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Why isn't my man sexually active?

Updated on March 15, 2011

The Other side of the story

I have been asked repeatedly to write ‘The Other side of the Story’ to “Why isn‘t my Wife Sexually Active“, I will attempt to do just that. Men can become less sexually active over the years and some women may wonder why. Because women are thinker’s they automatically assume it’s another woman that is the cause of sexual dysfunction in a relationship.

In some cases this may be true, but it is not an ‘end all’ reason to stop having sex. Since men relate to sex as 90% physical and 10% mental let’s take a look as some of the physical reasons they stop or slow down on having sex.

Over the years some women have been conditioned to thinking that for a man to want sex all they have to do is bring beer and show up naked. In some cases, yes this can be true but is that what you want for a meaningful relationship? Essentially all you are becoming is the typical ‘booty call’.

Losing that Spark?

It happens

Women, it’s time to face the fact that you may be wrong and ask yourself a few questions.  It does happen from time to time.  We as women may think we know it all, but we don't.

Questions to ask yourself

Is your man tired? Does he work 16 hours a day at his job? Is his job physical or mental? Does he have more than one job? All of these things factor in when thinking of sex with a man.

Are you a ‘harpy’? When your man comes home from work do you assault him with words as soon as he walks through he door? Does he even get a chance to take his shoes off before you launch into a tirade of how bad your day was?

Do you hand him the poopie baby as soon as he walks in the door and tell him “it’s your turn, I’m going shopping.” as you wave on your way out the door?

Are you berating him about his job, telling him that it needs to be better paying and if he can’t talk to his boss about a raise you will? Do you brag to him about how much more money you make than he does?

Are you making him feel less of a man? Are you constantly telling him he isn’t doing anything right? Are you pressuring him to perform in the bedroom? Do you demand sex rather than ask for it? After having sex to you berate him for doing it wrong?

Do you even bother to ‘dress’ up for him a bit? Changing out of sweats or your pajamas before he gets home from work can go a long way in making him feel good about what he has done for the family. Sometimes doing your hair or putting on a little makeup will show him that you care enough about his efforts.

Does he work all day only to come home and fix his own dinner while you go out with friends? Do you complain about his friends? Does he even have any friends? Is he allowed to go out with them? Are you refusing to let them come over because you don’t like them?

Has he lost his job?  Is he feeling less of a man for not being able to take care of his family?  Do you remind him of this often?

Is his age a factor? Is he older than you? Would he rather have 1 good sexual encounter per week than 5 quick ones? Sometimes as men age they prefer to take things a little slower and enjoy it more, rather than 'getting it over with' quickly.

Do you initiate sex?

Is sex something that you feel you have to do to placate him?  Do you just lay there and hope it will be over soon?  Do you ask him “Are you going to be finished soon?“ 

Do you ever take the initiative to start a sexual encounter with him?  Do you show him what it is that you would like?  Do you talk to him about things you would like to do differently?  He is not a mind reader, he does not just ‘know’ what you would or would not like.

Emotional shut down

Ladies, after a while men will get just as disgusted with you as would with them if you were treated in the same fashion. Any type of this behavior should not be tolerated in any relationship with anyone. It becomes more of ownership issue than a true relationship.

Men can shut down emotionally as well as a woman. Who wants to have sex with someone who yells all the time, refuses to take care of herself and complains about everything along with being demanding?


Men do want things from a relationship that you as a spouse can provide. Kindness is one of those things. Men don’t always say what is on their mind, but a simple asking them how their day was, will show you care. More than likely they will say “fine” and either let it go or tell you about it later.  Some men are not particularly vocal especially after working all day.

Some men like to experiment with different sexual aids, and in this the both of you can have a little fun. Trying new things can bring back the spark to a relationship. If he offers to try something different, don’t ask him “Where did you learn that?” He may have heard about it from a friend at work or may have read it in a magazine.

Yep, Porno

Most men like Porno, plain and simple. They get sexually aroused when viewing other people having sex. This does not mean they want to have sex with someone else. It just means the act itself is exciting to them. The naked body to a man, is sexually arousing. If they have made it apparent that this is something they like, encourage it. Look at it with them. As a man once told me “It doesn’t matter where I get my appetite, as long as I eat at home.”  What this means is he may get excited somewhere else, but comes home to you to fulfill his needs.

Most men do not consider Pornography cheating, it’s not like they are having sex with the pictures or TV. They are there with you. It’s the same as you fantasizing about him being Brad Pitt, Bruce Willis, Antonio Bandaras or anyone of the other hunky guys in the movies. This does not mean they are having fantasies about the women in the pictures either.

This may just mean they are fantasizing about the actual sex act they just witnessed. If trying something new appeals to your man, give it a whirl. You may like it too.

