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Why Did He Cheat With HER?!

Updated on May 13, 2012

Looks aren't everything....

Over the years I've come to realize questions that begin with the word "Why" are more often than not “rhetorical questions”. This is especially true when we ask “Why” someone has hurt us.

It’s not as if we are actually looking to gain some “insight” or “understanding”. We have pretty much decided there is no justification for the person’s actions. In fact we usually have decided whether we want to continue in the relationship. The majority of us believe there is NO answer that is going to cause us to "understand", "empathize", or "forgive" the betrayal. “Why” is just a "reflex question" similar to WTF? Others of us want to hear what “lame excuse” they will come up with. A “Why” question is often an indication there is a disagreement lurking

Armed with this knowledge I have decided to proceed with offering one explanation of why a man would cheat on a woman that looks like a "model" with a woman who is considered far less attractive in the eyes of most people.

Companionship & Romance

One of the perks of being in a monogamous relationship is having steady companionship. For the most part companionship gives love its depth. It helps us to build trust and we learn to count on each other. All great relationships are between people that cherish being around one another. Many people place much more value on the companionship aspect of a relationship than they do on the sexual or romantic side.

Romance, sexual intimacy and passion is generally considered less significant in a relationship. We are often told this aspect of love eventually fades. It’s so ingrained in us that those who disagree are often belittled for making sex a high priority in a relationship or marriage.

However it is our romantic/sexual desire for one another that separates “relationship love” from that of (paternal love, sibling love, and friendship love). Sexual desire for our mates is what makes the companionship of a significant other or spouse that much more special. A relationship without romance/sex is a friendhsip and a marriage without sex is being roommates with the same last name. If a couple is not careful it's easy to put romance on the back burner. The person who "wants more" learns to back off after being rejected or observing very little enthusiasm coming from their mate.

Sexless in LA

According to a story published in several news outlets Arnold Schwarzenegger claims his marriage to Maria Shriver was for the most part sexless.

Whether we believe him or not only the two of them know what was or was not going on in their bedroom. Again I remind you there is no “reason or explanation” that would be suitable for everyone.

Is bad sex a legitimate reason to end a relationship?

An unhappy man is more likely to cheat than run down to the courthouse. This is especially true if his major complaint is of a sexual nature.

I knew of a barber in Southern California who has been married for over 25 years. When he married his wife she was a virgin. He on the other hand had several sex partners in his past. Like most men he really enjoyed receiving oral sex. His wife on the other hand never got into giving or receiving it. Left with the options of filing for divorce from the woman he loves, going the rest of his life without oral sex, or finding someone to cheat with he chose to cheat. The cheater seeks to hold onto what is good in his primary relationship while fulfilling his other needs or desires on the side.

He doesn’t want to walk away from a relationship he considers to be 75-80% great. It’s almost a cliché to hear of a mistress being warned by her friends that men who promise to leave their wives rarely do. Women initiate 66% of divorces in America. That would suggest there is some truth to the statement the man is not likely to leave his wife by choice.

Each of us is entitled to our own “deal breakers” and for many people bad sex or no sex is not a reason to end a relationship or marriage.

Cheating is rarely about looks!

Most cheaters who are caught usually are discovered with someone who is either considered the equivalent or less attractive than their mates with the exception of those hiring high-priced escorts. It usually comes down to fulfilling a need of some kind.

Sometimes the need is ego driven as in the case of “The Incessant Cheater” whose motto is “variety is the spice of life”. He loves to flirt and seduce women. Most likely he has never been faithful in any long-term relationship.

Ego also plays a part in the motivations of “The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater”. He was not actually looking to cheat but an unbelievable opportunity fell into his lap. The woman may be “out of his league” (beautiful, famous, rich/powerful) or someone he has had a secret crush on. When the “once in a lifetime chance” presented itself in his mind to say “no” would have been the equivalent of throwing away a winning lottery ticket. His motto is “The best way to deal with temptation is to yield to it!”

Finally we have “The Discontented Cheater”. Of the 3 basic types of cheaters this is the one who actually feels “justified” on some level. He sees his cheating as being the result of something his mate is not doing for him….(sexually, showing appreciation, respect, admiration, or she complains more than compliments and he feels taken for granted. Bottom line in his mind is he is “reacting” to how he is being treated.

It’s almost a sure bet if a man is caught cheating he is going to claim to belong to “The Discontented” group. It’s the only one of the three that might elicit some marginal empathy and forgiveness.

From Bars to Cars

Instead of illustrating how a man might go on the prowl in a bar lets take a car analogy.

Imagine a man owning a beautiful Porsche Carrera GT sports car. He is the envy of every man in town. However what no one knows is he is only allowed to take it out on the road once a week around the block at 30 miles per hour.

