comming. However, 7 months later I am still at his house and NO ring. I know that he is having some financial troubles as there were some changes at his job and he had to take a lower position. He has recently got a 2nd job . . .now he never ask me for money and anytime we have dinner he picks up the tab. I talked to him about marriage and he promises me that he is going to marry me. He does things like comes over to my house and will start helping me clean and encourages me to purge items I do not need because he already has it at "our other home". I mentioned us getting married again and he said hes not ready today, but understands that I want to have a baby and my timeline and promises all of this will happen. Then, he asked me about moving in permanently to his house. When I declined he was in shock and did not understand why.

    Our entire situation is just very confusing and causing strain on our relationship. I want to believe him, but am I missing his actions? I would not mind moving in if I had something concrete, but without it I just cant.

    Am I wasting my time or is a proposal comming.

  • profile image

    Dsgnyell22 5 years ago

    My boyfriend and I were together for a few years and had an unexpected pregnancy and now have a beautiful son. He then cheated and I left him...this all happened about a year ago. About nine months ago he came back and said he wanted to work on things and we have been in counseling off and on since. Over the past few months we have began to fight over a commitment. He doesn't say he doesn't want to get married he says that he wants us to work through a few more of our issues before that happens. Meanwhile my son and I remain moved out as I am not going to keep going back and forth. I feel as though if he really wanted it to work after all he's done then he would be willing to make a commitment. He seems as though he is willing to lose me instead of proposing. Our arguments about this have gotten pretty bad with me most recently giving him a choice. His response to that was do you really want a forced proposal? Which the answer to that is no.

    At this point I am just not sure what to do. I want to be with him and I want to create a stable environment for my son but I am just not sure if I am living in a fantasy that we will actually get there or if I need to move on.

    Any advice is very much appreciated

  • jynelleybelly profile image

    jynelleybelly 5 years ago

    I really like that this hub was so to the point and honest. I like the clear message you are sending to women out there that if a man wants to marry you, he will! You seemed to have covered all your bases as far as I am concerned. Of course each man is different and they may have different meanings about wanting to marry, whether they are ready "not now" literally meaning just not at this moment, or "not now" meaning not with you.

    I voted this hub up and found it useful.

    Keep at it! I like the clear and concise manner in which you wrote this piece.

  • profile image

    confusedilemma 5 years ago

    hi, my long distance boyfriend wants us to be not so serious just because i told him that i missed him.He said that the only reason we re together is that because we knew when we d see each other and now since hes going to university for 3 years which he decided on his own. This is all because of the death of his best friend and he feels like he needs to be responsible to their family.So he is saying he doesnt know when we ll see each other and right now he donest see a future. But there is a possibilty. I know he is broke at the moment and is stressed about his future but I thought i was a part of it,he said he has had to re assesed his life after his friends death. I have now tried minimizing contact but we do chat once in a while because I cant blame him for all that has happened or should I be upset that he has not made a priority?

  • profile image

    Losing faith 6 years ago

    I've never been one to comment just browse, however I feel as if I reaching my end. My bf & I have been together 4 yrs (known each other for 8) and have a 1 yr old son together. He was married before and has 2 other children he went through a nasty divorce and she still isn't pleasant. I've stuck with him through thick & thin and birthed his child and have wanted to marry him for the past 3 years, he always says we are working towards it keep the faith, my response is usually that he isn't God and I can't keep faith in him without him showing me a reason to. Lately he has been saying oh it's going to happen real soon don't rush it but recently we were talking about "it" & he says well I mean I just got out of a marriage. I felt as if I had been kicked in the chest by mule. He has been divorced for the duration of our relationship but he did not allow himself time to heal, I met him while he and his ex-wife (girlfriend) at the time were broken up then he wanted to settle down but I was too young and not ready we parted ways but stayed in touch (never sexually) but it wasn't until we reunited that I found out he had married her and was in the midst of a divorce....sigh I probably should've left then u cannot explain why I didn't, fastforward 4 years and we are in the same place living together only now with a precious lil boy which makes it all the more difficult for me. I don't want to have my son grow up without his daddy but I too would like to be happy. I feel myself withdrawing from him as of late and it breaks my heart bc we are each others best friend and over all a decent team, I just don't know how much longer I can put my feelings on the back burner. It doesn't help that I feel so guilty about continuing to live in sin with him. I m considering giving him one LAST year to make a move (but not telling him as I have sworn off all marriage talk) and then hitting the road. I owe it to my son to at least try right? Advice please

  • profile image

    less and less hopeful 6 years ago

    Veronica,

    I truly love your advice and have been reading through all your answers related to marriage and commitment! I have a situation that I really need your level headed opinion.

    I have been dating my 38 year old boyfriend for nearly one year. He travels for work a lot. Originally he had told me he travels about 2 months of the year, but he is actually gone more like 5 months. I'm 35 in two weeks.

    We get along really well and he is a truly amazing boyfriend. His latest trip was a lot longer than usual - he was gone 6 weeks. The trip was hard on our relationship. I don't hear from him super regularly when he is gone as he has a really demanding job. He never Skype and we usually speak every other day, sometimes briefly. On one occasion I didn't hear from him when he said he would call and I had no idea if he was okay or what had happened to him.

    I over reacted when we finally did speak and ended up asking if this is how his life and job is always going to be. He didn't know what I meant by always and the conversation ended up turning to marriage and kids. He was away and obviously under a lot of stress, so the conversation went badly. But he did say we would talk about things when he got back.

    Well, he got back and a week went by without him bringing up the subject. In the meantime I began to notice that he was very non-committal when I asked things like where he wanted to live in a few years, how many kids he wanted and so on. I'm planning a trip in a few months and because of his work schedule he said he didn't know if he'd be joining me. This finally precipitated into the 'talk' - and it went badly!

    I got over-emotional, for sure. It was a hard talk to have, and he is not the best at being serious. He is sensitive about his finances as he's just gone through near-bankruptcy, so his main concern was that he is no place to support a wife and child right now. Which I understand, but I said I needed to just know we were heading in that direction. He kept saying 'what do you need, you want a ring and children right now?'. The part that hurt the most was when he said 'do you really think 11 months is long enough to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?'. I guess I had thought so! Anyway, I was extremely sad and cried a lot which I think was a bit scary for him. I also said that I am 35 and need to think about these things, about my future, if I'm to have chances of having a family. His last relationship was 8 years and he never proposed.

    I understand a lot of this was a timing thing - it was a bad time to have the conversation, as we hadn't had the smoothest sailing over the previous few weeks. So I gave it a break. I was intending to just try and enjoy our time together for a few months at least. We managed two weeks. I kept myself busy with other things, and our time together has been wonderful. But I guess the topic came up again and I didn't try hard enough to keep my composure. It came up when he was vague with financial plans. I said I wished he would discuss these things with me and the 'talk' started again. This time he again said 'what do you want, a ring and kids right now?'. I said I needed to at least know that was the direction we were heading, and that it would be nice to discuss these things and our finances together. He said he's embarrassed about his finances, and that we haven't even lived together yet. I didn't get a chance to say it, but I don't even want to live with someone unless we're getting married! He said he needed some time to think about it, so we left things unresolved again.

    I don't know what to think. We get on so well most of the time, but it seems we have a hard time communicating about serious things. I don't know whether this is just a growing pain that should be expected in a relationship, where we adjust to thinking as a team, or whether this a sign that he will never be able to commit to me. I want to be able to say 'Ok, I will leave this topic alone' for at least 1-2 months, but I feel insecure from time to time and don't know how to ignore the feeling that I might be making a mistake and that he's never going to want a future with me and then it will be too late. I don't know how to continue deepening this relationship with him if I'm only going to get hurt in the long run and will have to rebuild something with somebody else.

    Any insights on where a soon to be 39 year old man might be in his head, and what the chances are that he thinks I am the right person for him?

    Thank you Veronica!

  • profile image

    Blue31 6 years ago

    I left my boyfriend of 10 years almost 3 years ago. He said constantly throughout our relationship that he didn't want to get married 'right now'. I had enough and moved on even though it meant selling the house and starting again. I have been seeing a wonderful man for the past 2 years. We have a lot of fun together, his son loves me, and I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. The problem is he doesn't know whether he will ever want to get married, although he's happy to consider more kids. We have yet to move in together, he is umming and ahhing at the moment as he knows this should be the next step, but after 10 years living alone after leaving his ex (they weren't married) he's undecided as to when to make this happen. However, given my history I am also cautious about moving in incase it leads to complacency and no ring. I guess my question would be whether I should give him a break as he's a naturally indecisive person, or should I push for a decision on both moving in and marriage, and how long do I wait before I have to choose whether I can live without marriage, or whether I leave him?

  • profile image

    Destiny Watson 6 years ago

    This was a very wonderful place to come to and you just helped me get ready to move on from my ex. He said that he would try to be in a relationship but it didn't really seem to happen. His underlying problem is that he hasn't really ventured out and got with as many woman as he has wanted to. I've been with men and all that good stuff and I'm ready to just stop and be in a great relationship. He can't handle that situation and says I've had my fun and he has not had his so that's what he wants to do.

    I told him that I would wait but I honestly can not wait forever. It does not feel right to me to wait around (we definitely were not talking between the time he was out and about) while he goes out and has fun. I told him if I find someone who wants to talk to me and be with me and I find them interesting I will slowly become friends and figure them out first, But I will still be here for him if I'm still here when he is ready.

    Right now, I'm relaxing and getting to enjoy myself and in about a month I will be moving on. By the way, I'm 19 years old (really mature for my age) and he is 20.

  • profile image

    suman 6 years ago

    i m an indian from a conservative family and so is my boyfriend.....he is financially stronger dan my family...he is 22 and i m 24....he married me in a room without any formalities....we had bit sex and all....dat was 2 years back...we r dating for more dan 2 and half yrs...gradually he changed when he joined business wid his dad...i m studying...he helps me financially at times...but now he says dat he cant promise me a marriage..and if i can wait i sud or i sud go....i m emotionally dependent on him ...and i dont want to breakup coz i got physical and i think i m impure now, thanks to my indian mentality...i love him but he behaves very bad and non caring

  • profile image

    Sarah 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica- great post!I do not want to bore you with a long story of my relationship. I do want to tell you that I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 3 1/2 years now. We have been living together for almost a year. Our financial situation is perfectly okay. He has his masters degree and a good job in Manhattan. I quit my job and will be attending law school (finally!) this upcoming Fall. We talk a lot about marriage- through conversation- through jokes, etc. I heard him, about a month ago, go through my "ring trinket" box. So, that is when I finally thought "wow, I think he is getting me a ring- and wanted to take one of the rings he knows I wear on my ring finger for sizing purposes!". Well, of course, because I became overly anxious, I mentioned me hearing him go through my ring box. He just looked at me and "giggled". No denying, but no admitting. The next conversation we had about marriage included him saying "maybe in a year I'll propose to you, not now though". Silly me- I got upset. I said "well, Brian, I heard you in my ring box, I'm not stupid". His response was, "See Sarah, you take the fun out of everything". What do you think this means? My first guess would mean that he is in fact shopping for a ring or has one, but because I tend to not think before I speak, I'll bring up marriage- but I do it sometimes kiddingly- because he kids around with me all the time! So, what do you think that comment means? "Taking all the fun out of it". And do you think I should stop even "joking" about the subject.. for example, we live on the water- between Jersey and Manhattan- so we have a boardwalk at our condo complex that you can walk around and see the skyline of the city and the Statue of Liberty- one evening, he wanted to go for a walk- and he said he wished we brought our camera so we could take a pic of the full moon which was shining bright behind lady liberty. I said, yeah, I know what else we should have brought on this walk. He began laughing. What should I do and what do you think?!

  • profile image

    Willon 6 years ago

    Hello, Veronica. i want to ask you something , im not english, so sorry for my grammar or spelling :). So, i met my bf on 7th of september last year, but he was still with his ex, and he told me that he has a gf, but he is not happy with her, and wants to break up. he broke up before christmas. i didnt have sex with him for long enough after we met. it happened on new years eve. there was still problems with his ex, they lived together for 5 years, they were engaged, so she is very disapointed about loosing him. he is 32 , im 24. he keeps saying me, that he is old, sometimes he jokes about marrying me, and having children. but yesterday we were talking, i asked him what does he think about me, he told different things and said "if talking about serious things, i dont want to get married, i live from week to week, i dont think about future" . so it means to me, that he is still not recovered after his ex relationship. im not telling that i want to marry him, or marry now, but does it mean that he is not serious with me, i think its too early because we just started to be together, we live 1 hour away from each other, we meet very rearly, once he suggested me to live together, but i told no! so as we meet i spend with him 4 days, or less, depends on how many days i have off. everything is ok, if his ex doesnt text him.. she stopped, but we met her last week, so she started again. she told him that i cant take care of him that much as she did, she saw that im young. but yes, im spoilt child, i hate cooking etc. maybe she's right, and maybe he thinks the same, and now he has doubts about me. Yes, i know im not ready for marriage, or children, but im just not sure if it will be long and serious relationship. im childish, and he sees that. im afraid of any relationship, because im not so self confident about my housekeeping and taking care ao other person. it seems that all i can be is just bauty and sex.

  • profile image

    Marriage 6 years ago

    My partner and I have been together for four years. Things have been tight and I have been studying during this time which makes things hard on us both with money. This year he has started fully supporting me financially so I know and appreciate that he makes an effort with me, and is involved in this relationship. The thing is though that when I talk to him about marriage he 'literally' throws the blankets over his head and just says argghhh I don't want to talk about this, i don't know how I feel about marriage, I'm not ready, I don't know if I believe in it....