Some men get involved in the kinky sex, if this is not for you, tell him so. Do not let him go on believing that it is something you enjoy when you don’t. Some men like to wear women’s under things. If you can handle it, buy him some panties for his own ‘special’ time.


Most men masturbate.  Some will admit it, some won’t.  The average for a man think about sex is at least once every 14 minutes per day.  Some men get several erections per day, yet do nothing about it.  Others like to masturbate at any given opportunity.  If you by chance come upon him doing this you can either close the door quietly letting him continue or offer to help him out.  Embarrassing him about a natural function is going to do no one any good.  It will cause resentment towards you and possible sexual dysfunction in the future.

He may be bi-sexual

Because by nature men are extremely sexual creatures, they may even become bi-sexual. Not necessarily preferring other men, but performing sex acts around men will be no problem. As young boys they may have masturbated with friends, and find that something exciting to this day.

This does not necessarily mean he is gay, just that he might enjoy other aspects of a relationship with you. A lot of men find difficulty in expressing themselves so it may take some time getting this out of him.

Open those lines of communication

It is up to you to open the lines of communication with your man. Ask him what he likes, talk to him about various scenarios. The more open you are with them, the more open they will be with you. Tell them your sexual fantasies, but don’t get upset when they want to share with you theirs. You might be surprised at what he is willing to share.

Take him somewhere away from the home to talk to him. Talking about sex in the bedroom is not conducive to a good conversation. He may feel that you are pressuring him to perform at that moment. Don't put him on the spot, no one likes to feel forced to do anything. Take a drive, a walk in the park or even out to dinner. Alone just the two of you. Good conversation is a beginning, to help any relationship improve.

Keeping the communication open is the best way to prevent any type of sexual dysfunction in a relationship. Men as well as women like to feel good about themselves, if you are not making them feel good about who they are, they may go looking elsewhere. Studies have shown that the reason men cheat is because they like who they are when with someone, who makes them feel good about themselves.

If they don't like who they are around you, they may seek those good feelings elsewhere. 

Male Menopause? Yep

If all else fails, you have talked and done everything humanly possible and your man still can’t get an erection, swearing it has nothing to do with you. It may then be time to visit a Doctor. It could be something physical. It might behoove you both to seek counseling from a professional also.

Men go through a type of ‘male menopause’ as well. If you expect him to have some compassion for you, then you will do yourself a favor by having compassion for him as well.

Author's Note

Please keep in mind that I am not a professional counselor, these are my thoughts and ideas that I have garnered from speaking with others regarding this subject.  Reading an article is no substitute for seeking professional help. 


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    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan

      You are welcome!! I tried to hit all the highlights in here, the many reasons there are. I'm sure there is a reason or two that I missed.

      Thanks for stopping by!

    • hus 96 profile image

      hus 96 5 years ago from middle east

      Wow! So true and straight forward.. Thank you..

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan

      You might benefit from a counselor in this. I'm afraid that I have exhausted every avenue in this hub, I have put everything that I know and have discovered in here. It might be time to seek professional help.

      I'm sorry - best of luck to you.

    • profile image

      Megan Beach 5 years ago

      I enjoyed this read. But it did not help me. Cus I read all of it to my boyfriend cus from day one he has not been very sexually active and he says none of it fits him and the dressing nice and makeup I do most of the week but he says he finds me much more sexy without makeup and dressing more down cus he hates makeup and loves it when I'm comfortable. And we talk and listen all the time to each other. So I don't know why he isn't more sexually active. I know I'm well in the mood a lot and can't help it. It gets so bad for me that I throb down there but I'm lucky if we do it once a week sometimes not even that. I asked about the porn but he says that porn don't excite him. I don't tell him cause I don't want to upset him but I cry sometimes cause I wonder if he is even attracted to me. When I asked him he says he is but sometime I need to be touch and carressed and loved on you know actions or just anything and I need more than just words and I don't get that. Any other advice would be great. Email me at

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      Yes it is very complex... Both the male and female aspect of sexuality. Folks for the most part are looking for a place to 'begin'... This is my attempt at giving a jumping off or starting point.

      Thanks for stopping by - your comment was spot on!

    • godfrey profile image

      godfrey 6 years ago from California

      This is a brave attempt at an exceedingly complexified sphere in human life. I say complexified because the complexities are actually manufactured by people themselves. This happens as a function of fear, guilt and shame that people bring to an otherwise natural phenomenon called sexuality. Some of your observations are veritably keen; and your suggestions equally tempered with a reasoned approach. Most women do not know men, nor have they been taught. In America, for example, there is no sexuality education. The assumption is that people will just figure IT out somehow. But also, the puritanist, mechanistic resignation to sexuality defeats and destroys otherwise potentially good relationships. You can not bring repressive ignorance into a relationship without crumbling under its weight. For American relationships to be viable, a lot of counter-intuitive modalities have to be unlearned.

