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- Relationship Problems & Advice
Why People Chose the Wrong Partner
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to [always] end up with the wrong partner in their relationships? If you have, then most likely you must have observed that there seem to be some factors that will always contribute to such happenstances and this hub is going to highlight on some of those obvious reasons why such things happen.
And if by chance, you have already been once bitten in a bad relationship, you might just be able to identify where you might have gone wrong so as to avoid repeating the whole mistake all over.
Similarly, if you are about to take that big leap, the following discussion might help you in one way or the other to make a careful choice so as to avoid making that costly mistake.
In my own opinion, many people end up with the wrong partner because of the following reasons:
Many people go into relationships with so many high expectations but in the end those expectations turn out to be, much to their chagrin or disappointment, nothing but mere unrealistic and unimaginable expectations!
These people imagine that their partners would be perfect in all ramifications. They expect their partners to be faultless. They expect their partners to be the perfect lover and they paint a picture of some unrealistic qualities for this partner.
They want a partner who will never hurt them in anyway, someone who will always be there for them to care and cater for them, to protect and look after them all the time, to make wonderful and sweet love to them all the time, to tell them how great they are, to provide for them financially all the time, to reassure them all the time how much they love them and how much they are going to miss them should something happen.
The clear problem here is the problem of seeking perfection coupled with that latent but dangerous undertone of selfishness as such desires can easily make one to focus only on what s/he wants out of the relationship without much consideration of other factors like what his or her partner really wants because such expectations can also become a great source of burden to their partners, if care is not taken.
Granted, it is not a bad thing to have so many high expectations when going into a relationship because that is exactly what a perfect relationship is all about but then we actually start creating problems for ourselves when we allow our awesome imaginations and desires to overspill into reality to cause a lot of problems for us simply because we may have overlooked the imperfection of humans in the whole relationship thing!
Mind you, I am not in any way condemning seeking perfection in a relationship if that is your choice but I must warn you that many a times, seeking perfection often turns out to be a mirage – a continuous journey into a never ending illusion!
This is why it is always an eye-opener for such people when they finally though shockingly discover that their partners were only humans with so many shortcomings and at that point, it suddenly dawns on them that all their hopes have been dashed.
But the deep sense of being unfulfilled or unsettled or being deceived might not easily go away as one or both partners in the relationship starts seeking for something more ideal or suitable outside.
And once this happens, you don’t need any soothsayer to tell you that this is a very bad sign which will take the best of human sense of reasoning, understanding and ability to adjustment to bring things back to normalcy, that is if ever, in such a relationship.
Lust and misplaced priorities
Lust has a way of beclouding people from thinking clearly by bypassing our normal logical reasoning abilities and replacing it completely with emotional thinking which has proved on most occasions to always be somewhat biased.
When lust is wholly in place, be it lust for money, lust for sex, lust for power, lust for fame and even lust for status; the resultant effect in the end is always the same – the wanton craze for satisfaction derived from immediate gratification!
The problem therein is that once this lust is satisfied, people tend to lose all interest and you might just wake up to discover that after all, you were trapped with the wrong person all along.
For some unknown reason, people love fantasy so much. Maybe it’s because fantasy brings along with it the all forms of nice imaginations and best wishes and dreams of fanciful mental images which can prevent us from seeing the reality in calling a spade a spade.
Fantasy helps us in a way to avoid thinking about pains and the harshness of life itself which is something the truth will never do for us because the truth can make us to focus on the unpleasant or ugly aspect of the reality which often brings us a lot of disenchantment.
Fantasy is all about a hope for something better to come. Self delusion, similar to unrealistic expectations, is responsible for people in relationships seriously praying and hoping that their partners will simply wake up one day and change from their bad or unacceptable ways just like that where they should be seriously and actively seeking for solution to their present problems.
And the biggest problem with such a situation is that once we are trapped in that cycle of hoping for a better thing to come tomorrow, we may not be able to see the damage that is already being done in our relationships – until maybe it becomes too late.
Not knowing what you want (in the relationship)
This is one of my top advice for anyone going into any relationship, partnership, academic or even any business venture: Always try as much as possible to know exactly what you really want.
This disposition can save us from lots of trouble most especially when doubts and confusion starts to set in. When you actually know what you want, you will find out that things seems to become much more easier for you simply because you have already made some mental preparations or arrangement towards the outcome of that very situation.
In other words, you already have an idea of what to expect which lessens the problem of disappointments, shocks and regrets, should that ever occur.
But the problem is that most people who actually go into a relationship do so simply because they know others who are doing so and those people seem to be so happy and they immediately assume that is exactly what they also want for themselves too while forgetting that other people’s experience may not always be same with ours at least, all the time. They don’t want to be left out so they are ready to throw caution into the winds and jump in head first!
Only to end up disgruntled as ever as the pool gradually turns to mud…
Relationships require a certain level of maturity to be successful. Becoming emotionally mature may not be as easy as one might think or wish.
You need to be matured enough to understand the shortcomings of your partner as well as the ability to understand your partner’s idiosyncrasies. Maturity is also needed for one to forgive and/or to correct his partner for their mistakes as well as for their partner to realize their own mistakes and make amends for the survival of the whole relationship.
Immaturity also brings about indecision and certain decisions require committed effort from both partners for its effective implementation. Immature people in a relationship might not be able to make their own decision as they will have to rely heavily on others like their parents or friends to make their decisions for them while forgetting that too many cooks spoil the broth.
Sometimes it happens and two people who are not compatible in any way come together to start a relationship.
Situations like social pressure in trying to conform, forced/arranged marriages, personal or business interests, unwanted pregnancies etc. might spur such relationship into being.
But the underlying fact is that due to the individual differences that are already in existence, there is hardly any way that the relationship will last or even succeed.
This is one of the major reasons why a relationship may not last. Relationships borne out of sympathy are usually awkward.
At first, things might seem right as one party fully accepts the responsibility of showing that very sympathy to the other party but the problem with relationships built upon sympathy is that is not a mutual thing as there is always that feeling of inequality that might just creep in at one point which makes one party to always feel dependent or subordinate or taken for granted.
People who end up together because of one party being sympathetic to the other might not enjoy the thrills and booms of the whole ride. Even the person whom sympathy is being shown upon might not actually like it as time goes on which might even make him/her becoming resentful towards their partners!
This is because there is always the possibility that as one party might start feeling being cheated, the other might start feeling burdened.
The end result of such combination is usually a deep feeling of regret which hampers the healthy development of that very relationship.
Desperate people do desperate things. Desperation has a way of forcing us to concentrate on only one goal in our minds.
Out of desperation, we tend to make hasty decisions that we might not have made assuming we had the time to consider all our options and think through our problems before acting most times, out of impulse of the feeling of necessity or scarcity which can be quite frustrating.
Desperation can also prevent the ability of people in such relationships to allow normal relationship to build. The partners do not have enough time to get to know each other. This will definitely prevent them from noticing those minor quakes capable of ruining any relationship that their partners might have and even find ways around it.
Worse still, desperation can force people into settling for less and nothing could be as bad as that when it comes to building a solid relationship.