    He's also asked me to try for kids this year though, and we I have discussed with him that I don't want diamonds, just a homemade ring and a promise for a future together so I know I'm not wasting my time. His parents divorced when he was young....I'm so confused by these mixed messages, do you think he will ever want to marry me, or am I just being one of these naive girls? Because unfortunately even though I know he is being amazingly supportive to me I think I might leave him in the next few months if I don't feel as though he wants to move forward because I don't want to get my heart broken in a years time

  • profile image

    Debra R  6 years ago

    I have read many of these posts. I am beside myself really. I know what I should do, but..... I guess that seems to be the final answer, butt....

    Just to update you. I met a man two years ago in May (May 2009), he had been seperated from his wife of 30 years for two months. He was trying to 'punish' her for all of her cheating she done all them years. They moved to a higher class of living, he treated her like a queen. Knowing that she was in deed a county hooch. He was no saint. They played head games for 30 yrs, I'm sure no one will be surprised to hear that. It was always a 'I can do it better!'.

    We have pretty much been together ever since. I have still maintained my own place the entire time, almost two years later. I have been staying with him 24/7 since July 09. I pretty much live as his wife, No I do 100%. I pamper him like he's a king, always have. I give 200% and he givces about 10%. He has always said that he shouldn't jump right into another relationship. Uh, you should have thought about that two years ago you think!.

    I am an independant woman, pay my own bills, but for the life of me, cannot seem to give up just yet.

    I keep thinking, you know, just give him time. But, how sad is that? I know right.

    He is 51 this year, and I'm 42. I have been through two bad marriages already.

    He made me an offer two weeks ago, he brought it up not me. He is going to pay for a procedure that we both want, no not boobs. And in turn, I'll move in and give up my place.

    Well, do I need to say he has got all freaked out. I told him that I will not stop paying at my own apt.

    He isn't afraid to be one on one. It's the entire 'commitment' of me being here actually 100% with not my own place.

    He's a pretty honest man, but it's always about him. ???? help

  • profile image

    Mog9 6 years ago

    Hi there, I have been enjoying your posts here and I wanted to make a comment and I suppose ask my own question.

    Firstly, I implore young men in their 20's not to waste away girls 20's with false promises and wishy washy answers about the future. Grow some balls and be honest, there are always more girls to sleep around with if that’s where your at!

    This is the age that many women hope to meet the right guy, have kids etc. and btw we have an expiry date on having kids!! If you know that and keep her around anyway, what does that say about the kind of person you are?

    I was foolish enough to have this happen to me during my 20's. I received many promises, gifts, promise rings, trips around the world and was close to his family. 7 years later he just left one day and that was it, no discussion, just gone. Looking back, I think it was more shameful that he wasted my 20's than all his bad behaviour etc. Bottom line I should have left a long time ago!

    I am now with a really great guy, but I am getting the “I’m not ready and I don’t want things to change”. I am worried that my anxiety over commitment may be exacerbated by my previous relationship and my age (I am 29). Also, his previous g/f and her family pressured him a lot to marry her and he loathed it. She left him and married. I don't want to come off like that to him either.

    He is a single father and a very straightforward person in general, he isn’t afraid to be honest even if it hurts your feelings. Initially we set boundaries right from the start and talked about what we were looking for in a relationship before getting attached. I guess at the time we both had bad previous relationships and didn’t want to waste each others time if we weren’t on the same page. We seemed to want the same things and really felt something special towards each other. So, we have been living together and dating for over 2 years. He shows tonnes of affection and love towards me, he surprises me with flowers and cards for no reason and always wants me to be happy. Our home life is great and he tells me he has never been happier and wants a future and kids with me. He talks about having kids a lot and tells me everyday how much he loves me…

    Except, when it comes to talking about money, marriage and buying a home he gets angry and doesn’t want to discuss it. He likes things to be his way and is quite stubborn about it, he likes to live for today and has only just started to try and manage his finances better. On the other side of this when we talk about and i get upset he eventually comes and talks to me and tells me he loves me, not to worry so much and it will be okay, “just relax”.

    Should I be more concerned? Or is it okay to relax and let it just happen when it happens? It almost seems that he is ready for more kids, but not marriage?! Thanks!

  • profile image

    blueskies02 6 years ago

    Dear Veronica,

    I feel like I'm breathing a little easier after having found this hub and reading your comments. I need your help. I am 31 and in a relationship with a guy who is 32. We have been together for about a year and a half. From the beginning the relationship has been long distance between GA and VA. Then for 7 months I worked/lived out of the country. The strain of the long distance of being overseas did not bring out the best in either of us. We had many arguments and it eventually created quite a divide. I chose to come back to the States b/c I wanted a career change and because I knew the relationship would end otherwise.

    For a long time we quite freely talked about marriage, kids, etc. He even told me to start looking at rings while I was overseas. Now he tells me he isn't ready "yet". He's says he's not healed from the damage of me being away (the arguments). He says that I am the one he sees himself with. He refers to our married life and our children in conversations. We have currently been living together for 4 months and he has been supporting us while I make a career change. Other than the marriage topic our relationship is quite easy and fun. This has become a very emotional and hurtful subject between us. Right or wrong, I feel like he is waiting to make up his mind about me. I feel mislead from our previous conversations about marriage to his current stance. I'm am debating seriously debating staying or leaving and would appreciate any insight you have. Thank you!

  • profile image

    Heidi 6 years ago

    I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and half, everything started good, we were ok in the relationship, but after that year we start to having some fights, before when everything was going well we had talk about marriage it was ok, but 6 months ago with this fight everything starting to change, many times he said that he loves me so much, almost in October he come to live with me because he want to see if we are ok for the marriage and also his parents around 1 month later asked him what is going on with us, if he is going to marriage me or not, because if he is not ready is better to let me go, but they say is his decision, so by last month together many times we had a fight and always when I said bye he aske me if I forgive him and he is going to give me an enganched ring, so all the time said that, and he said he doesn't want to lose me, so in the end we had a fight and he let, he left 3 times, but this last time, he told me that is over, he said he needs time to think, I was waiting for one week in that week he called me many times to say hi and then he talk to me in the end and he said is better to finish because he is not ready for marriage, and maybe he doesn't want kids, so he told not is over, he is not ready, I give him time to think again and 1 week again he told me not, is better this way, he told me that I can found another men to get marriage, because he is not ready, and he said he needs time to think about his self and what he wants, but he wants to keep me as friend, because he said he care about me, so I don't understand how in few months he loves me, he even want to give enganched ring, he didn't want to lose me and the end he is not ready, he is not dating another woman I know, so I think he is scare for the marriage and his parents maybe push him, but I didn't say nothing that I want to get marriage, so I don't understand, Any one can give and advise.

  • profile image

    butterfly 6 years ago

    I Veronica,

    First of all, thank you for all your insightful remarks! My issue is the same as NaturalBeauty, and I was wondering what kind of advice you would have for us.

    Thank you very much!

  • profile image

    hootandahalf811 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    After reading many of your posts I can't tell you how much your posts and responses to other people's comments help me to understand what possibly might be going through my boyfriends head. However, I wanted to ask your advice anyhow.

    And after reading the comment above I think I have a similar story to her. I'm 23 my boyfriend is 6 months younger than me. After reading a few posts I understand that we are "young" and that it's not a good idea to rush into things. However, we have been dating for a 2 years and 4 months. We've had a fantastic relationship. The best one I have ever been in. He truly is the best guy I have ever dated, and Love him dearly. My question is that We have had a few very heated discussions about marriage that all end the same... He's not ready to get married and he feels that I'm ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow. I've stated over and over that I'm not, I simply want to know if he can see me in is future, if he even thinks he wants to marry me one day or am I just wasting my time hoping that he changes his mind?

    He's told me "It's not you I am worried about it's just getting married that freaks me out". He and I both have said that we are happy when we are together and that neither one of us want's to break up. However, we have both said that we haven't gotten that "magic light from God" saying She/He's the one. And I honestly don't know if I believe in that "feeling". I just think of it as a decision. If you love someone and want to be with them then make a decision to do so.

    My main problem is that I feel that after 2 years of dating you should know or at least have an idea of whether or not you want to be with that person and or see a definite future with them. i.e. getting married, starting a family etc. I feel that we do have a good relationship and that I can see myself being with him and that if he were to ask me to marry him (later) I would say yes. But, it causes me to think other wise when we continue to argue, and especially when you hear the person you love say "well I want to be with you and I love you but I'm just not sure about getting married" and in my girlish mind all I hear is "I want to be with you I just don't want to marry you". Am I wrong in thinking this?

    To make things a little more complicated...I just took a job in another state but am only a 2 hour drive away. This is the first time we've truly been apart from one another after being together for 2 years for longer than just a few days at a time. We started dating in college and have both been out of college for a year now. It's been 3 months into my job (either he or I will drive to see each other on the weekends) and I also just accepted a more permanent position for the time being (When I was job searching after graduating from college where we live I just couldn't find a job in the same area). So I took this job because at the time, I was under the impression that since we weren't married I needed to do this for me so that I can better myself and my career in the future, I felt it was ok to be selfish since we both aren't at a point where we are ready to get married. And it might help him realize how much he does care for me or not. I plan to be over here until he decides if he want's to marry me or not then I will take the steps to move back or he and I both will move somewhere else. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

    And at first everything seemed to be fine... not major hiccups or arguments but we are both very strong willed and have stubborn personalities. Which here lately have reared their ugly head more than either of us can stand. We argue over the dumbest stuff imaginable, which makes me question if we really are going to make it.

    I want to look towards the future and think about getting married and hopefully taking those next steps within the next year... I'm afraid of this being another failed relationship. My last boyfriend and I also were together for 2 years, talked a lot about getting married and then broke up due to me waking up and realizing he was trying to make me someone I didn't want to be. It took me a year to get over that and open myself up to falling for someone else.

    He and I both have decided to try to get better about controlling our emotions and just letting the arguments go (which I think is our biggest problem) But we have also said that for the past 3 months and things haven't exactly changed.

    So should I stick it out and hope things get better? Or should I just give up on the best relationship I've had and try to move on?

  • profile image

    nettle 6 years ago

    Veronica, I'm really hoping you will still be online and giving advice. My boyfriend and I live together and have been together almost 2 years. Up until this weekend I was really happy and thought this is the most perfect relationship ever.

    He is from Australia and I'm English, we met and live in the UK. A few weeks ago he said the only think keeping him in this country is me and then this weekend he dropped the bomb that he wants to go home one day and when he goes he won't want to come back to the UK. He then said that his greatest fear is that we move to Australia (which I would do) and I get homesick and come home and take our kids with me... don't worry you haven't missed something, we don't actually have any kids yet! I think this comes from his past - his parents split when he was 4 and his mum moved them hundreds of miles away from his dad. He said he is feeling homesick and I would be worse as am closer to my family.

    Then he said he isn't ready to get married, he doesn't want to make the mistakes his parents did and that he doesn't think I am either. I told him I was and I kinda thought he was getting that way too. He talks about it, just last week we were at a hotel and when I was signing for drinks he said to sign using his last name. He was also talking about what car he should buy next and said maybe it should be a 5 door so we could get the kids in the back more easily.

    He says he loves me and that he isn't wasting my time but I just don't know what to believe. I feel like things are very conflicting.

    Like I say until this conversation I was happy but now I feel like perhaps he doesn't think there is a future for us. I'm 28 and he is 30 and I don't want to waste my time which is what I told him but how do I know if I am?

    I'm not sure that I should chuck away the best relationship I have ever had because he doesn't want to get married yet, when I'm not really that bothered about getting married yet... I just want to know that there is a future.

    I know I should probably know the answer from all the other advice you have given out but I kinda want to believe you will see some bright hope for me???

    If you could find time to give m some advice I would very much appreciate it.

  • profile image

    Tatiana 6 years ago

    Hi verónica. I would much appreciate your advice.

    I am from Colombia, and was studying in New York. I met this guy who I totally felt in love with. After 5 months he asked me to move in with him. We lived together for 10 months until I had to come back to Colombia, my visa would expire and I could not stay there anymore. We have been very frustrated about all this situation. He tells me that he loves me, that I am the one, etc. We are now in a long distance relationship, and he was supposed to come to visit on January. Unfortunately he is very insecure and he tells me now that he is afraid to come to my country, also he says that it is very difficult for him to keep a long distance relationship. We know that one way for me to come back is to get married, but he says that he is not ready to settle down yet. (no in the next 5 years, we are both 26 right now). I am very confused because he says no to be ready to settle down, but he wants me to come back to the country somehow (in my own) to continue living with him, to support each other and grow together. I am very sad and disappointed because I feel first used, and second i feel that his love is not enough to do something to save our relationship. Do you think this is selfish?

