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In ROMANCE and RELATIONSHIPS, --- APOLOGIES --- Must be done with your Head and Your Heart

Updated on January 30, 2020
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Christofer spent 10 years in family counseling. Later he obtained a Psy. D.. His focuses: Health, History, Astrology, Politics and Fables

"Let Them Eat Cake" Was Not Exactly an Apologetic Response from MARIE ANTOINETTE


Easy to Say "Sorry" --- Harder to be Sorry and be Believed.


Personal Conduct, Sex and Relationships --

An apology is not a Penny. The value of an apology goes down with FREQUENCY and up with SINCERITY and BELIEVE-ABILITY.

When the topic is sex and romance, the apology must also be spoken with CREDIBILITY and GENUINE REMORSE.

As a Counselor to a young Texas man in Tyler, seeking to win back his girl friend, I got down to "brass tacks".

"Look, you can apologize all you want to, have tears in your eyes and get down on your knees, it ain't gonna help unless she TRUSTS that this is your first and last time. Then there is what she actually thinks of you as a person.

Because of this situation her TRUST has been affected. Do you "feel me"?"

"Well Mr. French, we've been dating for a long time, I've got a good job and I don't drink like a lot of dudes do., but I know her well, she does not like to be trifled with."

I smiled and commented. "At least you have an appreciation for her. You said -- SHE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE TRIFLED WITH. Keep that thought in your mind. It sounds like you appreciate your circumstance. This apology is going to fit in the frame work of your total relationship. At least you are starting with the right mindset. I have to warn you that for people who don't want to be trifled with---an apology might not work, no matter how well crafted it is.

The Cynical Approach to Apologies

I also spoke with a "controversial fellow", who worked as a Stock Broker in the Sears Tower in Chicago:

"I will apologize to anyone to get them to shut up, or just think more of me. There is nothing like an apology to stop unlimited commentary and drunken pattering. Don't worry if people will think you're a soft touch. Apologies are just to look like a soft touch and have people misunderstand that you are a person of peace. Apologize as a tool. Don't use the tool indiscriminately. Use it like a deft sword fighter. "Aha, there I got you. I apologized!"

The Jaded Approach to Apologies

And another quotable guy:

"If someone doubts your sincerity or just outright disbelieves you, then say, "Well, you think I should apologize, don't you?" Of course, they will say "Yes." Then your retort should be "Tell me how and why I should apologize." That will work because they will not want to, and thus end the whole stupid conversation, OR they will tell you. If they tell you, look sincerely. Master a self-deprecating look, and then say: "I agree with you." They have saved the energy it took you to make up an apology.

Then you can pick up with a new conversation, as you have allowed your enemy to have the day, and give you a new state of grace. In answer to your question"

"Yes, yes, yes, always apologize, unless you are in a legal circumstance, Divorce Court, or you don't believe you should."

This is not to recommend carrying a big stick literally but there is a significant issue to consider. Just because you "apologize", just because you "speak softly", that does not mean you can't back yourself up, and act strongly about an issue which you care about deeply.

You Aren't Going to Jail if you apologize, You are being Diplomatic

In the tug and pull of conflict and argument and verbal struggle and people just being ill mannered and noisey, it behooves the best of us to control the flow of energy through apologies, charm, special silences and muted smiles.

We Tend to be Loud and Interruptive These Days

As you move through the channels, by ways, highways and avenues of your life learn to "rise to the occasion instead of falling back on your basic level of training".

My father used to say, "the world is run by amateurs, and that's because most of us are just amateurs."

He wasn't saying that we are primitive or stupid. He was saying that as a "professional actor" he read lines; lines that had been thought about for a long time by brilliant authors and writers. This made him realize that as people on the planet -- our lines are not written for us. This sounds basic.

But if you walk through your days with diplomacy on your mind, it might just affect the way you use "your dialogue". Use your dialogue in a meaningful and conscious way, and you will start to see yourself, "rising to the occasion" and not falling back on your "basic training".

In the end, if we are mindful that NONE of us likes to be trifled with, then perhaps we would all do less trifling with each other!

Upon Julius Caesar's Death, Mark Antony Delivered a Diplomatic Speech very Artfully.

Shakespeare's Speech Immortalized Antony.
Shakespeare's Speech Immortalized Antony.

Apologies Can Soften the Path to a Kind of Peace

Teddy Roosevelt ---

"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"

Yes use it in Romance as often as its needed!, but if it tires you, that's a warning.

Be Smart at Work and Church and Parties---- and if you think being Apologetic and Diplomatic is unnecessary, then that's a message.

We're all human; and in the hustle and bustle of Modern Society, a good diplomatic apologetic style.can get you farther along than you might think.

A Sampling of Diplomatic "Apologensia"







© 2012 Christofer French


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