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Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable

Updated on February 28, 2010
Sit back and relax. Take a chill pill. Learn to agree to disagree.
Sit back and relax. Take a chill pill. Learn to agree to disagree.

There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this article, especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.

Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”

Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know has the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.

Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.

Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.

Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “

It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.

This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.

It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what, being a women; I dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.

These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.

I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.

The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.

Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”

He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.

Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.

Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.

We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t toe the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.

And of course, no article about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.

It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”

The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.



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      Chaze Nunes 13 months ago

      Black women create way to many problems and act like the victim 99% of the time

      Flip artist

      Use the kids as pawns

      they are now only dating white men but when we do date white it's a problem and they even give it a cute little name to disguise it SWIRL

      never apologize for their wrong doing

      their never wrong

      way to many damn kids they wont raise or discipline Oh it's always that one disrespectful punk ass bastard kid that they let talk crazy to you and get away with the most but don't you dare try to step in and discipline so the kid has more jurisdiction in the household than you

      they try to control every move you make and then they try to sh!t on you during tax time and act brand new

      infinite arsenal of excuses

      bad grammar

      only wear the latest ghetto trendy brands that's out

      only listen to trash Rap Artist

      Trifling dirty housekeeping skills

      Bad cooking just eat out majority of the time

      Basic ass bitch syndrome only know about black ghetto culture not intellectual for sh!t

    • profile image

      Wanda Johnson Hall 14 months ago

      Thank you. I lived it.

    • profile image

      Davida 14 months ago

      I'M just seeing this 6 year old article. WOW!!! I didn't want to read it at first, seemed very negative based on the title alone. I took a deep breath and read it anyway. Very insightful and I have to agree. No pun intended. We can be VERY disagreeable and argumentative. Bossy and defensive. I see that in myself. Growth and flipping the script cones from seeing the truth and deciding if you care enough to change things AND yourself. I am. Thank you for the article. Deep. TRUTH. Smart woman.

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      Jay auld 19 months ago

      I understand what the writer is say... She not comparing the genders, the topic is agree to disagree...not meaning that women should ve submissive and to be a slave. Most black women i dated tell their self that they no what they want and they not settling for less..subliminally they are saying that they want a perfect man who fits that description of what they want (perfect man) don't exist...both men and women should agree that they had a life before relationship started, both has to compromise if they want it to work... Change somethings but not ever thing... Dont be selfish, agree to disagree is the topic... If he has a less paid job still give him the respect cause men are the head of the house no matter what.... Motivate him...

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      Lisa 2 years ago

      Nice black women like myself get hurt because i have been in several bad relationships. Im not afraid to speak my mind. My heart is very sweet kind and more. I have a heart of gold. I was told that i was ugly, called wanda because i have full lips. I wasnt pretty enough because i have brown skin i was called this by black dudes. The last relationship i was in ended 2 years ago when i was in a relationship with a dude within my race did something real stupid. Im not angry, bitter, none of that it just i want to be very and super careful about falling in love with the wrong dude! Dudes that dated me in the past wanted to date my niece before she died in 2003 want to break up with me to date her because she was light-skin. It hurted me so badly because i went through insecurities it started as a child. Because i got pick on for wearing glasses at age of 6. It stay with me for a long time. Things are better now praise God.

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      Jason Ford 2 years ago

      It would seem like the angry comments are comming from the 70% mentioned in the article. In my experience if a persom can't take self-correct or take constructive criticism don't give them the time of day, they are f-ed up beyond repair. Unfortunately around 70% of black women fall into this catagory. To be fair I would argue that there are around as many messed up black men as there are women. The problem is getting the good 30% of black women to find the good 30% of black men, before they turn bitter from dating the messed up 70%. I met my wife at a HBCU, which is a great place to filter out the most of the unwanted. To be honest I tell black women, and black men, that have there stuff together to date non-blacks also. Why search in vein when the person for you might not be black.

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      Dess 2 years ago

      Ok I'm a fifteen year old girl and I just want to say that it is things like this that bring the young black women to the conclusion that they will never be able to find a husband.

      The young African American girls see things like this and take it as " well I'm not good enough to ever find someone to love me so I might as well go and settle with whatever will have me."

      This is unhealthy and damaging to the psyche and hurts immensely on a deep emotional level. It lead to black girls getting more angry and upset that a man won't love them for them. Yes SOME black women are argumentative but it depends on what they have had to go through.

      It isn't out of egotism that a woman stays with an abusive partner it is either out of fear for what might happen if they try to leave, the feeling that maybe she deserves it, or maybe she has been groomed into thinking I need this person an I can't live without them.

      I also find the comment about the successful women only guarding their stuff and pretending to guard their heart highly offensive. If a women has face rejection and heartache repeatedly then yes she's going to want to be careful with choosing the person she wants to be with.

