Why you shouldn't take relationship advice from your friends and family!
DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT BELOW AFTER READING, WITH YOUR VERY OWN RELATIONSHIP TIPS AND STORIES! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT BE IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU!
Have you ever been a victim of relationship abuse?
As most of you know, technology is a lot different than what it used to be. In a future post that i've been setting up I am going to talk a lot about how technology has actually ruined our generation as well as future generation to come. How many times do you sit with your loved ones and have a conversation? How many times do you call up those friends and family members who live out of state? The answer is probably rarely if ever. Why? Because who needs to sit down face to face or have communication from your mouth be used when you can just send a text message or hop onto Facebook when its convenient? Your life, relationships with friends family and significant others, has drastically changed for the worse. No one knows how to be in a relationship anymore, all we know how to do is send a text message and hope that's sincere enough.
The truth is, there are some of us left that enjoy a good conversation once in a while. Face to face! We also enjoy it when someone comes over to our apartments to pick us up for a date rather than FaceTiming all night because who needs to waste their gas driving over to get someone when you can still see each other. To top it off, there are still some of us who actually feel more respected when you break up with us in person, not over some cheesy "it's not you, it's me" text message!
To all you young loves out there, you have to put your phone down and enjoy your life. Live a little, try new things, have fun and meet people. Yes, you can do online dating because you are tired of meeting the same guys over and over again at the bar. Remember though, it's not just where you pick someone up at it's how you portray yourself as well. So when your at the bar with your friends buried on your phone flipping away through Facebook or Instagram, sending SnapChats, you are never, and I repeat never, going to meet a respectable individual. People like conversation, intellect, a glass of a wine and a good book. Have fun, travel, see the world. If I can give you any advice, it would be to do what you want when you want, but do it alone. Don't date a guy because you want to travel the world with a man. Go to Italy and pick yourself up a delicious slice of man!
For years, I have surrounded myself with people who don't care about their significant other. Actually, I don't think anyone anyone takes relationships seriously anymore.. at all. I mean think about it, how many people do you know that have been in relationships the old fashioned way? I have met people who get cheated on, break up, get back together and next thing you know they are starting a family. I have also been around people who think its healthy to be completely miserable in a relationship just so that they aren't alone. I have seen people date, I have seen people take it slow and do it right. Honesty, Trust, and Respect are key to a healthy relationship. They are also foreign words in America lately.
Welcome to the DANGER ZONE, also known as "Red Flags". In relationships, you should always go with your gut feelings. If you think something isn't right, chances are it isn't. If it feels right, then go for it. Here are some Red Flags that people tend to ignore, when they are right in front of your face.
1. Putting you down verbally - Not only have I seen my friends go through this, but I have been through it as well. When a guy/girl tells you that you are nothing without them or I can do so much better with out you. RUN! Clearly this individual has low self esteem and likes the fact that they can have something, yet can treat you bad and you won't go anywhere. I guarantee if you leave, they will come after you. Don't fall for it. My ex had a funny way of doing this to where I never saw it as verbal abuse until I really thought about it. Telling you about how their ex was such a bad person and was so negative and ruined your life, all they are looking for is someone to agree with them, to boost their ego and self esteem. You don't want a child, you want a MAN. A real man won't bring his past into his future.
2. Not sharing their life with you - Look, if you have been dating for a year or more and your significant other is ready to move out and get a place and tells you " I am not sure if I want to live with anyone" RUN! This is crazy! Either they don't want commitment or they want to see what it's like living on their own, as a bachelor. That might sound good when they tell you, but it's also a recipe for disaster. It won't work out. However, I have seen a couple who I am very good friends with who have been dating since middle school, they went to separate colleges and lived with their friends and then got married. It does happen, but the chances of this happening are very slim. You have to know your significant other in order to understand if that will actually work or not. Sharing their life with you isn't just living together, it's much much more. For example, if you have a good job that you absolutely love and you lose it due to a lay off, make sure you are comfortable enough to talk to your partner about it. Don't hide it! If you feel embarrassed to say anything or you're afraid he will leave, then you are clearly living a lie. You need to be able to talk to one another and communicate about your life, or else one of you will be moving and the other will be left behind.
3. Spending Time Together - This one can be tricky. Personally I am not a big fan of clingy, overbearing guys. It is however nice to have someone want to spend time with you and see you. If someone has to hear the "I am too busy to spend time with you" talk, then you need to be single. If someone wants to see you, you're going to make time for it. I also understand the whole "if you want a hardworking man, than you need to deal with a busy man" I get it, but if you want a relationship you are going to need to fit me into your schedule. I am sorry, but unless you work the United States Military, you're point of being "too busy" is invalid to me.
4. Anger - This is a BIG one. Yes, everyone gets angry, everyone has their off days but if you are with someone who is always angry you need to RUN! This isn't just in personal relationships, but also with friends. It's very unhealthy to constantly argue with someone especially over the dumbest things that are unnecessary. Some people even know what their doing and continue to do it just to get their way. I don't put up with it so I walk. Some people like it, and those are the people who settle because they assume they can't get anyone else. That's stupid. Break up, move on, live a healthy life. No one wants to hear about your problems that are with the same person for the last 10 years with the same exact problem. You know what it is, so talk about it and change it or walk away and surround yourself with better people.
