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Why are You in a relationship? How do you stay connected?

Updated on February 26, 2020
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Belinda is a psychologist and relationship writer. Passionate about relationships and how to make them work. Let's connect on LinkedIn


Are you sick and tired of stinking relationships?

Do you hop from one relationship to another?

You toil hard to make your relationship work.

But still, all seem not to work.

You feel wasted. You feel like a loser.

You conclude that you have a bad mark. You are the wrong type that will never keep him or her.

That’s difficult, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. The only solution is to get back to the basics. Ask yourself why I’m in a relationship? How do I make it work?

Let's go deep and try to understand why we get into relationships. What makes you connect.

This can be your turning point. It will make you see things from a different angle.


Let's get started.


Why do you want to be in a relationship?

In many relationships, there are only two sides to the coin. What do you want to get from a relationship? And what you want to give?

Relationships are all about giving and taking. For a healthy relationship, you have to balance what you give and what you take. If you give more and take less then there is a knocking problem.
Let's dive to the details of giving and taking

What do you want to get in a relationship?

\Why do you get into a relationship? Here are some good reasons.

  • You want someone to love you and make you feel special
  • You don’t want to be alone anymore
  • You want to have children
  • You want to feel safe and secure
  • You want someone to fill the empty place within you
  • You want someone to make you complete
  • You want someone to take care of your emotion, finance and sexual needs

All the above are valid reasons for what you want to get from a relationship. But you might be wondering. Why be in a relationship that you are not loved. not cherished, not made to feel safe.

What is the point of having a relationship that will not take away your loneliness? It doesn't make you feel okay about yourself? It’s because of what you give. You give what you have. You have love to give. You want to share what you have learned. You want to share your love.


What do you want to give to a relationship?

You give what you have in a relationship. That is to say if you have enough love that's what you give your partner. Likewise, they also share their love with you. Later when you give birth to children or even adopt others. Of course, you continue to share your infinite love with them.

Many believe they are in a relationship to get love rather than to share their love. Likewise, you think that when you get the love you will move away from loneliness. The truth is that the sharing of love brings more joy.

You can’t share love unless you have overflowing love. For instance, our desire is that our partner makes us complete. But we should feel our completeness to them. You want to share your time, laughter, companionship and love. In short, you want to share your life experience that will help your partner learn and grow.

Many of us get affected by many issues that we carry from childhood. They include fears of rejection, fear of engulfment and abuse. What you don't know is that relationships are fertile ground that will help you learn how to heal.

Relationships show us to love ourselves. So they make you feel special and valued.
Relationships help you learn about your fears, and also how to take care of your feelings.

When two people come together only to get love rather than heal, learn and share their love. Most likely the relationship will not last. It will lead to disappointment as one partner will want to get love-filled. While the other partner may not have enough love to share.

So start by filling your love. Love yourself first then you will have enough love to share with your partner.

A relationship is a balance between what you want and what you want to give. If it's one-sided the relationship faces many challenges. In short, you must learn to strike a balance of what to get and what to give for a lasting relationship.


How do you make it work?

You have all the above needs. You have enough love to offer. Your past has made you learn a lot that you are willing to share as a healing process.
You have this partner who gets you feel special, feels secure and safe. But your relationship is strolling. There are no notable steps that you are making. You are still like the way you started.

How do you take the bold step and make it work? Here are tips that will make you stop pussyfooting around. They will help you make the next big move in your relationship.

Creating a better connection

Many people tell you that you need to improve "communication" in your relationship. But it all starts with connection. Communication is the symptoms but the actual illness is connection. How do we build a strong connection? The truth is

  • Intimacy and passion grow dim
  • Fight and conflicts thicken
  • The feeling of singleness takes over

How do we get the connection glue that will not fade with age? Even if you improve "communication" and there is no connection is a waste of time.

How do you plant, cultivate and nurture the connection seed that will see you and partner bear big fruits? Here are seven powerful ways to get it started.

Connect with yourself

To connect with your partner you must first connect with yourself. You must first have overflowing love from within. Note the connection does not come when you are feeling needy and insecure.

Work on your inner self. Get a loving space. Know that you connect with your partner more when you want to share your love. Not only when you want to get love.

Be open to learn

Learning is a continuous process in a relationship. At any given point you learn about love and truth. We learn how to protect against some form of controlling behavior.
When we choose to be open and learn about loving ourselves. Our partner's heart opens. Making us connect. You cannot connect with a closed heart. Above all learn why you make mistakes? And how to clean up the mess? Likewise the same should happen to your partner.

Be present

Being present means you are always there in person or through emotions. Showing your presence improves your connection. Even if you are not there when something is happening. Following up and getting to know the details shows your concern.

When you are there show your presence. For instance, maintain eye contact while talking. Show that you are listening, show that you care about what they say, their feelings and be responsive.

If you find yourself preoccupied when your partner is talking. Do some inner work to find out what you are avoiding. If you want to connect you need to learn to be present.

Focus on your partners value not what you don’t like

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Love to value who you are. Then you can value the essence of your partner. You have to see yourself as you are. When you are open. Not when fears and insecurities trigger many protective and controlling behaviors.

Yet, the learned controlled and protective behavior is not who we are. We are our soul self, our true self which is wonderful and beautiful. This is the first love that we saw in your partner.

Don't focus on your partner's wounded behaviors. They come as a result of fear., uncertainty, stress, and struggles. Focus on your partner's core wonderful qualities. Speak about them and you will stay connected forever.

Have fun and time together

Real connection happens when partners have fun and time together in a relaxed way. Take time out do not discuss your bills, children or your stressing job. This is the time to connect as you used to do it. Have time with your partner if possible when kids are away.

Rekindle your first love. You can have dinner together. Talk a walk together, share interesting stories, cook together. create something together. Hold each other and talk. Watch a funny show together. Play a game together. It doesn't have to be expensive but make it interesting, memorable and enjoyable.

Many partners say "when we first meet they sat in restaurants and talked for hours" You connected, You had fun the whole time. This is what should continue doing.

Support what brings joy to your partner

You easily keep your heart open when your partner supports what you love to do. Supporting your partner's joy doesn't mean you support her addictive behavior. If your partner's behavior is heartful to you----getting drunk or shopaholic.
You need to focus on what is loving to you.

If you find out that you are threatening your partner about their behavior. Spending time alone or with friends. Then your inner value for her is under threat. Supporting your partner to achieve their dream builds a healthy relationship. It makes you stay connected,

Be there for each other

Each one of you is vulnerable. Many triggers from childhood experiences, fears, sadness are haunting you. Sometimes your partner expresses these pains with anger or withdrawal.

Instead of attacking and being reactive when these issues come up. You need to learn to be there with care and compassion for each other. We all need help and support when old wounds get triggered.

Compassionate partners learn to be there for each other even in sad moments. It doesn't mean you take responsibility for your partner's feelings. This might not be helpful. You need to know how to support your partner in helping them deal with painful feelings. When this gets done it brings a lifelong connection.

Over To You

Now you know why you want a relationship. and how to make a lasting connection. In conclusion, do yourself a favor. Go back to the old school way craft a handwritten love letter. I know most of you have forgotten how it”s done. Pen it down and try to connect with your loved one.

You will see how you love will rekindle, ignite and glow back.

Don't forget to share your comments below.


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