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"It's Not You, It's Me..." Is Closure Really Important?
"Parting is such sweet sorrow"
Recently I read a letter written to an advice column which detailed a relationship that ended after (3 years). The man in this relationship asked his now ex why she was dumping him and she told him. "It's not you, it's me". When he pressed her he got more (evasive) answers.
He now questions if she was ever "in love" with him. He wanted to know how could one tell if they are really in love...etc
Naturally the columnist assured him he would find true love with someone who felt the same way about him and so forth....etc
The letter got me to thinking about what's the upside to (knowing why you were dumped). Will getting "Closure" ease your pain or change reality? Will it feel better if they said, "It is YOU"?
I posted the following comment.
Feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree.
"Closure" is overrated!
All you really need to know is this person no longer wants to be with you. Asking them questions only puts them on the spot.
If they are kind they will naturally tell you things such as "It's not you, It's me".
Would you rather hear them say,
"It's YOU! Your breath stinks! I hate your friends! Sex with you is boring! I'm tired of hearing you snore!"
Would that really make you feel better???
One reason why people ending a relationship say, "It's not you, It's me" is because if they gave you a list of things chances are you’d BEG them to stay.
For example saying such things as "I'll change! I'll brush my teeth 3 times a day! I'll drop my friends, I'll buy you (The Rabbit), I'll put on some (Breathe Right) nose strips before we go to sleep....etc
Listening to someone beg, watching them drop their self dignity, crying and pleading while (knowing in your heart there is NOTHING they can say or do that would cause you stay) creates an ugly messy scene. Several months later if you were the one begging you will end up kicking yourself for behaving like that anyway.
When someone tells you it's “them and not you”, that's the truth!!!
They want to move on to a different situation.
They want to see someone else.
They feel they could do better, have more, love deeper, have more fun without you in their life.
You on the other hand are content with things as they are.They had a change of heart (you didn't).
My guess is during the course of your 3 year relationship there were Changes that took place along the way. There were Clues or Signs that she wasn't as "emotionally invested" in the relationship as you were.
Maybe it was always you making the first move to mend fences after a disagreement. Maybe it was always you who made a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Maybe it was you that came up with the special date ideas or romantic getaway suggestions. Possibly it was you that sprung the surprise gifts, gave greeting cards or love notes (just because)...etc
Sometimes we are so much in love that we neglect to see how very little love is actually being given back to us.
We mistake the crumbs that are tossed our way for a whole cake. Love is not about keeping score but if someone is "in love" with you there should be too many wonderful things they have said, done, or given you to count.
Don't Change With The Winds...
One common reason people state for "needing closure" is they believe it will help them with future relationships. Nonsense! The reason why this person dumped you could be the very reason why another person falls madly in love with you! Don't change with the direction of the winds. Be Yourself! Ultimately the goal is to find someone who loves and accepts us as we are.
When it's over accept that it's over.
Asking for "closure" at the end of relationship is often akin to asking to be slapped or kicked in the head as they walk out the door. There is nothing your ex can say that will make you feel better about having your heart broken.
One man's opinion!