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Why Are So Many Relationships Unhealthy?

Updated on October 5, 2020
Danyelcarinzia profile image

Some advice from many relationships, good and bad. I reflect on my own experiences, no names mentioned.

Many relationships are as healthy as a line of snow and three drinks for breakfast. Explore with me why so many relationships are unhealthy, how to recognize those unhealthy relationships, and how to avoid them in the future.


I was 22 when I met my girlfriend, at that time, in a club in Mexico. She was a beautiful woman and by far the most attractive woman I’ve had seen thus far .

After the first date and some drinks, we ended up at my place — and had sex, great sex too. We then saw each other regularly for a few weeks.

I still remember a friend of mine saying,

“You two are a lovely couple, you should …”

I interrupted and replied,

“No, I could never have a relationship with her — she doesn’t suit me.”

After four weeks back and forth and lots of drama, we started a relationship. A very unhealthy relationship — with a bad ending for me.

But why did I enter into the relationship at the time when I knew that we weren’t a good fit?

For two reasons,

One, because she was beautiful, and it made me feel great and worthy. I had a lack of self-esteem.
Two, because I thought I couldn’t get to know another woman in the near future.
Both are not good reasons to start a relationship. However, too many people — women and men — start relationships for these or similar or even more inferior reasons.

They want recognition, can’t be alone or think they won’t get to know anyone else. And that leads to a lot of unhealthy relationships, a lot of drama and a lot of disappointments. That’s what happened to me.

Unhealthy Relationships

Many singles feel alone and believe that they lack something — sex, affection, affirmation, closeness, security, love.

Too often, the urge for these feelings is so strong that as soon as a person appears who can even slightly begin to meet these needs, we jump on the opportunity. It doesn’t matter whether that person suits us or not as long as we satisfy our appetite.

I know too many men — also from my circle of friends — who only have relationships so that they can have frequent sex. I also know some women who only engage in relationships because they can’t be alone and who need affection, security and recognition from a partner all the time.

That creates relationships that are not based on love, attraction and the desire to be together, but on a need. They occur because we lack something important.

Whether a person suits us is often secondary

We are so overwhelmed with our dependency and longing that if necessary, we project properties onto other people that don’t apply at all.

Suddenly she’s,

  • no longer silly, just spirited
  • not that thick anymore, just a little chubby

and of course,

  • clearly loving, but doesn’t show it.

We literally lie to ourselves that the partner is suitable, ignore what bothers us and thus try to justify our decision logically. However, subconsciously or even consciously, as in my case, we know that this person suits us worse than pickles and chocolate.

Why do these relationships often last long? Out of habit.

We have already invested a lot into the relationship, it’s the fear of being alone. We don’t think we can find another partner, it’s the fear of separation.

Many relationships function to the maxim,

Better that than nothing

But unhealthy relationships drain us of our energy. They are not based on growth, love and the desire to be together, but on wants and needs.

Symptoms Of Unhealthy Relationships

Often our life is so programmed that we don’t even notice that something isn’t going well. Because of that, it’s not always easy to identify unhealthy relationships.

Here are some symptoms of unhealthy relationships.

One of the two partners invests significantly more energy, time and feelings in the relationship than the other. Casual relationships are just routine, work, eat, Tv, and sex 2.7 times a month. The goals of you and your partner differ more and more.

The relationship lives mostly off memories from the past. Moments of affection and tenderness are only available in homoeopathic doses. Your relationship costs you more strength than it gives.

Almost every long-term relationship goes through difficult phases. There are times when people doubt or are dissatisfied with their relationship. That is normal.

However, if you are permanently dissatisfied with your relationship and don’t feel that something will change in the future, you are most likely in an unhealthy relationship.

Healthy Relationships

Unfortunately, healthy relationships are not that common. Relationships that both partners enter into only because they want it and not because they need it.

Both can live alone, both have options, and both are aware of their values, needs and demands. They don’t act out of dependence, but out of the desire to be together.

Both partners could do without the other and be happy, but don’t want that. You have the desire to share your life with another person. They don’t need anything from their partners — and that creates relationships that give both sides strength and where individual freedom emerges.

Then a symbiosis is formed of two appreciative and independent people who are ready to create something, together, and at the same time allow themselves the space to develop individually.

