How to Deal With Your Cheating Boyfriend

Or maybe a cheating husband – most if this will also apply to a cheating spouse.

So, you have a great guy and everything is going great. That’s what you think—until your intuition kicks in. He’s staying at work until all hours. He’s wearing cologne more often. He has a new haircut and some new clothes, is acting a little strange. You suspect you have a cheating boyfriend.

Hold on…he can’t be cheating, you think. But, then you check into it and get confirmation. So, after the shock, the anger, the disbelief, and the tears, you need to decide what you must do next.

Okay. I’m a guy. So from my point of view, before you make any rash decisions, ask these questions:

• · Do you have an understanding about cheating—did you and your cheating boyfriend or cheating husband talk about what the term “cheating” means to each of you?
• · Are you married or living together? Do you have a mutual understanding about “cheating” as a married or cohabitating couple?
• · Are you single, not living together, but DO have a mutual understanding? 

Note: If you have not talked to your man about this, and you DON’T have an understanding, it wouldn’t be fair to get angry. Don’t read any further, but DO talk to him.

Just remember that men have different views about cheating and what constitutes ACTUAL cheating; that’s why it’s important you have a mutual understanding about what the two of you consider cheating. Seriously, some men think you aren’t cheating if all you are doing is making out. Some men think oral sex isn’t cheating either…that only the act of sexual intercourse itself is the REAL cheat.

Anyhow, once you have confirmation (proof or admission) that he’s cheated, you have three options:

1. Forgive Him and Forget
2. Take him Back Carefully
3. Ditch Him and Move On

OK, so Option 1 is the easiest for him and the hardest for you. A lot depends upon your reaction, how much you trusted him in the first place and how hurt you are. He’s probably told you:

• It didn’t mean anything and he’s sorry.
• It was a one-time, one-night affair and he’s sorry.
• Its been too long since the two of you had sex and he couldn’t help himself (and he’s sorry).
• He loves you and asks you to forgive him (and he’s sorry).

If you can’t imagine life without him and you believe that he’s truly sorry and won’t do it again, go ahead, forgive and forget. But, the forget part might be more difficult than you think. Just remember, if you do this, you can’t needle him about this act of infidelity for the rest of his life. If you do, you’ll lose him for sure. If you are going to forgive him, do it and don’t bring it up again.

OK, You have a cheating boyfriend,  or cheating husband? But, you don’t think you can live without him?  Consider this “middle-ground” solution.  You probably love this man and you are HURT beyond words, but you can’t imagine a future without him. So now you have to decide:

• What has to change regarding the dynamics of your relationship.
• What he must do to earn your trust again.

This middle-ground solution usually requires the help and intervention of a good relationship counselor. You should probably make a list of the things that must change (you will have a date night each week, he won’t work late anymore) and prioritize them.

Once you  have your list, you should talk with him openly about what you think should change.  However, you should also listen carefully about what he thinks because “something” made him a cheating boyfriend in the first place. You need to fix that “something”—if it CAN be fixed. These suggestions work only if he’s being completely honest about why he strayed.

Remember in the Sex and the City movie when Steve admitted he’d cheated—just once—he couldn’t help it? Miranda simply could not deal with it and she told him “you broke us”. So they parted, but months later, Steve was still begging for forgiveness and Miranda’s friends suggested that maybe she should consider taking him back. So, she realized that he was a special man, important to her, and she still loved  him. She took her cheating husband back carefully—after they had counseling.

You have confirmation. Your boyfriend cheated. Your spouse cheated. Your husband cheated. To you, this is a deal breaker. This means that if he can’t be faithful, he’s OUT. Some women simply won’t accept cheating at any level. If you’re one of these women, you probably wouldn’t consider the other two options I’ve outlined here.

Did you tell your boyfriend clearly and carefully early on that you won’t accept any kind of cheating? If so, he shouldn’t have any excuse. He may have even done it on purpose to sabotage your relationship. Maybe he wanted out, but didn’t know how to tell you?

Seriously, there are lots of reasons men cheat. Whatever the reason, if the two of you had a clear understanding about how you both define cheating, and he did it, give him his walking papers.

I know a woman who dated a guy for several months and found out he was smoking black tar heroin in her bathroom. For her, the rule was—if he does drugs, he’s gone! It was her deal-breaker. And when it happened, she didn’t blink an eye. She told him to leave, even though he was crying and lamenting that he only tried it once and didn’t even like it (the oldest story in the book). In her case, she had no tolerance for drugs. For some women, a boyfriend cheating is a deal-breaker. It causes the death of the relationship. It’s a done deal and there’s no going back, no matter what the guy says!

In this case, just do it. Don’t waver. Don’t give in and regret it later. You know what you will accept and what you won’t. Tell your cheating boyfriend, your cheating spouse, or your cheating husband to leave. It’s over!