      -Godfrey Silas

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      This is very true.

      Thanks for stopping by.

    • zduckman profile image

      zduckman 6 years ago

      Sex is the barometer in a relationship. Usually if sex is not happening it is a sign that there is a problem in another area.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      You had me when you rode in on your horse!! I always was a sucker for a cowboy!

    • Harlan Colt profile image

      Harlan Colt 6 years ago from the Rocky Mountains



      - Harlan

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      Harlan - Now that just oozed sexuality!! Love it!

      Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life we women forget to tell our men how much we appreciate them as well. Cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids is one thing, but every now and then men need to hear us say those words...

    • Harlan Colt profile image

      Harlan Colt 6 years ago from the Rocky Mountains


      " There are people who ooze sexuality from their every pore."

      yea... that was me when I was younger...I think... now I am more like a fine wine... I think... I hope... lol. Never mind...

      "For the rest of us, we have to work from instinct."

      Yes... I am well aware of those too... never forget tho... you're still very lovable and needed - even when we forget - sometimes for a long time - to tell you so.

      I hereby apologize for mindless, inconsiderate men everywhere, you ladies are awesome, we are better because of you, our lives are better because of you, and Yes... we love you. God bless you. You are special and you do mean everything to us... somewhere under that beer belly and that untrimmed hair - where ever it happens to be, we do appreciate you so very much...

      Thank you :)

      - Harlan

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      Well that is another side of the coin certainly. There are people who ooze sexuality from their every pore. For the rest of us, we have to work from instinct.

      Thanks for your input!!

    • Harlan Colt profile image

      Harlan Colt 6 years ago from the Rocky Mountains

      Maybe its cause you stopped being sexy, and I don't mean physically - but psychologically. (and I don't mean you Sweetsusieg, I mean all women in general) These guys writing in saying sex is 90% physical for men - speak for yourself. A sexy woman is all about attitude, she is focused like a hunter, communicating "I want you" in every little move she makes. She doesn't have to be a Hollywood hottie lookalike, for most men that is not real anyway. No, she can be all shapes and sizes it doesn't matter as much as you women have painted us to believe. What matters is your attitude and your charisma. If you're comin on with right stuff, the right attitude and the right focus... YEA BAYBEE oh YEA... come to papa...

      (turns out the light)

      I gotta go....

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      Laugh Out Loud

    • profile image

      Cookie Policy 6 years ago

      What does LOL mean?

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      @ crystolite - Thanks for stopping by and reading!

      @ Cookie Policy - Well at least we know where you stand on the subject.. LOL

      Thanks for stopping by!

    • profile image

      Cookie Policy 6 years ago

      familiarity breeds contempt, but it also kills the sex drive - at least for us boys anyway.

    • crystolite profile image

      Emma 6 years ago from Houston TX

      Hummmmmmmmmm,really sounds interesting.Cool and educative hub,thanks for writing.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      At the very beginning I mentioned another woman, the automatic assumption that lack of sex means another woman. It was just a little blurb, but it's there, easily missed.

      Thanks for the vote and the comment!

    • PerfectJumpOff profile image

      PerfectJumpOff 6 years ago from Worlwide

      Awesome hub!

      Very informative,quite afew trues but I did notice one that wasn't listed,adultery.

      He could be getting it elsewhere.

      Before I would think he was bi-sexual I would suspect another woman.

      You are right men think about sex alot,men masturbate it is, what it is.

      Voted up!

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      What a terrific compliment, thank you! I think I'm more of a person watcher, rather than a scientist. I really enjoy watching people, their reactions to situations the questions they ask etc. I am able to put these things together to form an opinion that is usually pretty darned close what is going on.

      So glad to have you as a fan!

    • Ajay Mathews profile image

      Ajay Mathews 6 years ago

      this is true..!! I am your fan..!! Your are giving yourself to hub pages..!! Awesome writing..!! Want to meet you..!! and that wont happen..!! I am an Indian ..anyways it was a desire only because of your knowledge in all the topics you have written..!! you are a complete writer..!! and the above hub really attracted me..!! you have become a scientist..!! LOL

    • ezzy1512 profile image

      ezzy1512 6 years ago


    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      Reference to my work? Anything in particular? (Just out of curiosity) I have no problem with that. Term paper? Hmm, how interesting! My name in lights eh? LOL Nah, just kidding, but very flattering.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

    • chinemeremz profile image

      chinemeremz 7 years ago

      Thanks Suzi, issues pertaining to sex most of the time creates gender war or battle of the sexes. But looking at your carefully and well written article looks at the argument from both sides, without taking sides. On the issue of plagiarizing, I've noticed that it is becoming more rampant and needs to be taken serious by hubpages editorial board. On the whole, your work is scholarly and academic, and I wish to ask if I might make reference to it(of course you'll get credit for your intellectual property) in my term paper on sociology at school. Thanks as I look forward to reading more of your interesting hubs.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      @ omcj1234 - LOL, you say that like you are expecting to.

