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Why are so many single people looking for love?

Updated on November 16, 2012

All the lonely people

The Beatles had a hit with their song Eleanor Rigby that examined the lives of lonely people. It asked "Where do they all come from?"

Today we have what many people claim is an over-populated planet, and yet there are millions of lonely people looking for love and unable to find it. This doesn't make much sense that in a world of billions so many cannot find a partner, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

So why is it that so many are unable to find love and are unable to meet with the man or woman of their dreams? Why are people unable to come upon their soul mates or perfect partners?


The late Janice Pugsley with whom I had my longest relationship
The late Janice Pugsley with whom I had my longest relationship

Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles

Social networking profiles

Look in popular social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace and there are loads of people who have single as their status. People often post that they are looking for love.

I am in this category myself. I know one thing is for sure and that is that good looks, talent, and intelligence are no guarantee of finding a partner. Some people think that money is the key but there are wealthy single people too who have no luck in matters of the heart.

Others say that as you get older it becomes more difficult to find a partner but again this isn't really the case, although with me it does apply. There are plenty of young people who are unable to find love. I know when I was younger I had very little success and the only difference for me personally was I was far more desperate to find someone then, and was emotionally hurt that I was failing to do so when I was younger.

When I was younger my heartbreak led me to take drugs heavily and to drink excessively. I suffered serious depression and my life was a mess.

I have tried both the looking for love and letting it find you approaches and can say that the first works better but does not guarantee any long term success.

There are many reasons people are unable to find partners. In my own case I suffer from acute shyness and fear of rejection, and I would say those are my greatest barriers to finding anyone. I know that rejection makes you think this will happen again and again and can make you give up on even trying to approach someone you fancy.

As you get older you are supposed to become more experienced but in my case it has worked the other way. The long periods I have been single and the less experience I have gained in being in a relationship have not helped me find a new one at all but rather have made me end up thinking I never will again.

I have been on my own now for the last ten years apart from a few dates I have gone on with women on a platonic level. I went out a few times with two lesbian women one after the other before I left the UK and that was frustrating for me because I fancied them. It led me to wonder why I was attracting women who were gay as friends. I never found out why that was.

I have found out that ideas about what makes a person attractive to others are often no more than ideas. For example being tall and blue-eyed is supposed to help your chances but I can't say these characteristics have helped me much. Being a singer and a guitarist is another thing that is supposed to make you a success with women but again I cannot claim to have seen any evidence of this in my own experience.

Compatibility is very important I would say in a relationship. I have only ever finished with one girlfriend and that was when I was in my '20s, and was because I found it difficult to be with her because she would never suggest anything or have anything much to say but would just agree with anything I said. If I asked what she wanted to do she would say "I don't mind."

Elaine was a very pretty girl but we had little in common and I stopped seeing her. I then had to deal with her friends telling me how hurt she was and that made me feel bad and so I decided I would not want to go through this again.

Of the women I have loved and had relationships with at least two I know are now dead so there is no possibility we could get back together in this life.

Feargal Sharkey - A Good Heart (Full Music Video)

Star signs

The most important relationships I ever had were with women born under the signs of Pisces, Cancer and Capricorn. I am supposed to be compatible with Fire signs but have only had one more than just good friends relationship with anyone born under Aries, Leo or Sagittarius and that didn't last long and was way back in the 70s. Neither of us finished with each other though.

I have found I have got used to being on my own. It is not what I wanted but there are many things I have not been able to do or get and have come to understand that this is another.

In my case I have been living with a cat for the last five years so I have a loving companion and I would recommend that all lonely people get themselves a dog or cat because they offer unconditional love and will never dump you for someone else.

I know that there are millions of people out there who hate being single and I do wonder why we have ended up with a world in which so many people cannot find the love they are seeking.

The subject of loneliness and the search for love has inspired many hit songs such as Neil Diamond's Solitary Man, Neil Young's Heart of Gold and Feargal Sharkey's Good Heart.

"A good heart these days is hard to find True love, the lasting kind A good heart these days is hard to find So please be gentle with this heart of mine."

Copyright © 2012 Steve Andrews. All Rights Reserved.

Johnny Cash - Solitary Man


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    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      7 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Hello Mariah! Thank you for posting and sharing something about yourself! Recently I have been thinking that my chances at finding a good relationship are over and to settle for what I have which is my cat as a companion. The last relationship I had with a woman was over 10 years ago and that didn't last. I am a lot older now and not only have got used to being single but have lost what little confidence I ever had in seeking a loving relationship. I have become focused more on sorting my income out and looking for a regular job! If I can do that then I would feel a lot more confident and optimistic!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Hi Bard of Ely, Can you believe it, this is the first time in my live that I'm lookin at a "single date" web site. I agree with you in a few senses, but not all. Let me give you a summery of my personallity of as cancer star sign lady. I'm a caring, giving, home like, creative and loving and unpredictable, intelegent and very sensitive woman. Is this what you really looking for? Yea alright I'm not young anymore, but unlike you I do not prefer a cat or a dog over a human. You should't be so afraid for heartbreak, because you should be able to conrol you're feelings till proven otherwise. Do not open youself for everyone, experience should be at you're atvantage now, and not you disatvantage.As I've mentioned I'm very sensitive, but hell, the more I'm disappointed the more I believe in myself and my believes.

