Why Daddy Why
Because Of You
Alice J. Bard
WHY DADDY WHY
I could never understand or make sense of why as a child my dad allowed me to feel so much pain and devastation as I was growing up, and still to this day the torture I have sustained haunts me as an adult. I'm going to share my life experience with you all in hopes that a father will read it and never put his child through what I've been through or experienced.
It all started in 1977 I was just four years old, my mom was going to college to become an RN and my Dad had a job working for IBM. We were at that time a very loving and happy family,we were financially stable and couldn't want for anything. Then horrible things began to happen, my dad wasn't coming straight home from work like he used to he would come walking in the door at 2 AM in the morning smelling like an alcohol factory and his hair would be messy and his clothes weren't on him properly. My mom knew he was with other women because he would smell like there perfume and he would also have marks on his body that my mom didn't place there.
For a very long time my mom tolerated what was going on and never said a word to him about it because she didn't want our family to be destroyed. One night my mom decided that enough was enough and she started packing us up to leave ,but she waited to long my dad came home and had seen that my mom was taking us and leaving, my dad ran upstairs and got a shotgun, he loaded it and came down stairs, cocked the gun and held it to our heads and told her that he would kill all of us if she left. My mom fearing for her life and ours decided to not leave and stay. Shortly after this incident is when the beatings started occurring on a nightly basis.
My dad would come home from his night of drinking and would yank my mom out of bed while she was sleeping and just start beating her knocking her to the floor and proceed to violently kick her, I would sit at the top of the stairs watching in horror,crying quietly so my dad wouldn't know I was there. I was just a child and did not understand so I did not know what to do.
Neighbors, family and friends knew what was going on but no one did anything to help, everyone just turned there heads and looked the other way including the police. The police would always tell them, were not going to arrest anyone just try to work it out and no more hitting your wife.You see abuse back than wasn't a huge thing like it is today.
Finally the day came and my mom couldn't take the abuse anymore she was physically and mentally exhausted, she was tired of my dad prostituting her out to his friends so we could have money to make him happy, because he lost his job do to his drinking so she left and unfortunately to save her life she had to leave us behind. My mom attempted several times to get us back but do to the mental abuse my dad put her through she was mentally uncapable of taking care of us.This is when my life became hell and at the age of 5 when I wished I was never born. My dad would go out every night to drink and be with his lady friends' so he would have my uncle watch all of us. Then it started happening the nightmare began, while I was sleeping my uncle would come into my room and carry me into my father's room and would lie me on my dad's bed and started doing things to me that no child should have to go through. These episodes would happen all the time and last for hours and hours, the pain was unbearable, the fear takes you over, you lie there emotionless because it makes you empty inside. The hate you feel inside overwhelms you and you just want to hurt that person but you're just a child and there strength over powers yours.
I never told anyone about what was happening I was to scared to ,I thought I was the one at fault and if I told my dad I thought he would beat me like he did my mom. To my surprise my dad knew because my dad asked me to go to his room with him and I told him no because I knew what was going to happen, my dad said to me," oh you can f***k your uncle but not me?" and he told me he would take one of my sisters or brother and I told him no you wouldn't because I'll kill you. Now that I am grown I couldn't understand why my dad didn't do anything to protect me I always thought," isn't a dad supposed to protect his family and keep them safe?", but then I realized how could he have protected us when he was doing the same exact thing.
Well as years past and my uncle was molesting me and my dad was molesting my other siblings God sent me an Angel from Heaven and her name was Alice Bard ,her daughter Vicki and I became the best of friends. I felt safe with them and told them everything about the beatings, the molestation,my dad killing our family dog intentionally, not being able to go to school due to the abuse. I think at first she found it hard to believe until she started seeing the fear in me on going home and saw how I always wanted to be at her house. I thank her so much even to this day for constantly calling CPS and the cops, it took along time but the day finally came and I was 8 years old and CPS took us away from that horrible man that I use to call my dad.
Today I'm a stronger person for the trauma I went through as a child. Every so often the past bothers me but I will not let it get me down, I thank God for the person I am today. There is a song that is sung by Kelly Clarkson entitled "Because of You" that reminds me of my life when I was a child. The difference is , in the video my mom walked away and allowed us to go through the torment and torture that we endured. I have forgiven since then and we have became quite close however it has taken years to overcome the anger and pain that I had endured as such a young age. I still cry when I think about it and it opens up wounds that should be healed but if I can save one child, it is one less that will endure the abuse and pain that I have gone through.