- Gender and Relationships
Getting over that breakup (You know the one)
How To Get Over A Breakup
Having been in a few relationships over the years.I too have had a few that were going nowhere fast. Several attempts of trying to make it work when we both knew it was over. I decided to analyze these relationships and in the process, I've found a few things that worked for me. I have learned that I am important, and what I have to say to someone else is important. It took me a long to get to that point, and part of learning this about myself helped me to understand that there are signs to look for when you have a doomed relationship. It seemed that I had a knack for finding the doomed relations left and right. Well part of that was because I did not listen to my own advice.
But to be honest with yourself will not be easy, because it means that we have to really look at ourselves and see if there was something that could have been done differently. To be truthful it was in part both sides, now let's accept that, process those feelings that you are feeling. And if you say you are not feeling anything, right now, then there was nothing there to begin with. Stay as positive as you can when dealing with the yucky, ugly feelings that come along with relationships.
By no means am I an expert but as a friend who wants to help you with realizing that your life is just that "Your life" the person you are today, begins with you and accepting that you are a dynamic person and that no one should ever make you feel like you are not anything without them. Many, many, many years ago, I remember my Uncle Vern, saying something that summed it up better than anyone else, He said, " You need to be able to face the person you are looking at every day. Yourself!! What other people think of you means nothing, but what does matter is that you are the only person you have to answer to with any questions. Do you like what you see? So take a look at yourself and answer this one question: "Do you like what you see?" If you don't like what you see then change it! Pretty simple, huh? This is where all relationships begin and yes, unfortunately, sometimes end. Somewhere deep within you, not with the other person, because the bottom line is that you are only responsible for your actions, not theirs. Why should you ever have to put up with people that are doing intolerable things that are bad enough for you to want to break-up. If you are to the point of wanting to break it off, it is because YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT SECOND BEST!
Well since most of what I am writing, I have learned on the way and based on my own life's experiences and I come to you as a TRUE friend. I hope that I can give you insight into recognizing a doomed relationship and how to get out and over it so you can move on with your life. Be prepared to look at yourself and when you see that often bewildered and tear streaked face in the mirror looking back at you, answer that question: "Do you like what you see?" If you don't like the perplexed look you see in your eyes of your reflection with the mascara streaked on your tear stricken face or even if there is something else you don't like, Well sweetheart, then change it!
Make your life count for you. Be willing to make changes for the better, have an open mind and heart when you read this. Be kind to yourself. Don't give your partner the benefit of the doubt anymore. You're wasting your time. You are now about to embark on an adventure to discover "You", again. This is your time to move onward and upward and learn from what you are going through. Hopefully this will help you look at your own belief system and see where you can make changes to it.
I hope you enjoy reading this and applaud you for taking the time to look at yourself with a new eye and an open mind. Happy reading!
Do not stoop to their level!!
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST!!!
Did you hear what I said!
Don't lower your standards.
Are you happy in your Relationship. - Quick Poll #1
How do you rate your relationship?
Do you dread coming home?
When Is Enough Really Enough?
Is it time to call it quits?
When you're in a good relationship everything runs like a well oiled machine, but for whatever reason when you start feeling like you are dreading to go home. Or dread having any interaction with your partner and everything seems to be going in the opposite direction that you are going. You realize something right there and then, and all of a sudden the lights come on in your mind. You start muttering some not so nice things to yourself , as you realize that the goals you had with your partner were merely a dream.
In my dream I had the white two story house with the picket fence and the 2.5 children. Well sure enough I have three wonderful children who are all grown now and coming to me with the exact same advice that I will be sharing with you. My daughter was trying to handle this by herself, and as I explained to her that not every relationship will be the same and that's when things were feeling like too much to handle she needed to reach out and ask for a helping hand. And just a short time ago my eldest son came to me for the same thing, what do I do now mom? Both of my children were asking for the advice in regards to their relationship and I could only give them my knowledge and wisdom of my own experiences in dealing with breaking up with someone.
The Article that Inspired Me To Write
This is my article published for the world to read. It is available in any language. Happy Reading!
Here it is the hard copy of my article. Inspired by my children and written with love. Also available on KINDLE.
Being Happy has so much to do with everyting. - Quick Poll #2
True hapiness is always what most want. Dont't you?