      I plan on being one of those women because my mother who is a strong intelligent BLACK woman who was married had her husband cheat on her ( let me guess it was because she was so disagreeable) and she got divorced and she's happy. My mother taught me that I shouldn't rely on a man to do everything for me and that I shouldn't be afraid to speak my mind. I want a man that will treat me as his equal and y'know what I will never let a man put his hands on me because trust me I know how to handle that.

      Black women have never had it easy from the time of slavery we have had to go through twice as much as our male counterparts. Black female slaves suffered from the injustice of rape by the the slave owner to save the men. We didn't get a thank you for that. Black women are told repeatedly that because of the color of their skin they are not considered beautiful. This is what leads to the cold exterior of the black girls today.

      We are often taught from a young age that the lighter you are the more pretty you are. I often look in the mirror wishing I was just a few shades lighter so that maybe then I'd be beautiful. We have been taught from a young age to protect yourself this is why most black girls act so tough and cold. It's because someone at some point in time has told them that they weren't enough that they weren't worth it. So they feel the need to push others away so that they won't have to feel that kind of pain ever again and yes this usually backfires.

      But it is downright stereotypical and disrespectful, not to mention just plain rude to say that all black women do this.

      The single women you ran into May be the exception I really don't know but I don't care. Not all single women would jump for joy at the idea of marriage and not all single women are rude and argumentative. Some women are quite happy being alone. They have friends and family and maybe even children and maybe they feel that they don't need to have a man in their life in order to be happy.

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      happyblackwoman 3 years ago

      I find your article to be filled with generalizations and misinformation. Not to mention; overloaded with media misinterpretations of who black women are and not to mention the all to familiar "statistic" of 70%. The truth is however that as long as we feed into the widespread belief that black women are scary, bitter, barking, biting, mean, nasty disagreeable beings, the more we will continue to see articles like this that have no real substance. The truth of the matter is that while the media loves to portray that some 48 or so percent of black women have not been married, they fail to mention that the same percentage of black men have also Never been married.. but I wonder why this percentage was not pounded into our psyches by Oprah or Steve Harvey? Women are women!!!! Attitudes are not synonymous with black women! Neither are the words "mad" or "bitter". Many black women are happily married! And a larger percentage of them are still married to black men..since 80% of black men marry black women, but as we are seeeing these days, it seems to be happening later in life. I will not buy into this belief that black women are somehow more problematic than any other group of women on the entire's foolishness! We are not the bitter angry mad beings that the media and articles, like these, try to portray. I'm twenty eight years old. I was married at twenty two to a wonderful and caring black man..Had my first child at twenty four. I've never experienced bitterness or being mad at the world for being a black women..I'm not overweight and have high blood pressure.. I even laugh every once in a while! (Lol) Please! Black women we have more to do with our time and brilliance than to waste it on these trivial arguments.

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      she's right 4 years ago

      taking classes like nursing, becoming a teacher, or a psychologist is the typical example of education amongst black women. Actually women in general. When most men go to college they don't take powder puff classes like these. They become engineers, doctors, or professors with doctorates. I myself am a programmer. I get sick of liberal arts majors talking about how educated they are.

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      Plagius 4 years ago

      I am a 33 year old black man and I can only speak at to my Experiences with black woman in southeastern Michigan. My parents always raised me to be honorable and to be wise. They always said no matter what you do do not get a woman pregnant who you are not in love with. At the same time they talk about black history we watched the movie roots at an early age. Even though I went to a predominately white school I knew I would marry a black woman. I was not perfect but all my life I cite away from what I call the dumb s***

