Divorcing a Narcissist
Free At Last?
A word that many feel when leaving a bad marriage, but are you really free?
Divorcing a narcissist, that has abused you with emotional, financial, and/or physical abuse can be as bad as being in the marriage at times. When divorcing a person like this, you have to keep your walls up and be vigilant. This is their last grasp at control over you, but you can't let them win. You're stronger than the control they "think" they have over you.
“Relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life, to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give your everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it.”
— Bree Bonchay
- Don't Engage
It is hard when you feel as though you're being attacked with words to not attack back, but this will allow you to not give them the control their seeking. Instead of replying back (I recommend to use texting or email for communication only) to them, try sending what your reply would be to a trusted friend or family member. You'll be able to have your voice without giving them the satisfaction of a response.
- Support System
Build a support system of trusted people, not those that might run back them with your words. Your support system will be one to carry you through this and help you stay in control of your new life. I'd even suggest finding a support group with those that have gone through this. It will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and that you will get there.
Use the resources out there. Whether it is public assistance or a counselor, use it, as this will help you stay grounded. I've seen how hard it can be with the loss of income to not run back.
This one might not apply to everyone, but it is something I feel should be noted.
- Exchange of Children in Public
This is a big one if children are involved! Children can be used as a weapon, but also it involves contact with said person, which can cause a volatile situation. Police stations are a great place to arrange pick-up and drop-off. I'd also, ALWAYS have a person with you that can help if needed in an emergency. For myself, my abuser wouldn't do anything if others were around. Never deviate from the planned place for pick-up and drop-off.
Stand your ground and don't let them bully you. It will be scary, intimidating, and stressful until it's over, but you can do it. Divorcing a narcissist can be dangerous, so I would always have a plan B. My plan B was a safe place that no one else knew of for the kids and me to go. There will always be a pit in your stomach when you have to come in contact with them, but they will no longer have control over you.
© 2019 Katie Kellerman