    Since I moved back almost 3 months ago, this relationship has been in ups and downs. One week he tells me how much he loves me, and the other week he calls me sad and frustrated because we are not together and tells me that I need to be there for this to workout. Then next week he calls me to tell me he can't live without me, and that he would get married, and next week he calls me to tell me he has thought about it, and that he wants to be in a better situation when he gets married. Then he calls me to tell me he would come to visit, so we can be together and see each other, we started looking for flights, and next week he calls me and tells me he is not sure about he coming to my country, that I should be the one coming to the states. I told him that I was with him for a ling time there, and that I wanted he to come to meet all my family and the other part of my life. I told him I couldn't come back to the U.S. anytime soon because I don't have a visa anymore. It is definitely easier and cheaper for him to come. At this point I am very tired of this whole situation, I told him how I felt. I told him that I love him so much, that I would do whatever it takes me to be with him. But in the short run he should do something to keep the long distance relationship alive, like coming to visit. I really don't know what to think about what he really feels. I don't know if it is because personal issues he has had in the past that makes him so insecure. I do not know what to do to show him that if I am with him is not just for a paper, in case he feels like that. I am in so much pain right now. Last time we spoke I told him, that I didn't think he felt enough love for me, and that he should be more honest to me because it is hurting me more to be fine one week and to be very hurt the next week. I told that I would rather be hurt once if what he wanted was to break up, since he is not doing anything to be with me in this long distance relationship. He said that I was right and we decided to be friends. It's been only 2 days since this happened, and knowing how he is, I am afraid he is gonna call me back to tell me he misses me or something that would make me weak. I really don't want to be hurt anymore, and I want to maintain firm about his decision. Even the least I want is to lose him. I really really love this guy. However I would like to know what do you think about this specific situation. I would keep in mind your advice, and if necessary will let you know what was the end of this.

    Write me back please,

    Thank you,

  • profile image

    Que_sera 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica,I've been reading your hubs and thought you had amazing advice for everyone. I feel like I can relate to several hubs and the advice for each is slightly different. I was hoping that you could give me advice on my situation.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years (he is 22 and I'm 24). Within 3 or 4 months of dating I knew he was the one, and at a couple months short of a year we seriously started talking about the future. We both were sure that each other was the one and that we would be together forever. I knew/know we are young and during your early 20's you start to find out who you are, and I thought that we were really lucky to find each other and we would grow together. As our relationship continued the talks about our future became more and more serious, he even picked out a day that he wanted to get married (06/09/2012, we both have a thing about the number 3). Things were going perfect but last winter I started to severely suffer from depression, he took amazing care of me and even helped me find a counselor so I could feel better. During this time we both agreed that it would be best for me to move back home (3hrs away) once I was done with school so I could focus on getting better. We talked everyday and he would send me random text messages telling me he loved me.

    At the end of the august we took a vacation together and rented a condo and as we both said it was a "preview" of living together. After the vacation he told me that he loved living together for the past week and couldn't wait until we got engaged and moved in together. However about a week ago he confessed to me that he was scared that I wasn't the one. He said that talking about the future made him uncomfortable but that he loved me and wanted things to work. When I asked him why he was questioning it he said he didn't know......so I asked him if he loved me or if he was IN love with me. He said he was in love with me but just couldn't figure out why he was second guessing everything. I don't understand how his feelings could drastically change so quickly (he said it happened within just a couple of days) I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from him and I don't know how I should handle this situation.

  • profile image

    The one guy 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    Having read through some of your comments, you obviously don't get questions from guys very often, but my girlfriend and I have a similar situation as other people in this thread. We've been dating 4 years, she's 28 and I'm 27. She's ready, I'm not, and it's causing a lot of tension. I love her more than the world and am so lucky that she's in my life, but I get nervous about marriage. I'm not totally sure why, but I think it's a combination of not being ready to grow up and being worried that marriage wrecks relationships because people stop trying. Also, as much as I’m fully committed to her, she’s my first real gf and I have no previous experiences to compare this relationship to, so it’s tough for me to tell if my feelings of reluctance are internal or if they’d be different with a different girl.

    However, even though I’m nervous about marriage, I’ve always assumed I would get married at some point in the future (even before I met this girl), but thought of it more as a passive thing that would just happen to me, rather than an active process I needed to initiate. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but like a lot of guys, I just didn't really think about it too hard.

    So now we're 4 years in, she's been pushing, and I've started thinking about it a lot more seriously. I want to be ready, but now I feel like I have this running clock where she's just constantly watching me, silently willing me to hurry it up. She's not even all that pushy, that's just how I feel because I know she's ready. I tell her that I'm fully committed to her and that's not the problem and she says "I know you believe that". I tell her I’m working on it and she says “wanting to marry me is not something you should have to force yourself to do.”

    I love her and I want to be with her. I would move in with her tomorrow if she wanted to. I want to marry her one day, but something is stopping me from taking that leap. I can’t be sure when or if I will completely get over my reluctance. My question is – how much is compromise acceptable in this case? As in, if I ask her to marry me even though I’m still nervous (and I think I might always be at least a little nervous), is that a “wrong reason to get married”?

  • profile image

    Jojo0205 6 years ago

    I don't want to write a long drawn out post, so I am going to try to sum it all up. My fiancé and I have been together since 2002. We went away to college together and moved I'm with each other.  I'm currently 27 and he's 28. We broke up for about a year back in 2006 after college because I didn't feel as though out relationship was going in the right direction. We ended up getting back together and things were going really good. I know it sounds really corny, but it's like we feel in love all over again! He proposed to me back in Feb of 2009 and we set a date for our wedding as July 2010. 

    We began the planning process, and selected a venue, purchased my dress and all. We put down deposits for the tuxedos, the bridesmaids purchased their dresses. Everything was falling right in place. The only huge downside was that I was paying for the majority of the wedding costs as I had been saving money for few years. I know that he was uncomfortable about this, but he went with it.  We had decided to do premarital counseling with a pastor that wad referred to us by a family friend. Well the pastor ended up being a total nut job and we both walked away from the sessions terrified! But we talked to our pastor who calmed us a bit. We didn't initially do counseling with our pastor as he is my father and we didn't want there being a conflict of interest. In the middle of the planning process he began a new career in law enforcement and definitely starting changing.The training process was very emotionally taxing for both of us. Well shortly after completing the training process for his new career he told me that he want ready to get married. I was devastated! I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. He kept saying that he loves me and knows that it's me he wants to marry, just not now. I was and still am so confused about what to do. Do I stay and wait or do I walk away. He says that he wants up to postpone getting married because he just isn't ready. He says that he loves me and is sorry for the hurt that this caused. We are still living together and he still refers to me as his fiancé. I love him and want to marry him, but the topic of marriage has now become the elephant in the room. In your opinion, am I wasting time on someone that just doesn't want to marry me??

  • profile image

    Charlotte 6 years ago

    Hello Veronica,

    I'm 26 and my partner is 33. We have been together for a year and I've known since the first month that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

    We work very well together and I know he loves me as much as can be. He's caring, loving, protective, patient, gentle and loyal. I truly believe he is my soulmate.

    I've mentioned marriage now and again and I always get the response 'I don't know yet.' He says he's scared of breaking a promise that he's not sure he can keep by saying, 'Yes.' He says he doesn't want to break my heart if things don't end up working out. Yet his actions speak volumes when discussing the future. We've discussed children and how we would raise them, future living plans and so forth.

    He has also mentioned that sometimes he sees a future with me, and sometimes he doesn't.

    Am I just being impatient and obsessive about this? Do you think I should give him more time or do you think he doesn't believe I truly am 'the one' despite all the love he has for me?

    Thank you!!

  • profile image

    Heather 6 years ago

    Really need an outsiders opinion!!

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 yr 2 mo. Things moved rather quickly in the beginning. He said "i love you" after 2 months, and we moved in together 5 months ago. Right after we moved in together he started talking about marriage. I remember the first night he brought it up because it came as such a shock to me. We had only been dating such a short period, and while the thought crossed my mind I didn't expect to start talking about it so soon. The talk went on for months. He would play with my ring finger, tell me he cannot wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and he wanted me to be his wife. I was thoroughly convinced that he was 'ready' to be married. He was constantly bringing it up, so after a few months and no proposal I finally said to him "I do not want to be mislead if you are not ready please do not keep talking about marriage" and just like that he stopped. Obviously not the answer I was looking for and I was confused to say the least. So I talked to him about it and he told me he isn't "ready". Then I became even more confused...how can you tell someone you love them, talk about marriage everyday for months, and ask them to move in with you but, your not ready? He finally told me that he thinks I put my dog before him and that I "threaten to leave" therefore, he isn’t ready. I explained to him that I am wrong for saying that (only happened 2 times & for good reasons) there was never any meaning behind it I was just angry. Hence, I'm still here!! So a few weeks later we are in Key West and he is going on and on about how amazing I am and he cannot live without me so on and so forth, so I say "if you cannot live without me then what are you waiting for?" He said "i'm not sure you are the one!" omg my heart almost came out of my throat!! He is an amazing, calm, patient and kind person and I couldn’t believe he would say such a thing. So I asked him if he doesn’t know if im the one why is he with me? He said he hopes I am there are things we talked about that he isnt sure of, i.e (me leaving, I put my dog before him) I am at a point now where i dont know what to do. I am not upset because he isnt 'ready' i am upset and hurt because he lead me to believe he was. One minute he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and the next he doesn’t know if I am the one?? I am at a loss and do not know what to do. He said he never meant to mislead me he thought we were on the same page that it would be a few years. Which I don't understand because I told him "when you propose I know what i'll say" He said his feelings for me never changed. I just don't understand how he can bring up marriage, talk about it for 5 months every single day, ask me to move in, but he isn't ready!! Please help! I need advise!

  • profile image

    Not Married With Children 6 years ago

    Veronica,

    I need your help as I just can't see clearly in my situation anymore. but with kids in the picture, it is much more dire that I do.

    My boyfriend and I met around 4 years ago and dated for about a year when I brought up the "where are we going?" conversation with him. At the time he was living at home with his mother (at 39, should have been a big red flag). He did not seem to be interested in even discussing the future with me and we were having issues already with his relationship with him mom, and how much time she took up in our relationship (traditional, widowed Italian mom that doesn't drive and lives alone tends to require alot of her son's attention!). I decided to throw in the flag as it seemed we were just going nowhere, even though I cared about him so much.

    A couple months after I broke it off, we ran into eachother again and "got back together". This getting back together led to me becoming pregnant with twins!

    We ended up staying together and working through our previous struggles and even bought a house together 6 months ago. Well, our twins are 2 years old now and I have tried to have the marraige talk with him numerous times...before the twins were born, and a couple after they were born and on all counts, he replied that he wasn't ready or didn't have the money to buy a ring (which I told him I didn't care about) or yada yada yada. Now, if we didn't have children together, I can honestly say I would have left a long time ago (which is what I did originally, but then slipped up and ended up in this tough spot) because I feel as though I'm being made a fool. But now, we have children and a house and I'm in so deep and don't know what to do. I want us to be a family and I really care for him but what do I do when I don't know how sure he is on all of it? I know he cares for me and maybe loves me, but how much could he really love me if he won't marry after having kids with me? I feel like he's waiting to feel the right feelings before he will propose, and that may never come. He has talked alot lately about wanting to get married, and tells me it will happen, but if that was the case, wouldn't he just make the move? He just recently wen't to a nice jewelry store and bought me a nice watch and a bracelet but sadly I wasn't even impressed. All I could think was, why didn't he just save his money to buy an engagement ring instead of this other stuff I don't need?

    What is going on and what do I do? Do I leave even though we have children? Do I hang on for the sake of the children and wait until he's ready? Is he not ready because he really doesn't love me and so why should we be together anyways?? I just don't know anymore....

    Help!!!

  • profile image

    Sharon 6 years ago

    I see women are making the same exact mistakes repeatedly. Why are you having sex with these men before they commit to you in marriage?

    In today's society, men are not going to be quick to marry women because women are performing wifely duties before they are actually married. As long as you are giving a man what he wants, he is not going to be inclined to marry you. He will then determine you are not wife material or he won't be able to imagine you being his wife because he won't "feel" like he loves you.

    If you want to know a man's true motives, lock yourself down. Do not let him into the "Garden of Eden" until he has married you. No man should be worthy of your body until he marries you. I just don't understand how people spend several years together having sex and making babies and then realize, "Oh this isn't going to work." Great, both of your times have been wasted.

    Men have to be tested. They assume you are going to give them sex and many times they are right. If you give him something to look forward to and leave much to the imagination, you will naturally be able to keep him IF he is a mature man and ready for a commitment. You won't have to keep asking him to get married because he will ask. Instead as women, we get desperate and we want to be able to say the words, "my husband". You aren't looking at if it's the right thing to do. And then if he agrees to marry you, divorce quickly follows.

    Also, women who are in a hurry to marry often overlook great characteristics that should be in a man. Is he financially stable? Is he law abiding? Is he capable of being a leader in the home? How many times has he been married? How many baby mommas does he have? Does he have a spiritual foundation? Unfortunately, these traits go by the wayside when a woman is desperate to marry. She lowers her standards just so she can say she has a husband.

    This has got to stop. You cannot love anyone until you love yourself. You cannot love someone until you get rid of those insecurities. Many times, if a woman is feeling insecure, that's because she probably should be. We have a strong female intuition. If you're going to be insecure, try not to express those insecurities because it will bug the man. Instead, observe his behavior and then you will soon realize, your instincts were right. Or, you will discover that you were wrong. Either way, you'll get your answer.

    And ladies, men often don't like clingy and needy women unless he is clingy and needy himself. At that point, women are turned off.

  • profile image

    denee 6 years ago

    I really enjoy reading your page Veronica, but I'm still confused.

    What if we already have definite plans to buy a house together, we have a bank account together for a long time now (not to save for the wedding, but in general)?

    He still says he is just not ready and doesn't know when he will be ready?? He says, he wants me and wants to be with me, he is not hesitating because he has doubts or anything etc.

    I don't think I understand his logic.

    We are about 3.5 years now. We are forced to live far from each other, which was not always like this, but we will be together again and we do visit each other. If he is ready to commit as far as to buy a house together, what difference does it make getting married.?

    Now that we are so far apart, I just feel like I need his commitment more than ever before.

    I'd greatly appreciate anyone's opinion.