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      8 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Good luck finding it!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I find it difficult to find true love as well. Your story is similar to mine. I think we all have our fears and that's shows how human we are, one of mine is I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, I am curious to be in love and find a good man. The issue isn't about me not loving myself, because I do..nor is it that I have to stop looking because I think you can never stop looking or searching. The issue is about wanting to love and to be in love. I am willing to work on love and give it my best shot, but first the question is where is the guy? I will cross that bridge when I get to it of hurt, pain or divorce if it happens but for now just like you.. I need love.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      because they dnt no wat they got to have to be n a good reltionship

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      8 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you for that great feedback, Jennshealthstore!

    • jennshealthstore profile image

      Jennifer Maldonado 

      8 years ago from Tequesta

      Great Hub! I think that a lot of people are lonely because they refuse to work on relationships that they have. I know that relationships can be hard, but in order to keep any good relationship, you must work at it. So people wind up breaking up looking for something perfect, which will never happen. Then they wind up lonely. Of course every relationship cannot be fixed, but a lot of them can. I learned a while back that becoming open minded is important while trying to find love.

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Astrology was brought into it as an observation that I have mainly had relationships with women under certain signs. I also know I have had a tendency to be attracted to women under certain signs in particular. I think "being particular" is important because unless you share mutual interests and experiences in life there is little common ground. It is very hard having a relationship of any depth with someone who has little interest in what you are interested in. There must be physical attraction too or how can the relationship work on a physical level?

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      9 years ago from Sunny Florida

      This is an interesting hub and I also think a bit surprising as there are so many woman around that I figured you had a girlfriend or wife. That being said, my husband was a bachelor for 10 years before we married. Maybe you are too particular? Maybe you just haven't met the right one. Looks are the initial attractor but that quickly fades into the background and friendship is the most important component in a relationship.

      I don't give much to the astrology angle. My sister is into astrology and she says you can't just look at the month someone is born, but you need to know their rising sign, etc. So you would actually have to have 2 astrological charts with the correct dates, places and times of birth to see if they are compatible. Obviously, this is not something you do on a first date.

      I don't think I helped you out much bur I wish you the best. Good hub.

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thanks for your comments, PV!

    • Pleasure Venues profile image

      Pleasure Venues 

      9 years ago from South West US

      Objectivity and subjectivity: I think we're a culture of voyeurs making analytical presumptions as we all go about with love on our shoulders. I enjoyed reading your hub. Makes me want to go out and assert more "proactively": not in the vein of prowling tho.

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you for posting, loveofnight! In my hubs I try to share my experiences and reality and this happens to be one of them! Like I said I know of plenty of other single people that have the same problem and looks, talent, intelligence and wealth are no guarantees of a successful love-life!

    • loveofnight profile image


      9 years ago from Baltimore, Maryland

      i must say that for whatever reason this is a hub that i never expected from you, i always envisioned you as someone with many women at their beckoned call......i guess i am not the only one on the planet who is unlucky at love.

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you too, Leandraluv! Much appreciated and I hope you are right!

    • Leandraluv profile image


      9 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Oh Bard of Ely, this is a very heartfelt hub. Well written and very interesting to read. Very personal actually. I love 'love' and I think that surrounding yourself with people you love is very important - be it a partner, family and friends etc. Off course with a partner at your side it's much different than friends and family but at the end of the day having people who care for you and who you care for is very essential in my eyes. Please don't give up on love! I am sure you will find someone who will rock your world soon... Good luck and until you find that person..continue just as your are now.. I think you're great!

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you for your feedback, Lemmyisgod, Debbie, Ann and BJ! I appreciated reading your thoughts!

    • BJBenson profile image


      9 years ago from USA

      I think you are just fine.I have had several loved ones in my life that never had someone. I think they were happy. They knew who they were too.Some people tend to lose who they are when they get a mate.I am lucky to have been married to a great guy, (with ups and downs) for twenty five years. We still love each other.But that is not for everyone.

      Wouldn't Tiger Woods been better off if he had not married? Then he would just be a playboy!He made a commitment he couldn't keep. Now the guy is evil. Sad, I doubt he is evil.

      So I think the cat or dog idea is right on.

      Then if you do find love, make sure your pet likes them too.

      Any way, I bet you have a bunch of groupies that follow you around!You're too cool.

    • Ann Nonymous profile image

      Ann Nonymous 

      9 years ago from Virginia

      Good hub and thanks for sharing, ELY. Personally I sometimes wonder why people are always on the hunt for something that I always thought will come to you. Also it's like my mother always says. People were not created for marriage, marriage was created for people. Love, marriage is a wonderful and beautiful thing, I'm sure, but until we learn to truly love ourselves, accept ourselves for who God made us to be, embrace our uniqueness we are probably not ready to love another. That's why many relationships are messed up. We are so discontent with ourselves and life in general that we cannot give ourselves 100% to another.

