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"It's Not You, It's Me..." Is Closure Really Important?

Updated on December 19, 2010

"Parting is such sweet sorrow"

Move on....

Recently I read a letter written to an advice column which detailed a relationship that ended after (3 years). The man in this relationship asked his now ex why she was dumping him and she told him. "It's not you, it's me". When he pressed her he got more (evasive) answers.

He now questions if she was ever "in love" with him. He wanted to know how could one tell if they are really in love...etc

Naturally the columnist assured him he would find true love with someone who felt the same way about him and so forth....etc

The letter got me to thinking about what's the upside to (knowing why you were dumped). Will getting "Closure" ease your pain or change reality? Will it feel better if they said, "It is YOU"?

I posted the following comment.

Feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree.

"Closure" is overrated!

All you really need to know is this person no longer wants to be with you. Asking them questions only puts them on the spot.

If they are kind they will naturally tell you things such as "It's not you, It's me".

Would you rather hear them say,

"It's YOU! Your breath stinks! I hate your friends! Sex with you is boring! I'm tired of hearing you snore!"

Would that really make you feel better???

One reason why people ending a relationship say, "It's not you, It's me" is because if they gave you a list of things chances are you’d BEG them to stay.

For example saying such things as "I'll change! I'll brush my teeth 3 times a day! I'll drop my friends, I'll buy you (The Rabbit), I'll put on some (Breathe Right) nose strips before we go to sleep....etc

Listening to someone beg, watching them drop their self dignity, crying and pleading while (knowing in your heart there is NOTHING they can say or do that would cause you stay) creates an ugly messy scene. Several months later if you were the one begging you will end up kicking yourself for behaving like that anyway.

When someone tells you it's “them and not you”, that's the truth!!!

They want to move on to a different situation.

They want to see someone else.

They feel they could do better, have more, love deeper, have more fun without you in their life.

You on the other hand are content with things as they are.They had a change of heart (you didn't).

My guess is during the course of your 3 year relationship there were Changes that took place along the way. There were Clues or Signs that she wasn't as "emotionally invested" in the relationship as you were.

Maybe it was always you making the first move to mend fences after a disagreement. Maybe it was always you who made a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Maybe it was you that came up with the special date ideas or romantic getaway suggestions. Possibly it was you that sprung the surprise gifts, gave greeting cards or love notes (just because)...etc

Sometimes we are so much in love that we neglect to see how very little love is actually being given back to us.

We mistake the crumbs that are tossed our way for a whole cake. Love is not about keeping score but if someone is "in love" with you there should be too many wonderful things they have said, done, or given you to count.

Don't Change With The Winds...

One common reason people state for "needing closure" is they believe it will help them with future relationships. Nonsense! The reason why this person dumped you could be the very reason why another person falls madly in love with you! Don't change with the direction of the winds. Be Yourself! Ultimately the goal is to find someone who loves and accepts us as we are.

When it's over accept that it's over.

Asking for "closure" at the end of relationship is often akin to asking to be slapped or kicked in the head as they walk out the door. There is nothing your ex can say that will make you feel better about having your heart broken.

One man's opinion!


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    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago

      Chriswillman90, Thanks for your comment.

      I understand it's human nature to want to ask "why?" even if it's a rhetorical question. I wrote about that in one of my articles concerning cheating. Oftentimes we ask "why?" knowing there is no answer that will pacify us. It's almost a reflex question. More often than not we really don't care about "why". What really want is to find a way stay together.

      As I stated the reason why one dumps someone could be the same reason why the next person falls madly in love with them!

      It's also possible they've already have their eye on someone else and may have already started seeing them! Naturally no one admits that one!

      All in all I still say if knowing (why) is not going to change the end result there's little benefit to having someone kick dirt in your face while you're down. Thanks again for dropping by!