    Thanks

    Denee

  • profile image

    Red 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica

    I found this site last night and I find myself in the same type of situation and would value your opinion.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years he is 33 i am 36, i had just been through a pretty horrible 4yr relationship and breakup and he was so different that we both felt as though we had known each other for ages and fell in love. Within the first 6 months he had mentioned that he wanted to marry me, he had not proposed but the subject had come up and from him. I was surprised but please and I could see myself married to him. We than had a rocky patch I was living in another county and he would not move to me so the only option was for me to move to him, which I did, got a job and we found a house to rent. The problem is that he is now saying that he doesn't want to get married yet or have children yet, he is not ready for either. He wants to become finacially secure, he doesn't like planning, and why can't i be happy just knowing that he loves me and wants to be with me. Are all the reasons (excuses) he gives. Also when we talk about it he gets very defensive and we end up having an arguement.

    I have told him that I want to start trying for a baby as i am 36 an chances are getting lesser every year. Also that I want to get married and spend ours lives together. He also said that he doesn't want to get married in England but in Fiji which is nice but bloody expensive and probably nigh on impossible.

    Now I have had two previous relationship which for one reason or another have been ended by me, but the first one told me once i had decided to leave that he was just about to ask me to marry him, and the second said he had bought the ring to propose and then when we had a row he took it back. Any way what i need to know is do i cut my losses again and run.

    This man is kind, generous, thoughtful, loving, insecure, childish at times, terrible with money, but i do love him. I also know that if i stay and he continues with 'if you just enjoy now and be happy everything will happen and fall into place one day' i will end up resenting him and probably hating him for not allowing me my chance at mother hood. I also know if i go that i could meet mr perfect tomorrow.

    I am in a dilemma as i have invest time and effort to be here with him, i moved down to settle and he is just not hearing me when i tell him that it is getting quite urgent for me to get some thing more solid and an idea of timescale.

    Am I wrong is it callous of me to consider leaving because he doesn't want the same things at the same time, or do i sit it out and wait and not say anything further for fear of presurising him more?

    I want to believe him but my gut is telling me otherwise, but my head is also saying why leave a kind generous loving man, just because you dont want the same things?

    so hope you can shed some of your wisdom on this one

    Thanks Red.

  • RFox profile image

    RFox 6 years ago

    Great hub and advice!

    Yep, guys aren't ready to get married "yet" until they meet the girl of their dreams right after they finish dating you....lol

    Seen it happen to friends of mine.

    And there's nothing wrong with guys who don't want to get married, period. But the guys who take issue with the institution of "marriage" itself are always upfront about their opposition to tradition...there is no "yet" in their vocabulary. These guys are not necessarily commitment-phobes either....just look at Gene Simmons for example.

    Men are usually pretty decisive creatures...terrible communicators, great decision makers.

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 6 years ago from NY

    Mystified,

    You've been dating over 2 years, you're 34, and you've discussed that you both want children and marriage. No, you should not be quiet. Nagging and ultimatums never work, but being very clear about what you want is essential. There are good signs on his part, like selling his house. If he's picking out names for the kids he's thinking about his future. So what's the problem? From what you've shared I'd say it's one of two things. The first being what you said, is he too scarred from his past to really move forward. Or, is he not deeply enough in love with you to marry you.

    You are at a good age, you know what you want, and you're a whole person, ready to be a partner. Don't waste your time with someone that isn't going to be the partner you agreed together you'd both be.

  • profile image

    mystified 6 years ago

    Dear Veronica,

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. I am 34, and he is 40. I have never been married, but he has been married twice before. The first time, he was very young (19) and in the military. He was sent away to war, and when he came back, he found that his wife had been cheating on him. Apparently she was the one who suggested divorce. After this experience, he dated, but he did not make a commitment to another relationship until he was in his early 30s. Although he now says that there were many "warning signs" in the relationship, he remarried b/c he felt that he had run from too many relationships. Again, she was not faithful. (He has stressed that he never cheated.) They tried counseling, but she left him. That was about 3 years before we met.

    As for me, I followed my dream career out of college. I had to move around for various jobs and more schooling, so I was not settled until now. I now own a house and am ready for the "next step" in my life.

    When we met, my boyfriend told me on several occasions that he was not "wasting my time". We both want children, although he brings it up more than I do. We talk about the future (albeit in general terms), and he gets along well with my family. He is even attempting to sell his house in another part of the state to move to my city permanently! (He works from home, so he works from my house for about two weeks a month.) Since he is at my house so often, he contributes to the bills, groceries, etc.

    So what's the problem? When *I* bring up marriage in concrete terms, he says he feels pressured. I don't get it! Granted, both of my siblings were married this past year, and we have discussed how that makes each of us feel. I understand that for a guy, there must be a lot of pressure in that, but he has even picked out names for our future children! I come from a very traditional family, so I'm not willing to be a "baby mama", but if we want kids, it's getting to be late in the game!

    I thought that we had the same wants and goals in life, and I love him dearly, but at this point, do I just keep my mouth shut about getting married? I understand that he has had a rocky past with marriages, but he has said many times that he never wanted either of the divorces. He seems to be embarrassed that he is divorced, and he told me that he wants a "normal family". It's hard for me to not be able to put in my two cents about our future without apparently pressuring him. We had two fights about it in the past couple of weeks. Do I just let him talk about the future while I keep quiet? I really need some guidance here! I'm beginning to worry that he is too scarred from his past to really move forward with our future. Thoughts??

    Thank you.

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 6 years ago from NY

    toria,

    I'm sorry, but I don't see "such conflicting messages" like you want to. To me, he's painfully clear. His saying he's "not sure if you'd work out as a couple for a lifetime" means he doesn't see a future with you. "Not sure" and those qualifying crap lines about gee this could be a mistake, are just for your benefit. His wording is all very reflective of someone very young, way too young to be thinking about marriage. He uses all the classic man-speak, none of it conflicts, it all says he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't see a future with you, but he's too chicken to be honest about his feelings so he's going to keep throwing them out in these immature morsels until you've had enough and done the dirty work for him by leaving.

    Instead of looking at what he said, for clarity look at what he hasn't said. He's not saying he sees a future with you. He's not saying he wants to be with you. He's using the marriage thing, and saying the exact opposite of anyone who wants to build a life with you. And don't include those old fantasy lines of wanting to take care of you. Those are fantasy prince charming lines. Wanting to take care of you, not wanting to build a life with you. Big clear painful difference.

    I'm sorry, but he's not seeing a future with you, and he's communicating clearly for a very immature chicken shit.

  • profile image

    toria 6 years ago

    Dear Veronica,

    I've been with my boyfriend for over 5years now since university, and I thought things were going pretty well. I was so surprised when he told me a few days ago that he didn't see himself getting married to me, since he wasn't even sure if he wanted to be married.

    When we first started dating, he told me that he doesn't get what marriage is about, but if he did ever decide to get married, it would be me.

    Throughout the years, he keeps telling me that he always wants to be there to take care of me, and that I was the one for him.

    The only changes that have happened recently are that we both started working in permanent jobs since July, and have occasionally discussed some vague plans of investments, property, and long term goals.

    Obviously his statement just knocked the wind out of me. I didn't ask him for any marriage proposal or hint at an engagement. In fact, I would be alright if we didn't even get married but just stayed together (though I never told him this).

    So, I asked him to clarify what he meant by that, and if he thought that there was something missing in our relationship that would cause him to doubt our sustainability as a couple.

    He said he's not sure that he even wants to get married in the future, and that he's worried that I'd be wasting my time with him. He says that if we do get married, that he knows for sure that we'd be great together as a team, and I'm perfect for him, but he's not sure if we'd work out as a couple for a lifetime.

    I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship, and he said he was confused, and wasn't even sure if this was the biggest mistake he'd be making.

    He's sending out such conflicting messages, and I really don't know what to think.

    Could you please help me figure out what it is that he wants? You've left such helpful comments for past readers. It would be great if I could have some 3rd party thoughts.

    Thank you.

  • profile image

    Sara  6 years ago

    I forgot to say thank you for your time and your wisdom on here.

  • profile image

    Sara  6 years ago

    Hi Veronica. Reading this was enlightening. First of, I'm Indian. Most have become modernized in my culture and he seemed to be modern. Turns out he's super traditional in some respects. While I believe in girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, he only sees partying and then getting into a really serious relationship and marriage. Since I'm a makeup artist, he initially thought I was JUST a pretty face. However, I'm extremely independent and hard working in my career choice too. I thought he was more modern bc in other ways he really is: he lets his sisters do what they want, he admired my independence and that I ignored him at first, etc. HE came closer and he started to leave his friends but then did a 180 and talked about having no regrets. He had started to ditch his friends, stopped drinking (drowning them) when he went out, and always felt inadequate as far as his career is concerned. HE's not financially in a position to support me and I never thought along those lines, but he always tried to impress me not knowing I was just as competitive. It really touched me. In fact, he plans to go to graduate school and he needs to finish a super tough exam to get there. He would always feel insecure about his exam bc I had already finished my exams and everything.

    In his need to have "no regrets" he blocked of all contact, and partied like crazy. In fact, he partied in a way I don't think is possible nor ever discussed in all his life. It felt like he was compensating for all the monthes he was good. I was scared there was another girl. That's also when I found out about his exams and everything. I admitted my feelings and he tried to approach me but when I finally gave him a chance, he slowly walked up to me and then RAN AWAY. On graduation, he hugged me goodbye. He stares at me endlessly but neither of us are willing to talk because in a way, I feel like we both KNOW. I know he needs time to reach his goals, to get it all out of his system (partying, ugh-women, drinking), and to have a finanical base secured.

    Until I met him, I didn't know what I want other than flings here and there. I wish with all my heart it was time. I've never had someone care so protectively and beautifully. I feel like he just understood himself and us. I don't want to rule him out as an option for a future but must I? He never unblocked me from his social networks but even so, when I see him, and as it has always been, he has never given any other girl attention the way he did to me. Even when girls would openly flirt in front of me, he just ignored them and would come by me. Even after the "no regrets" thing at group settings, he would just stare at me and my group, not that he would realize it.

    We are young but men don't usually mature until their 30s and thats a while away. Still, he felt like a guy that was bridging both worlds. I don't know where I stand or what I am or if I'm just being hopeful and ignoring tell-tale signs. AllI know is, I finally know what kind of things to look for, or atleast starting to. I'm so thankful for this but I don't want to re-initiate contact unless it's time. He cared in a way so unique and beautiful that I could not stand the pain if it were nto to work out. Besides, I still need to learn A LOT MORE ABOUT MYSELF. :)

  • profile image

    Waterlily-momof2 7 years ago

    Thanks Veronica!

    I do agree with you, but I do need some counseling done due to more than 6 years of verbal and emotional abuse by my family.

    As far as my boyfriend is concern, I am giving him last chance, since his outburst rarely happens.

    Before I get a job, I am hoping that I have had enough counseling done to get my self-esteem back and to deal with PTSD. My self-esteem is so low that I hesitate about going to public places.

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Waterlily,

    Looking into getting a counsellor and looking into your options like a homeless shelter are smart things to do. This is not a healthy situation. If he goest to that place in his mind of "get out" then he is not demonstrating an ability to build a future. It's the way a child would argue, not the way a committed adult would. Overall though, your going from your parents home to his home is a big mistake. You can't be a good partner until you can be a good You. It doesn't sound like you are independent. Even at the onset of your comment, saying you were thinking about suicide when he came along. No one should be in the position of having to rescue you. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but that's the feeling of that kind of responsibility. The healthiest, smartest thing you can do is stop putting effort into being part of a couple. Begin instead the remarkable path of self esteem and independence. Figure out how to find a real job and rent a room on your own. Make your own life, your own money, your own happiness. Don't be dependent on anyone else to provide stability and a life for you. It only perpetuates your being a victim. Stop the cycle.

  • profile image

    Waterlily-momof2 7 years ago

    Veronica,

    I can really use your advice.

  • profile image

    Waterlily-momof2 7 years ago

    Hi, I really need advice. When I first met my boyfriend 6 years ago, I was actually contemplating suicide because of my living situation and my verbally and emotionally abusive family. At that time, I divorced my ex and really needed some confidence and he showed up at my aunts coffee shop. He didn't have guts to ask me out, but came to the coffe shop regularly and hoping that one day he will have enough guts to ask me out. Well, one day a gym trainer offered to help me work out for free, but never showed up. But, I took a chance on my boyfriend to take a walk with me that day and we hit it up. After about six months to a year, he told me that I was the one that he was waiting for after a terrifying divorce more than 40years a go. His ex who started to use drugs used meanest lawyer and took everythig from him. He was bankrupt after his ex was through with him. In the beginning, he constanly reminded that I had to face the reality that one cannot predict the future of the relationship. After three years later I pressed the question and he told me of course he will marry me when he is ready. Last year, he got me a temporary engagement ring, but told me that he wants a surprise engagement in the future, so not to press him. It's fraustrating because at least once a year, when we do get into a stupid arguement, he tells me that he can't do this anymore and that we need to end the relationship. Few months ago, I got enough courage to get out of my parents'(last of my child finally graduated, but both my children wants to live with their grandparents) home and moved in to my boyfriend,s home. Today, we got into a little arguement over a day trading(stock market we are about to venture into). We were on the two different page and I tried to tell him this, but he got fraustrated. He basically told me to pack up because of this 5 minute arguement. I really don't want to go back to my family, who totally ignores me and wants me to stay in one room with my two dogs(one dog was given to my daughter by her boyfriend 4 years ago, another dog my dad brought home about 3.5 years ago because a lady did not want her dog to be couped up inside her car while she worked-neither wants to take care of the dogs, so two dogs ended up with me and my boyfriends who now has the ownership) I think my heart just fell to pieces because I just found out yesterday that for his security code for online trading company, he put down that he met his spouse or significant others as where he met his ex wife whom he have not seen or talked to in 40years. Of course I got mad and asked him about this and he said he really did not think, but just filled out the question and did not have time to read througly and there was no thought put into it. Maybe I am thinking this too hard, but my gut feeling says he did not move on after 4 years of divorce. I really thought that we were going to build a future together because on the business planner, we've also set goals like getting married and getting a home for us. His past relationship did not last more than a year or two, but ours are lasted 6 years. I would never tell him that I want to end the relationship because I cannot have an occasion arguement with him because he can't take the stress of being in a relationship. I've invested too much time and effort and I love him. I admit I have PTSD and fear people and can't trust other people as well and he dealt with my PTSD for 6 years, but I am sort of tired of him using the pack up and get out language because I can't diagree at least once a year. We did talk through and I did remind him that although I will not go back to my abusive family, I will have to goto homeless shelter. I also told him that I would need to have my two dogs get adopted before I leave his place because the homeless shelter doesn't allow dogs. I will be looking into the homeless help shelter just in case because I am just tired of the say and don't care what comes out of my mouth attitude. I also talked more and told him that we will give 2 months of working simulated stock trading and if any other arguement comes up then we should not work together when we actually start the stock trding business and I would only be taking care of the booking and reception work. I think it is time we get couple cournseling, so he agrees and I will be looking for counselors. More over, I did tell him that I don't want hime to tell me to walk out the door because I will never look back and I will never come back and that it's over. Am I doing the right thing?

