Four Reasons for Avoiding the Second Marriage
"Many people . . . rush into another marriage for the wrong reasons or before they've figured out what went wrong the last time," according to Jim Duzak, self-styled Attorney at Love.
The divorcees who supplied the reasons for this article seem to be more cautious than most. They have been divorced for ten years or more, some for almost twenty. Except for fear, their reasons are very different from the reasons of the never-married who contributed to Why Did I NOT Get Married? They are definitely not rushing; in fact they lean toward avoiding marriage the second time. Considering the Divorce Rate statistics below, we can understand their caution.
- First marriages (neither person has been married before) between 40 and 50%.
- Second marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married once before) the rate jumps to between 60 and 67%.
- Third marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married twice before), the rate jumps even higher to 70-73%.
from Utah Divorce Orientation (Copyyright 2016)
The reasons are compiled by merging the opinions of two or more people. We can learn from the contributors, and not give in to the temptation to judge them. We may even be encouraged to view singleness more positively than we did before.
(1) A Different Kind of Fear
In this batch of reasons, there is no mention of naivety, asexuality and different faiths which featured in the previous article. The first time it was the fear of uncertainty. This time the fears are:
- fear of repeating failure;
- fear of seeming foolish—not being wise enough to learn from their mistakes;
- fear of proving that they were the bad apples in the first marriage;
- fear of the probability that they could be habitual offenders.
Following are some of their fear expressions:
- I am afraid to have another person blame me for ruining his/her life.
- I’m looking for an upgrade on the last spouse I had. I’d be embarrassed to enter a second marriage thinking that I found what I wanted, only to discover that I have been duped the second time around.
- The first time was rough. The real hell was not the marriage, although that was terrible; it was the near-insanity situation after it ended. I couldn’t survive that if were to happen again.
- I'm not sure if my ex-spouse will marry again, and if the stepparent will be kind to my kids. I want to stay single so my house could always be a house of refuge and retreat for them.
- I'm afraid to get trapped again in a marriage relationship while I am still meeting other people I want to spend time with. That messed me up the first time.
(2) Issues with Finances and Children
Some feel inadequate to add to the financial responsibilities that come with additional children:
- I fell in love with another woman who could have been my second wife, but she could not wrap her head around losing half my income to child support every month.
- Marrying again would mean including someone else in the will, and that might damage my relationship with the children.
- (From a mother): I'd rather be alone, trying on my own to make ends meet, than to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder at a man, and possibly his sons, to make sure that they treat my daughters with respect. Protecting my children is my priority, and I prefer to live without a man in the house.
- (From a father): I will not marry again unless I marry someone younger, but that introduces a problem I don't want. A younger person probably has children in the house. I have already raised my children, and I don't want to the financial burden of raising other children a second time around. This is my time to relax without screaming kids, arguments about curfews and paying for extra lessons.
(3) Desire for Freedom
Some express fear of losing the freedom that comes with being single, or of finding themselves trapped with the wrong person—again.
- Sometimes I get lonely, but I’d trade the hell I used to live in for my freedom from bondage any day.
- My closest friends are other divorced males and females. It is pretty much the consensus that we maintain uncomplicated friendships without expectations and obligations. I could live with that.
- I have a new appreciation for freedom. Second time around, I won't risk losing it just because I like spending time with someone—who may change and, in the process, change my desire for that's person's company.
- Stoplights on the Way to Second Marriages
Looking for a second chance at love? The following tips are like stoplights on the way to second marriages. Stop, look, listen and plan what to do if you foresee any of these four possible hazards.
(4) First Love Syndrome
Some are unable to let go the sentiments they found satisfying in the first marriage:
- Marriage loses its significance after the first time. The solemnity and symbolism can never be re-created.
- My spouse died and I have difficulty allowing anyone else to share that space. I could still feel the bond of love between us.
- I still have feelings for my ex, although he cheated on me with my best friend. I wished somebody told me I could forgive him; I would have taken him back before he married her.
- It would be a waste of time trying to love anyone as much as I loved my ex-spouse; and I refuse to marry except for love.
Counsel Worth Watching
The reasons expressed in this article are real; but no two people have the identical experience. There are still many second marriages that work.
To the married-once-not-again, "You can still live happily ever after if you trust God, cherish your friendships, and live purposefully."
To those who decide to attempt a second marriage, proceed cautiously. Get counsel. The article linked above and accompanying video may be helpful.
Either way, find the joy of living within your single self, and make the pursuit of your purpose a priority.
© 2011 Dora Weithers