- Gender and Relationships
Why Do Some Women Spend Most of Their Lives Dating Married Men?
According to popular reports, most married men do not leave their wives for the other woman. When most choose the other woman, it is after their wives leave them because of their infidelities. Only a small percentage of these second marriages survive. There is a BIG message in this, but that message is often very difficult for the other woman to grasp, mostly because she does not want to. Some spend years, even decades, wasting their lives, waiting, choosing to be at a standstill, accepting the short end of the stick just for a cheap thrill of an unfair hunt. Is it low self-esteem, lack of skill in getting an uncommitted man, or is it love? What kind of true love is founded upon wrongdoing? Whatever is the other woman’s motive, she, too, is a cheater. Aside from cheating the man's wife, she cheats herself badly.
Senseless Waiting, An Addiction
What causes a woman to wait for years for a married man to make up his mind to marry her, just to discover that he never intended to do so? Answer: a woman who has been blinded by a semblance of love, and has not yet fully realized her self worth. Even if he leaves his wife and marries her, she will always know that he is stolen "love." Many married men promise for years that they will divorce their wives knowing full well that such a step is far from their minds.
Where is the pleasure in hiding and always looking over one’s shoulder in fear of being seen by the wrong person? There are many to be avoided. Where is the comfort of freedom and dignity when there is a constant reminder that the daring pair is actually stealing? Every part of their normal lives is affected by their secret affair. They must be extremely selective with family, friends, social gatherings, shopping centers, grocery stores, and nearby theatres. There are many places and functions that they cannot attend together (i.e., family dinners, family reunions, and funerals and weddings of close relatives and friends.)
The infamous couple must reduce their morality to lying to their spouses, bosses, and friends when they want to spend time together. Everything they do has to be unfair and stolen as if they are criminals. This is the life of cheaters, the choice they have made for themselves.
Lies and Broken Promises
To keep his mistress submissive and under his spell, the cheating husband will tell her lies that she wants to believe as truth. He may say that he sleeps in the guest room at home, or his wife has lost interest in sex. He may break promises because he has two lines traveling in different directions. It is not easy for him to manage more than one relationship.
The cheater wants the other woman to feel that he is all hers. Because she is the other woman, and is aware of his deception toward his wife, she may feel that she has the upper hand over the wife who is often in the dark, but this man works overtime to concoct lies and various other deceits to keep her ignorant as well. This man is in this game to entertain and please himself, and she is but one of his pawns. The lies become habitual, and every one needs another to support it, thereby, creating a domino effect. This may continue throughout her relationship with him. In the recesses of her mind, she may know what is going on, but she finds a false sense of comfort in remaining in denial.
Wasted Days and Lonely Nights
The other woman cannot have that married man to herself every time she wants him. He has to play the good father and husband enough to prevent his wife from becoming suspicious. The mistress, or girlfriend, is expected to understand, for she has been conditioned to wait. After all, he is not her husband no matter how often she tells herself, "He is my man." She will have lonely holidays with a few sneak moments that he can manage to have with her. If she is "lucky," she may be able to go on that three-day business trip with him; otherwise, he is wanted and needed at home with wife and children, and he does not want to run the risk of losing his family. He may not be able to see her on special occasions, so, he sends beautiful flowers and a promise. The other woman will have lonely evenings and nights that are slow and uneventful because he has run out of excuses for staying over. That occasional overnighter, once padded with lies to the wife, is rare. When he does manage to give her more time, she is so happy to see him that the loneliness is soon forgotten. So, she continues to grow stronger in accepting the short end of the stick, the wasted and stolen moments.
A False Sense of Happiness
Yes, there are happy moments during an illicit relationship like cheating, but they are often short lived before the waves of guilt begin an occasional trek through the mind. The forbidden couple is reminded by that nagging pain more times than they are willing to admit, even to each other, that their relationship is wrong. Occasionally, they may talk about it. This experience is often the primary reason that the husband or the girlfriend/mistress will grow tired and end the relationship, sometimes after many years, but mostly after only one day to a few years.