  • profile image

    Jules 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    Thanks again for your advice. I realize that I was a bit vague in describing my situation. I should add that my boyfriend has expressed to me (from the beginning) that he would like to get married within the next five years. However, he has never said that he would like to be married to me. I talked with him today about my time frame and he responded positively. He said that he has no interest in dating me for several years without marriage and that he would not be with me today if he didn't picture marriage with me. He says he just needs more time. I think that is my answer and I'm trying not to over think it. I feel good about expressing my time frame to him. I told him that I want to be engaged or married in the next 2-3 years. I told him that I do not want to pressure him and that I understand if he cannot meet those needs, but that I choose to maintain my goals for marriage. I really would like to share my future with a partner and I'd love to be able to make plans together. He said that he shares my goals about marriage. I hope that our paths can run together in the future. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Thank you Jules.

    There is no trick or magical thing you can say or do to get someone to love you, or marry you if he doesn't want to. However there are lots of things you can do to help show him things in different light. You can help him to clarify his thoughts and feelings, even if by that clarification he sees clearly that he is not ready, or not sure.

    He may be truly in love with you, but that doesn't make him ready for marriage. It also doesn't mean he believes in marriage for himself. You could be the love of his life, but that doesn't automatically mean he wants to get married. There's no contradiction in that. But it may change your feelings about wanting to spend your life with him.

    I really don't know from what you've shared where his life's journey is leading him. You can certainly do some things that might help him clarify how he feels about marriage, and when. Clearly, and non-judgingly sharing your life's goals and plans with him and your time frames on the things you want, will surely help. You both deserve to have the time to figure out what it is you want, and you both deserve to be happy. It would be very cool if it works out that your paths will run together. Best to you.

  • profile image

    Jules 7 years ago

    Veronica, Thank you so much for answering my question. I actually got the idea to specify my time frame from the hub that you directed me to. I found that very helpful. I definitely don't want to come across as a nag or to pressure my boyfriend to marry me. That is not the sort of commitment that I'd feel happy with or that I would believe is lasting. I really appreciate your advice. My confusion, I guess, was in the fact that my boyfriend says I am the "best girl," but is still unsure if I'm "the one." These things seem to contradict themselves. Your answer has given me hope. I was feeling really down about things and it was so nice to hear an optimistic opinion. Thank you again. You are very skilled at dealing with people and their questions. You have the ability to be very honest while also caring and compassionate. I wish you the best. - Jules

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Jules,

    Please read this Hub of mine, I really think it will help -

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Difference-...

    It's a good idea to express a time frame to him, meaning a clear idea of what you are going to do in your life and what your path and goals are. It is not however a good idea at all to give an ultimatum, or to be a nag.

    While you have every right to be happy and to have what you want, your boyfriend has every right to want to be ready before committing the rest of his life. Nothing you've expressed about what he's saying is unclear to me, and nothing is a mixed signal, so I'm not sure where your getting mixed signals from. Everything you've relayed that he's said is very clear, very timely and nothing contradicts. It sounds like he's very into you, you're the one, and he's not ready to get married yet. That's normal, healthy, and honest.

  • profile image

    Jules 7 years ago

    Veronica,

    Your advice is honest and very helpful. I also stumbled upon this page in a google search. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend of 1.5 years last night about marriage and it was difficult and somewhat confusing. I am 29 and he is 30. We have lived together now for a year and I have been very happy. He says that he is also happy and that he loves me very much. He told me last night that I am the most promising person he's ever dated (in terms of marriage) but that he is still unsure whether I am "the one." A little history: He and I knew each other for about 5 years before we dated, as acquaintances. He would flirt with me and ask me out frequently during this time but I always had a boyfriend and/or wasn't interested. When we finally did start to date he told me that I am the girl of his dreams and that he had been in love with me from afar for five years. Our relationship has grown and strengthened and I could see myself marrying him. Marriage is something I'd like to happen for me in the next few years. My boyfriends tells me that I am the best girl he could imagine being with and that he does not want anyone else. However, he is still unsure. I am confused and feel that his signals are mixed. I am unsure how to deal with this. I have read several posts and have determined that I should tell him my time frame in terms of marriage and let him know that if he feels differently then we are just not on the same page. Thank you very much for you advice!~

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    chasingsparrows,

    I've moved your comment to here -

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/When-All-You-Wa...

    and responded to your situation in your very own Hub. I hope you will read it.

    xo

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Margerite,

    It sounds like you've worked hard to build something together, including working on yourself if you indeed had some "feisty" issues that were affecting your ability to be a partner. He is saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but what do his actions say? Actions can speak louder than words in these situations. You've been living together for a year. Has he been saving toward the wedding? Cutting down on some expenses saving for the future? Have you and he put both your names on anything together. What signs is he giving you that you are a big part of his future?

    If the answer is none, then maybe it is time to move on. If he's not doing anything to show you after 5 1/2 years, at the age of 32, that he isn't building his future to include you, then it isn't.

  • profile image

    Margerite 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I am in the same situation, I am 37 years old, and my boyfriend of 5 years and 6 months is 32. At the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of fights, we had cultural differences, I am from south america, he is from California. For the first 2 years I worked hard on myself, to change my feisty reactions to certain situations. The last 3 years have been much better, we have improved so much! we spent our free time together. We moved in together one year ago. I have been bringing up the marriage subject for over 2 years and every time I he has the same answer for me:" I am not ready, I love you so much, you are the most important person in my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am not ready yet, and I don't know when I will be" I love him so much, and I think our relationship is great, but I am thinking that is time to move on, I told him this, and his answer is that he loves me and that he doesn't want me to move out. I need your opinion. Thank you

  • profile image

    Snoppins 7 years ago

    Veronica thank you so much for replying to me. I am still stuck in the situation but will not tolerate it much longer. I told him I was moving out because I've given him so much time but we have not moved forward with our relationship. He was very upset and told me he has messed up a lot and that he is a messed up person for not thinking everything we have is enough for him. He says he does not want to lose me. He says he wants to be with me and that he wants to marry me but isn't sure why he resists. Even though he says we are not in a relationship he has shown through many actions that he may be building a life for us together.. buying the home, the dogs, how he loves my friends and family, and our plans for the future being very much the same.

    I have started looking for new places but my friends and family do not know about this situation. We were already apart for last summer (see my previous posts here for details) and so I feel if we split again and I move out that is the final thing and he will never get another chance with me. I don't know how to help him.

    I am thinking of giving him a deadline of one week but I don't want it to sound like an ultimatum but time is important since most housing leases start in September. I love him and if he can decide that we are building a life together I could give him the chance to do that..but the problem is he is not choosing either way and when I say enough is enough I am getting out of this.. he pulls me back into this weird relationship limbo again. When I say ok let's be together and plan our future he resists it. He also is frustrated and wants out of limbo but he can't decide.

    If I were trying to get married, I know I would need to move on. But I think my goal is happiness.. and when I think of him, he is my best friend, we have a great home that I would not be able to afford this standard of living on my own, and the dogs that I am completely in love with I could not have, and how he's a great companion and fits in well with my friends and family.. these are all things that make me happy and are hard to lose. I am very happy in other aspects of my life, work and friends things are going very well. I just want to solve this lovelife problem.

    Veronica he doesn't say he doesn't want a relationship with me, he says he does want it. But he can't. What is going on?

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Heather,

    Honestly I'm quite interested in your situation! He's saying some pretty severe and sure things. You said he's never discussed marriage as if it will happen, but some days wants to rush to Vegas? I'm not understanding. Would you please send me and email through my profile on here. Give me all the details, plus your ages and how long you're together. I would love to write a hub on your situation. Thanks!

  • profile image

    Heather 7 years ago

    Veronica,

    What if a man tells you, some days he can't get to the altar fast enough, some days he wants to rush to Vegas and get married. Other times he is unsure and feels that it might not work out because of my negative attitude. He never talks about the future, or his feelings. Is it worth working on my attitude or is he making excuses? He says things like "the best is yet to come" and "I want you around for a long time," but he's never discussed marriage as if it's going to happen. HELP? Should I leave? You give such great advice, I'm hoping you can help me too!

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Snoppins,

    I think his saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, for whatever reason he adds especially something as lame as until he knows for sure, and referring to you as his roommate, are really very painfully clear signs that he is not into you, and not planning a future with you. He had to promise to be nice to you? You're right - this is a really bad situation that you need to leave. And I really hope you will take some time to be you, and not get into another paved out according-to-plan relationship. Instead of looking for the guy that fits your plan, try looking for a guy who actually loves you and wants to be with you. Best of luck to you.

  • profile image

    Snoppins 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I am a huge fan of yours and hope that you will reply about my situation. I wrote a lot of details in your comments here about 2 months ago but I have more to add now. I had a discussion with my boyfriend and he told me that we are not together and since we broke up a year ago we had not gotten back together. This made me very upset. We live together, act like a couple and are parents to two dogs. I told him I was moving out then, he was being cold and distant again and I was fed up. Then he says how he doesn't want me to leave, he likes living with me, he wants to keep trying if I will also. He promised to be nice to me and he has been for the past few weeks very sweet. I have a wall up around my feelings though because there's no commitment. He said he does not want to be in a relationship with me until he knows that this is for real and we are on the path to marriage.

    But I know he has said all along he will not think of getting married before grad school is done which is in 2 yrs. We will be about 28 then and I told him then we won't be married until 30 because I want 1 to 2 years to be engaged and prepare the wedding. He said no he would 28 and half because he wants to be engaged half year only. I explained that is unrealistic and he said that he won't wait til after grad school to consider marriage. He said that when he is done with finishing the basement he will consider it, and he said that will be less than a year.

    I am happy with that, but it bothers me a lot that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now in the meantime. We both have things to improve about ourselves. One of the things I want from him is commitment but he said something to me the other day and referred to me as his roommate! Maybe I am too sensitive but without that verbal agreement of us as a couple that did make me mad. My friends do not know we aren't officially together, I feel like I am living a lie in his home taking care of the dogs and doing chores and satisfying him in various ways and not even have him recognize me as his girlfriend now.

    What should I say to him without being too pushy or is this a real bad situation that i need to leave? I love him and our life together.

  • profile image

    claire 7 years ago

    Hi, my boyfriend or just now ex is 41. we dated for 6 months in total though by distance for the first 4. he had a terrible first marriage where his wife cheated on him. For the 10 years after he was closed up emotionally, met and dated some great women for about a year each but thought he never wanted to get married again. he reminisces about how he is sad he lost such great women because he was closed up since his divorce. 10 years later he finally told his family that he felt ready again, he was 39 and wanted a family. he then met a nice girl and fell head over heels for her immediately just like he did for his wife they dated for 7 months and he said he would have married her immediately. This girl however was still in love with her ex and after her ex chased her back she ran off with her ex and ended up breaking his heart all over again. He had been a mess "in hell" for 7 months after and dating and messing around with women he didn't care about until he met me. he broke all the ties with all the women and told everyone he wanted to do this with me. I moved country to be with him (although I had wanted to move there anyway, so i told him to not put pressure on that my move was about me and my life). we started spending every day together and for the first month it was wonderful, he treated me perfectly and is so physically loving and affectionate and everything in our relationship was great, except i think he only once ever called me his girlfriend and could never bring himself to tell me he loved me. He told me he knows he does want to get married and have children and he doesn't want anymore failed relationships or to get hurt anymore and he wants this with the next woman he fully opens his heart too. the problem is that i could tell he wasn't properly healed from his ex as he talked about her a lot and i could see his pain when he spoke about her. I also in the 2nd month started to tell that he didn't express for me the love the same way he did for her, he was holding back although in every other way he was amazing and loving and affectionate. eventually there was an opportunity for him to see her again and he said he thought he should do it just because seeing her now 1 year on still with this other guy might help him to completely move on and might help our relationship. i let him go there and he didn't contact me for 3 days when he saw her and then went back to himself being all sweet again to me. When he returned he was so loving and affectionate towards me, i felt a big change in him for the better, although still no words of real commitment. we had a wonderful week and then he took me out to an amazing restaurant and we started having a wonderful evening holding hands as usual and talking about stuff to do next week. Then we brought up his trip for the first time, i'd avoided it because of the wonderful week we'd had. He said the problem was everything but the girl. He said he felt nothing for her, nothing at all, but the problem was that he remembered how he felt when he was with her and he doesn't get that same feeling with me, he knew straight away he wanted to marry her and how we would do anything for her and he said he thinks i'm so much more amazing and with more substance than her or his ex wife, and he just doesn"t understand why he's holding back with me. He said if it had been me he met at that time when he was ready and open and not her, he knows we would be married by now. He said is so scared to let me go because he thinks i am perfect and knows he won't find anyone better, but he feels like he is still emotionally unavailable and doesn't want to do to me what he did to all those other girls after his divorce and date me for ages to find nothing changes. So we broke up and when we hugged we both cried and he his last words were "i'm making a big mistake". He texted me the next day just to apologise and to say that even though i probably hate him, he still cares and that he is so disappointed in himself. I replied saying i don't hate him and that he needs the care right now and not I and that i understand that it must be difficult to be in an emotionally confused place. I said that i hope he chooses very carefully the next time he chooses who to open his heart to and that I will always be here for him as a friend. The problem is that I am finding it so hard to believe it is over because of how confused he was and how sudden the break up was during such a nice evening.i haven't spoken with him since and it's been a week, i;ve moved my stuff out of his house. i just believe in my gut that we will try again sometime, i just don't know when and it is making it very hard to move on in the meantime

  • profile image

    shannon 7 years ago

    I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and my boyfriend doesn't know when we'll live together and get married. I'm about to start university for a 4 year program and have asked him where we'll be in 4 years, and he commented that he didn't know where he would be in 4 years. Any suggestions? Should I let him go or maintain relationship while I attend school?