      @ whynot1 - Thanks for the input, yes I suppose boredom could play a starring role, then one would think they are 'entertaining themselves'...

      Thank you both for stopping by and commenting.

    • whynot1 profile image

      whynot1 7 years ago

      Hey, really interesting. Opening lines of communication is definitely important. The thing is that people sometimes just get tired of each other.. I think what they can also do is take vacations together and apart with their friends... I think its helpful to bond with each other and other friends... this keeps new engaging topics of conversation going and interest in each other! Thanks for putting out a great hub!

    • omcj1234 profile image

      omcj1234 7 years ago

      Wow, a lot to digest. Haven't made it here yet but interesting hub nonetheless.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      There are a lot of variables Jason as you pointed out, lack of exercise could be one reason. The 14 minutes is an average from polls that have been taken.

      Thanks for stopping by and reading!

    • Jason R. Manning profile image

      Jason R. Manning 7 years ago from Sacramento, California

      Some very helpful information for women indeed, I do not agree with all of it, but I am only 31. Stress from work, going to school full time and then trying to hone a craft of writing has definitely hurt my drive as of late.

      Men need regular exercise to boot. If you have an overworked but under active man, then you might as well get the coffin ready, chronic heart failure will be around the corner. As for thinking about sex once every 14 minutes…I am not too sure about that one, I might be able to go an hour here or there if I am only surrounded by my male co-workers, erections are not invited.


    • Mizzctwoo16 profile image

      Mizzctwoo16 7 years ago from Brookfield, CT

      Awesome job!

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      I'm not sure why you say that Stanley - But thank you!

    • stanley3181 profile image

      stanley3181 7 years ago from Ireland

      Sweetsuieg, you are a star.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      So is that why you felt the need to COPY my work? Did you do the study? Did you ask the questions? What the heck did I do to you for you to steal my work? I don't go around stealing other peoples Hubs. You have now copied 2 of my Hubs, can you please explain your VERY BAD behavior?

    • profile image

      Rookie70 7 years ago

      You are probably the only hubber so far who thinks porn can be used for a good purpose. Most women in general think porn is detestable.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      This is true, we as women sometimes have a tendency to lay the blame of the world on our shoulders. We also have been taught that for a man to be happy he has to be sexual, and if he isn't... Well then we must be doing something wrong.

      Some women measure their worth by the erectness of the penis as well. Meaning if he isn't getting an erection, there is something wrong with us.

      It all boils down to communication, and keeping the lines open.

      I think with the ads they are trying to put the 'fun' back into it, they may be taking it a bit to far. Trying to make it like it isn't a big deal, so people will talk about it.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • onegoodwoman profile image

      onegoodwoman 7 years ago from A small southern town

      This is a very interesting hub indeed! You have written it well.......

      Women already tend to think something is "wrong" with themselves when an intimacy problem occurs. Sometimes, it is NOT her doing at all. I would like to see the medical reasons for ED or impotentcy more openly discussed. Men need to be made more comfortable in seeking medical help. The ads and 'jokes' about viagra and similar medications are not helping. Most of them only go when they are so weak that the wife can drag them to the car!

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      I'm glad you enjoyed it Dave. It's all about the communication. It can't be said enough! Instead of assuming people need to ask, and answer honestly! Many relationships could work out if this happened in the beginning rather than a 'last ditch effort'...

      Thanks for reading and commenting

    • Dave Mathews profile image

      Dave Mathews 7 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

      sweetsusieg: What a marvellous piece. I'm sure it has the possibility of helping many a marriage. Making love, and having sex are not the same thing, but both are important to keep both members of any relationship interested and happy.

      Brother Dave.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 7 years ago

      whatever the reason, it sucks! But as you pointed out, women have a part in it :)

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      LOL, Lilly you are too funny!! I tried to make it as G-rated as possible! When discussing sex you never know who will read and I don't want to offend!

      Dusty89 - Your comment JUST now showed up... Not sure what that is all about!

      Thank you both for stopping by taking the time to read and comment!

    • LillyGrillzit profile image

      Lori J Latimer 7 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

      Well written Hub. I don't even think "the church lady" could find this too explicit. Common sense and straight talk. Thanks for sharing.

    • Dusty89 profile image

      Dusty89 7 years ago from Bedford MI