    • Chriswillman90 profile image

      Krzysztof Willman 

      3 years ago from Parlin, New Jersey

      There's a lot with here that I agree with. If it's really over, then why do we want to know the reasons why. Like you said, do we really want the other person to point out all of our flaws and why they're leaving us. Maybe some do but for others I'd imagine it would only bring about more pain.

      Personally I still want to know why because of my curious nature even if it hurts. I'd want to know what I did so I can improve some of my mistakes if they're legitimate flaws.

      The "it's not you, it's me" statements reflect partial feelings of both parties. There are things you're not doing that they want from you and there are things they can't provide for you. It's also possible that the feelings just aren't there either and no one's at fault (emotions are funny that way).

      I enjoyed reading this because it got me thinking about the mechanics of a relationship and why things on the surface are often not what's underneath.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      Asteri, Thanks for your comment and congratulations on your "aha moment". You deserve someone who will love and appreciate YOU! With your newfound wisdom I am certain you will do a much better job selecting your next mate. Best of luck!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      I recently left my boyfriend of almost 3

      years whom I loved dearly And wouldve done

      anything for.. I had just had enough of being treated badly, taken for granted, lied to etc..'and

      all the other girl 'friends' that he never introducede

      to..i think i was blindly hoping that that things would

      change.. But the only one changing was me!! Into a person I don't want to be!! I'm better off without him..such a wieght off I can beyself again..but I still

      miss him it's crazy what love does to you! We had no closure and I have so many questions about what really happened andnwhen it turned bad and what couldve been done differently.. But now I realise if he had wanted it he wouldve fought for it, and he didn't so it was really what we both needed.. And I'm starting to believe the saying 'what is truly yours will never pass you by' .. New love is on the horizon.. And it makes getting

      over the past easier in some ways.. Ok I'm rambling now... :)

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      christalluna1124, Thanks for your comment.

      Closure often ends up being nothing more than asking to slapped. The reason why one person leaves us could be the same reason why another falls deeply in love with us.

      Trying to change ourselves with every direction the wind blows is a waste of time. We are much better off being ourselves and letting the chips fall where they may. :-)

    • christalluna1124 profile image


      7 years ago from Dallas Texas


      Once again an excellent hub. I totally agree...the most important thing you need to hear is that the person is no longer happy with you. To me that should be enough, I don't need excuses or reasons to make feel worse than i do. Chances are what you are told wouldn't be the truth anyway.

      Warmest Regards,


    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      Thanks for your comment Ms. Wakeelah.

      I think if one has their heart broken there is nothing that can be said or done by the person doing the dumping that will make them feel better.

      Sometimes I wonder if "closure" is more desired by women then men. :-) (The reason why one person dumps you will be the same reason why another falls in love with you).

      I think in the long run we are better off accepting things didn't work out for whatever reason and move on.

    • Ms.Wakeelah profile image


      7 years ago

      I believe that when it's over it's over, however, closure can help too. Unless it's something really extreme, it's important to explain to the person that it's over and briefly explain why. Otherwise the other person is left with a lot of questions in their head and may have a hard time moving on. I think if you're gonna set somebody free, really set them free.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      I entirely agree! Best thing to do when someone leaves is to try and accept that they fell out of love. As you say, chances are they've changed and what they want has changed. There's probably not much point asking why the person fell out of love. Suppose s/he says "because you're too skinny/you talk all the time/you never hoover the house/you want more kids?" Even if you try to change, 99 times out of a hundred IT WON'T WORK - the person already fell out of love. And what's more, the next person you fall in love may not object to any of those things anyway.

      The best thing to do when someone tells you they're leaving is to listen. Whether they say "It's me" or "it's you" or "we don't want the same things any more", that's THEIR reality and your best bet is to say: "If that's how you feel then it's understandable that you're leaving." Then watch as they go. If s/he feels later on that they made a big mistake, they'll let you know. And at that point you can both talk if you both want to. And if not, you've already made a start on rebuilding your life.


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