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I can't take back the mistakes I've made. I have no excuses for doing what I did. Except that I'm only human. Just like the rest. I learn my lesson. Then I learn it again. I never had any malicious intent. Only the secrets that suffocate my existence. I've forgiven so many people and I would do it all over again. I don't need my past thrown in my face. I don't need to be reminded of bad choices I've made. Please let me know when you became perfect, because then I will let you remind me of how horrible I am. But we know that can't happen and we know no ones perfect. We're all fighting to escape the grave we all face someday. We're all fighting to live a life that makes us feel alive. We're all fighting demons, hiding our secrets, punishing ourselves, denying our feelings. Carrying our baggage, because there's nowhere left to put it. We're all trying to escape in a different way and we all judge each other for not escaping in the "right" way. Some of us cry and cry. Some of us hide and deny. Some of is turn turn to the bottle. Some of us turn to religion. Some find hope while others find hope in dope. We're all fighting a battle and struggling to make it out. All searching for the answer that doesn't seem to exist.
I tried to be honest even though it brought me shame. I wanted to be honest, because I can never lie to your face. Now it's cost me a friendship. A sisterhood. A bond I've never had. Yet I would still tell the truth all over again.
Telling the truth is the most important thing for the teller, not the hearer. When we keep secrets, we become the secret. With that secrecy comes sneakiness and lies magnified by lies. I don't know your situation, but I have been in something seemingly similar.
When I stated my truth, I lost those closest to me. The "sisterhood" deviated along another path. In being honest, though, I realized it was for me that the truth came out. For my peace of mind, not theirs.
Some relationships are temporary and those that are tend to be the ones from which we learn the most. I look at it as a stepping stone to the next big thing in my life. Oh, that's a lie. I don't always look at it that way. At first I look at it as an irreparable tear that nothing can heal. At first I throw tantrums and criticize myself and those involved. At first I feel like my heart could not possibly hurt more...but then that majestic, non existent space of time happens...
I hope that in the 7 days since you wrote this, you've found some peace.
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