- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Why isn't my man sexually active?
The Other side of the story
I have been asked repeatedly to write ‘The Other side of the Story’ to “Why isn‘t my Wife Sexually Active“, I will attempt to do just that. Men can become less sexually active over the years and some women may wonder why. Because women are thinker’s they automatically assume it’s another woman that is the cause of sexual dysfunction in a relationship.
In some cases this may be true, but it is not an ‘end all’ reason to stop having sex. Since men relate to sex as 90% physical and 10% mental let’s take a look as some of the physical reasons they stop or slow down on having sex.
Over the years some women have been conditioned to thinking that for a man to want sex all they have to do is bring beer and show up naked. In some cases, yes this can be true but is that what you want for a meaningful relationship? Essentially all you are becoming is the typical ‘booty call’.
Losing that Spark?
Women, it’s time to face the fact that you may be wrong and ask yourself a few questions. It does happen from time to time. We as women may think we know it all, but we don't.
Questions to ask yourself
Is your man tired? Does he work 16 hours a day at his job? Is his job physical or mental? Does he have more than one job? All of these things factor in when thinking of sex with a man.
Are you a ‘harpy’? When your man comes home from work do you assault him with words as soon as he walks through he door? Does he even get a chance to take his shoes off before you launch into a tirade of how bad your day was?
Do you hand him the poopie baby as soon as he walks in the door and tell him “it’s your turn, I’m going shopping.” as you wave on your way out the door?
Are you berating him about his job, telling him that it needs to be better paying and if he can’t talk to his boss about a raise you will? Do you brag to him about how much more money you make than he does?
Are you making him feel less of a man? Are you constantly telling him he isn’t doing anything right? Are you pressuring him to perform in the bedroom? Do you demand sex rather than ask for it? After having sex to you berate him for doing it wrong?
Do you even bother to ‘dress’ up for him a bit? Changing out of sweats or your pajamas before he gets home from work can go a long way in making him feel good about what he has done for the family. Sometimes doing your hair or putting on a little makeup will show him that you care enough about his efforts.
Does he work all day only to come home and fix his own dinner while you go out with friends? Do you complain about his friends? Does he even have any friends? Is he allowed to go out with them? Are you refusing to let them come over because you don’t like them?
Has he lost his job? Is he feeling less of a man for not being able to take care of his family? Do you remind him of this often?
Is his age a factor? Is he older than you? Would he rather have 1 good sexual encounter per week than 5 quick ones? Sometimes as men age they prefer to take things a little slower and enjoy it more, rather than 'getting it over with' quickly.
Do you initiate sex?
Is sex something that you feel you have to do to placate him? Do you just lay there and hope it will be over soon? Do you ask him “Are you going to be finished soon?“
Do you ever take the initiative to start a sexual encounter with him? Do you show him what it is that you would like? Do you talk to him about things you would like to do differently? He is not a mind reader, he does not just ‘know’ what you would or would not like.
Emotional shut down
Ladies, after a while men will get just as disgusted with you as would with them if you were treated in the same fashion. Any type of this behavior should not be tolerated in any relationship with anyone. It becomes more of ownership issue than a true relationship.
Men can shut down emotionally as well as a woman. Who wants to have sex with someone who yells all the time, refuses to take care of herself and complains about everything along with being demanding?
Men do want things from a relationship that you as a spouse can provide. Kindness is one of those things. Men don’t always say what is on their mind, but a simple asking them how their day was, will show you care. More than likely they will say “fine” and either let it go or tell you about it later. Some men are not particularly vocal especially after working all day.
Some men like to experiment with different sexual aids, and in this the both of you can have a little fun. Trying new things can bring back the spark to a relationship. If he offers to try something different, don’t ask him “Where did you learn that?” He may have heard about it from a friend at work or may have read it in a magazine.
Most men like Porno, plain and simple. They get sexually aroused when viewing other people having sex. This does not mean they want to have sex with someone else. It just means the act itself is exciting to them. The naked body to a man, is sexually arousing. If they have made it apparent that this is something they like, encourage it. Look at it with them. As a man once told me “It doesn’t matter where I get my appetite, as long as I eat at home.” What this means is he may get excited somewhere else, but comes home to you to fulfill his needs.
Most men do not consider Pornography cheating, it’s not like they are having sex with the pictures or TV. They are there with you. It’s the same as you fantasizing about him being Brad Pitt, Bruce Willis, Antonio Bandaras or anyone of the other hunky guys in the movies. This does not mean they are having fantasies about the women in the pictures either.
This may just mean they are fantasizing about the actual sex act they just witnessed. If trying something new appeals to your man, give it a whirl. You may like it too.
Some men get involved in the kinky sex, if this is not for you, tell him so. Do not let him go on believing that it is something you enjoy when you don’t. Some men like to wear women’s under things. If you can handle it, buy him some panties for his own ‘special’ time.
Most men masturbate. Some will admit it, some won’t. The average for a man think about sex is at least once every 14 minutes per day. Some men get several erections per day, yet do nothing about it. Others like to masturbate at any given opportunity. If you by chance come upon him doing this you can either close the door quietly letting him continue or offer to help him out. Embarrassing him about a natural function is going to do no one any good. It will cause resentment towards you and possible sexual dysfunction in the future.
He may be bi-sexual
Because by nature men are extremely sexual creatures, they may even become bi-sexual. Not necessarily preferring other men, but performing sex acts around men will be no problem. As young boys they may have masturbated with friends, and find that something exciting to this day.
This does not necessarily mean he is gay, just that he might enjoy other aspects of a relationship with you. A lot of men find difficulty in expressing themselves so it may take some time getting this out of him.
Open those lines of communication
It is up to you to open the lines of communication with your man. Ask him what he likes, talk to him about various scenarios. The more open you are with them, the more open they will be with you. Tell them your sexual fantasies, but don’t get upset when they want to share with you theirs. You might be surprised at what he is willing to share.
Take him somewhere away from the home to talk to him. Talking about sex in the bedroom is not conducive to a good conversation. He may feel that you are pressuring him to perform at that moment. Don't put him on the spot, no one likes to feel forced to do anything. Take a drive, a walk in the park or even out to dinner. Alone just the two of you. Good conversation is a beginning, to help any relationship improve.
Keeping the communication open is the best way to prevent any type of sexual dysfunction in a relationship. Men as well as women like to feel good about themselves, if you are not making them feel good about who they are, they may go looking elsewhere. Studies have shown that the reason men cheat is because they like who they are when with someone, who makes them feel good about themselves.
If they don't like who they are around you, they may seek those good feelings elsewhere.
Male Menopause? Yep
If all else fails, you have talked and done everything humanly possible and your man still can’t get an erection, swearing it has nothing to do with you. It may then be time to visit a Doctor. It could be something physical. It might behoove you both to seek counseling from a professional also.
Men go through a type of ‘male menopause’ as well. If you expect him to have some compassion for you, then you will do yourself a favor by having compassion for him as well.
Please keep in mind that I am not a professional counselor, these are my thoughts and ideas that I have garnered from speaking with others regarding this subject. Reading an article is no substitute for seeking professional help.
If you enjoyed this Article - You also may enjoy these
- How to get my wife sexually active again part 2
First let me start by saying this is only a 98% guarantee, nothing is 100% in this life. But using these tips will give you a good head start! Begin by first reading my other Hub titled Why isn't my...
- Why isn't my wife sexually active?
You've discovered after many years of having good to great sex suddenly your wife is turning away from you and you want to know why. Only you and your wife can truly know the answer to that question, but...