Are you happy where you are at?
No one breaks up the same way.
But we all go through some sort of grievance also called bereavement
NO two people will break up in the same manner, however there are some things that remain the same, you have some very strong emotions towards that person right now and these are feelings that we don’t want to feel, so what do we do with them. Well one might stop eating, and another might start drinking, while yet another person might choose to do something that is out of the norm for even them. The one thing that I remember even from a breakup of mine is that there seemed to be a lot of arguing going on right before it snapped into oblivion. I really never liked arguing in the first place but dang it I will be heard. I would call my mom crying and sobbing wanting the exact same things that my children are wanting guidance and help. They need for me to help them cope with the experience of breaking up with someone. No, now this is not the first time that either of them have been in a relationship, but it has been the first one that they have decided to come to me and use me as a sounding board just as I did with my own mom.
While one may have the feeling of being overwhelmed and the other the feeling of despair, and I too went through those exact same feelings. But there is HOPE that maybe MR or MRS Right is out there for everyone. My first reaction was who is this person that has hurt my child, and I am sure my mom must have done that too. I could feel all of my emotions running wild as I feel the nurturing part of being a parent come out and try to be Wonder Woman for my children so that they could deal with this.
Why can't we just get along. - Quick Poll #3
Do you and your partner fight all the time, more than before?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why are you constantly fighting, should be something you ask yourself.
Both of my children asked in their own way, Why is this happening to me? What do I do about this, should I leave, should I stay? I told them that the answer has been right there in front of them and they already knew in their own hearts what they were going to do. One trying to hold on to everything that was built with their partner and the other just wanting that other person to be gone and out of their life. So, I told them that it is natural to have the feeling that they are having and that they needed to ask themselves: a few questions, Are they happy where they are at, and if not how can they change their current situation. There are several other things I wanted them to notice, but those were enough for me to start off with.
The first time I got off of work and did not want to go home cause I had that nagging feeling deep in the bottom of my gut, I knew right then and there that I had to make some changes not only for me but at that time my children too. I spent several sleepless nights crying and saying to myself I don't know where it went wrong we were doing so Good. Well the signs were all there and I just had not seen them until several years of counseling and therapy had gone by. Did I really need counseling or therapy, you bet I did. I did not want to feel those ugly emotions, let alone have to deal with them by myself. I look back now and I can tell you every red flag that went up and I did not see it at the time, why you ask? Well it is because when you're right smack in the middle of it, you don't see them cause Love is BLIND!
So, maybe by telling you some of the signs that I have seen not only in my own life but in watching and listening to my own children, I might be able to share with you freely some of those things.
The last 3 poll questions
This is rather important for you right now, If you answered yes or even a very strong maybe! It is time to re-think this situation. You should never have to be unhappy with your partner. Read on I have more helpful information.
Ok how many of you answered yes.
It's ok, be honest now, noone will think any less of you.
Now, I hope you remember the three poll questions that you may have taken earlier, If you answered yes to them or even a strong maybe, then you need to take a real good look at what is happening right in front of you. Are your partners making you feel like you have to second guess yourself? Do they hit you, verbally abuse you, or even emotionally abuse you? Do you feel like you can't go on? Does it feel like your heart strings are being pulled all over Gods green earth? Maybe you notice that your partner is doing more things with their friends rather than being with you, and for the most part that is ok with you cause this will give you some alone time that you believe you need right there at that time. Frankly, you need a lot of YOU time, because what you are about to embark on or into is not going to be pleasant by any means.
It's time to get the Hell out of this chaos, and let you have some normalcy. It's time to step back and remove those rose colored glasses, which we all have put on at one time or another, and see what is really going on in your relationship.. You need to be able to find yourself again. You know that person, the one who was always laughing about this or that and always had a beautiful smile. Above all what happened to whatever it was that drew you both together. This may mean leaving the person you are with, and it is important that you understand that the person you are is separate and complete all on your own; you don't need another person in your life, including the partner you may have now, in order to be the person that you truly are.