A Rude Awakening
Some cheaters do end up divorcing their spouses and marrying each other. The secrets, hiding, and lies are over. That is a big relief to the couple who spent so much time worrying about the consequences of discovery during their courtship. Now, all of that is behind them. Unless the couple is of low morals and not inclined to believe that adultery and alienation of affections are wrong, or the Biblical teachings about the grounds for divorce are meaningless, that ruthless guilt will resurface and taunt them time and again. They may not readily share these feelings because they do not want the other to worry or begin feeling the same. Some cheaters, males and females, have reported ending their relationships after they were diagnosed with a terminal illness because they did not want to meet their maker with someone else's spouse. Few times these marriages last, but most of them, according to popular studies, dissolve because of the “demons” that they are unable to get around (i.e., guilt, lies, distrust, shame, problems concerning children of the previous marriage, etc.) A small percentage of these relationships survives. How encouraging is that?
16 Reasons Why a Woman Should Not Date a Married Cheater
1. He does not respect marriage.
2. If the other woman becomes his wife, it would be her turn to have a cheating husband and his turn to have a cheating wife.
3. It is stupid and exhausting to try to keep the affair from leaking, and she would be cheating herself of freedom.
4. The chance of him committing to a future with her is very slim.
5. He would be using her “to have his cake and eat it too.”
6. She may not be the only other woman, and he will not feel guilty because she is not his wife.
7. He may never trust her because she dates married men.
8. If his wife finds out, he may blame her, the other woman, for seducing and trapping him.
9. She would be wasting her time, beauty, and life that she cannot get back.
10. She would damage her self-esteem and lose the respect and trust of others.
11. She may weaken her chances of finding a man who wants to love and trust her as a level-headed woman.
12. Other women, even friends and family members, may not trust her around their men, and they may not have the heart to tell her that her presence makes them uncomfortable.
13. She could get pregnant and become a single parent; if she is married, she could have a child that is not her husband’s.
14. She would be joining forces with him to hurt their families and others.
15. She may grow to realize the error of her decision when it is too late to save herself and others from the damages of an affair, including the possible loss of her own husband and children, if she is also married.
16. Because she may neglect to build a life around a family and trusting friends of her own, she could find herself alone, regretful, and very lonely during the golden years of her life.
Can a marriage have a Cinderella effect? Yes, it can! They usually do, at the beginning. Now, the ending of the marriage, or the life together, if the marriage lasts, may be an entirely different story. Remember, CINDERELLA ended at the beginning of the Prince and Cinderella's marriage. We do not know the obstacles they faced as they worked hard to keep their love and devotion alive. Surely we know that they must have had problems. Of course a wicked witch must have tried to match the prince with a beautiful, but not so nice, woman who conspired with her to try to ruin the royal marriage. Maybe the witch tried to cast a love spell on Cinderella as she gazed upon a dashing knight who entered the castle to report to the king.
"They lived happily ever after" helps to keep a fairy tale perfect because the story ends at the beginning, and the readers are not given the life story of the pair. Writers are crafty enough to sell us the dreams that we want to buy, and that is what we get for craving happy endings!
Considering the high divorce rate in some parts of the world today, I get a renewed outlook on marriage when I see an old couple toddling along, smiling broadly like two suns, and supporting each other. At that moment I realize that I am fortunate enough to view a glimpse of the sunsetting of their life together. Beautiful! Then, I wonder how many distractiions each has had with others who might have been a threat to their marriage. Regardless, they survived the pressures and are around to tell their story together--the good, the bad, and the beautiful.
Many women spend most of their lives dating married men because they become addicted to their bad choices. They fall in deeply and cannot see above the quicksand until one of them gathers enough light and courage to recognize the relationship for what it is and ends it. A small percentage of these relationships lasts. When they are over, the girlfriends, or mistresses, will be back where they ended their real lives and began their wasted lives; then, they will be in a position to pick up with a level head and a better sense of direction. Getting over a cheating affair is not always easy, due to the addiction, but it is quite possible to overcome like any other poor relationship. The outcome could very well be beneficial to all affected. Hopefully, the recovering ones realize that they are doing the right thing even if it is difficult.
The contents of this hub are not designed to serve as professional advice to anyone who has dated a married person or anyone that such a relationship has affected. It is designed to share research findings, personal experiences, and any insight that commentators volunteer to share. Anyone in need of help or guidance after experiencing mental trauma brought on after dating a married person or experiencing repercussions from such a relationship should seek professional counseling. The author wishes you wellness and happiness.