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Why Did He Cheat With HER?!

Updated on May 13, 2012

Looks aren't everything....

Over the years I've come to realize questions that begin with the word "Why" are more often than not “rhetorical questions”. This is especially true when we ask “Why” someone has hurt us.

It’s not as if we are actually looking to gain some “insight” or “understanding”. We have pretty much decided there is no justification for the person’s actions. In fact we usually have decided whether we want to continue in the relationship. The majority of us believe there is NO answer that is going to cause us to "understand", "empathize", or "forgive" the betrayal. “Why” is just a "reflex question" similar to WTF? Others of us want to hear what “lame excuse” they will come up with. A “Why” question is often an indication there is a disagreement lurking

Armed with this knowledge I have decided to proceed with offering one explanation of why a man would cheat on a woman that looks like a "model" with a woman who is considered far less attractive in the eyes of most people.

Companionship & Romance

One of the perks of being in a monogamous relationship is having steady companionship. For the most part companionship gives love its depth. It helps us to build trust and we learn to count on each other. All great relationships are between people that cherish being around one another. Many people place much more value on the companionship aspect of a relationship than they do on the sexual or romantic side.

Romance, sexual intimacy and passion is generally considered less significant in a relationship. We are often told this aspect of love eventually fades. It’s so ingrained in us that those who disagree are often belittled for making sex a high priority in a relationship or marriage.

However it is our romantic/sexual desire for one another that separates “relationship love” from that of (paternal love, sibling love, and friendship love). Sexual desire for our mates is what makes the companionship of a significant other or spouse that much more special. A relationship without romance/sex is a friendhsip and a marriage without sex is being roommates with the same last name. If a couple is not careful it's easy to put romance on the back burner. The person who "wants more" learns to back off after being rejected or observing very little enthusiasm coming from their mate.

Sexless in LA

According to a story published in several news outlets Arnold Schwarzenegger claims his marriage to Maria Shriver was for the most part sexless.

Whether we believe him or not only the two of them know what was or was not going on in their bedroom. Again I remind you there is no “reason or explanation” that would be suitable for everyone.

Is bad sex a legitimate reason to end a relationship?

An unhappy man is more likely to cheat than run down to the courthouse. This is especially true if his major complaint is of a sexual nature.

I knew of a barber in Southern California who has been married for over 25 years. When he married his wife she was a virgin. He on the other hand had several sex partners in his past. Like most men he really enjoyed receiving oral sex. His wife on the other hand never got into giving or receiving it. Left with the options of filing for divorce from the woman he loves, going the rest of his life without oral sex, or finding someone to cheat with he chose to cheat. The cheater seeks to hold onto what is good in his primary relationship while fulfilling his other needs or desires on the side.

He doesn’t want to walk away from a relationship he considers to be 75-80% great. It’s almost a cliché to hear of a mistress being warned by her friends that men who promise to leave their wives rarely do. Women initiate 66% of divorces in America. That would suggest there is some truth to the statement the man is not likely to leave his wife by choice.

Each of us is entitled to our own “deal breakers” and for many people bad sex or no sex is not a reason to end a relationship or marriage.

Cheating is rarely about looks!

Most cheaters who are caught usually are discovered with someone who is either considered the equivalent or less attractive than their mates with the exception of those hiring high-priced escorts. It usually comes down to fulfilling a need of some kind.

Sometimes the need is ego driven as in the case of “The Incessant Cheater” whose motto is “variety is the spice of life”. He loves to flirt and seduce women. Most likely he has never been faithful in any long-term relationship.

Ego also plays a part in the motivations of “The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater”. He was not actually looking to cheat but an unbelievable opportunity fell into his lap. The woman may be “out of his league” (beautiful, famous, rich/powerful) or someone he has had a secret crush on. When the “once in a lifetime chance” presented itself in his mind to say “no” would have been the equivalent of throwing away a winning lottery ticket. His motto is “The best way to deal with temptation is to yield to it!”

Finally we have “The Discontented Cheater”. Of the 3 basic types of cheaters this is the one who actually feels “justified” on some level. He sees his cheating as being the result of something his mate is not doing for him….(sexually, showing appreciation, respect, admiration, or she complains more than compliments and he feels taken for granted. Bottom line in his mind is he is “reacting” to how he is being treated.

It’s almost a sure bet if a man is caught cheating he is going to claim to belong to “The Discontented” group. It’s the only one of the three that might elicit some marginal empathy and forgiveness.

From Bars to Cars

Instead of illustrating how a man might go on the prowl in a bar lets take a car analogy.

Imagine a man owning a beautiful Porsche Carrera GT sports car. He is the envy of every man in town. However what no one knows is he is only allowed to take it out on the road once a week around the block at 30 miles per hour.

Meanwhile there is a Ford Mustang across the street that is available for him to drive as often as he wants, as fast as he wants, with the top up or down, for as long as he wants.

One day while driving the Mustang he is stopped for speeding.

Everyone in his neighborhood is shocked and wonders why he would be driving a Ford Mustang when he owns an amazing looking Porsche Carrera GT.

Several of the men mumble to themselves, “If I had a Porsche you wouldn't catch me dead in a Ford of any kind!” The women in the neighborhood are just as astonished. “If that is his type then he should have given up the Porsche to be with the Mustang.

Ironically in most instances we think it’s shallow to judge someone by their physical appearance. However the majority of us tend be hypocrites in situations like this. We naturally start to compare things visually.

The Help

Most cheaters are looking to avoid being caught.

The number one criteria of cheating is lying whether it be directly or by omission to conceal a cheater’s behavior. Betrayal is always done in secret.

Having sex with “the help” as Arnold did or other celebrities like Robin Williams and Jude Law allows the cheater to be at home instead of “missing” when he commits his betrayal. It’s convenient and also an ego boost.

Odds are someone working for a rich and famous person admires them. They are awestruck and place their famous employer on a pedestal. By contrast his wife or significant other stopped doing that long ago. Sleeping with the help is equivalent to picking low hanging fruit. It’s easy and it’s safe.

The famous man doesn’t have to make false promises to the other woman nor does he have to come up with ways to meet her behind his wife’s back. The last person anyone would suspect their mate to be cheating with is a domestic employee. The other woman may view herself as working in tandem with the wife to keep the husband happy. Her relationship with the man becomes an “unofficial polygamist arrangement”.

We will never know if Arnold and Maria had a sexless marriage.

The majority of people would believe even if that were the case he should have pushed for them to get counseling or filed for divorce. There is no answer or explanation which will satisfy us. Since we have already made up our minds what’s the point of asking “Why”?


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