So many times you will hear in those arguments, "Well you are nothing without me, and you'll never amount to anything without me." And the absolutely astonishing thing about breaking up is that if you truly cared about this person during your relationship why would you want to hurt them. Well my thought on that take me to a few counseling sessions that I went through, and it is because not only do you not want to feel this way neither do they. If it was easy to walk away from someone, people would do it all the time, but it is not and so as if they had just burnt their hands on a flame they lash out at you to make you feel the same way that they are feeling. Let me tell you, I could live without that, thank you very much. Your parents taught you well in sharing things. Honey , this is something I don't care to accept from you and I wish I knew then, what I know now. It won't matter which side of the fence you are on with this because both will say that they have tried to make things work and it just seems to not be going anywhere, or maybe it was slipping away from you a long time ago, then most likely it has already left the building. This may mean that it is time to break things off and try to be civil about things, in a perfect world where our emotions did not get in the way. But obviously, things are not the same any more and it is time to let go of the strong feelings that you may be trying to fight off or bury. It is time for you to be independent again. If you are able to go your separate ways and not feel bad about it then that should be a clue, that it was over a long time ago. It is just that you may have been preoccupied with other things to realize that something was wrong with your relationship.
Are you finding it hard to leave?
Breaking Up is Hard To Do
Of course you are, it is never easy to end a relationship. Just because two very nice people cannot make their relationship work out, it doesn't mean that either one of you are a bad person in any way. It just means that the two of you were not meant to be in a long term relationship. Even as much as you will try to control your emotions, which is not easy in any way shape or form. Don't start blaming each other, or calling each other names, we are not in high school anymore and you are an ADULT. So there is no reason for things to end on a sour note. Be an adult and admit that it is over and walk away.
Only if this was a perfect world and there was no such thing as crime, or famine, would you be able to hold back your tongue. I am truly hoping that you do, as there is no reason not to be able to, I was able to with one of the partners I had. But human nature will come through and everyone in the neighborhood will have a chance to see it. In some of the rare cases where the couple are compassionate towards their partner and still understanding that they are both having strong feelings right now, you will realize that maybe you just started growing apart and it is too late to try and mend it.
So it has gotten this far.
Mending and bargaining our out of the question now.
To many hurtful things have probablly been said, and do you really want to go through all of this again, in the near future?
No I did not think so.
It is over now.
You can't cry over spilt milk.
Unfortunately , only some relationships will end on an even keel for both of you. So be prepared that this may be a very bumpy, knock down with bruises on your arm, short ride, and that you will possibly get your feelings hurt. It would be better if we could end things by mutual agreement, if at all possible. Will it hurt any less if you were able to end it that way? Hell no, it won't take away the hurt or the pain you are feeling, it won't even lessen it. It won't be easy because you have probably been in this relationship for a while. You have memories of happy times and pictures, to look back on some day.
Those memories will be filled with happiness, joy and laughter which may make you question whether or not you're doing the right thing. But you've already been down this road and you know that the memories are all in the past and it's time to focus on you and your future. There are plenty of things to consider now, not what could have been or what should have been. Oh Please Don't go there. You will only add stress to the already stressful situation. Remember there is only one thing that you need to focus on , and that is YOU!
Although, it's usually better to do things face to face, if there are any risks to your personal safety and welfare, you will want to have some sort of distance from the other person and yourself. Since there are also those other aspects of breaking up which usually involves a relationship that has a serious history of abuse or violence. They will want to distance themselves from you and as you should also want to distance yourself from them first. Normally I would say that breaking up with someone over the phone is not necessary, but in these cases doing it by phone and break it off . This is the one time when making a phone call will be exactly the way to end your relationship with your partner.
There is a song by Paul Anka "Breaking up is hard to do." , You need to accept the fact that it won't be an easy thing to do. So you are just going to have to Deal with it! Just remember don't argue, or keep bringing up whatever your last argument was about. Keep calm, cool and collected. There is no reason to raise your voice, keep it calm and when speaking be as direct as you can. This is not the time to rehash old issues. Stop subscribing to those old issues, they aren't worth anything. What ever those issues were are all water under the bridge now. It's not time to hear new ideas being offered from your partner. This is the time to face the fact that you've heard it all before, and that I'm sorry won't work anymore. Keep it short and to the point.. Your relationship is over. It's not working out for either of you and it's what you want and you hope things go well for your partner. Then say goodbye.
When it is all said and done, and you are alone. You can have a good cry if you want. This may help relieve some of the stress you've been under for a while.
