- Gender and Relationships»
- Non-Monogamous Relationships
Why does he cheat on me?
Am I too fat? Perhaps you are; Am I a nag? You show signs of it; Am I untidy? You just may be; Do I have bad spending habits? Sure you do; Am I a bad lover? So he says; Am I an irresponsible mother? At times you may be…………………..and the list can go on, and on, and on….
The fact is, regardless of who you are, and what habits you may have- if a man makes a decision to uphold his promise to be in a monogamous relationship with you, he will! In the same token, if he makes a decision to cheat on you- more likey than not, he will follow through with it.
The first thing a woman asks herself upon finding out that her spouse has cheated on her is, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough for him?” Although aspects of a woman’s character may lead her spouse to entertain the thought of being intimate with someone else, the act of following through with it has left many women depressed, overly emotional, lost and at times suicidal.
Most men are very earnest about their commitment when they pledge to honor a monogamous relationship to the end. At the onset of their commitment, most men are aware that the spousal package they have been given contains an abundance of bonbons, a variety of sugar-coated treats and a few sour pickles. As they ravage the bonbons and the novelty of the romance wears off, they are left with the candy-coated treats and the sour pickles. The honeymoon stage is over and the real living begins. They begin to gnaw at the candy- coated treats. In some cases they discover a variety of delightful fillings; in other cases they discover fillings made of fruit that they dislike, nuts that give them allergic reactions, and sometimes they even discover hollow insides. They then ask themselves questions like, “Should I continue eating the candy coatings and discard the insides that I hate?”, “Should I continue to remove the surface of these sugar coated treats with the hope of eventually finding fillings that I like?”, “ Should I just look for a completely new spousal package?”
The fundamental thing that we should understand as human beings is that there is no law of human existence that states that one man MUST commit himself to one woman. As a matter of fact it is a natural basic instinct for us to respond to the urges that surface when our bodies become excited. Different qualities excite humans differently, and this of course applies to both women and men. In an effort to manage a society with some level of control however, we are taught to suppress our urges, to maintain monogamous relationships and to structure our families around these tenets. Nothing is wrong with this. It keeps most of us in check. It works well for the stability of the kids, and it teaches couples to coexist with a sense of mutual support and shared responsibility. Taking all of this into perspective, the one thing we should all be aware of is that when one human being makes a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship with another human being, it is a CHOICE- A choice that some of us take seriously, and a choice that others take way less seriously.
As stated before, when a man decides to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman it most definitely does not make him less attracted to other women. The strongest motivation for making this decision is usually when he finds himself a woman with qualities that he adores, and he fears that he may not find this particular quality- combo in another woman. He makes the promise to be in a monogamous relationship knowing that he does not wish to share his treasured princess with anyone else, nor will he do anything to jeopardize the opportunity to keep his treasure forever. At this point the man decides that the only path to take will be a fair path and that nothing in the world can make him stray from his commitment to the woman he has decided to love. Obviously knowing the true qualities of another person does not come overnight, and very often it takes years before someone truly gets to know his or her spouse.
Other men stay true to monogamous relationships for other reasons- to preserve the integrity of the nuclear family for the sake of the kids, due to religious reasons, because they simply do not wish to take on the stress of having an affair or they literally have their entire life invested in the relationship and they have no desire to shake the structure they have spent a lifetime building. That being said, many men endure half- lived days due to these loveless decisions- some decide to change their stance on this with time; others of course endure it till the end.
And then there are the cheaters!……………A man’s decision to cheat may be fueled by different reasons- His desire for another woman may become overwhelming, and he may choose to pursue the desire with the hope that his spouse may not find out; the persistent advances on to him by another woman may eventually break his walls down; his home situation may have provoked him to the point where he feels the need to seek comfort elsewhere; or he may just be a pig- a guy who wants what he wants and goes after it irrespective of potential repercussions. At the end of the day, women at the receiving end of cheating scandals do not want to hear of the psychology behind the cheater and their emotions often get the best of them. While some women wish that there was a simple way to remove their immeasurable pain, others find ruthless ways to seek revenge. As the quote from William Congreve’s “The Mourning Bride” goes: Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned; Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned.
There are no books or DVDs out there that can tell a woman how to be in a great marriage. In the same token there are no books, blogs, magazines or DVDs out there that can tell a woman how to prevent her spouse from cheating on her. As human beings, the relationships we form thrive on the strengths and weakness of the persons involved in the union. What is good for my spouse may not be good for yours, and the things that turn off my spouse, may switch on the brightest bulb in yours. The most that any woman can do in a relationship is to learn her partner, to be sensitive to his needs, and to find ways to respond to his needs. Needs do not have to be announced to be taken seriously. If you take the time in a relationship to observe your partner, you will discover most of his needs, and if you care you will find a way to do your part in ensuring that they are met. This of course does not take place in a vacuum, as we all need gratification and it is very difficult to expect gratification from a person who is being ill-treated.
If you are a woman who has been cheated on, you may ask yourself, “Will it have been better if he cheated and I did not find out? or “Would it have been better if he just told me that he wanted to leave me or that he wanted to change the status of our relationship?” Will the pain really have been less if he had chosen a different path? The truth is that different answers to these questions work for different people, and there is no one rule of thumb for an entire society when it comes to issues surrounding cheating in relationships.
At the end of the day, men cheat for different reasons- some reasons may have been provoked by their spouses, and some reasons may very well be selfish. Irrespective of the reasons, one fact remains - we have all been blessed with the power of choice. If a man chooses to make a decision to cheat on you, you also have to choice to stay or not to stay in a relationship in which you may be cheated on again.
And the wheels will keep revolving as they must…………………..