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But! And "but" always remains

Updated on March 16, 2014

But! And "but" always remains.

Words are lost as my tears erase ever word my pen writes. My mind has failed to express my thoughts, and my tongue has no knowledge of how to move or speak. How can I begin when my eyes have shut the windows of my heart and no light remains for me to see clearly? The absence of what I desire is slowly eating me away. My need and my want have become strangers to my own soul; so I find myself walking into deep darkness and do not know what I may stumble over.

When you tremble and fall some may think that the everyday blessings can put your scattered pieces together when it needs so much more than to be glued by the thoughts of "everything will be OK, and you have everything you need". But! And "but" always remains. Your heart yearns for something deep. It yearns to dive in a deep ocean to see it's beauty, feel its warm waves, and touch its wonders . Deep rooted emotions like these cannot be explained, or written. You try to let others in to understand what it may feel like, but something felt from the heart is too fragile to be spoken of. And so they remain cozily tucked away, hidden from the poisonous interpretations of others.

The demands of those around you is to open your ears and listen. Listen so that you feel the terror of their warnings. Turn aside what you feel and spare your heart away from a pit, for even a lion in a depth of a pit is bullied by dogs. But! And "but" always remains. My heart cannot be fed or replaced with something shallow. Not after finding what can wash the wounds of numbness from my soul. It cannot live regretting, lingering, yearning, wishing, and trying to forget.

Have I to choose between my mind or heart? Is there no sign that I have made my decision by thought and feeling? The difference between me and you is what we feel. Sometimes too much knowledge is a dangerous thing. You find pleasure and boon only in what you know disregarding what you are ignorant of. There is no general rule when it comes to people, and in the end you are either left with seeds that plant happiness or scars that ruin the dreams you pictured.

Throughout the day preoccupied as I may be; my fiery thoughts about a never ending wait exhaust my mind. At night I am wakened running through a forest of judgments of what may and may not happen. So I lay wishing that the nights were longer. I have found that this darkness holds so much light and I find peace and solitude in prayer at those few special hours.

We say happiness and destiny are never found in other people. And though we tend to seek it in others they really are within us. We are graced by the moments of something unreal; based on the appearance of perfection that we created. We sculpt love, loyalty, kindness, tenderness....but before they fade they stand perfectly embodied. So even if you have never seen them before; you allow yourself to yearn.

You are a wanderer, a dreamer. Do not dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. Remain as you are. You are not unhappy nor are you content. Because there is a possibility that perpetual darkness awaits you, and a slight possibility that you will be happy. But! And "but" always remains. Are not the days of my life few? Even if it is a misconception of what reality is like I may find comfort before I go to the land of where light is like darkness . Because with fear, sorrow and anger as lovers to a worrisome heart death is not only inevitable, it is already here. Thus none can kill me.

It may all seem a myth. And we cannot disagree that in every decision there is risk. But! And "but" always remains. Maybe then calm and peaceful shall my eyes, heart and mind sleep to a vision of a world renewed. Until then, "but" will always remain.

by Reem Alirhayim :) <3


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