Amazon has so much to look at, if you see something you like. - Take the time to check out some things here.
If you are working at keeping it alive then check out some of the things Amazon can provide.
Coming to grips that your relationship is over.
What now you ask? Well I will tell you what now; those overwhelming feelings that you may be having in your gut or the anger you feel when you are remembering things about your partner is all normal and part of a process known as grieving. I am not going to try and tell you that it will be easy to pick up the pieces and move on because it is not. As a matter of fact, I can remember feeling like I wanted to curl up under a rock somewhere I did not know anyone or have to deal with anyone. This will be a very painful thing to go through. Don't try and kid yourself and say that it won't be and that you're fine, because you are not fine just yet. You need to process this grief and learn to accept it, then let go of it. Be aware of the fact that you may be having some overwhelming feelings of guilt, anger, depression, fear and that inevitably you will feel acceptance and ready to move on. This will happen because you have just gone through the experience of a serious loss in your life. Not only does grief apply following the death of a family member, but it applies here too.
As I have been working with my daughter on dealing with her own grief lately and trying to not see the same pain in her face that I had once upon a time, I have to remind both of us that going through a breakup of a relationship is a very stressful and emotionally chaotic time. Sometimes it can be worse depending on how long the relationship had been in existence before the breakup. However, it does not matter if this is a short lived relationship; it has come to an end nonetheless. Ending a relationship can be traumatizing and actually cause you emotional grief similar to what people go through when they are mourning a death of a loved one. In many ways, I believe that this grief we are feeling after a breakup comes more from our broken hearts I am not trying to sound like a psychologist or anything but the truth of the matter is that you need to go through the grieving process in order to move on to a happier and healthier you and the potential for a more enduring and fulfilling future relationship. Everyone grieves differently from one another.
Let's look at what the grieving process that you will encounter to some degree or another as you recover from the shock of your breakup. It is important to remember that this process does not have an owner's manual, and there is no step-by-step method to accomplish this. Some may experience all of the phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While others may only have to deal with one or two and some people seem to walk away from a breakup almost unscathed by any of the grieving process. It's all part of being human and understanding that we all react to things in our own way. No two people are exactly alike in this respect.
If you experience denial, most likely you started your disbelieving process while your relationship was still ongoing. After all this is when we don't want to see or accept what is happening right in front of us. Sometimes it's just too much for us to comprehend that our relationship is in serious trouble and so we turn away from what we don't want to deal with at the time. I know first hand how detrimental this can be because I was in a long term relationship that was falling apart and I refused to admit that we were having any kind of problems. I just didn't want there to be any problems. In my confused state I wanted us to be happy and I equated a problem-free relationship with being a happy one. Boy did I have a wake up call on that one.
Sooner or later though you have to get your head out of the sand and take a realistic look at what's going on in your relationship. This is when it's time for a reality check. Sure it's going to hurt to know that your relationship just isn't working out and there is nothing you can do to fix it. But you have to face it head on for what it is. Not what it isn't or what you may have hoped it would have been. We can only deal with our denial once we have admitted the truth to ourselves.
Sooner or later you'll deal with all the pent up emotions and this one is going to be a rough ride. So hold on to your britches. Here we go!
Emotions, what are they good for?
What if I don't want to deal with them
On the other hand, Anger is one of the most compelling of all emotions. Since it deals with negativity, it is an emotion that I personally do not like having to cope with it. I don't like the way anger makes me feel inside. As a matter of fact, I was one of those people who would try to hold my anger inside me and try to bury it. I didn't understand how bad this can be until it made me physically sick. So what is anger anyway? After a breakup just about everyone I've ever talked to about this has felt anger as a result of having been in a failed relationship. Well, it's been my experience that anger can range from mild annoyance to full blown rage if you don't keep it in check. Why get mad because you have just ended your relationship? First of all you feel your partner has let you down and didn't hold up their part of the deal. Otherwise, this relationship should have worked out. Along with feeling let down, the trust and respect you had for this other person was not appreciated or valued. And the list goes on as to why you will surely feel just a tad bent out of shape at some point in the breakup of your relationship.