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Hurt,

    There's a whole system of things I look for in each situation before offering my take. All of the ones I can see in your situation are bad. If he was saying "I don't know" but his actions were telling a different story that would be very meaningful. But his actions further confirm that he is not building his future with yours. Things like, if he says you're the one you might as well be engaged, is not an honest "I want to share my real feelings with you and I need you to listen" kind of partner share. It's an excuse. So is not staying over or living together and saying it ruins the newness of marriage. Unless he was tragically religious, that's really a put off.

    Without knowing your ages I'm limited, but from what you've described I am assuming neither of you are terribly young, which solidifies my answer.

    You are not being too pushy. 2.5 years in your case is time enough to see some serious signs and steps toward what he really intends. And you are seeing them, and they all say, "No. Not you." Your plan to break up is the smart one. Feeling put down, sad, hurt, etc, is absolutely no way to live and there's no reason for it.

    End this. Close this door so new ones can open for you. Namaste.

  • profile image

    Hurt & Tired of Waiting 7 years ago

    Veronica:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. He is extremely bright but is losing at his profession (poker + trading) and has made those two things his main focus for the past year and a half. I know that money is an issue, but I'm heartbroken about his inability to give me a verbal commitment. For instance, I ask him when he thinks he wants to get married and he bluntly says "I don't know." I ask if he wants to marry me someday and he also says he doesn't know. I have told him for over a year that he is the one I want to marry, but he hasn't said it back to me.

    He says that, if he tells me I'm "the one," it will basically be like proposing and we may as well be engaged. I have explained to him that I feel otherwise, that I just want to know if he wants me to be the person he marries. He says he wants to "be with me for a very long time" but right this moment, he doesn't want to get married.

    I am planning on breaking up with him. I feel put down, dejected, sad, hurt and like he should know by now. I am also a strong Catholic who never wanted to move in before marriage until now. I live in a fairly expensive apartment complex, but in an unsafe area, so I feel unsafe at times. I want someone to live with me so I don't have to spend all my nights (except the wknds) alone. He says he doesn't believe in it (he's not even religious anyways) because it "ruins the newness at marriage." I trust him, but I feel like if he really loved me, he would be much more eager to advance our relationship - either by committing to marriage, talking about the future or atleast considering moving in.

    What do you think? Am I being too "pushy"? Is 2.5 years not enough time for a man to know? Our relationship was strong, or so I thought. I hate to throw it away, but I can't continue on feeling so disappointed and hurt. I'm not a dramatic type, but it seems like he should at least be able to know and be able to tell me by now.

    Thanks for any thoughts you can give me.

  • profile image

    happy about decision 7 years ago

    I'm so glad that I stumbled upon this article. It feels good to finally hear stories from women in situations similar to mine. Everything else I've found related to this topic is either: "Girls are obsessed with marriage because of Barbie dolls" or "I'm 18 and have only been with my boyfriend for one month, but he's not ready to get married."

    I'm 25. My boyfriend just turned 24. He's about a year and a half younger than me, which you wouldn't think would be such a huge difference on the maturity-meter, but guess again.

    We've been together for about four years, and almost two years ago, we moved in together. We had talked about marriage before I had moved up here. (Previously we had lived about 2 and then 4 hours apart.) I thought that a proposal would come within the year, but it didn't.

    Most of my friends are married, and most of them had whirlwind romances with spontaneous, romantic proposals. None of his friends are married or even in committed relationships.

    I know he wants to get married, but he isn't where he wants to be in his career. Neither of us makes a ton of money, but we do alright. He's just the kind of guy who wants everything to be a certain way. The wait just seems ludicrous to me, and is turning me into the kind of girl who is obsessed with marriage! I'm not that kind of girl. The funny thing is, when we first started dating, he was the one pressuring me to commit.

    It's just been hard for me to accept that, just because I've reached a place in my life where this is the next step, it doesn't mean that he has. Obviously, I want this to be something that we're both ready for when it happens.

    I decided a month ago to move into my own place. He seemed hurt by it, but I know I'm making the right decision. I told him that I didn't want to live together anymore if we weren't engaged. Ultimatums are nasty, but sometimes they have to be made. I told him that I didn't want to force him into marriage. Girls that do that are disgusting to me. I can't see how that would make a healthy marriage. I also can't see waiting around anymore and making the sacrifices I've made. (I make a longer commute to work than he does. I also moved away from my family and friends, when his family lives 15 minutes away.) I think it will also be good for him to live on his own for a while and learn to do things for himself.

    I think we may have rushed into the whole cohabitation thing and that this will be a fresh start for our relationship once the pressure to get married is taken off of both of us.

  • profile image

    unsure 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    I wrote 8 weeks ago regarding my partner admitting that he wanted to wait another 5 years or so before even considering marriage and I was concerned that perhaps what he was really saying was that I wasnt the one, do you have any advice for me?

    Many Thanks

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Seriously? Really?

    You are not alone. I so wish I had a magic answer for you, but I don't. What you have now you say is a great relationship with lots of love. But what you want, you say, is that marriage-commitment. I'm sure you've thought this through. If you leave, you may not find another you love like you love this man. And if you stay, you may really grow to resent him.

    Is there any compromise in the middle that the two of you could live with? Having a commitment ceremony without the legal papers? Having a courthouse wedding so you're legally married but without the wedding and hoopla?

    I can give you a piece factual advice though. Without being sure that this is the path you're going to stay on and sacrifice getting married, please be very very careful about the joint finances and co-ownership of a house without marriage; that will not end well if/when this relationship ends. The law will not be on your side.

  • profile image

    Seriously? Really? 7 years ago

    Long story short-

    I know i want marriage someday- he doesnt. Completly in love, discussed planning for the future/ buying a house together, joint account to save for the down payment. Love him whole heartedly, but i know i want marriage someday in the near future. Clearly not an option. Do I end it? Or try and live with never getting married (dont think thats an option for me), or continue on with this great relationship that now has an 'experation date' attached to it?

  • profile image

    lauren 7 years ago

    Hi , I am having trouble. My boyfriend of two years was so into the idea of marriage we bought our rings together and everything. Then one day after we looked at some apartments together he tells me he isn't ready to get married. He told me he thought he was but after thinking he decided he's not ready. I love him and I am willing to wait until he is ready. He tells me he knows he wants to be with me but he would rather wait until we both have better jobs and finances to have a better life together. I know this is a legitimate argument but i worry he isn't as serious as i thought he was. Do you think this is the case and he just doesn't want to hurt me, or do you think he means well?

  • profile image

    KelleyCampbell 7 years ago

    Ugggh, my last sentence was supposed to say 6 WEEKS... not months!

  • profile image

    KelleyCampbell 7 years ago

    Veronica,

    I wanted to add to my earlier post, that when I brought up the topic of marriage, he didn't say a whole lot other than he wasn't ready yet. he didn't run from the conversation either, in fact, I left the room at one point and he followed. Still not saying anything, but he sat next to me, holding my hand. He didn't look afraid or bothered by the conversation, just said that he wasn't ready and that we'd only become close over the last 6 months or so.

  • profile image

    KelleyCampbell 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    I'll try to make this short. My boyfriend and I got off to a very slow start. It took almost a year before we said I love you. (I said it first) It took over a year before he asked me to move in. He avoided a lot of intimate talk because he was afraid. He admits this now, that he was afraid to let the relationship get serious, and even gets teary-eyed when he talks about it. He admits that he wasn't willing to let anyone in and that it took my persistence and care to get him to do so. He also says that would have been the case no matter who it was, he just would not have pursued a relationship.

    Several months ago, I brought up marriage. He said he wasn't ready to take the relationship to that level yet. I thought about ending the relationship then, but I remembered how long it took us to reach any stage in our relationship. (We dated for a year and a half before he ever called me during the work day... odd stuff like that) and I decided to give it a little more time. He also said at that point that he really only felt like we'd gotten close over the last 6 weeks or so. That was true as well.

    Since I brought up marriage, he has opened up a lot more. He's telling me stories from his childhood, talking about how he feels on certain issues, and we're just doing a lot of connecting. He's even more open with us spending time with his friends. He's never tried to keep me away from them and he introduced me to his close circle early on, but now he's almost looking for opportunities to spend time with them. Signs seem good. A few days after I brought up marriage, we were at my parent's house and I was ready to leave, he wanted to stay referencing the fact that he's trying to build a relationship with my dad.

    There's not much talk about the future, but he doesn't really mention the future in general, even his own. I do notice though, that everything is "we and our house." (I do live with him.) However, we don't "share" bank accounts or anything. We split the bills, but have separate accounts.

    How do I know whether to wait or not? I read articles like this and think, Yea, I should be getting out of this and moving on with my life... but then, I remember that he's sorta right in the fact that it took almost 2 years before we started opening up to each other.

  • profile image

    Snoppins 7 years ago

    Veronica, I still feel so confused. I've given this a lot of thought. My boyfriend's actions: buying a home, adopting the dogs, and lately he just paid off his car and is telling me he puts hundreds in the savings every month. I asked if we should have a joint account. He asked me what for and that we could if I wanted but he takes care of finances, mortgage and bills and I transfer rent to him so our system is simple and works well. These should all be good signs but I feel that he is not necessarily doing these things for us or our future. A lot of my friends are getting engaged now and he has told me he felt jealous and he wants to be married too. He also commented on how one of my friends is so lucky to have a good relationship. I asked him "don't you have a good relationship?" and he answered with "I don't know" and we went to sleep.

    I find him very attractive, he has a great job and gets along very well with my friends and family. Everything is nearly perfect, which is more than I could hope for. Lately he has been saying that I am always right and he is wrong, he throws little fits. He acts as if I can't be reasoned with. He is defensive and sometimes easily offended by what I consider innocent questions or casual conversations we have and he cannot explain why he's offended. I know we are both arrogant and a bit stubborn. He told me that I am not spoiled but I have a big sense of self entitlement, that I think I deserve things without working for them.

    He loves me but thinks I am too lazy. I think part of it is because he wants me to lose some weight too. These are all things I would like to improve about myself but it makes it harder when he acts negative when I thrive more on positive reinforcements as I think any living creature does. If I talk about marriage he tells me I better find a man who will marry me. I feel very confused and quite hopeless sometimes. His actions show me this could be going in the right direction but his remarks and attitude are of rejection to me.

    I think it is clear to me that he wants me to improve in order to consider a lifelong commitment. I'm having a hard time, I work hard and long hours and still struggle with money. I have been getting better at chores but I think he still considers me as a lazy person. I do want to be better and to make everything right with us but a part of me feels it is so impossible and wishes he could love me for me as I am or is that taking the lazy easy way out? You have described what a man's actions are to show he is ready to be an adult and for a more serious commitment, what do you think for a woman's? I think I need to take baby steps and work my way up, that way it won't feel as intimidating but I don't think he recognizes small steps. He expects that I need to transform drastically to suit him! That type of thinking really sets me back and makes me feel bad.

  • profile image

    Snoppins 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I've been reading your hubs for the past couple months. Great material! I'm curious about your opinion on my situation as well. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26. We live in a condo that he has owned for over a year, I pay him rent and we have 2 dogs. We rented an apartment together for about a year before that. I am always confused about us and often have this on the fence feeling. We have been together for 3 years, the beginning of last summer he broke up with me and I found another place to live and I continued to see him often in hopes of mending our relationship. I moved back in with him at the end of the summer but he seems to go back and forth with what our relationship status is, sometimes saying we are friends sometimes calling me his girlfriend.

    We have had many discussions regarding the break up. At first he told me he needed to be alone, that he was not a good person and that he wants to fix himself. He was also very burdened by an alcoholic mother, that he said he had already mourned the loss of because she was no longer the same person. His father works overseas so he has to care for his mother when she gets in trouble.

