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Why Am I In The Friend Zone?
Neil Goldman, Friend Zone Escape
You're Too Aggressive
Nobody likes the hard sale. Demanding an answer to an invitation to lunch, reacting poorly to rejection or being inordinately persistent are off limits. No one wants to be in charge of your happiness or afraid you might go home and kill yourself just because they aren't sure about going out. That is way too much pressure. Be friendly and polite, not pushy. You catch more flies with honey. Also, learn to grow a thick skin. Life is filled with rejection, and if you are that angry at the word "no" you probably suck at life in general. Grow a pair.
You Suck At Life
I know your mom told you how special and awesome you are, but you should take it with a grain of salt. She loves your dirty draws. The people do not.
Maybe your issue is not hygiene. Maybe it is a general lack of ambition. If you are looking for a serious relationship, the person you want will likely not be interested in shaping and guiding another adult. If you end up in a relationship, your partner is probably an opportunist with designs on you.
Maybe you are one of those really rude people who mistakes a lack of tact for honesty. Love is unconditional, but relationships have terms. You can only say "Oh well, their loss" so many times before you realize the things you do aren't working.
Captain Friend Zone To The Rescue
You Don't Express Interest
So you like someone, but you find yourself hanging out all the time with nothing coming of it but friendship. You visit each other, go shopping together, but nothing has progressed. Sometimes you lash out by pulling passive aggressive stunts (i.e., I'm not going to answer the phone) but even if you are directly asked, "Is something wrong?" you will lie. You tell yourself you don't mind being a friend as long as you are around, but you do mind. You are just afraid of being rejected and losing access to the person altogether.
Tell them how you feel, and accept what they may say in the end. You do not want to be an emotional mess because you have been friends for years and the love of your life is in love with someone else. You also don't want to be the shoulder to cry on too often. It never feels good to idolize the person who treats you like an option. Stop living in limbo. Find out for yourself where you two stand and make a choice.
The Object of Your Affection Is a User
Maybe you are trying to sell your sweetie on the idea that being with you is a dream, so you do too much for him or her, and he or she is in love with the benefits, not you. It sucks to discover the person you want in your life just likes free lunch, but it happens. Females are usually guilty of this, but males are definitely not exempt. Women will take dinners and quality time freely and never take the relationship anywhere. Men usually abuse a friendship with a needy or insecure woman, simply because she is never going anywhere. Once you see you are in a one-sided situation, cut it off. A simple test you can do is to not call. If you receive a call in a couple of days and it is not to receive anything from you, you may not have a user.
Your Reputation Precedes You
Do you have a history of being a douchebag? Are your exes disgruntled with good reason? There is a chance your crush is fully aware of your track record and unwilling to subject themselves to such foolishness. Be honest with yourself about your past, and if you have some skeletons in your closet, consider being forthcoming. If you have, for instance, been physically violent in a relationship, but you are a recovering rage-a-holic, let it be known. Maybe you will miss out on being with someone, but there are plenty of people with checkered pasts who have found love. I mean, look at Kim Kardashian!
Related
Comments
- Author
I'm not denying that but my point was geared toward people who aim for a specific person, not lonely people who want somebody. If I want A RELATIONSHIP, there are no hard and fast rules, but if I want a certain type of person, there are protocols.
Excellent point! I was not so much talking about the "broken wing" people as much as I was acknowledging those seek out such people to rescue them!
Oftentimes you hear about women writing letters of marriage proposals to mass murderers in prison. My point is whatever you or I consider to be a "deal breaker" or loser/non mate material there will be others who will gravitate towards those very people!
It's true what they say: "There is someone for everyone."
I've witnessed this countless times. :-)
- Author
True, but I am speaking of what I would consider a healthy situation. I mean just because it's available doesn't mean you should take it. The #1 rule of recovery in rehab is to abstain from romantic entanglements.
RealestMotherDear, There is always "someone" who will date or mate with another person regardless of their situation.
My years of experience observing relationships has taught me there is no such thing as a (universal) "deal breaker". LOL!
Drug addicts, alcoholics, homeless, thugs, abusers, fat/skinny people of all circumstances have been known to (find someone) even if this person is nothing more than a co-dependent who is hell bent on "saving them".
Some people are natural rescuers! :-)
- Author
Well said! It's true, users come in both genders. There are some people who do suck at basic survival skills and no one wants to deal with them. The older you get, the harder it is to pair off if you have hygiene issues or no permanent place to stay.
Very interesting hub! Voted up!
Your statement: "You are just afraid of being rejected and losing access to the person altogether." explains how people end up in the "friend zone"!
Most people in the "friend zone" got there because they were cowards. A fast "no" is better than a slow agonizing drip of torture as one witnesses the person they desire date others or talk about others. Silently they listen to their "would be" lover's romantic adventures or worse they offer advice as a friend while hoping one day this person will "wake up" and recognize that everything they could ever want in a mate is sitting right in front of them. A real "When Harry Met Sally" moment.
The reality is no matter who you are, what you look like, or how well mannered you are.... you're not going to be seen as being "the one" for every person you are interested in. That's a fact!
If someone says: "We can be friends" or "Lets be friends and see how it goes." or "I love you but I'm not (in love) with you"....What they are really saying is; "I like you and care about you BUT... You are not the one!"
If someone thinks you're "hot" or you turn them on either physically or emotionally they're not going to risk putting you in the "friend zone" because they know others will be pursing you.
My advice to men in particular has always been to make your intentions known right from the outset. Always go for a kiss at the end of a date. Rejection saves you time in the long run and "friendship" is a "consolation prize". Life is too short to be trying to turn water into wine. If someone does not want what you want stop wasting your time!
I would never entertain the thought that "I suck at life" or "I'm too aggressive". Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself. Accepting the reality that not everyone is going to be "into you" is a sign of maturity. There are over 7 billion people on the planet and odds are no matter what you look like or what your interests are there is more than one person who is "into" your type. Move on!
You also stated: "Men usually abuse a friendship with a needy or insecure woman, simply because she is never going anywhere."
In all honesty I've witness both genders to this. There are lots of women who accept free drinks, go out to dinner with guys, see a play/concert, and accept gifts from men knowing full well that these men are romantically interested in them while these women have no intention of becoming emotionally invested or physically connected to these men.
Having said that the only way to be used and abused is by allowing yourself to be used and abused. When you love yourself you look out for yourself!
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
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