Meanwhile there is a Ford Mustang across the street that is available for him to drive as often as he wants, as fast as he wants, with the top up or down, for as long as he wants.

One day while driving the Mustang he is stopped for speeding.

Everyone in his neighborhood is shocked and wonders why he would be driving a Ford Mustang when he owns an amazing looking Porsche Carrera GT.

Several of the men mumble to themselves, “If I had a Porsche you wouldn't catch me dead in a Ford of any kind!” The women in the neighborhood are just as astonished. “If that is his type then he should have given up the Porsche to be with the Mustang.

Ironically in most instances we think it’s shallow to judge someone by their physical appearance. However the majority of us tend be hypocrites in situations like this. We naturally start to compare things visually.

The Help

Most cheaters are looking to avoid being caught.

The number one criteria of cheating is lying whether it be directly or by omission to conceal a cheater’s behavior. Betrayal is always done in secret.

Having sex with “the help” as Arnold did or other celebrities like Robin Williams and Jude Law allows the cheater to be at home instead of “missing” when he commits his betrayal. It’s convenient and also an ego boost.

Odds are someone working for a rich and famous person admires them. They are awestruck and place their famous employer on a pedestal. By contrast his wife or significant other stopped doing that long ago. Sleeping with the help is equivalent to picking low hanging fruit. It’s easy and it’s safe.

The famous man doesn’t have to make false promises to the other woman nor does he have to come up with ways to meet her behind his wife’s back. The last person anyone would suspect their mate to be cheating with is a domestic employee. The other woman may view herself as working in tandem with the wife to keep the husband happy. Her relationship with the man becomes an “unofficial polygamist arrangement”.

We will never know if Arnold and Maria had a sexless marriage.

The majority of people would believe even if that were the case he should have pushed for them to get counseling or filed for divorce. There is no answer or explanation which will satisfy us. Since we have already made up our minds what’s the point of asking “Why”?


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    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Oh C'mon Dashing....they get way more than just "OLD."

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      It's good to be back!

      Seems like there are a few new questions that have nothing to do with politics and religion. After a while those question get old! :)

      Have a wonderful weekend!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Whew! Seriously you little skunk, Pepe! I was very concerned about you. So glad to know you were merely taking a break. We could all benefit by doing that.

      So, now I suppose since you're all rested and refreshed, back in the saddle, you'll be gracing us with your wisdom once again. We're ready for you!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Yes, I need a break. :)

      However I am back in the saddle today.

      My guess is Arnold along with a lot of other celebrities believe the best way to be "discrete" when cheating is with the nanny or security staff/body guards. Very few people on the outside would question them being together.

      Thanks for noticing I was MIA. LOL!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      dashing....I want to know....are you cheating on US? WHERE have you been? I haven't seen your Pepe Le Pew butt since we women tormented you and tired you out with your "Men asking attractive women for a date question!!! LMAO!

      I notice when one of our "regulars" is missing. I also have to find them and make sure they're "OK." My dominant side is MATERNAL.....Hope you're just taking a break or better yet, on a fabulous vacation! I worry about people. See you soon? Paula

      God only knows WTH Arnold was thinking. Or as my sister used to say when some guy cheated: "Guess he was thinking with his "little" head!!" The son from that illicit union is a very good looking young man!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Nyamache, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment.

      Your statement; "There are those who (claim) that they cheat because.." proves my point as to why it is useless most of the time to ask a cheater (why). The majority of us are ready to slam whatever "reason" or "excuse" they (claim) is the cause. Asking (why) is pretty much a "rhetorical question" where there is no answer that will satisfy us. Thanks again for your comment!

    • Nyamache profile image

      Joshua Nyamache 5 years ago from Kenya

      There are many reasons why men cheat. Some men have got high ego which are not met by their wives. There are those who claim that they cheat because their wives nag them and they don’t appreciate their efforts. Other men cheat because they find their wives unattractive; their wives no longer take care of themselves to be attractive as they used to do before.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      wisdom25, Thanks for your comment. You make a vaild point about "the thought of a woman wanting that man". Too many women don't realize that men love to feel sexually desired. I dicussed this in my hub; What Makes A Woman Good In Bed?