I’m with you because I want it and not because I need it in some way or another — and I know you are in it for the same reason

That should be the only reason why we have a relationship. Everything else means to fool ourselves.

Avoid Unhealthy Relationships

If you are at the moment in an unhealthy relationship, I would advise you to consider your options. It is certainly not easy, but in the end, it is for the better so that you don’t get into an unhealthy relationship again in the future,

You should pay attention to these three things,

Emotional Stability

Only when you are emotionally stable and stop looking for happiness and meaning in life in a partner can you manage relationships on an equal footing. What stops most people from doing that is emotional addiction.

Similar Values ​​And Goals

One of the essential basics for a healthy relationship is that you get involved with the right person. That means that your partner has similar values ​​and goals as you do. If you are looking for a partner and you are dating people who don’t have similar values ​​and goals as yourself, you are wasting your time.

That may sound radical, but having the same or at least similar values ​​and goals is one of the essential requirements for a working relationship.

It doesn’t help you much to have an attractive partner who is excellent in bed if you don’t come to a common denominator with fundamental views about life and the future.

Another important indicator of compatibility is how well you can deal with each other’s weaknesses and negatives. The more you can accept a person’s negative side, the more compatible you are in general. Because hoping or even expecting the other to change is not a good place to start.

By the way, if you keep falling unhappily in love, your values ​​probably play a big role.

Don’t Force Relationships

Apart from the fact that your partner should fit you well, it’s vital that he is as interested in a relationship with you as you are with him.

So it would be best if you didn’t try to force a relationship or get someone into a relationship with tricks and manipulation. It may work in the short term, but in the long run, it’ll backfire.

Many guides provide manipulative tips on how to make other people fall in love with you and how to get them into a relationship.

I want to advise you against even reading that rubbish. A relationship is not about power and control, but about compassion and compromise. A relationship should be based on mutual honesty, transparency, respect and great love, not on games and manipulation.

So if a person doesn’t want a relationship with you, he’s not the one for you. Do yourself a favour and accept that.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2020 Danyel

Comments

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  • Danyelcarinzia profile imageAUTHOR

    Danyel 

    14 months ago

    I appreciate your comment, thank you kindly

  • dashingscorpio profile image

    dashingscorpio 

    14 months ago from Chicago

    At age 22 very few people even know who (they) are let alone know what they want and need in a mate for life!

    The mistake they make is being unaware they're not ready to settle down or get married.

    The average age of a first time groom in the U.S. is 29 and many guys don't get married until they're in their early to mid 30s.

    More often than not men early on "fall into relationships" by accident because they just got "comfortable" with one girl. They weren't (looking) for a girlfriend or wife especially at age 22.

    A similar example to your story about intentionally getting involved with someone you (know) isn't your type happens daily!

    Imagine a guy at a cocktail party having a great conversation with a drop dead gorgeous woman. They're flirting and laughing then suddenly she asks to be excused as she is going outside to smoke a cigarette. This guy HATES the smell of cigarettes and yet he chooses to go outside with her and continue the conversation. Why? Because she's "smoking hot" looking!

    Fast forward a couple of months later they've been dating for a few weeks and he starts to complain about her smoking while in (her) house! He lectures her about how unhealthy it is to smoke and yet he knew she enjoyed smoking the first night he met her!

    The moment he learned she smoked he should have moved on. Women are also guilty of "taking on projects" whereby they have an agenda of hoping to "change their mate" into what they really want over time. This leads to frustration on your part and resentment on the part o your mate.

    Very few people are walking around with one hand raised in the air screaming: "I'm looking for someone to change me!"

    Most people want to be loved and accepted for who they are.

    During our youth we allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate our relationship choices.

    It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

    Simply put most young people don't have an actual mate selection/screening process and must haves list they adhere to. They simply just go with the flow and try to make the best of a situation after the fact. Over time we learn to "date smarter".

    With each failed relationship, heartache, or betrayal we are presented with an opportunity to craft or refine our mate selection process and "must haves list".

    Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

    Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".

    Nothing happens until you say "yes" to someone. The only thing all of your failed relationships have in common is (you).

    When (we) change our circumstances change!

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