What's the best way to deal with all the built up anger? Do you let it boil over and then scream and shout the ugliness usually associated with out of control anger? Some people have done this and trust me, it really does no good at all. Now, when I am confronted with my own anger I have learned to practice taking a few deep breaths so I can more calmly deal with it. My Dad, on the other hand, walks outside and starts working in the garden. I believe he is venting to the Petunias and can only imagine the language they must be hearing. My Mom leaves him alone. What I am saying is everyone will feel angry at times but we need to find ways to deal with the anger within us before we can deal with the situation that has triggered the anger.
It is important to understand the force of your anger and to be able to keep it in check so you can vent as well as resolve the situation. This has been one of the reasons I have told my children not to go to bed angry; if they need to talk I am there for them. Also, learning how to let go will be beneficial in building up your inner strengths as you move forward with your life. It will also better prepare you when you are ready to be in another relationship.
In addition to taking a few minutes to calm down or to distance yourself for a while before responding to the situation, there are other ways to help you cope with your anger. Try expending some of your energy through different activities, such as exercising, jogging, even dancing and singing as all these are exertions that cause those good endorphins inside you to come out. These endorphins are the body's way of providing natural pain relief and they make us happy happy happy.
You have already spent enough time
Bargaining!! I think not, this is not the wisest of choices right now. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping you will get a different outcome.
Last Chance Negotiations
Sorry Charley No More Bargaining For You
Bargaining or what I prefer to call as 'last chance negotiations' usually shows up after the breakup in the disguise of hoping to bring new life back to the now dead relationship. It comes with flowers and promises all over again. During the course of the breakup, it's not unexpected that one of you may think about making some kind of trade-off so that things can go back to how they were before. Unfortunately, all this really does is give a false sense of hope that the relationship could still be put back together.
Personally, I would not make any bargains especially with your "ex" once you've started the process of ending your relationship. You are more vulnerable at this time of your life and you need to come to terms with your situation before you do anything else. Besides, post breakup 'offers' generally fall into the 'too little-too late' category. But since it is something that might catch you unaware, try getting involved with more positive activities to keep you busy. This will work to help you keep you focused on moving your life forward not backward.
Depression is a cruel emotion because it kicks you when you are already down. Of course you're not exactly elated that your relationship hasn't worked out and here comes more misery on top of it. It makes doing just the simplest of things very difficult to get done. I noticed this even more so when I was helping my daughter who was still traumatized by her recent relationship breakup. The simple task of finding her shoes, or a shirt to wear was just too much for her to handle. She was that easily frazzled. That's what happens when depression tries to take over in our lives.
You can find some really good articles on WebMD.com. They have self-help articles with things to help you work through depression and how to spot the signs if you think one of your loved ones may have a serious case of depression.
How do we get over this?
So how do you fend off depression? You are already feeling down and not feeling real good about yourself. The best way to fight depression is get back into your life again. If you are unfairly harsh with yourself stop it and start treating yourself with more kindness. So maybe you made a mistake. Who doesn't? Remember, that's why they put erasers on the ends of pencils. You are especially vulnerable when you have too much time on your hands after you break up. This is a very crucial part of your healing to help you make it through and past this break up. It is very important to stay connected with our support network; your family and friends. They are part of your life and you need to be able to have at least one close personal friend with whom you can share everything freely. As soon as you stop isolating yourself you will start to feel better and more positive about yourself and the direction you are now taking.
Acceptance means just that. This is critical to your post breakup healing because this is the point where you face the truth that your relationship is over and that you have taken the steps you needed to take in order to get your life out of this relationship and back on track. You've endured the heartache and pain and now you are ready to build that new and improved YOU. Don't be concerned as to how long it takes you to get to the point of acceptance. I recall that it took me about three months to get over the breakup in one relationship, and almost a year and a half in another. So what I am saying is there are a lot of dynamics involved that will have a lot to do with your own recovery process and how well you are dealing with it.
I can honestly say that this is the turning point as I have just witnessed both of my children working on this stage with their breakups. When my daughter had finally called me for help she was sobbing, just as I was when I had called my own mom. What surprised me is that all of a sudden I was hearing my own mother talk to me as I was talking to my daughter. Talk about the DÃ©jÃ vu of all times.
