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Knowing the difference between falling in love and real love is the secret.

Updated on May 14, 2016

One of the most common confusions among people is that of falling in love and real love. This confusion has resulted and is still resulting in many broken hearts and tragedies. The first thing that pops up in the person falling in love is “Oh, I’m really in love with him” or “I’m really in love with her”. Enchanted with the experience, they fail to notice two important things. The first is that falling in love is sexually motivated. The second is that this experience is always temporary. Regardless of whom we fall in love with them, we will fall out of love sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time. This doesn’t mean that we would stop loving them. But that state of bless we experience at the beginning will soon fade away.

1. Falling in love:

When we fall in love, we think that the person we love is perfect and we see ourselves and them as one. We don’t see ourselves separate from them. We think our joys are theirs and our problems are their own and vice versa. We become ready to do anything in our power to make them happy, because seeing them smiling brings us joy and happiness. We become creative in the art of love by doing unexpected actions to make them feel satisfied and happy.

When we are under the spell of falling in love, we think that everything is possible and that we can overcome any difficulties as long as our partners are by our side.

Though there may be big differences between us and our loved ones, we fail to see them. We completely accept them as they are and we say yes to anything they want. We are blinded by the magic of the stage of falling in love.

When we fall in love, we think the experience will last forever. Doctor peck Scott says in his book “the road less travelled”, “the experience of falling in love probably must have as one of its characteristics the illusion that the experience will last forever. This illusion is fostered in our culture by the commonly held myth of romantic love, which has its origins in our favorite childhood fairy tales, wherein the prince and princess, once united, live happily ever after.”

Scott peck continues in his book to explain that this myth convinces us that for every person on the earth, there is another person who is meant for him or her and it’s just a matter of time and they will meet.

However, Sooner or later, the experience of falling in love passes and the honeymoon ends. Only then, the couple would be able to see that they are not one and they are two different individuals. Each has their own private life and their own dreams, preferences and attitudes. They realize that they are not a perfect match as they thought. They may come to the conclusion that they have made a mistake by getting together.

2. Real love:

When the irrational phase of falling in love passes, the emotions become less intense, things become normal and the motivation fades. The couple either decide to deepen the relationship or break up.

If they opt for the first choice, they embark on the experience of real love which is based on reason and commitment. They agree to love each other and they work to make their relationship succeed and continue. They decide to live with each other and help each other to grow. To do this, they accept one another as two different individuals and everyone seeks to understand the other by being open, honest and tolerant.

Unlike the experience of falling in love in which the couple depend on each other, in real love, you are able to live without your partner, but you want to stay in the relationship as Doctor Scott Peck says “"Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other".

Real love is driven by both reason and emotion. Love doesn’t bring you happiness since happiness is elusive and fluctuating. It brings you growth instead. When you approach love with the purpose of growing and contributing to the growth of your partner, there is a great chance your relationship would be healthy and successful.

In real love, you love yourself before expecting your partner to love you. The biggest mistake most people make is expecting their partners to make them experience love. In fact, no one can make you feel love if you don’t produce it within yourself and even if it happens it will soon disappear. Doctor Peck Scott says “"We are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined".

Falling in love might be easy as it is not a conscious act. It’s out of your control. However, loving a person is a process of continuous effort. When you love a person, you commit yourself to helping him/her to grow and feel happy. Loving a person doesn’t mean responding to your fleeting emotions and moods. Rather, it demands patience, honesty, and some hard work.

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    • Said Bouslama profile image
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      Said Bouslama 15 months ago

      Thank you Mr. Youssef

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      Youssef 15 months ago

      Well said Mr. Bouslama. Great work.