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"You Can't Help Who You Fall In Love With..." Really?

Updated on March 30, 2013

"I know he's no good but I can't help but love him"

Love Just Happens....

I think it's a very romantic notion to believe we have no control over whom we fall in love with. However in reality we actually have to say YES an awful lot of times before we become “an item” with someone.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

First there is a request to exchange contact information. A "No" here would stop things in their tracks. The next thing is agreeing to go out and spend some time together (Another “Yes”) This one here leads to future dates.

Eventually someone leans in for a kiss (Yes/accepts, No/turns head or pushes away. Another date is proposed (once again there is an opportunity to say Yes or No. Someone makes a sexual move (Yes/Accept) or (No/reject). You are told things and you must decide to (Trust/Yes or Not/No). Each and every time there was an opportunity to retreat by saying “NO” or move forward by saying, “Yes”, the person that “fell in love” elected to say yes.

“How Did This Happen To Me?”

At any given point saying NO would have stopped a relationship from developing. It's amazing how people can say YES 100 times and when things go bad they act as though things just "happened" or it was beyond their control.

There is no escaping the fact that WE Choose Our Own friends, lovers, and spouses.

If you want an apple but buy an onion instead, whose fault is that?

It’s a waste of time and energy to curse the onion for not tasting like an apple.

We impulsively say yes to people who don’t possess the traits we claim we want in a mate. There really is no point in creating a “shopping list” if you are going to ignore what is on it and instead purchase the candy bars, gum, chips, and National Inquirer when you get to the cashier. Every friend, lover, or spouse who has entered into your life is someone you consciously said “Yes” to at some point. They didn’t magically fall out of the sky and land into your life. There was no, “It’s bigger than the both of us” moment.

You made a choice and if it turned out bad assume responsibility and then promise yourself to do better. You can “help who you fall in love with” by only dating those who fit your ideal criteria. Acknowledging “choice” is empowering!

Know thyself…

What it comes down to is a person has to know themself, what they want, and need from another person.Hopefully with experience comes maturity and wisdom to help the person stick to the items on their "shopping list" and avoid making "impulsive decisions".

Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions.

The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart!

One man's opinion!

Loving by choice...

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    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      4 years ago

      I forgot to mention that I included this hub in the workbook section of my book: My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Relationship-E...

    • Janellhihi profile image

      Janell Hihi 

      4 years ago from Minneapolis

      Cheers to that! I am all about making better choices this year! Happy New Years!

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      4 years ago

      Janellhihi, Thanks so much for stopping by and posting your comment.

      Remembering we always have choices is what builds self-empowerment. Those who say (we can't help who we fall in love with) essentially are saying they're "powerless" and it's a waste of time to try and learn from past bad relationships.

      After all love strikes them "randomly" without any input from them!

      My goal was to remind everyone just how many times we (choose) to say "yes" on the way to falling in love. Our lives are for the most part the end result of the (choices & decisions) we've made along the way.

      Happy New Year!

    • Janellhihi profile image

      Janell Hihi 

      4 years ago from Minneapolis

      I have to agree. People will slowly reveal who they really are. At that point we must use our better judgement and stop it from developing. I like your perspective because it all comes down to choice.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      5 years ago

      jenbeach21 , Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. Making choices with Awareness and Self-empowerment are the keys to selecting the "right mate" for each of us. :-)

      I talk a lot about this in my book; "My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)"

    • jenbeach21 profile image

      jenbeach21 

      5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      I agree completely with this hub. We all make choices and too many people these days don't take responsibility for those choices. Shared and voted up.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      6 years ago

      Susci, We are in agreement! :-)

      Taking a risk means we are “choosing” to do something. In essence that is the point I’m making with this hub. Each of us "selects" our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Therefore (we CAN help who we fall in love with). We have to say, "Yes" for things to move forward.

      Thanks again for your comment!

    • profile image

      Susci 

      6 years ago

      Yes. I agree to what you said. One has to open his or her heart in order to fall in love. On the other hand, saying yes means you take the risk and the possibility of being hurt if the relationship don't work out.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      6 years ago

      Susci, Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and leaving your comment. I partially agree with you about love sneaking in the middle of the night. However I see it more like waking up one day to find a rose is in bloom.

      It comes about from the seed YOU bought/chose, planted, and the water you used to Nurture it. Without those prior steps their would be no rose to bloom in your back yard.

      In order to fall in love one has to (open their heart to that possibility). If they had made up their mind not to let anyone get close to them they would shut down or reject anyone who approaches them much like a girl refusing a dance. We can't move forward until we say "Yes". Saying yes means we had a "choice". Whenever there is a choice made you can't really say something "just happened".

      One man's opinion! :-)

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      6 years ago

      collegegirl909,

      Thanks for your comment.

      Sorry to hear about your experience. I suppose each of us gets our turn at the "misery wheel". I just wanted to remind everyone that we "choose" to spin it. Our real power comes from being "aware" that we have the power to choose to go along or not go along each step of the way. We are responsible for our own decisions. Therefore we can learn to make better ones in the future!

