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Are You Dating a Manipulator? Then Stop It!

Updated on November 23, 2012

Who makes your top ten list of Deal-breakers?

Love can only bear your boundaries.
Love can only bear your boundaries. | Source

What is it that most annoys you about people you date?

Always on the prowl for inspiration for my next article, I found myself in a healthy conversation at work with a couple of fellow singles-- both female and male. While I am a self-proclaimed "expert" on the female brain and dating advice, I asked a male coworker what mystery would he most like to find out about his female counterparts?

His answer: why are women so manipulative?

Wait, what?

I thought it would be a cut and dry answer, but this one threw me off my loop. Since I'm the outspoken "anti-manipulator" of men, I had to ask more. Why do men feel that way? It turns out that this problem bothers them more than any other.

Come to think of it, yes, every man's worst nightmare is the "gold-digger."

But then, who is to blame: women who want to use, or men who aim to please... financially speaking?

A word to women:

  • Stop dating men you see no future with. It's a simple task. Really, if you see he's not your type, doesn't earn enough money, isn't "attractive" enough, or whatever your "qualms" are about him, don't string him along. Simple enough, isn't it?
  • You owe it to him to be honest. Stop faking any form of "friendship" if you're not interested. Ladies: if you are being pursued by a guy who says he wants friendship, he's too shy to tell you he's interested in you. Be the bigger man (er, woman), and tell him you see no future between you, and you have plenty of "girlfriends" to fit the role better.
  • Buy your own damn dinner. Sorry to be blunt but grow some dignity. Women who use men for a free ride make us "good women" look bad. Not all females are into these games, so men should be aware of that.

For men:

  • Know when to cut your losses. You can say that you keep meeting "users", "manipulators" or "gold-diggers" all you want, but if you stop offering what you feel these women are "using," then there will be no reason for you to feel "used."
  • She doesn't owe you anything for a good time-- no matter how much you spent. Sorry, fellas, but if you take her to a 5-star restaurant and spend a fortune wining and dining her on a first date, don't be shocked when she only sticks around while you pay for her pampering. A woman of substance will stick around if you date her under "frugal" circumstances... says the woman of substance.
  • Stop using money and power to control women. If you're looking for a true connection of souls, then don't pretend to be Donald Trump's Mini-Me. Fake women will be attracted to men who are shallow. Men who are into arm candy will attract fake women. Enough said.
  • Stop the bleeding early when you spot a user. Like my co-worker, Vince (bless his tall, handsome, hot-blooded, young Italian heart) experienced, cut off ties with women you sense are out to use you. You can spot the red flags if you focus with your head (not the little one).

While as a woman at forty, I have the equal and opposite experience (mostly young men use me for my 'experience' and kind-heartedness), I realized that men aren't to blame for this condition, but myself: if I take myself off the market for being used, then the behavior will cease to exist. So far my boycott has paid off. If you value your independence, steer clear of users.

Same for men: if you don't want to feel "used," stop ignoring red flags of manipulative women and cut the strings early on. Don't let your "ray of hope" blind you in your pursuit of a woman's love. And if you are looking for true love, she'll be swept away by your acts of kindness far sooner than the amount of digits on your receipts.

What do you think?

Who is to blame?

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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope you are free of the man you described. Anyone who uses others is a complete drain emotionally. Best wishes to you.

    • My Moments profile image

      My Moments 4 years ago

      I dated a manipulative man, then married him, then spent years trying to get away from him, emotionally. It was the most devestating thing I ever did to myself. I always thought myself a strong woman but he was just too quick for me. Great hub, voted up and useful.

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      You spend money on a woman in accordance to her desirability. A plain jane or an ugly duckling gets treated like a princess, because nobody ever does that to her. You spend money and open her door for her. Send her home with a kiss and a feeling that she has some value to men.

      But, a beauty queen needs to pay her own way. You click the door lock, but you let her open her own door! At the end of the date, you tell her that you are tired and that you don't want to have sex. I once had a woman's jaw drop when I said that to her.She could not believe that I just assumed she would provide sex on a first date. Then, she was aghast that I would turn her down! If it's a loving pretty girl, then maybe spend a few bucks. But, the restaurant needs to be inexpensive. You go to a five-star place with a beauty queen and you can kiss that ass goodbye! And, if a beauty queen offers me no affection at all, then she pays for my meal, or I won't go. Only a loving little princess earns my money. That's how money works.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Very helpful points to watch out for in such individuals and it is possible to be involved with such kind of people without even knowing it from the beginning