She had the look of despair in her face, and I took her aside and walked into the bathroom with her and wiped her face off, faced her towards the mirror and told her to look at herself. While she was looking at herself, I asked her if she liked what she saw, she didn't answer the question in the exact manner I had been hoping for, but she answered me by saying "Mom, I just can't take anymore, I wish I were dead!" I squeezed her a little tighter hugging her and said, "No baby, you don't wish for Death, What you need is to be able to talk to someone when things get too overwhelming." And she sobbed a little more, and re-uttered the words she had just said, saying that this had to be all her fault.
Oh God! How I had been praying that none of my children would ever have to go down this road. I prayed for strength and then said in a firm voice to her, "Young lady, what do you think would have happened to you if I had acted on those exact same words, when I was trying to move on and away from the worst situation I never imagined possible for us to be in?" As a child I guess you don't pay too much attention to the bigger picture, but as an adult I needed her to realize that what she was feeling and going through I had gone through already and that she would get over it. It wasn't the end of the world. Then I saw her face change. It was like I could see the lights clicking on all over her little face, and for a brief moment I saw my little girl, who has grown up to be a wonderful woman now. I hugged her and told her everything will be okay, it might take a little bit of time but everything will be alright. As she tried to put a smile on her face, she said "Thanks for being here for me mom."
As I sit here thinking of all that has transpired that day, I realized that one person's heartache can definitely be a tool to help others. It seems to be working better now for my daughter as well. Remember, break ups do happen rather often and they happen to nice people just like you and I.
Quick Poll on Depression - How to tell if someone has depression.
Depression can go a long time without being detected. Months sometimes even years. I know you are probably wondering how is that possible, everyone gets sad and lonely once in a while. Yes this is very true. However, when depression is not dealt with some more serious side effects can occur. Answer the poll question and see where you might sit in this.
How often do you feel depressed?
Despair. - 2 nd question on depression
Has your sleeping, eating habits changed?
When you are depressed.
The whole world looks gray and dull. You lose your energy to want to socialize, isolation. Contact your physician if you think you are suffering from depression.
What will I do with myself?
You can do it, you don't need someone else to complete you.
Here is the sixty-four dollar and fifty cent question of the day. What will I do with myself now that I am alone? Well, you should go in and get yourself all spruced up and go out with some of your friends that you haven't seen in a while, go do something fun, and do it for you! Yes, I said YOU! This is a new beginning for you, where you can change things that need to be changed for yourself and for whatever may be coming your way. Exciting things are about to happen for you, maybe you will go traveling across Europe, or Start your own business, but whatever it is that you decide to do, Do it because you want to .
Take the time to smell the Roses! Enjoy your new beginning. Everything that has happened has happened to make you a better person. How you react to things from here on should be different because you have dealt with the grief that most people try to overlook. This is when we start building our wisdom, which I did not know at all until I started talking to my daughter just the other day. Everything that has happened in my own life has made me a better person, Sometimes, it was not an easy task, but I have always been the one to wear the Rose colored glasses, I tried to always be positive and supportive with my children and family. Shortly after my 21st birthday I did not realize what I was about to embark on.
You have been given a 2nd chance
Not many people would look at this as if you were given a 2nd chance. But in fact you have been. Think things through thoroughly. You have just received a blessing in disguise..
What does your future hold.
How exciting we can take this time to change our future.
Some phenomenal things were about to happen for me and my children. As I was a young mother, and still learning how to live the life I wanted to live, I had a few bumps along the way, and I survived the things that happened. I found out how to keep my emotions in check and even to this day I sometime have to practice honing in those skills. I remember thinking that my counselor was nuts, and that I really did not need to be in those group sessions. How wrong I really was, and Thank God I am wiser now to be able to differentiate between the two. Some things may not work for you but you won't know unless you try. So, if you are ready, so am I, let's look at some of this.
We have accepted the fact that our last relationship was a failure, that doesn't mean that we can't have a healthy one in our near future. We can look at some of that later in this book. But right now, I would like to write about some of the things that we need to change in our lifestyles. There is an old saying about cleaning your own house before you try cleaning others, well I believe that is very true and it means that we have to do the cleaning within ourselves, our belief systems, use the knowledge that others are willing to share with us and taking what we think might help us in our own lives. Keep an open mind and heart, and this won't be a bad thing, it will be a learning experience for sure, and hopefully I have made some sort of difference in your life. No matter what kind of relationship just ended, I am sure you are confused, I know I was. For a couple of days I couldn't find any reason to do anything with myself, my home, my job, I just wanted it all to stop. I even think I said this out loud once or twice, "Please someone stop the world I want off this ride." Well, no one did, and I found that I could pick up the pieces very well by myself. I started making a list of things I wanted to accomplish in my life, what I hoped would happen, and what was happening.