    • collegegirl909 profile image

      collegegirl909 

      6 years ago

      This is so true I mean same happened too me and all and boom one day I felt like I was a worse nightmare.. but already 6 months ago it happened and i still wonder was it a bad dream sadly no it really all happened too me.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      7 years ago

      DjBryle, Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and voting it up! You so right! The brain was placed higher than the heart!

    • DjBryle profile image

      DjBryle 

      7 years ago from Somewhere in the LINES of your MIND, and HOPEFULLY at the RIPPLES of your HEART. =)

      This one is very thoughtful.. thanks for sharing and reminding the significance of using our head first before our hearts, after all, the brain was placed higher than the heart. Voted up and awesome!

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      7 years ago

      Punky B, Thanks for your comment.

      I am in complete agreement with you regarding (there are no guarantees in life). However that should not stop us from "trying" to make the best choices possible for ourselves.

      The main point I was making with this hub is very few things "just happen" to us without us paving the way with our own choices and decisions. This is especially true of those people we end up in relationships with. I suspect your ex knew he was not looking to settle down from the start. Choices and decisions are a two way street and timing does matter. This particular hub is about those in relationships where they are being mistreated but feel it's out of their power to leave because of their "deep love". They buy into the belief that "the heart wants what it wants" without acknowledging their minds made the decision first!

      Taking responsibility is empowering.

      We have more say in controlling our destiny than we realize.

      "It's your life, take the wheel!" is a good motto.

    • profile image

      Punky B 

      7 years ago

      I think this post has a lot of truth to it, however, I think that things are not always cut and dry. Relationships don't always end badly due to a person making the wrong choice or choosing a person that doesn't fit into their ideal criteria. Speaking from experience, I was in a wonderful three year relationship with someone that treated me amazing. Things ended because he decided he was too young to settle down. When he left I was heartbrokem but have since healed. There is no responsibility to be assumed here, nothing I could have done to change his mind and make him stay. Sometimes life just takes two people in different directions. Whether you choose a person that fits your criteria or not, the potential for heartbreak still exists. There is no science or way to predict and prevent heartbreak. It's all a risk. Choose wisely, but still be aware that choosing wisely does not guarantee you the outcome you would ideally want.

    • Rastamermaid profile image

      Rastamermaid 

      7 years ago from Universe

      Great hub!

      Make yourself happy,that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship.

      Right now I falling in love with me again,if someone wants to come along for the ride I hope they ask first.

      I think you have all control of who you fall in love with.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      7 years ago

      Nan, Thanks for reading my hub and leaving your comment!

      Not many things happen in our lives without us saying "yes" at some point. Most of us would rather blame the conman or the liar and not look at ourselves for not asking questions or devling deeper before saying yes. No one is ever in a position to look out for our interest better than us. We just need to decide to do so.

    • profile image

      Nan 

      7 years ago

      I like your comparison of buying an apple to an onion, and so on. We don't want to know if the situation is good for us, instead we walk right into the relationship. I know so many women that just have to have a man in their life. They are not selective and when it turns out that it doesn't work, they can't understand the reason it did not work. Good article!

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      7 years ago

      Acaetnna thank you for your lovely comment!

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 

      7 years ago from Guildford

      I enjoy your writing and it has really given me 'food for thought'. Thanks.

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR

      dashingscorpio 

      7 years ago

      Thank you Onceuponatime66 and SonBeam for your comments.

      The primary point of most of my hubs is to encourage people to take responsibility for their own happiness and try to avoid the trap of playing the "blame game".

      The words "shopping list" was intended as a metaphor for (knowing what you want). In order to do that you have to spend some time doing a certain amount of instrospective thinking to determine who you are as a person. Like attracts Like and water generally will seek it's own level. Most of us get into trouble when we make impulsive decisions,"fly by the seat of our pants",or simply go on "autopilot". It's up to you to direct your own life and that means taking the wheel. This does not require you to become "agressive" but simply knowing when to say YES and when to say NO. It's all about choices.

      Ulitmately I'm saying stay alert and be aware of each decision you make as you are making it. Our lives are the results of choices and decisions WE made along the way. Thanks again for your comments!

    • profile image

      SonBeam 

      7 years ago

      I agree with the last comment. Being prepared to know to that perfect someone when they come along is important, but I don't think a woman can go shopping for mate as easily as a man. Most women just can't flow that way or they will be labeled as aggressive, desperate or needy. I tend to believe that most men are more traditional than they admit when looking for a mate and prefer to do the chasing. For those of us who enjoy doing things the old fashion way, we tend to gravitate to the scripture that says, " A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and finds favor in the sight of the Lord" So when Mr or Ms right comes along, you have to be wise enough to know him/her when you see him/her and no let that person slip away because you were playing hard to get games.

    • onceuponatime66 profile image

      Jackie Paulson 

      7 years ago from USA IL

      I think that finding our soul mate is not easy to do. Sometimes just stop looking brings "them" to us.

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