Without Freedom There Is No Love

A case of love addiction

Jason is a really nice man, tall, slim, black hair, green eyes. He has an excellent job as an engineer; he has many interests, likes to travel, is generous, funny and caring. A picture of a man, women would fight over him.

Nevertheless, Jason spends most of his life alone; he is the prototype of the unfortunate single. First, women find him great, start a relationship with him, but after a few months at the latest, they drop him like a hot potato.

"When a woman leaves me again, my biggest agony was the question of why," says Jason, looking at the floor as if he were ashamed of it. "I hardly dared to say at some point that I was left again.

I thought, what will my family think, what will my friends, my colleagues think?

I racked my brain with what did I do wrong, what I routinely do wrong, or women wouldn't run away. I've never been told what's wrong with me, maybe I was not worth it, "says Jason sadly. It is incredibly difficult for him to talk about these things. You can sense that he feels stigmatised.

Jason takes a deep breath and continues, "I would say that I know women, that I know what they want. I have read many books about how women tick. I made them feel like they were goddesses. I complimented them and gave them presents, I signalled that I was serious, that I wanted to start a family."

Jason's stories always follow the same pattern. He met a woman, out in the wild or online. The stories started like in a fairy tale. Jason fell in love, the woman returned his feelings, first peace, joy, pancakes. "It has never let me down with a woman," he says almost proudly.

The falling in love with Jason went very fast, today he would say he has made no choice in terms of a reflected decision.

If the woman was pretty and willing, so was he. He was not so much about loving as he was about being loved. Already after the first date, he plans his life with her, lets her in on his plans, dedicates himself to her, doesn't look what the woman wants, where she stands.

Jason assumes that women strive for the same as he does and in the same intensity, he sets the pace. Fall in love, get engaged, get married, eternal love. No room for development, no slow approach, nails without heads. Everything snug and tight.

I know that from my two sisters and from girlfriends, that they have often complained that the men they meet are all reluctant to talk, and then there's one like me who really gets to the point, and the women are bailing. That was bitter. "

Jason leaves no doubt about his good intentions. After the first date, he answers immediately the next day, verbosely assures, how wonderful he found the evening, asks for another date.

If the women don't respond right away, he'll get restless, staring at his phone, holding out for maybe an hour and sending another message. At this stage, most women are still totally thrilled that a man puts in this effort.

"That's what they told me, my dates," says Jason eagerly, "that they feel understood and desired, that they dreamed that someone would court them the way I do."

Jason sleeps for the first time with the woman, for him it is clear,

We are together!

That means for him, nothing is done alone, one introduces each other to the parents, one makes housing plans and marriage plans.

Eventually, the liability even deterred

And with all the planning comes for Jason the fear, the fear that he could lose this woman again. The fear mashes through his soul, it determines his actions, he's not in control. He urges he demands, he is hurt, if in his opinion he doesn't get "enough" love.

It never comes to moving in together, the women throw in the towel. Jason doesn't understand the world any more, every time he has terrible lovesickness, but he doesn't waste time, he just moves on.

A new love, he immediately goes searching for the next woman. "I couldn't be alone," Jason says. "I've never questioned that, it's logical, who wants to be alone? Love is the meaning of life, closeness, security. "

The more Jason is chasing his goal, the more he loses sight of it. It's a vicious circle, with each separation his yearning for love is growing, his fear of staying alone, his fear of being abandoned again. Jason becomes clingy.

"With the last woman I was with, Sarah, I could barely enjoy being together. She was my absolute dream woman. It was perfect in every way. But I was so tense and possessive that after a short time there was a daily argument.

Our relationship lacked any sparkle, I know that today. Sarah has made an effort to explain to me what I am doing wrong without blaming me. That was a huge chance, all the other women didn't go through the trouble.

Sarah has told me that I want love and relationship so much that I actually drive it out of my life. I am addicted to love. That was a shock when she said that. Me, addicted to love?

Sarah told me relentlessly that I have no self-love, that I am only focused on the woman and that it's just too much, what I impose on my partner.

She knew that I was a great guy, but she still had the feeling that I'm a sham, that I didn't have any personality of my own, but just put together one that the women should like, no opinion of my own, no own life.

No woman has told me that, yet I strictly rejected that. Finally, I thought about it. I started to study the topic of love addiction.

I tried to let go of Sarah, to stand on my own feet, to hold back with my proofs of love and perseverance.

I didn't want to be the ever-offended guy anymore. Sarah tried to support me, she encouraged me to become independent of her, to love her "anyway". But I didn't make it, the realisation that Sarah is right hasn't changed my behaviour, the knowledge remained an abstract size. "After half a year Sarah said:" I can't anymore. You don't leave me any air to breathe. I'll go."

Jason sighs, "I was at the end, this split has hit me in the heart, but it also had something changed, that is, I was ready for a change. It was clear to me that I was responsible for putting an end to it. I realised that with all my perfection I'm not the perfect man for a woman, but a nuisance that I'm a burden. "

After Sarah, I did something different for the first time, I didn't plunge into the next relationship, I prescribed abstinence. I haven't read books about conquering women, but about love addiction.

It was no question for me, abstinence from love and relationship is best if you are addicted to love. I started therapy, I wanted to find out who I am, why I chase after love like the devil behind the poor soul.

It may have to do with my childhood. The old story, I didn't feel loved, I always had to do something to be loved by my parents. I finally want to learn to love myself the way I am, with all the shortcomings.

My longing for love and for a relationship is still there, but I know that between the normal longing for love and the craving for love is a dangerously narrow line. I have crossed it in the past. I want that I also let someone be free, without freedom no love.

I am sure that I can make a woman happy, I don't want to condemn myself for my addiction. I want to accept and transform it. I want to be happy with myself, that is my deep desire. I no longer want a woman to give me self-esteem, I want to give it to myself. I can only find the right person if I'm right for myself. "