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Who Not To Invite To Your Wedding

Updated on June 2, 2015

Let's face it, weddings are hard. And invitations can be one of the most stressful parts of planning one. Who will make the cut? Who is worthy enough to receive the benefits of paid catering? People give you a thousand and one reasons why they should be invited to your wedding, but none of those selfish jerks will ever tell you why you shouldn't invite them. Maybe they smell, maybe they are notorious for never bringing a wedding gift, or maybe their presence would simply be inappropriate because they are public nudists and your wedding is a family-friendly only event. They should just be honest with themselves and with you, but nobody ever is.

Ne'er to fear. This Hub has you covered. Instead of fretting over who will and will not be comfortable or kosher to have at you wedding, do what you do best and listen to everything that a random person on the Internet has to say.

Whatever you do, do not invite the following:

"Smells like Up Dog in here."
"Smells like Up Dog in here."

Your Ex

This one should be a no brainer. Leading studies show that 100% of people are still hung up on their ex 80% of the time. But exes belong in Texas, not at your wedding. Unless of course your intent is to humiliate your ex. In which case, a better idea would be to invite them but write on their invitation that the ceremony is a day later than it actually is, so when they show up at the venue there is nobody there. Ha, ha! Even though you broke up with them 5 years ago because they were too clingy and they kept leaving sappy love notes under your pillow while you were trying to sleep, you will have the last laugh!

"A wise bum never sleeps. He simply rests."
"A wise bum never sleeps. He simply rests."

A Bum

Bums are only good for two things: terrifying you as you walk alone in the city after sundown, and apocalypse prediction. And sign making. So there's actually three things. Unless you're aiming for an authentic back alley feel for your rustic, redneck ceremony, or you are seeking cheap labor to hold direction signs in the parking lot for your guests, maybe don't invite a bum.

"I will destroy all that you love."
"I will destroy all that you love."

The Ocean

As beautiful as the ocean is and as cool as everyone would think you are by having it at your wedding, the ocean really has more important things to do than attend every Tom, Dick, and Sally's party. Let's be realistic here, the ocean is a busy body of water and simply can't be arsed. Besides men have a tendency to become enamored by the wild, untamable spirit of its rolling waters. Infidelity involving the sea should not be a fun idea to your husband until at least 2 years down the road! It would be better to invite a stagnant pond, so that your husband will smell the pond and be thankful he has you instead.

"I sure wish I was with the ocean right now instead of having to put on this ridiculous bow tie."
"I sure wish I was with the ocean right now instead of having to put on this ridiculous bow tie."

Your Fiancé

If you send a hand written invitation to your fiancé, he will feel like you are being impersonal and will be offended by the idea that he is nothing more than a common guest to you. In some cultures, this is a disrespect punishable by a permanent curse cast upon your household. It is therefore very important to never ask your fiancé to attend your wedding. He should just know instinctively when the date and time are planned to be.

"You wish!"
"You wish!"

Your Political Crush

What is wrong with you? Do you want to make your man jealous? Keep your fantasies out of the public eye for once in your lifetime, girlfriend!

I understand that for good reason you've developed a near obsessive affinity for our country's current commander-in-chief, but the only place you should be singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" at is in your imagination. Besides, the president is a married man! Trust me, as someone who has been burned too many times from the scorching fires that are secret political relationships with our nation's highest ranking governmental officials, only good can come of this. I mean nothing. Nothing good can come of this.

"I got 99 poplars but a birch ain't one."
"I got 99 poplars but a birch ain't one."

This Guy In A Bush

Seriously, just don't. I can't believe I even have to mention this one.

A live action rendition of Fieval Goes West.
A live action rendition of Fieval Goes West.

Furries

Nothing kills a wedding reception like a pack of sniffing, scratching furries. Furries produce endless sequences of awkward conversation by consuming alcohol and worming their way into any situation where the sentence "That's just like the time I watched The Lion King for the very first time!" can be used. I'm pretty sure they also have fleas. Furries don't have lives so they will always RSVP yes, which means that you must be sure that you don't leave any invitations laying anywhere near them. They are not real people anyway, so don't feel bad for not including them.

An inspirational quote for your wedding.
An inspirational quote for your wedding.

Sylvia Plath Poetry

I'm not sure what would possess you to assume that Sylvia Plath poetry would be appropriate for your wedding. Perhaps you like poetry, or perhaps you are disenchanted with the idea of the traditional Bible quotes spoken during most ceremonies. But I assure you, there are more agreeable (albeit uninteresting) poets to choose from.

NO THANKS, GRANDMA.
NO THANKS, GRANDMA.

Grandma's Doll Collection

I'm sure your grandma is a sweet lady who probably has a never ending supply of York peppermint patties in her purse, but this is seriously the creepiest thing you could ever invite to you wedding. If you invite your grandma's doll collection, many of your guests are going to change their RSVP from a yes to a disturbed no. Nobody wants to sit across from the lifeless eyes of a shark- I mean, doll- while they're eating a slice of wedding cake. Instead, you should try a collection of real babies.

"Sorry, not tonight. Come back some other time, okay?"
"Sorry, not tonight. Come back some other time, okay?"

Aunt Flow

You're not going to have any time for that naggy bint at your wedding, so just skip the invite and enjoy a night free from stress. It's that simple. Why didn't you think of it before? Honestly, sometimes I worry about you.

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