Can Your Girlfriend Forbid You From Watching Porn?

Veronica,

Me and my friends talk about this a lot. I want to ask you for advice on this because you are so sexual and comfortable with sex.

I am with my girl for 4 years. I love her and I would marry her tomorrow except for one simple fact. She is not willing to try things sexual. She will not watch porn with me. She is mad if she catches me with any and I am in trouble. She will only do maybe 2 positions. (omitted) I can not spend the rest of my life trapped in her tiny world of sex. What should I do? And I don't want the politcal correct answer. I want the Veronica three martini answer please.

Alvin

Dear Alvin,

Thanks for reading me. And thanks for your question. And now here's my three martini answer.

I applaud you! I'm standing on my chair clapping my hands above my head! You are completely right. You should not enter into a lifetime commitment where you can not be yourself. That marriage would be doomed.

Whenever anyone tells me they can't do something like watch porn or go to a bar, or they will be in trouble with their partner, I cringe. Marriage/partnership is not a contract of ownership. Well, not unless you're agreeing to a power exchange situation, but I digress. A partnership is not supposed to mean you're in trouble for doing something you choose to do as long as no one is hurt. Why the hell should you have to give up things you like for fear of your partner's disapproval?

Some couples need to find compromise on some things. But no one has the right to forbid you from doing things you like. And how dare anyone be holier-than-thou and try to make you feel guilty for enjoying your sexuality. That's just wrong.

If this is the kind of girl who thinks she has the right to punish you if she catches you with harmless porn, something you've let her know you enjoy, then this situation is only a precursor of things to come. You want a wife, not a nun. You want a partner, not a parole officer. And you certainly don't want anyone that thinks they can judge you and control you.

That being said, let me see if I need to wave a finger at you too. Did you agree to her limits and then break them behind her back? If you did, than you set the stage for failure. She had no right to place that limit on you. But in turn, you have no right to lie. I know so many men that are guilty of this. They want to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, so they lie. They flat out lie, thinking the situation will just go away. If this is the case then you made a vital mistake agreeing to her face that you would abide by her unreasonable demands. Therefore she had every reason to believe this was a closed issue. So now, you aren't just dealing with porn, you're dealing with her mistrust and her having to defend her false sense of security. And that's all your fault.

So what now. What do you do to rectify this situation. My advice usually comes around to this: Honesty.

You need to sit this chick down pronto. You need to tell her like you told me. You need to be honest and open here. You need to tell her, you want to marry her, but you will not spend the rest of your life being judged, or limited, or punished for things that you believe are not wrong. You want to enjoy a broader sexual and intimate relationship with her. It's one thing if she's tried something and doesn't like it. It's totally another that she hasn't been open at all to your ideas. Why should you be the only one making sacrifices? You need to tell her you enjoy watching porn, and you'd like to share that with her. It could be intimate and fun. You need to TELL, not ask, but TELL her that she has no right to expect you to be someone you're not. And if that is what she wants, than she should go out and find this person that you are not.

You also need to apologize, if applicable, for having gone along with the limits she set. You need to acknowledge that this situation has gone as far as it has because you were afraid to stand up to her about this. You were afraid of confrontation, and you handled it wrong. You need to validate that there are more feelings involved now with this because of your avoidance. You need to let her know you own that part of the problem and you are sorry for having lied or omitted anything.

Tell her you want to build a relationship. A real one. An honest one. Different from before. And you'd love to be married to her. But things have to be different. She has to accept you the way you accept her. And you will be honest, the way she has.

I hope that she sees this crossroad as an opportunity to fix past transgressions and build something real and lasting.

Alvin, you have to go into that conversation realizing that there is a very good chance of the relationship ending. There is a problem with a person that thinks they can judge you and punish you if you don't behave how they want you to behave. I hope you find the courage and self respect to handle whatever comes from this. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be with YOU, not what they can change you into.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

Videos are courtesy of YouTube.

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