5. Addiction - I have always been one that thinks that you can change everyone and help everyone and blah blah blah. I have also realized that you can't no matter what you do. So if you are seeing someone who has an addiction, it probably isn't the safest situation to put yourself in. You are who you associate with, so if you are going to date an addict, the chances of you turning into one are very high. If you are going to date someone with addiction and you want to be their for them, more power to you JUST REMEMBER do NOT make them a priority (not that you should in any relationship) but make yourself a priority. Do NOT get sucked in to becoming their caretaker and putting them first. If someone cares about you and wants things to work out they will ask for your help. I also understand that some people are to far in, if you care about that person try getting them help and see if they are willing to go through with it. Don't be upset if things don't work out because that person won't change or isn't willing to. You knew what you were doing from day one, it's no ones fault but your own.
Sometimes you just need to walk away, take a deep breath and do some yoga, or read a book!
Fixing your Issues:
Some people think you should always walk away and just STOP! when you see a red flag, don't listen to that. You don't know everyone's story or where they came from so just because you see a red flag doesn't mean that you need drop that person at that very moment. What you need to do is remember that red flag, see if it changes and see if anything happens. If it's something that really bothers you from day one, than I would advise to take it, run with it and walk away. I personally analyze everything just to make sure I don't get hurt. I've been through some crazy stuff, but don't let that affect your relationship with someone else.
What you can do to fix it, is to ask yourself these 5 simple questions:
1. Is this relationship a priority for the both of us?
2. Does this relationship make my life better, or does it cause me stress?
3. What do I really want in a relationship, is this what I am looking for?
4. Why isn't this working the way I thought that it would?
5. Is there anything standing in my way of what I want?
How to have a HEALTHY Relationship!
Although relationships can be very demanding and stressful, they aren't all that bad. There a lot of relationships that you can have that are healthy and stress free. In order to maintain an well built relationship is through many factors. Some of the top 5 factors that people agree on are things such as these:
1. Communication - Make sure you talk about things. Communicate with one another and let each other in. Listening to each other and how they feel, off of text message and phone call this needs to be face to face to show emotion and how one another feels. Phone calls and texting can turn into a screaming match or even the cold shoulder. You don't want those. You want to be able to feel comfortable with your partner to sit down and talk to them about what's going on. Make sure you keep an open mind and hand criticism.
2. Sex - This is healthy. Sex is known to decrease stress and, even cuddling, to boost your immune system. Let's be real we are all adults here, however if you are still high school you shouldn't be focusing on this, or a relationship really (haha). But on a serious note, give your partner something to come home to. I understand that you have 3 kids and you worked a long day and you don't want to be bothered by your partner. Or you had a bad day at the office, or you are turned off all the time. There is something that is triggering this and you need to talk it out and see if it's a personal problem or a relationship problem. If by any chance it is your relationship, you might want to figure out how to fix it, or maybe not being together should be considered.
3. Stay off social media - The biggest pet peeve of all time! If I hear someone say "Facebook ruined my relationship" I am going to scream. Facebook is a website that has no control over what your partner is doing in their spare time. Their computer did not say open me and search the web and comment on this other persons picture of how attractive they are or, I am going to make my status this so he/she feels bad and comes back to me. It doesn't work like that. It's just obnoxious. Don't let a social media site of any kind ruin your relationship, unless they have some dirty private messaging going on then I would be concerned. If they are doing it in the open public knowing you can see it, then it clearly doesn't bother them so don't let it bother you. If it does then talk it out, either they are going to be understanding or they will fight you about how its ok to do. Then you walk away and find someone new.
4. Talk to your partner, not your friends - Clearly you are looking for some kind of advice on how to have a better relationship. What can you do to spice up your love life. As going to your friends and family for advice and support seems like a good thing it can also be the worst idea ever. When you get advice from people, friends, family, counselor, co-worker, best friend or online, this isn't a form of telling you what to do but rather ADVICE. This is something you need to consider while looking at the big picture. You work with people who are divorced telling you that you should be single because you and your partner fight to much and the single life you don't deal with that. Well the truth is, even if you are single you still deal with just as much drama and BS than you really think you do. And besides no one knows the real relationship except for the two of you, so really people are giving you advice after hearing a one sided story. We all know that isn't going to benefit you when you throw away the love of your life because of what people are saying. Don't do it.
5. Control your own life- Don't be someone who is over bearing, clingy and causes you to lose your own identity. Be around people who let you explore your own life and live. If someone can't see your talent and can't support your dreams or goals then they aren't worth it. Don't be with someone who wants you to dress, talk and act a certain way. If they don't love you for who you are, then they aren't worth it.
Most importantly, never lose hope. Try to remember what brought you two together and what you love most about each other. Trust. Honesty. Communication. Respect. Remember it, and honor it! It's going to save your relationship.
No matter what you go through, if someone cares about you and loves you they will do whatever they can to be by your side. I have seen cancer patients with cheating husbands with off the wall excuses as to why they are doing it. I have also seen couples fight, and work it out. Everyone has their reason, so make sure you use an open mind and try to understand each other, or else you are asking for a disaster and will start entering the DANGER ZONE!
On a final note: DON'T BE THIS GUY!
© 2014 Sarah Dill