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Why is Marriage so Important to Me?

Updated on December 19, 2010

Do I or don't I?

Is this the best it will be?

 I grew up watching the old, musical, love stories with my father.  Every weekend, we'd turn on the TV and watch Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Judy Garland and the rest of the 60's crowd swoon their partners and end up happily ever after.  I grew up believing that my life would eventually pan out like one of these fairy tales.

For some reason, I have been a magnet for men with issues.  Infidelity, anger, mental issues, pessimistic, impotent and immature men.  I am not claiming to be a golden coin myself; however, I used to be well adjusted, happy, optimistic and balanced.  I began life early on as an independent 18 year old on her own; put myself through college, landed a great job right away and was physically fit and mentally ecstatic about my life in general.

The more men I have been with, the more I have disapeered.  I was married once and stuck out a 13 year relationship because I thought that it had to be something I was doing wrong.  When I left, I felt reborn and like God have given me a second chance.  If you consider the men I dated before my marriage, then it was one  of many chances!

I met a few men after my divorce and fell into what I thought was love.  Still waiting for that fairy tale story to happen to me.  I made life exciting and did so much for my partner that I became overpowering and too driven for them.  I tried to make conversation a focal point between us and it sent them running the other way.  I found out I loved the physical aspect of the relationship and I wore them out. 

Yet, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and the level of commitment it represents. 

The man I have been with for almost three years is a puzzle to me.  There are moments when I feel so deeply in love with him that I want to get on bended knee myself and propose.  Other times, I want to smack him in the face with a large frying pan and severe his head from his shoulders.

I just want to feel cherished.  Respected.  Loved...emotionally and physically.  I have a man that is a thoughtful provider in so many ways.  We can laugh about many things.  We enjoy each other's company.  He wants nothing to do with me physically.  Except for an occasional kiss and hug.  He is often moody and excludes me from his thoughts.  He says he loves me many times per day but he doesn't like to express his feelings; rather show them through work around the house and taking care of things.

I feel so screwed up as a middle aged woman.  Gone is the confidant, happy, go getting woman I used to be.  Life has worn me down.  Kids, the job, demands, bills and the responsibilities of having to be the grown up have broken me to the point of not knowing my purpose any more.

I love this man.  I long for him to sit me down and tell me his world is simply me.  I want him to take me in his arms and show me physically that even though I am fat and middle aged, that to him, I am the sexiest vixen he can imagine himself being with.  He is not abusive.  He is just more distant than I want him to be. 

I am told by many of my middle aged friends that I live in a fantasy.  That they continue life with someone they consider their friend but gave up long ago on getting the perks that we had been brainwashed with in our younger years. 

Is this the best it will be?  I've dated quite a bit since my divorce.  I'm not seeing anyone with the qualities that I am hoping for.  My man doesn't want the commitment of marriage either.  He is content with how we live together and wonders why I want to change this.

I honestly feel like jumping into a time warp and wondering if I did things differently in my life, would I still be feeling the way i do now?  Who knows? 

I just hope that anyone reading this and beginning a new venture in life will stop before they leap in and carefully plan out your course.  Good luck.


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    • ljrc1961 profile image

      Laura Cole 7 years ago from Michigan

      What a lovely response; thanks so much! Hugs back to you.

    • profile image

      Me 7 years ago

      I have been married for 14 years, together with my husband for 17 years. I think the idealized version of marriage we see on TV and in the movies is unrealistic and simply untrue. That crazy in love feeling is called Lust, and it doesn't last forever. Most marriages settle into a deep friendship & partnership---best friends. I think what keeps most marriages together is mutual respect, love, and common goals. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and no one is going to feel great about their partner 100% of the time. Marriages also have their ebbs and flows....sometimes things are wonderful, and other times you feel like strangling your partner. That's normal.

      Also men have different communication styles. You said above your partner does things around the house to show his love and appreciation. That is a very manly thing to do! I think we women do that sometimes, we cook and clean and care for our families but it is often a thankless job.

      Have you ever read The Five Love Languages? It's a great book about how people give and receive love. Somties if you have a mismatch between Love Language "styles" it can make people feel alienated from their partner and unloved.

      As long as the good times outweigh the bad, I think you're "doing it right". HUGS!!!!!

    • ljrc1961 profile image

      Laura Cole 7 years ago from Michigan

      thank you Qudsia..I will try

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 7 years ago

      My dear, sometimes things just happen, no matter how much you plan out.

      Do not let the bump on the road keep you from getting back in the race.

      Shrug off all pessimism and try to start a new leaf.

      Being middle aged does not mean your life has come to an end, it means now you are more experienced and will make your decisions wisely.