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      Lulusweet 4 years ago

      Oh this is one of the most immature, one sided pieces I have read in a while. The REAL reason 70% of black AMERICAN women are not married is because they keep waiting for that black man with an ounce of sense to come along. Black women are very loyal to black men, for some sick reason? MOST Black women are conditioned to believe that they must be the savers of the black race for one thing. When you have a black woman waiting on that good black man, she will become a dried up old bag sitting on a bench with all of her degrees and what not. There are very, very,very few GOOD! INTELLIGENT black men and that is what needs to be exposed! Black men as a general rule are raised without a male figure to teach them, and that results in very few black men who are actually husband material. Most black men I meet are incredibly arrogant to the point where it sickens me sometimes. That is a huge turn off! You are just not telling the truth, or you don't understand the dynamics of male, female nature. The man does the asking, the leading and the courting. No matter what you say, I have never met a black woman who was comfortable asking a man to marry her? I have dated and married BOTH black and white men. Most black men, won't even suggest getting to know you. I have had crazy black men profess their undying love without even really knowing me. They look for sex not marriage. White men look to wife you, especially if they like your personality. Black men are the weakest males in the whole gender. They want sex not just some dinner and a long chat. It's all about them. I meet white men, and they respectfully attempt to court me. Black men have their own deranged way of courting a black woman. So really if a man is not looking for a wife ( most black men aren't looking for a wife) black men are looking for something temporary to show off to their "boys" white men look for a help mate, which most black women are help mates since we are used to taking care of everyones needs. Black men need to take note on how to properly court wonen. They need to stop focusing on having the baddest bish out there, for their friends to envy. Most black men can't lead themselves, how can they lead a family? It is just some misinformed, brainwashed black women, who keep thinking Tyrone will change someday. Also explain why BW / WM marriages last the longest? The rate of BW marrying other races are on the rise. Get with the program. Black women are graduating from college at a much, much higher rate then black men. So of course, uf black men quit telling everyone how ugly and masculine black women are, then maybe people wouldn't think that. 1 in evey 15 black men are in prison, using up tax dollars to live in their prison apts with 3 squares a day, yet people only focus on the black mom with the foodstamps and a part tine job? . But when you talk about the reality of black men filling up prisons, black women like you sit in denial. You need to wake up and realize more and more black women are leaving black men behind, traveling and loving men of other races. My daughter is set to marry a Japanese man in June. And I love white men, they are attractive and sexy. I have always been feminine and stood by a brotha, but no more. All they do us complain about how black women do them. Please get your facts straight before you defend mediocre black men.

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      ken 4 years ago

      Just as it is natural for a woman to desire a musciline, manly man, it is also natural for a man to desire a feminine woman. Black American women have been raised to be less feminine and to despise the nurturing quality of womanliness that men are attracted to. Being musculine themselves, black American women are mostly appealing to the hyper musculine, aggressive and thuggish types and will not get along with normal men.

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      Beyond-Politics 5 years ago from The Known Universe (

      The funny thing is that whenever a black man makes such assertions, black women will attack his manhood, accusing him of being a "woman-hater" or "gay."

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      TJ 5 years ago

      unmarriageable. Of course they are when black men can find easy cheap white trash, why make a commitment to their own women. Black men are still in slaved. while black women has moved on to be educated and better providers. I am a black woman I make over $200,000 per year I have a nice home and a great life so lick that, and I would never date a black man.

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      MJ 5 years ago

      This is the most pathetic story I have every read in my life. A lot of black women are single because they want to be and we tend to have a loyalty to stick to our own race. I tell black women all the time the market is open and stop being closed minded. A lot black men are on the DL, in jail, has the lesser education, credit bad, want a women to take care of them, feel its a privledge that you have them, and they don't have nothing to offer at all, there lazy, and jobless. White men are raised to be providers to take care of there homes to treat there women as equals and there partners. They don't feel a women's comments as being disrespectful were as a lot of black men feel so insecure that they get mad at that black women that tries to help build them up. Most of your black stars, athletes was raised by that black women. My view you want better living and want what a man is suppose to do and that is provide, then I would say bye to black men. I say go outside your race. Its always a complaint about black women but when you check statsitics we have the lowest divorce rate of any interacial couple. Black men white women high divorce rate, white women white men high divorce rate. So black men if its not the white man then its the black women. Grow up and take lessons on how to be a man for a change.

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      martyrformarriage 5 years ago

      Yes, I am black.

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      Liz 5 years ago

      Who are you? Are you even black?

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      martyr for marriage 6 years ago

      People are quick to label something a stereotype, especially when they see themselves. The fact is that 70% of black women are not married. I only have friends who are married, so your assumption that my opinion is bases on folk I associate with is unfounded. As a matter of fact, I make sure I steer away from many single women because I have found them to be argumentative and self-righteous. If these women you speak of are "sterotypical," they are being defined by the stereotypes they represent. I doubt it if they are marriageable. I don't have to know them to know they would probably jump at the chance to be married. There is something impeding the process. All woman like to talk and examine, but many black women bring an element of "they are right," no matter what to their relationships that keep them alone.

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      Kylawyergirl 6 years ago

      Oops a typo, mean to say, no basis in fact...and is irrelevant to the conclusion reached because agreeable and marriageable are in the eye of the beholder.

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      Kylawyergirl  6 years ago

      Stereotypes are just the collective opinion of the uninformed. As this is your belief, it will be difficult for contrary evidence to get through your preconceived notions. I have several unmarried, single friends are they are so far from your description. Your dilemma of not having well adjusted female relationships could have several causes according to the stereotypes; "birds of a feather flock together, we attract who we are in our lives, misery loves company, and I could go on. My richest relationships have been with stereotypical black woman who refuse to be defined by the stereotype. They are all marriageable! You just may need a better class of friends, famlly, co workers and associates. Perhaps even take off your "tinted shades of judgment" so you can see more clearly. Your conclusion supports your opinion, but still lCka a basis in fact...that is why they call it an opinion piece. I agree to disagree with your steretypical premise.