      When a man does not feel his wife desires him sexually or is only doing him "a favor" when she does have sex with him it's only natural for him to be tempted by a woman who actually hits on him or strokes his ego. Both women and men need to remember just because you're married doesn't mean you stop flirting and seducing one another. One man's opinion! :-)

    • wisdom25 profile image

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 6 years ago from San Tan Valley

      I guess it's the thought of a woman wanting that man that increases his sexual desire. It is kind of funny though that most dudes cheat on their wives with an ugly woman. And when they look back in the past, they;re like it wasn't worth it. Great Article and much love and respect

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      gmwilliams, Thanks for your comment and the vote up! Anyone who has ever watched an episode of the TV shows "Cheaters" or "The Maury Povich Show" aka (You are NOT the father!) is aware that men don't have a monopoly when it comes to cheating. Both Monogamy and Cheating are choices (individuals) make. I don't believe gender has much to do with it. Honesty, Character, and personal integrity determines each individual's choices. Thanks again for stopping by!

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      To dashingscorpio: Men cheat on their wives and/or on significant others because the relationship has gone stale, the wives and/or significant other forget they are lovers first, their sexual lives are vanilla, instead of chocolate(you know what I mean), and wives and/or significant others take the relationship for granted.

      Now here are the others reasons men cheat on their wives and/or significant others: because they are men are believe that they have the right to "conquer" i.e. bed as many women as possible, to assuage their male ego especially as they get older, they want to dominate and their wives and/or significant others are not going to play into that, and they have outgrown the relationship but cannot/will not separate and/or divorce from their wives either for socioeconomic and/or religious reasons. Your hub is an excellent read, voted up, and this should be required reading for all couples.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Arlene V. Poma, You made my point! No one "really cares" what is going on in someone else's bedroom. Therefore we really don't care for answers to the question "Why?" and yet many of us ask this question after every cheating scandal. I'm sure a lot of people feel Whitney Houston could have done a lot better than marrying Bobby Brown. :-) Some women are just attracted to the "bad boys".

    • profile image

      Arlene V. Poma 6 years ago

      As a resident of California, all I know is this: Arnold did what he did because he could. Personally, I don't care what these people did or didn't do in their bedroom. For years, Arnold and Maria were walking oddities and tourist attractions in Sacramento. Arnold, in film and in real life, is the original Conan the Barbarian. Maria was asking for it when she married Arnold. She could have done better with a big, beefy American guy.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      showuright, Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment.

      You really do know how to throw gas on the fire! lol! However my standard response is:

      "Monogamy becomes boring when couples become lazy":-)

    • showuright profile image

      showuright 6 years ago from Southeast

      Your title says it all- "Looks aren't everything"! With that said, can one person be everything to someone and is it natural as a human being to be faithful? Just throwing some gas in the fire. ;)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Pamela N Red, You are soooooooooo right!

      Men want to feel desired! I mentioned this in another hub I wrote titled "Sex And The Married Man". Both women and men are guilty of sometimes taking each other for granted once they are "emotionally invested" in their relationship. Deep down each of us never loses the desire to "feel special", "desired", or "wanted". We should never stop pursuing those we love even after we've married them.

    • Pamela N Red profile image

      Pamela N Red 6 years ago from Oklahoma

      Sexy will trump beautiful every time. There is nothing more sexy to a man then a woman who finds him desirable and has that "come hither" look in her eyes.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      danielleantosz, Trust me you are not alone! Just about everyone was wondering the same thing! lol

      It's funny how we always say judging someone by their looks is "shallow" and yet we all do it in situations like this.

      We automatically assume the beautiful person is doing/offering "everything" the less attractive person is. Unfortunately sometimes "beautiful people" don't feel the need to put in the same effort to keep their mate happy. The average looking or less attractive people tend to subscribe to old Avis car rental ads philosophy "At Avis we try harder." Truthfully we'll never know if Arnold and Maria had a "sexless marriage" or if she was "rocking his world" 4-5 nights a week! I just wanted to let people know (most men in unhappy marriges rarely file for divorce). They either learn to "go along to get along" or they cheat. Never mistake silence for agreement.

    • danielleantosz profile image

      danielleantosz 6 years ago from Florida

      I def. had that though with an ex "REALLY, her???" Great insight.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Xkom, Thanks for stopping by to read and comment on my hub.

      Ellana, I guess there most be some truth to there being "random thoughts" in the universe where various people can be thinking the same thing! :-) Thanks for your comment.

    • profile image

      Ellana 6 years ago

      Hi Dashingscorpio,

      We're in a Love, Sex, and Relationship series at church and yesterday we covered cheating. It's crazy how my pastor's sermon mirrored alot of the things stated in your hub. (random thought...LOL) Anyway, very well said sir. Good Day!

    • profile image

      Xkom 6 years ago

      Always inspirational great Hub dashingscorpio

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      ubanichijioke, Thanks for your comment!

    • ubanichijioke profile image

      Alexander Thandi Ubani 6 years ago from Lagos

      Truly revealing. These reasons proffered are sufficient. Thanks for sharing.


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