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Why Can't People Be Emotionally Honest? -Stephanie Bailey

Updated on August 26, 2013
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

If you are the pursuer, it's your obligation to inform the pursued when you’re done pursuing….right? Right.

I think we can all agree that it is incredibly frustrating when you’ve been dating someone for a while, and suddenly—without any warning—they stop communicating. If they’re trying to break up with you, why can’t they just reach out and say something? "I'm not interested," "I'm not feeling a connection," "I'm not ready for a relationship," or possibly, "I'm freaking out and moving to another state.”

Although direct, one-on-one communication is the best and most mature form, if that's not where your comfort zone is, there is still no excuse not to communicate what you are feeling, especially when you have emotionally “checked out.” Off of the top of my head, I can think of over five types of ways to communicate what you are feeling without ever having to actually talk to someone face to face: phone, text, e-mail, snail mail, and Facebook (and that doesn’t include all other social media channels).

A close friend of mine met a guy who pursued her from the moment they made eye contact. A few weeks into dating—around the holidays—he emotionally pulled away. The assumption was that he freaked out (as many men do around the holidays), unsure of what he wanted. She received a text a few days after not hearing from him that he was dating other women and wasn’t ready to commit. WOW. He automatically assumed that she wanted to rush into a relationship after two weeks of courting. However, she didn’t–it was his ego speaking.

Surprised by the text that was not only days late, but completely unexpected, she had no choice but to move on....or so she thought. Several months later, my friend bumped into this same guy—apologetic, single, and “ready for a relationship” (based on what he had told her).

In his valiant pursuit, the first several months of their relationship were amazing. The effort he put forth swept her off her feet and the chemistry was like fireworks. She was happy and could see herself planning a future with him. Just when things were moving organically between them, he decided to pull a Houdini...and poof! He disappeared again. This performance was less entertaining this time and even more disappointing, especially since it was right before a romantic weekend that he had planned. This time his vanishing act lasted for over a week: no phone call, text, or e-mail; it was like a horrible version of deja vu, except this time he won and broke her heart.

By the time my friend received his (unwelcome text) that attempted to explain his immature approach to vanishing, my friend was emotionally done.

When someone can't be upfront and emotionally honest when they have lost interest romantically, it has nothing to do with you. Not being able to communicate in a respectful and timely matter stems back from how they did not learn how to communicate as a child. If communication wasn't strong in their family upbringing, then most likely it won't be in their relationships. Being emotionally honest means taking responsibility for one's actions. Some people cannot handle it and therefore choose to runaway.

If you are dealing with someone who can't be emotionally honest, ask yourself, "do I really want to be with someone who doesn't respect me enough to be clear about how they are feeling?" If not, be emotionally strong, move on, and don't look back.

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      marketeconomy 3 years ago

      Too bad your friend did not run the first time she was involved with him! Hopefully her broken heart has recovered.

    • profile image

      marketeconomy 3 years ago

      Oops! I meant to write AFTER the first time she was involved with him - she obviously could not have run the first time since HE vanished - lol

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you marketeconomy, her broken heart has been mended. And thank you for reading!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Her heart has :)

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      lol...I understood what you meant.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      This may be just my opinion but when someone is (truly) "emotionally invested" in you they don't simply disappear.

      I suspect there are three possibilities for his actions.

      1) He's simply immature either in his 20s physically or mentally.

      2) His heart is with someone else and your friend was nothing more than a convenient rebound. All it took was for his ex to give him a call and he'd drop whatever he was doing in a heartbeat!

      3. He's a "want to be" player. An opportunity arose for him to hookup with someone (new) and he blew your friend off.

      The bottom line is it's not about him and (his )wants. It's about your friend and (her) wants. By now she has figured out she doesn't want a guy who runs "hot and cold". Last but not least some guys are "naturally romantic" with ALL women they want to have sex with. Too often women fall in love during the "infatuation phase" when a guy sending egreeting cards, flowers, balloons, writing love poems, and taking her out to nice restaurants. It would not surprise me if this is this guy's M.O. If your friend knew any of his exes she'd probably learn he repeats the same formula over and over. Men have been taught that in order to "get the girl" you have to give her "the fantasy". Odds are if he told your friend he is only interested in having a "booty call" or "friends with benefits" arrangement she would have declined the offer.

      Unfortunately for women both the "good guys" and the "players" play the (romantic) card. A woman has to ignore that first wave of "perfection" and wait to see a man's "authentic self" after they have had some disagreements.

      "People don't really change all that much; we just stop viewing them through rose colored glasses."

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      A difficult time when such issues happen in relationships time heals

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      I agree DDE, and a great learning experience as well.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Time does heal all wounds. Thank you for reading!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      I would say the first time around it was #1 & 3...the second time around it was #1 and him being selfish; wanting her but not a commitment. Either way she is definitely better off without him. Although it was a painful lesson it has made her stronger. I strongly agree that, "People don't really change all that much; we just stop viewing them through rose colored glasses." That's why waiting to tell someone you love them after the "honeymoon" stage has more value. Thank you for reading!

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