Woman In Submission
I would like to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. From my understanding, I can write about whatever I want. My perspective is mine, and that doesn't mean that it is right or wrong. Everyone is always entitled to his or her own opinion(s). I am sharing my story in the aspect of recognizing and understanding your role in your relationship. I am sharing how hard it may be for an individual of my status (male or female) that goes through the same thing because this may be helpful.
You know that saying that when a woman/man has been beaten down for so long by pieces of shit individuals, they run away the person that was the type of person they'd always wanted to be with. Well, that saying is very true. If you're anything like me, you don't see anything wrong with the problems that you may be causing. If your life and the individuals in it means anything to you, you have to decide at some point if you are willing to let yourself get in the way.
My problem is that I am an individual with an attitude from hell (especially if I am upset). I keep a resting bitch face (RBF), and I'm very quiet in public around strangers. My temper goes from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye, and I have very little patience or tolerance for bullcrap. I am just a woman who simply takes no shit from anyone. On the other side of me, I am gentle and sweet as pie to family and friends. My weaknesses are the elderly, pregnant women and children. I can carry on a conversation with anyone if the other person initiated it, but I won't initiate a conversation unless I feel comfortable with my surroundings. I am not a mean or aggressive person unless it's necessary... Yes, sometimes that shit is so necessary. I am learning better ways to approach situations and ultimately resolve them in ways that strengthen the relationship...not weaken it... So, here's my story in a true scenario.
My significant other had blessed me with the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for almost a year, and I just didn't know how to accept it. I bet you're thinking "What the hell is wrong with you!" It was not as easy as I thought. I've always said that I would have loved to be a housewife; however, it didn't seem so hard considering the fact that I knew how to cook, clean and do laundry already. Little did I know... there was more to come with that responsibility.
Don't get me wrong. Taking care of a household has never been a problem for me, but the submission part of the whole thing was a problem for me. You see, my man is a MAN, and he's old-fashioned. I have never been put in the position to submit to anyone that actually deserved it. I held everything down on my own, so, I felt like I can do and say whatever the fuck I wanted without any regards to how anyone felt about it. No one was ever deserving of my trust, loyalty or respect. So, I became this unrecognizable person. I do recognize that I did play my roles in my shortcomings, and I see the problems that I was causing within my current relationship.
My Perspective Then...
My thinking process was flawed, and I must admit that I still do need reprogramming. This means that I have to train my mind to think and respond in a different way. Here was my thought process a year ago:
The perspective I had then (in reference to being a housewife) was that you have to take whatever is thrown at you. You have to be willing to hang on every word being said to you. Smile and be happy (even when you want to be the biggest bitch on the planet). Even in the heat of the moment, there will be no questions unanswered, and no silent treatment (ignoring). That is probably one of the worst habits to break. Think before you speak about anything. "I don't know" is not an option or an answer. If you speak other than answering any questions, you're arguing. One hundred percent eye contact is required (no matter how you feel about it) when you're being spoken too. You're always reliving your past because it's always thrown in your face constantly (in the result of current events).
I never viewed myself as being disrespectful to anyone if I'm just being quiet and minding my own business. Whatever face I have on is my business and no one else's. I never thought about how someone would feel if I didn't smile or talk all the time. I have always been the kind of person who simply did not tolerate yelling or verbal abuse in any sense no matter what. I never back down from anyone no matter who they are...
For Your Information (FYI), my man is over 6 ft. tall and weighs about 290 lbs. I'm 5' 6" and 160 lbs. Size, gender or creed makes no difference to me. I am too stubborn and bullheaded to be a housewife... I know my place as a woman, but I've had to play both roles in the last 17 years of my life (not including the last year up til now). I know that as a woman I have to bend to my man, and it was so hard for me to do. We both recognize the facts:
- He is the man of the house...not me...
- He is our protector and soul provider...unless something happens to where I must pick up the slack.
- He recognizes me as his equal, and he treats me as such (while being the Man).
Again, don't get me wrong everyone has their faults and flaws. No one likes to be ignored or disrespected, and everyone handles it differently (whether it is right or wrong). When I am being yelled at I shut down and nothing else matters normally.
