- Gender and Relationships»
Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable
There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this article, especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.
Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”
Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know has the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.
Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.
Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.
Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website www.thegrio.com, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “
It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.
This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.
It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what, being a women; I dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.
These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.
I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.
The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.
Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”
He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.
Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.
Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.
We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t toe the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.
And of course, no article about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.
It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”
The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.