    He kept telling me he needed to be alone but we saw each other a lot and intimately throughout the summer. I learned that there was another girl, an ex, he was hoping to date and he explained to me it's just a distraction because he did not want a relationship at all, I was furious and frustrated. Nothing came of them. When we talked more of the future I was hopeful. We are friends with a couple that broke up for months and now engaged. He agreed with me that many couples go through this. He insisted he did not want a relationship when I pressed him. We were doing everything we used to so I felt like he was taking away a part of my dignity by not ackowledging the relationship. I felt badly for him and felt he would become better so I kept being patient and forgiving him.

    That summer he told me he did want to marry me but could not be with me at the time. Later on he tells me that he felt he could not fulfill my demands. When we had talked before about marriage, which we both desire, he told me wanted to marry after grad school and at almost 30. He wanted a very short engagement and then to immediately have children. I told him I wanted to be engaged for 2 years and married for atleast 1 yr before having children. I wanted children at late twenties or now that I am older i am thinking more towards 30. This was just us talking about our wishes not planning out our lives, plus I felt our goals did match up I just did a little urging that perhaps marriage by 30 should have consideration of an engagement a few yrs beforehand and not wait til the last minute and rush everything just before having kids. Anyway near the end of that summer he ended up blaming the break up on me having an idealized schedule for these things to happen and he said he felt ignored and that he couldn't do what made me happy. The story had changed from it being him needing to be alone to fix himself being a bad person to me being too demanding and him not able to meet my needs. I know maybe him thinking about the issues may have made him realize this and both couldve been true. It may have taken a while for him to articulate his thoughts but I felt blamed and that he had changed his escuse to make me seem like the bad guy.

    Regardless of all that we loved each other, the arguments and issues we had over that summer sparked more passion between us and I moved back in. I had wanted a dog my whole life and as soon as he bought his home I begun an enthusiastic campaign but he wasn't ready. Soon after I moved back in he found my dream dog and we adopted him. I was surprised and always thought getting a dog took months of saving up and

    preparing, he felt ready and wanted the exact type of dog I described wanting (his favorite is a different breed). We both love this dog so much and refer to each other as mommy and daddy. He has impressed me with his training and care of our dog and we work together raising this pup. I think he got him for me but too stubborn to have it be anything but his own idea. I wanted a 2nd one, I also mentioned this in front of his friend and my boyfriend glared at me and was mad because we already have one dog and now I want another one. I showed him a photo of a cute dog online only a few months later and he insisted we meet him and get him! I was astonished, I was not ready for a 2nd one so soon. Our first was well trained at this point but not perfect yet, needlessto say we met the new one and fell in love. I started to notice a pattern here. I thought buying a home took years of saving, searching, etc but he found a great one and got it. The dogs, got them so quickly. Maybe marriage will happen without me fretting and wanting things all planned out. I know he wants to do things because he wants them, never because of me. Well now I am nearing 26 so I do wonder if I am wasting time or just not worry and things will happen to my delight.

    And through further conversations I find out that he is cold and rude to me when we get too serious. He says he doesn't want to marry me as I am because I am lazy and don't follow through with things I say I want to do. He thinks i need to improve. I agree but he isn't perfect either and I forgive his flaws. We almost broke up again during this, he wanted me to try to change. I didn't know if I could be who he wanted and wished he would love me for me. He told me he was willing to try if I did. At that point I was upset at the way he treated me. He said it was harder to live with me than without, I didn't help out enough. I pointed out how I had improved since he met me, he is more neat than I am but I had the habit of cleaning and doing chores more often since living with him. I clean up after him too, it's mutual. He said my cleaning around the house did not count because those are things that "have to be done". I felt he could not be reasoned with, he said if we broke up I had to move out I could not take his dogs. If we stayed together he will try harder if I did. I told him no, I was done and was moving out. He said I did not mean it and only said that because I was angry. I felt he was trying to keep me without begging me. I decided to stay longer. I am happy with him, our home and our little family. I am just worried about him not wanting to get too serious, I am worried this won't last. He has been very good to me since. I am wary and feel like I always have one foot out the door, yet at the same time I am in love with our simple life together, we have similar interests and lifestyle preferences and I hope that he will want to get more serious..but I feel like I can't be the perfect person he wants, I don't want to have us be in each others way of finding spouses. It's confusing!

  • profile image

    Snoppins 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I've been reading your hubs for the past couple months. Great material! I'm curious about your opinion on my situation as well. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26. We live in a condo that he has owned for over a year, I pay him rent and we have 2 dogs. We rented an apartment together for about a year before that. I am always confused about us and often have this on the fence feeling. We have been together for 3 years, the beginning of last summer he broke up with me and I found another place to live and I continued to see him often in hopes of mending our relationship. I moved back in with him at the end of the summer but he seems to go back and forth with what our relationship status is, sometimes saying we are friends sometimes calling me his girlfriend.

    We have had many discussions regarding the break up. At first he told me he needed to be alone, that he was not a good person and that he wants to fix himself. He was also very burdened by an alcoholic mother, that he said he had already mourned the loss of because she was no longer the same person. His father works overseas so he has to care for his mother when she gets in trouble.

    He kept telling me he needed to be alone but we saw each other a lot and intimately throughout the summer. I learned that there was another girl, an ex, he was hoping to date and he explained to me it's just a distraction because he did not want a relationship at all, I was furious and frustrated. Nothing came of them. When we talked more of the future I was hopeful. We are friends with a couple that broke up for months and now engaged. He agreed with me that many couples go through this. He insisted he did not want a relationship when I pressed him. We were doing everything we used to so I felt like he was taking away a part of my dignity by not ackowledging the relationship. I felt badly for him and felt he would become better so I kept being patient and forgiving him.

    That summer he told me he did want to marry me but could not be with me at the time. Later on he tells me that he felt he could not fulfill my demands. When we had talked before about marriage, which we both desire, he told me wanted to marry after grad school and at almost 30. He wanted a very short engagement and then to immediately have children. I told him I wanted to be engaged for 2 years and married for atleast 1 yr before having children. I wanted children at late twenties or now that I am older i am thinking more towards 30. This was just us talking about our wishes not planning out our lives, plus I felt our goals did match up I just did a little urging that perhaps marriage by 30 should have consideration of an engagement a few yrs beforehand and not wait til the last minute and rush everything just before having kids. Anyway near the end of that summer he ended up blaming the break up on me having an idealized schedule for these things to happen and he said he felt ignored and that he couldn't do what made me happy. The story had changed from it being him needing to be alone to fix himself being a bad person to me being too demanding and him not able to meet my needs. I know maybe him thinking about the issues may have made him realize this and both couldve been true. It may have taken a while for him to articulate his thoughts but I felt blamed and that he had changed his escuse to make me seem like the bad guy.

    Regardless of all that we loved each other, the arguments and issues we had over that summer sparked more passion between us and I moved back in. I had wanted a dog my whole life and as soon as he bought his home I begun an enthusiastic campaign but he wasn't ready. Soon after I moved back in he found my dream dog and we adopted him. I was surprised and always thought getting a dog took months of saving up and

    preparing, he felt ready and wanted the exact type of dog I described wanting (his favorite is a different breed). We both love this dog so much and refer to each other as mommy and daddy. He has impressed me with his training and care of our dog and we work together raising this pup. I think he got him for me but too stubborn to have it be anything but his own idea. I wanted a 2nd one, I also mentioned this in front of his friend and my boyfriend glared at me and was mad because we already have one dog and now I want another one. I showed him a photo of a cute dog online only a few months later and he insisted we meet him and get him! I was astonished, I was not ready for a 2nd one so soon. Our first was well trained at this point but not perfect yet, needlessto say we met the new one and fell in love. I started to notice a pattern here. I thought buying a home took years of saving, searching, etc but he found a great one and got it. The dogs, got them so quickly. Maybe marriage will happen without me fretting and wanting things all planned out. I know he wants to do things because he wants them, never because of me. Well now I am nearing 26 so I do wonder if I am wasting time or just not worry and things will happen to my delight.

    And through further conversations I find out that he is cold and rude to me when we get too serious. He says he doesn't want to marry me as I am because I am lazy and don't follow through with things I say I want to do. He thinks i need to improve. I agree but he isn't perfect either and I forgive his flaws. We almost broke up again during this, he wanted me to try to change. I didn't know if I could be who he wanted and wished he would love me for me. He told me he was willing to try if I did. At that point I was upset at the way he treated me. He said it was harder to live with me than without, I didn't help out enough. I pointed out how I had improved since he met me, he is more neat than I am but I had the habit of cleaning and doing chores more often since living with him. I clean up after him too, it's mutual. He said my cleaning around the house did not count because those are things that "have to be done". I felt he could not be reasoned with, he said if we broke up I had to move out I could not take his dogs. If we stayed together he will try harder if I did. I told him no, I was done and was moving out. He said I did not mean it and only said that because I was angry. I felt he was trying to keep me without begging me. I decided to stay longer. I am happy with him, our home and our little family. I am just worried about him not wanting to get too serious, I am worried this won't last. He has been very good to me since. I am wary and feel like I always have one foot out the door, yet at the same time I am in love with our simple life together, we have similar interests and lifestyle preferences and I hope that he will want to get more serious..but I feel like I can't be the perfect person he wants, I don't want to have us be in each others way of finding spouses. It's confusing!

  • profile image

    NaturalBeauty 7 years ago

    I am so happy to have found this page. I am hoping to receive some advice about my unique situation. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been dating since we were in college, age 20 (6-7years ^_^). We have had some ups and downs, religious differences, cultural differences, many periods of long distance (internationally and domestic). We have overcome all of our odds except for marriage. I have always wanted to be married but he hasn't. I believe I was raised with that notion. I would have easily moved forward at the age of 23. I am happy I didn't because I had time to know him better. The more I learn about him the more I love him. I am sure he feels the same way. We have learned more about communication and growth during these years.

    About 3 years ago, after he graduated university I decided it was time to start discussing marriage. He willingly joined the conversation. He started to contribute positive feelings towards the subject. I was elated! I hadn't had a response from him in that way before. I expected a proposal within a year. After that didn't happen I felt it was because of his career situation. I decided to remain happy in our state and push forward.

    When the following year approached I began to wonder what's next. We moved in the same state after a period of long distance. Everything was starting to look great at the time. We hadn't had any arguments and had learned to communicate on a mature level. I believe it was the first time we really understood each others goals.So I was expecting the ring that year! He made several comments jokingly about me being his wife, rings on my finger, blah blah! But nothing!!! I remained sane still. For him moving in together was such a large step. He didn't want to go for marriage. When asked about the topic, he replied that he wasn't sure. I was in shock!!! Not sure!! I thought we were really working towards it.

    I put my foot down and demanded an answer within 3 months!! I told him that I had given my life, time, patience and love to him.

    I was surprised when we started to show improvement again. I didn't want to get my hopes up because I had experienced this feeling many times before. I felt that his conversations towards marriage we becoming serious again.

    I currently live in a foreign country with my boyfriend. We have been here for a little over a year. I have family that would have to pay a high priced ticket to come to a marriage. I was so happy to find that my mother and my father would like to fly here 6 months from now. I thought it would be the perfect time to marry. The weather will be wonderful! My job has a week vacation! We have been together for almost 7 years! We know each other very well and are in love! Yay!! :( He still doesn't think its the right time for marriage. " He told me that he is sure of his feelings now more than ever. Really wants to move forward. Has never felt like this in his life. Wants to do everything when the time is right."

    Am I wrong for wanting to start our future sooner??? I feel like we've had so much time together! 7 years! We're not engaged yet! I hate to be one of those girls, but all of my friends are now happily married to people they have known for only 7month or 1 year. My family is so ready!

    My man is talking about 1 year to 1 1/2 years from now!!! Come on already!!!

  • profile image

    bhappy 7 years ago

    Thank you veronica n good luck

  • profile image

    bhappy 7 years ago

    Hi,veronica.i know u must be very busy but i really dont know what to do n being very upset about the relationship that im having right now.Can I share my story? i really want to say it out instead of keeping in my heart n thinking of it all the time.

    I start dating him 7months ago.He is 30 years old n Im 25.Recently, I found out i was pregnant.He dosent want the baby n He dosent want to settle down yet due to 3 reasons:

    1) We r not there n he is not ready yet, he just planing tto go back school n change another job.

    2) He grown up in a poor family. He had to take care of his younger brothers n sisters n the family since he was 10.

    3) He is a marine. His best friend died when they were in Iraq.He even cried when he was talking about this. I never saw him cry.He think life is too short n unknown. He is tired of taking care of people. He just wanted to enjoy the life right now.

    He cant let anybody inside his heart yet, he dosent want to have a family. And this is also the reason y he got ddivorced. I found out he was marriage due to a txt msg from his ex-wife.She said "babe,i miss u n love u blablabla.." I asked him n he admitted that he is still care about her but he dosent wanna go back.The reason why they broke up was his wfe cheated on him. His wife wanted to have a family(babies) but he didnt want to.His wife is also a marine. They lived separately after they got married.

    I think it was a pity for them since they dont have much time together. They known wach other for above 12 years but tThe marriage only last for 3years. He dosent want to screw up with her since they knew each other when they were very young.His wife stays in east coast now n he in CA.

    I cant change him n I dont want to force him to marry me. We decied to have an abortion. Both of us are changing jobs now. We both have schools n financial problems.

    When I told him I was pregnant,he was shocked I guess.I told him I know he dosent love me n he is ok to says no. He reply: I still here for you as a friend anytime u need me.It broke my heart. I felt like being reject. He just dont want to settle down with me now.