After work one day, my fiance came to pick me up from work. On this day, I was a little salty. I was already salty about having to work at the place I was working anyway. I was having a bad day and wanted to just get home. I really didn't want to talk or anything because I already had a long day, and I already knew how it would have turned out. So, I was short and didn't say much. I was passive-aggressive and didn't really care what I said, how I said it or whom I said it to. From destination A to destination Z, I wanted to pull my hair out and scream out loud because the reaction was not pretty. Others' reactions pissed me off because of the deliverance. With how my mind normally works, I was not in good head space. I thought everything was over because of me, and it was like a slap in the face. That's my reality anyway. She always reveals herself with a slap on each cheek (whether it's the face or the ass...her pick).
Normally, I am a person that just don't give a fuck, but I give a fuck. If something doesn't involve me in any way, I normally wouldn't have anything to do with it; however, if a friend, family or even a stranger approach me seeking advice or help, I'd most likely listen to them and help them if I can. I do care about people's safety and well-being.
The errors I make are usually small careless ones that have huge impacts. I don't cheat or disrespect my relationship by involving any outsiders. Normally, I don't take humiliation very well, and I will, in turn, leave your ass talking to yourself or just not respond to you as if you weren't there. So, here's a question. How can you get mad with someone else for their reaction to what you are doing to cause problems? How is this reasonable? There are more than one points of views that you can see this from, but facts are facts. There are some people who don't consider anything but the facts of every situation. That is not always smart either, but those people do exist.
But think... Am I right to get upset for someone's reaction to what I am doing? No one likes to be ignored or disrespected, right? At the same time, no one likes to be yelled at and humiliated either for petty stuff. That's like saying a person has to take whatever I dish out and be fine with it, and that is not true. I don't think anyone should have to put up with whatever they don't want to put up with. I wouldn't beg a person to be with me because I wouldn't want anyone to be where they are unhappy. It finally hit me that I seriously needed to change some things about myself and how I handle things.
My New Perspective
The past two years of my life has been a hell of a roller-coaster ride. Nothing really had begun to make sense until last year, but I think it became crystal clear finally. I had the honor of finally being with my high school crush. After 17 years, we found each other again. He was definitely worth it because he's always bringing out the best in me (regardless of the crazy ass tactics). One thing I do know is that I would never knowingly and willingly expose my children to any danger. This man is a lot of things, but I know 100% that he will never intentionally hurt my children (otherwise I wouldn't have given him a second of my time).
For sure, he was well worth the time (unless he proves otherwise). All he wants is loyalty, honesty, and respect. A woman who will think about what they are doing, and how it affects everyone around her. What real man doesn't want or deserves this? You'd think that wouldn't be too much to ask for, but everyone has their own versions of what is disrespectful and what is not (no matter how big or small it is). If you're a person like me...that part is very hard. A normal person wouldn't understand these problems because I am not a normal person with a normal functioning brain like everyone else. But then...define normal.
So, I am going to hike up my big girl panties and get back in it the way I once was years ago ... Maybe this will be another topic. I will tell you about the little Prisca that everyone knew so well but just didn't fuck with. I may have to write sequels on that one.
Here's what is understood. We, as women, are the weaker species. Real Men want Real Women...Not the kind that is too strong and independent that they forget how to be a woman...A lady...No matter how you look at it, a woman's place is at home. Today's society says that a two-income family is how it should be. The man and the woman should work to contribute to the household, but the man is in charge of all decision-making for the household (with consideration of what his woman feels, says or thinks). I don't want to sound like I am just another woman with no backbone because I am far from it. I have more backbone than him sometimes, but only when he needs me too. That's the difference.
Yes, I've played both roles a relationship before us; however, I do recognize that it's time to get back into my place as the woman only. I love my family, and I have the utmost respect for him for accepting me as I am ... a spoiled brat with a temper tantrum from hell, and an all-around bitch.
I realize that this is very frustrating for him, and I am working on some changes because he's one of the few that actually deserves it. More than anything, I deserve to be better for myself because I can't fix anything if I don't fix me first.
I realize that this article hits and miss on some things. Please feel free to speak about it. If you'd like to share or have questions, I'd love to help if I can. Thanks for reading!
© 2019 Prisca