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      Martyr for Marriage 6 years ago

      Your response is a sign of immaturity. I am not talking about white women. Nagging, stabbing and complaining are not the same as being disagreeable. Many black women don't make it to the alter to become a nagging wife. I stand by my piece. It is our disagreeable natures that cause many black women not to marry or stay married. Pay attention.

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      Journalistmommy 6 years ago

      Maybe the problem is with women who don't have positive role models in general, not just BLACK women. I hear white men joke all the time about nagging and complaining wives, but we're not pointing the finger at all WHITE women, calling them disagreeable. I see shows all the time where women stab their husbands to death and bury them in the backyard, cut off their penises or shoot them in their sleep. Yet we don't say ALL white women are unmarriageable. Every woman is different. I think that there are a number of factors that account for low marriage rates in the black community, but pointing the finger solely at the black woman is destructive and damaging.

      And I stand by my assertion that "black women have an attitude" is not a reason to write off every black woman as unmarriageable.

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      Martyr for Marriage 6 years ago

      You are right, it is my opinion based on real-time, real-life experiences. Yes, we are a hurt people in general, but it is not up to anyone but the individual to learn to become lovable. The black is in the same boat, it is ridiculous to expect him to know either, for he has not had the same father figure that black woman has not had. Woman have to get help with their issues. You can't live long with a disagreeable spirit, I don't care how much love and compassion you show to most black woman, they can find something wrong with that if they have a disagreeable nature. You know I'm right. So, do yourself a father and deal with your father issues properly so you don't have to expect anyone us to replace what you never had.

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      Journalistmommy 6 years ago

      First of all, thanks for adding the disclaimer that the following is just your opinion and not fact. Oh wait, you didn't do that.

      I'm so tired of people pointing the finger at unmarried black women and picking us apart for our perceived shortcomings. Blacks, in general, have come from a troubled legacy of disjointed families. Many black women have grown up without a father in the home, and thus have no idea what a successful marriage looks like. Many carry feelings of rejection from their absent fathers and lack of love from male father figures. Black men should be aware that just by the virtue of her past, black women have an uphill battle to get past. A GOOD man will be by her side throughout what you call her "disagreeableness."

      When someone is least lovable is when they need love most. Instead of heading for the hills, a GOOD man can show his disagreeable and deeply hurt black woman the love and compassion she needs and help to nurture her into the good wife that he needs. Too many black men want instant gratification and you're not going to get that from a lot of black women...

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      martyrformarriage 7 years ago

      It is hard for us to see ourselves. Until we do we will never have the type of relationships we desire.

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      the truth 7 years ago

      Black woman are just plain scary, they don't like to work with their man to get ahead and the attitude my God what the devil is wrong with them? who would want a wife like that? of course this doesn't apply to all of them just a large majority! 70%?

    • MartyrforMarriage profile image

      MartyrforMarriage 7 years ago from Louisville, KY

      By no means am I saying women should not speak their minds. What I am saying is many of us don't know what we want and have the nerve to want to argue about the fact. I am speaking from experience. I am no way a "yes dear" type of black woman, but by the same token I had to learn when to have something to say and when not to. Many other black women need to do the same.

    • MartyrforMarriage profile image

      MartyrforMarriage 7 years ago from Louisville, KY

      By no means am I saying women should not speak their minds. What I am saying is many of us don't know what we want and have the nerve to want to argue about the fact. I am speaking from experience. I am no way a "yes dear" type of black woman, but by the same token I had to learn when to have something to say and when not to. Many other black women need to do the same.

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      Baffled 7 years ago seems as though, (from what you posted) that black women should not be passive...but on the other hand they should not be confident because that is egotistical. Then again, they should be agreeable...but then again if the man is beating you...shame on you for being agreeable. The way I see it. If a brother can't "handle" a black woman, then let him be happy with a white one. What is wrong with that? After all, we all know that black women are just plain evil while white women are angels. They have no issues at all and are the perfect mate for a black man. So let the brothas be happy with one of them. Nothings wrong with that. Moreover, many of the black women who are not married are also not depressed as people would like to me. Not all of us even WANT to be be married. There's a severe shortage of black men with the prison system, gay, DL, black on black murder and ABORTION. It is taking a toll. So the few that are left, if they want a white woman, but all means let they have one. Life is too short to be with someone you can't get along with. It's also too short to be depressed about not having a black man for a husband...that's for real.