    He wasnt there when I did the surgery.His mom died so he had to go back to san diego. His mom got sick at the time when we first met.its only 7months and she couldnt make it.He kept telling me his mom conditions when he was at home n he kept saying sorry that he couldnt b with me when i did surgery. He said he is not worry about the surgery but worry about how i m.Two weeks later, he came back and we stayed together n had a good time. We get closer than b4.But we still need to face to the truth.He is going back to san diego in 2 months. Before it's because he wants to spend more time with his mom n back to school. His ffamilys r there. he can live with them for a while n the pay there r higher than here in san jose.

    I love him n feel happy for him.I dont know if it is because of the abortions affects, I feel so upset n I need him badly.I m so easily get mad of his cellphone cuz I think he still hiding something behind me.It drives me crazy.

    I juz want to b happy n both of us be happy. I juz want a simple relationship that we love each other. I want to set him free n myself also, but I dont want to loose him (cry~)

    please help me

    why life is so tough

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    tothepoint,

    I answered your question on your own hub:

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/Hes-Not-Maturin...

    I moved your comment over to there. Thanks for posting!

    Good luck to you,

    Veronica

  • profile image

    unsure 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    I've been with my partner for 2 & 1/2 years. We moved in together after 3 months for convenience but have been living seperately for the past year as I have been studying and needed cheaper rent so i have moved back in with my mother. I am 20 and he is 25. Before we started dating I told him that I wanted to be married young and have children young, so he entered into the relationship knowing this. He has now turned around and admitted that he simply isnt ready and wants to wait til he is at least 30. This is fine, i completly understand and have also come to realise that realistically as much as I want those things, I am also probably not ready. He says that he wants to marry me and have kids with me, but just not yet...is this his way of saying he's not ready to tell me he doesnt want to marry me? or should i believe that he really does but just thinks we are too young? Most of our close circle of friends are engaged and starting to have kids and so this has really made me question where we are going. I am more than willing to wait, it would be pointless pushing him into something that neither of us are ready for and i honestly believe he is worth the wait, but i dont want to be waiting for nothing. I'd appreciate any advice or insight you can give me!

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    TANYA!!

    I answered your question from your comment in your very own hub. I moved your comment over to there. I hope you'll read it and let me know what you think. Here it is -

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/Life-Ling-Soulm...

    THANKS TANYA!! xo

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Concerned! and Entirely_commited_but_making_me_wait -

    I didn't answer directly, no. Sorry about that. I will answer you in your own Hub, and come back here and leave the link for you.

    Thanks!

  • profile image

    Concerned! 7 years ago

    Did you ever answer "Entirely_commited_but_making_me_wait says"? Her situation is very similar to mine only my boyfriend still lives at home and is in the process of buying a condo. We've been together for 2.5 years. I'm 30 and he's 28. He says that he DOES want to marry me, but he's not ready. I have no idea what this means. Up until this point he hasn't been ready to move in with me either. I'm afraid I'm dating a man-child who just doens't want to grow up. I love him and he's a great communicator...except when it comes to the subject of marriage. Is it possible, I'm just not the one or is he really just not ready at this moment in time? I'm afraid that he will string me along and it will be too late for me to start a family. HELP!

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    proudmotherof4 -

    Here's your hub:

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/Appreciate-Your...

    Namaste

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    proudmotherof4 -

    Wow. I want to tackle your question in your own Hub. Hang on Darlin' I need to re-read your comment several more times, do a little research, and really think and work on this for you. I'm moving your comment over to it, and I will post the link here when it's done, later tonight. Check back, ok? XOXO

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    heythere,

    I moved your comment to your very own hub, where I answered your question. I hope you'll check it out.

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/She-Makes-More-...

    Thanks!

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    jaygirl,

    Why do you want to marry someone that so clearly does not want to marry you? Why doesn't your partner's opinions and feelings matter at all to you? Why are you with someone you are hellbent on changing?

    You broke up with him hoping to change him? Wow, that's some serious manipulation. You don't care what he wants, you just want what you want, and you are willing to trick him, manipulate him, and bully him in order to force him to change.

  • profile image

    jaygirl 7 years ago

    hi Veronica,

    I have dated my man for two year, he would be 29 this year. we have had a wonderful relationship, we hardly ever argue, the only thing is that i keep brining up marriage. I am a bit insecure, so i keep bringing up the marriage issue. i started bringing it up from the second month in the relationship, and he would tell me he wasnt sure (he didnt have a good job or a house back then). so sometimes we would break up to move on, and then come back again within the next five days. REcently he got a good job, and was planning to get a house, so i decided this was the right time to bring it up.

    I brought it up again, and it was still the same story...not sure what he wants and not ready for marriage. i know he isnt so settled financially, but i expect that now that the money has started rolling in, he should at least start making plans. I broke up with him for six mweeks, hoping it would make him miss me and realise that he wanted marriage, but it didnt work.

    We met up at the sixth week, and even though he begged me and wanted me back, he is still saying NO to marriage or promising marriage. what should i do? Part of me wants to stay and hope he changes his mind by the time everything settles in place, the other part wants to go, hoping that i find someone else........pls whats your advice?

    thank you

  • profile image

    jaygirl 7 years ago

    hi Veronica,

    I have dated my man for two year, he would be 29 this year. we have had a wonderful relationship, we hardly ever argue, the only thing is that i keep brining up marriage. I am a bit insecure, so i keep bringing up the marriage issue. i started bringing it up from the second month in the relationship, and he would tell me he wasnt sure (he didnt have a good job or a house back then). so sometimes we would break up to move on, and then come back again within the next five days. REcently he got a good job, and was planning to get a house, so i decided this was the right time to bring it up.

    I brought it up again, and it was still the same story...not sure what he wants and not ready for marriage. i know he isnt so settled financially, but i expect that now that the money has started rolling in, he should at least start making plans. I broke up with him for six mweeks, hoping it would make him miss me and realise that he wanted marriage, but it didnt work.

    We met up at the sixth week, and even though he begged me and wanted me back, he is still saying NO to marriage or promising marriage. what should i do? Part of me wants to stay and hope he changes his mind by the time everything settles in place, the other part wants to go, hoping that i find someone else........pls whats your advice?

    thank you

  • profile image

    coaxme 7 years ago

    Veronica... thanks, your response caught me off-guard. I guess I was half-expecting you to say that I'm deluding myself and all that stuff about actions over words.

    He hurt me badly in the way we broke up- or the aftermath, rather. When I broke down, he went cold and cut himself off from me. I felt completely abandoned and betrayed by my best friend, the person closest to me. It turned the world upside down, and since then it's been difficult for me to have trust in my own emotions. I was swayed by the protective reactions of the men in my life- my father and brother, and our mutual guy friends (including his own best friend), who advised that I should never speak to him again.

    Women, I think are more idealistic. Even my own mother volunteered to give him the benefit of the doubt, saying she'd always liked him and thinks he needs time to 'grow up'.

    Even when he was with me last weekend, I wondered how I'd feel about it afterwards. In the moment, I trusted him entirely, and that was easy because before we broke up, my trust in him had grown really deep. It was a lot easier to trust than train myself not to. But I knew that later I'd grow skeptical of his words, for one because of how my friends and family have advised me to move on, and also because as you said, they're words... not actions.

    That said, I'm glad you said what you did. It validates what I feel in my own gut- the gut I've had a hard time trusting. The last thing I wanted to hear you say was that I wasn't 'the one' and all that. And as far as pushing him into marriage and kids is concerned, I guess I'm guilty. I never meant to do it- it was more like I was being careened in that direction myself without even knowing if I was ready. There's a large part of me that isn't, and I knew that then too, but the love made me irrational. He pulled the right stops, I know it. Still hurts all the time though.

    When we talked about it last week, I admitted how I'd come to see kids differently in the last year of our relationship. That seeing them made me want them. But then I said how it would be so sad if the two of us suddenly found ourselves struggling to raise a kid or two at this point in our lives- when we've still accomplished so few of our aspirations, and with neither of us even close to the semblance of the type of career we each want. When I said all this, he agreed fully, and had tears in his eyes.

    It wasn't all me though- he was guilty of some of that pressure too. It really wasn't something either of us could avoid. We'd dated for two years as kids, and there had always been a tension and strong emotions between us ever since. I'd moved away for five years, and when I moved back home at 25, we jumped right into it. So in most ways, from day one, the weight of 'forever' was hanging over us. We talked about it whenever we were drunk enough to admit to it- how much we loved it but how scared it made us.

    I want to believe that the difference as to how we've moved away from each other was that he was more able to be sensible. I reacted based on my emotions and not my head, and often I'll admit, I have trouble distinguishing thoughts and feelings. I was willing to forgo logic for the sake of fairy tale, but even in those dreadful few weeks after breaking up, in my stronger moments I knew that if there is any chance of a future for us, then this is the only way.

    The passing of time helps. He pointed out that already in the few months since we split, I seem to have accomplished so much- I'm successful at my job, I've changed my place around, I've put more effort and style into my appearance, and I'm in really good shape. There's reason for that- I've made a very conscious effort in improving myself.

    He said the way he feels about me is very much on his mind all the time but he thinks that in time, maybe it will become a smaller and quieter thought- I guess one so small that it will enable him to engage in relationships with other women and actually have his heart in it.

    I just hope we haven't lost our shot at this. Everyone keeps saying "who knows who you'll meet?!" as though one day, he'll just be a memory of growing up. I want to have the chance to live and love and all that before settling down, but the way I feel about him and the future we could have, I don't want that to go away or lose it. How do I move on and hold on all at once?

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    coaxme,

    Throughout your comment, I have what he's said in your relay to me, and then what you've interpreted. Like, his saying he wants to see other people and your hearing, to see if he can do better. His saying he wants to date other people and your saying, "good lord, right?"

    I'm a little lost as to why you broke up in the first place. And then after being apart you spend a great weekend and he launches into why he doesn't want to get married yet. He said where marriage is concerned he wants to be sure... and all that. I mean, where would that come from? So, I'm going to conclude here that at least part of why you broke up was your pushing him for marriage and kids before he was ready.

    He's 28, classic rites of passage age. Saturn Return. This is the point in his life where he will pretty much figure himself out. Everything he's saying, doing, and indicating sounds normal and healthy to me. Wanting to be at a certain place in life before marriage and kids - very good. Wanting to experience things before settling down - very smart. And it's clear he has serious feelings for you, but that your pushing for marriage way too fast when he's telling you he isn't ready, conflicts or cause conflicts with what he thinks is right for him.

    He doesn't sound all over the place at all to me, and I'm not sure why you believe he is. You said you you believe he loves you but he's hurt you. You haven't shared anything with me about what he did that hurt you. You said you think he's an "idiot" for "messing up" but nothing you have told me was about his messing anything up, or being an idiot at all.

  • profile image

    coaxme 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    I know you get a lot of letters but I'd really appreciate your opinion.

    After not speaking since breaking up a few months ago, we spent almost the whole weekend together just now. It felt great to see that he still loved me, and that his feelings about me hadn't changed. We spoke at length about the issue. Here were his words:

    "When we're together, we're like a couple of idiots, we don't get anything done" (this is true, we basically just moon over each other a lot and goof off). Continued: "And the way we were heading, it was towards marriage and kids, it seemed inevitable. But we haven't accomplished anything yet in our lives. People need to be prepared for those things. They get married, and look at how many people divorce a few years later."

    I agree about the part where neither of us have accomplished much. And that as a couple, we don't tend to get much done. We act like kids, just wanting to have fun. I tell him as much.

    Him, continued: "I think you're the most incredible person I've ever met in my life." But then he also said where marriage is concerned, he wants to be sure. He said he wants to date a few more girls first. Good lord, right? I mean on the one hand, I'll give him allowances for the fact that though 28, mentally he's stunted on account of past dramas and what not, so I can see why he's freaked about not having lived enough. But it feels like he wants to know if he can do better. This is after five months of being split up and neither of us dating, after a night of him confessing that he doesn't want to date anyone else.

    He later brought it up again, suggesting we both be extremely respectful with regards to dating others. As in, he didn't want to find out about me dating. Then he just came out and said, "can you just not?" Joking, but yeah.

    My thoughts: he's all over the place and hasn't figured out what he really wants yet. I believe he loves me but he's hurt me really badly now. I think he's an idiot for what he's messing up, but I also agree that it's an excellent opportunity for us both to get our lives together, and as he said earlier on, see how much better this could be when we're both happier with ourselves.

    In other words, I'm all about the grey area. I want to move on, for now. As in, hey- we've got our whole lives ahead of us, what's the rush? He and I have this big, long history that dates back to being kids. If it's real, it's real, right? I want to believe it, so can you tell me it's okay to do so, or tell me I'm an idiot. Seems like you've heard it all by now!

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Dear ManiSimone,

    I hope you will read this and take my advice:

    You need to speak to a therapist or counsellor.

    The first paragraph you wrote states that from day one with this man you said you want to get married, which is extreme in and of itself, and he responded by saying he clearly does not want what you want. But you chose to pursue a relationship with him, that would be based, from day one, on forcing him to change into what you want. That step begins an extreme and unhealthy journey for you. Have you asked yourself why if he stated right from the beginning that he doesn't find marriage important, you would get involved with him?

    You build on that in the rest of your comment, everything showing your needing and expecting and trying to force him to change. You're so focused on what you want you even caused yourself a miscarriage? That is huge, and I'm very worried about you. You really need some professional help. I hope you will take my advice and find a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

    There's nothing wrong with your wanting to get married. But there is a lot of issue regarding how you're going about it. From what you've shared I have no idea what he's thinking or doing, other than that he's been clear, from day one, that he is not looking for marriage like you are. But whether it's not "yet" or not "ever" at this point doesn't matter as this can't work. You really need to speak with a professional.

    Good luck to you.