      Anyways, sorry for rambling, and good job and all the best to you!

    • profile image

      Debbie Kiely. 

      9 years ago

      Hi Steve I do think that for some people to be single is their destiny. Relationships can and do hold people back. I feel you are a free spirit. You have achieved so much with your life. If you had been in a longterm relationship would you have found the time, energy and inclination to pursue the things you have pursued? I feel your path is the path of a seeker. You are one of life's searchers. A searcher needs to be free. To have the time to ask and seek out those important life's questions.

      Everything happens for a reason.

      My mum and dad divorced when my dad was 39. He never married again and only had a couple of very short term relationships. Maybe it was the fear of getting hurt that prevented him from having a longterm relationship. I know that he prefered his own company and he was a free spirit who could not abide anyone trying to control him in any shape or form. He also enjoyed his own company and liked living on his own. With no one to answer too.

      If I found myself single again I think I would remain single. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of someone trying to change or rearrange me to fit into their ideals.

      I wish that you will get what your heart is truly crying out for.

      I also believe that if someone truly wants a partner they will find one. It all comes down to what the heart really wants and needs.

      What I do know about you Steve is that you are a special wonderful soul. Who deserves all the happiness in the world. I know that you have found an inner peace. That is what happiness is all about.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      hi Bard

      I really liked this hub. In my past I have at times been the owner of a lonely heart but fortunately I am very happy now in a relationship after several failed one. Each one I learned soemthing from and so looked for somehting different next time. what I have noticed though is that the people who I have had the most succesful relationships with were the worst at sex. the women I have given a good seeing to and who have craved sex 24/7 were disastrous on a personal level. There is a message in there for all of us I'm sure!

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      I can only hope you are right!

    • profile image

      EnLydia Listener 

      9 years ago

      I am not a psychic, but I have a feeling that someone special is about to come into your life...someday you will be sitting across the table from her...and you will remember this moment and you will tell her, "I have been waiting all my life for you".

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank YOU, Katiem2!I suppose I don't know how to "just get out there and do it." I still have not learned how to.

    • katiem2 profile image

      Katie McMurray 

      9 years ago from Westerville

      Great Hub, It's a common sense point of view and tell me why is it we get so far removed from the basic facts and nature of we the humans, creatures of habit. Bottom line is everybody needs somebody and so why no just get out there and do it. I think it was Dr. King who said, you don't have to see the whole staircase just take the first step. Thanks and Peace :)

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thanks for your feedback, AIDY! Please have a listen to this brilliant song by Kevin Rowland - It's OK Johanna - in which Kevin reflects on what love really is:

    • profile image


      9 years ago


      After I have read this again, you have put a lot of things into perspective. Being alone is absolutely an essential 'soul' finder. Many go through their lives living through other people as I have. There is a sense of accomplishment staying single. You learn to love yourself and allow time for deep reflection. I find that I may encounter a disillusioned lovers or two, lovers who were as I was a few years ago. Never really knowing who truly loved me--or if I truly loved them, or what it was. I guess if I keep asking myself if I ever really loved someone--I never really had. Maybe it is just we are too afraid to experience life and love to its fullest potential due to something in our childhood or our relationships with people we went to school with. I think that has a lot to do with our personal adult experiences. I guess those who are truly made happy by love is due a certain cause of grief.

      For those of us truly pained prior to these types of relationships understand already true heartache and have this tendency to steer clear of it.

      Is this selfish thinking?

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you, CM! The way it's going I doubt if I will ever see London again though. I have been back to the UK only twice and briefly in five years!

    • CMHypno profile image


      9 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

      Hi Bard, sorry to hear that you have had a rough time with your love life, but I'm glad that you have your cat as a companion. Cats are great and make the best pets. If you do find yourself in the London area give me a shout, as I have so many lovely single female friends that I could introduce you to, and if you know of a guy looking for a female, 4,000 year old desert jackal let me know!

    • Bard of Ely profile imageAUTHOR

      Steve Andrews 

      9 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      Thank you for your comments, SimeyC, Ceciliabeltran and Green Lotus! SimeyC, I am glad you found someone!

    • Green Lotus profile image


      9 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      This was exceptional, but I always enjoy your hubs your music selections and your life philosophies. You are a shining soul Bard.

    • ceciliabeltran profile image


      9 years ago from New York

      sometimes people think they're looking but really they are fine the way the are. Getting into a relationship means being willing to change your life sometimes, not people want to do that.

    • SimeyC profile image

      Simon Cook 

      9 years ago from NJ, USA

      Very interesting hub, and personally I think there are more people out there just like you (and me!)- shy and fearful! I actually gave up looking in mylate twenties and assumed that due to my shyness I would be single for the rest of my life -I then found the internet and went on a chat site - I was not looking for anything aside from friends - luckily I found love - the key for me was to stop trying!

      I wish I knew why there are so many lonely people - social networks probably don't help too much as there is a lot of distrust and a lot of 'prowling' married men....and prowling married women....for me the internet kind of isolates you to a certain extent...I was one of the lucky ones!!!


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