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Why Is My Husband Cheating on Me?
Why is He Cheating on Me?
How many women have asked themselves that question? Perhaps, I am lucky. I'm not married, but I come in contact with lots and lots of married couples. Often I work with them together, sometimes individually. I have learned a lot.
Some husbands cheat. Period. It's in their genes. No, I'm not making excuses for unfaithful men. I'm just saying that science has found a gene in some men that show a propensity for cheating on their wives or girlfriends. Let's hope that discovery does not become a defense. And, it certainly is not a good excuse for bad behavior.
Some wives will blame themselves for a cheating husband. Since I began working with families and individuals, assisting them in nutrition, health and fitness, I have heard every excuse under the sun for men cheating on their wives. Sometimes I feel like a bartender or a hairdresser. I am amazed at how much personal, very personal information people will share during a workout or as we plan family meals.
I have seem wives beat themselves up emotionally and lose all self-esteem when they discover that their husband has taken a lover.
I began listening to men and women as they talked privately about their unfaithfulness or their unfaithful husband. Thank goodness for all those degrees in psychology I worked so hard for and for so long. I have tried to avoid clinical psychology as a profession, but it comes in handy from time to time. I have learned to listen and observe.
So, the question of the day is "why is he cheating on me?" and "what can I do about it?"
What the Men Are Saying
Most of the men who have owned up to an illicit affair, be it a one night stand or an ongoing relationship, have the same litany of excuses.
- Doesn't have time for me
- Is always talking about work. What about me?
- Spends all her time taking care of the children. There is no "us" time.
- Talks to her friends on the phone all the time.
- Spends hours on the computer.
- Is always complaining about something as soon as I walk through the door."
- Never kisses me any more. If I don't initiate sex we don't have it.
- Blames me for not making enough money.
- Looks like hell. She was beautiful when we married.
- Is a mother now. I feel like I lost my wife.
Those are just a few of the actual comments I have heard from men.
As you can tell from the comments, the husband is not assuming any responsibility for his straying ways. All the comments, at least 99% of them, start with "my wife..." and is completed with something "she" is doing or not doing.
Excuses Only Satisfy Those Who Make Them
I learned that from my mother. There is quite a bit of truth to the saying. Cheating men make excuses for their behavior. And, in most cases, human nature being what it is, it is always easier to blame someone else for our own shortcomings and failures.
While few women today are as dependent on having a man to support them or the family as they were in days gone by, the truth is that the man still possesses a male ego. Male egos need to be stroked from time to time.
Another truth is that there is always someone waiting in the wings to stroke your man's ego --- at least in the short term. While being unfaithful is definitely a maladaptive behavior, it may not hurt the wife to take away some of the excuses and build a well oiled working relationship with the husband before his eyes begin to stray and he starts looking for excuses.
It must be said that no woman is to blame for a cheating husband. The very least he could do would be to tell his wife that he has an interest in someone else so together they can decide if their relationship is worth working on. However, most often that isn't going to happen.
A Note to Women
We have all heard the excuses men make for straying. Head them off at the pass. Don't give the man in your life the opportunity to create an excuse to be unfaithful.
"The wife is always the last to know." Oh, please! That is nothing but bull. The wife may be the last to admit to herself that her husband is cheating, but she knows. Again, I go back to something my mom taught me. "Have the courage to face your truth. Then, live it." If you feel as if your husband is cheating, he probably is. There will be signs:
- Working late at the office
- Private phone calls that pull him into another room
- Leaving the house on a flimsy excuse after getting a phone call
- Hiding the credit card bills
- Working out at the gym longer than usual, especially if he has a new interest in creating a new physique
Women know. They just know. Once you know, the choice is yours. Live with it or confront him. But, do not hide the truth from yourself.
There are a few things a woman can do to rekindle her husband's interest:
- Greet him when he gets home as if you are happy to see him. Do not start the conversation with "the washing machine broke today" or "I am so tired I could just fall over" or the other usual things that slap the face verbally or tell him tonight is not the night.
- Go to the gym with him. Or, engage in an activity that interests him. Maybe get him interested in a couples' yoga class. (One of my favorite books is Lovers' Yoga. Get fit and get romantic. Trust me on this one, this is a book of love and fitness.)
- Plan a special dinner for the two of you one night a week --- no kids. Send the to grandma's house.
- Once in a while, do not be a wife, be a lover --- just like before you got married.
- Do not make up excuses for not having time for him. Remember, excuses only satisfy those who make them. That goes both ways.
Some men are going to cheat no matter what you do. Some men need a little extra attention and occasionally need to feel as if they are the number 1 person in your life. Remember the wedding? He was #1 in your life that day.
Remember that your husband works in an office with women. The only time he sees them they are dressed up, have on make-up and high heels (men love high heels). They are not whining about broken appliances or sick children. They are playing to your man and to your man's needs.
For the men: The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. Then you realize it has to be mowed, too.
For the women: Your husband was your lover before you married him. Make him your lover for life --- even after the children arrive.
Some men would never consider cheating on his wife and family, no matter what. And, once again.... some men are going to be unfaithful to anyone they marry ---ever.