Making that list.
Checking it twice.
Then I had started moving things from one list to the other, Wow! This was exciting for me, cause I actually had something in my hand that I could compare to. Basically, this meant that I was getting stronger in my mind, body and soul. Everything was coming together and my dreams were becoming a reality, and the things that use to trigger some painful memories weren't there anymore. Oh my God, what a break thru this was for me. I still had a few occasional slips through, but they were getting farther and fewer between. Make these lists as simple or as complicated as you want. I would recommend keeping everything simple for a while, or at least until you feel like you are making progress towards being able to handle anything that comes your way. Don't dwell on the fact that you slip, because this is all a learning process, and slipping will happen. What these lists represent, I found out later, is how we regain our self-control, whereas before we did not have any self-control. Tasks that were hard to do just a week ago are no longer an issue for you.
So start with some simple chores, that maybe your ex partner did and now you will have to do it for yourself. Move some of those old photographs and mementos as they may serve as a trigger for you, causing you to flashback on your last relationship, hence we move the pictures out of sights , this is where the old saying "out of sight and out of mind" comes into action. Now we are cookin! We are on the way to being self -sufficient and independent again. Hurray! We are starting to see our lives as a single person again. And Please, Please don't go rushing off into another relationship. This is your time to rebuild you and how you want things to go. You don't need any stress that could push you over the edge. With that being said, brings me to why I am saying not to rush into another relationship. Getting into another relationship too quickly will never work out. That is why they call them a rebound relationship. It won't hurt you to be alone for a month or two, but if you happen to stumble into another relationship, that'll be OK too.. But, make sure you have a support system in place, usually having a good friend to talk to and pour your heart out too will work amazingly well.
My best friend is on my support team, we went to school together, had our kids almost together, and we have never lost contact with each other. Sometimes we go for months without talking to each other, even years, and then one day out of the blue, I call her or she will call me and it is like time is standing still.. We have been known to talk on the phone for hours. But I will tell you what, I wouldn't change that for anything. She has helped me in ways that no one would be able to understand unless they have gone through something similar. Her comforting advice and invitations to come to her house, were always sincere and I knew I could tell her anything without prejudice or bias. What we said together, I know we will take to our graves. I know things about her no one else knows and she about me. She never hesitated to tell me the things that I needed to hear even if it were at the risk of me getting upset. I never got upset with her, as she has been a big part of my being ok with me. So Share those emotions with someone you trust with your life.
When picking someone to share with
Keep in mind that you don't want someone to just give you lip service. A "TRUE" Friend will tell you what you need to hear, it might not be what you want to hear, but it will be what you need to hear. And if you get mad at them,don't worry they will still be your friend the following day because they know in their own mind and heart that they are doing right by you.
Find your best friend or family member.
Sharing with someone will allow you to confront those ugly feelings that we don't want to deal with, but at sometime we will have to. This helps us heal faster than if we were to just hold these feelings inside. This also will help you become aware of how others see you dealing with certain situations, and how others deal with their feelings. This baggage that we carry, and we all do, makes it easier for us to be able to get involved in another relationship. And by the way, be careful not to transfer what one person has done to you to another that you may just be meeting. This may not happen right away but at some point there will be something that this person might do to make you flashback to your former partner. Remember they are not the ones that did those things to you, they are brand new to you. And at some point you don't want to scare them off, but as you get closer you can share the baggage with them, but I would really wait on that, only because right now you are not sure where this relationship may be going.
Having the right tools to help you understand yourself and others makes you become aware of the emotions you have and what others may be feeling. If you can answer some of these questions with a definite no then we need to work on coping with those emotions. Here we go, (there is actually a very long list that I researched and I am only going to share a few of them with you) : Do you trust your gut feelings? Have you ever felt the emotions in your body? For example, when I feel fear, I get a knot in my stomach and it transfers to my back. Are you comfortable talking about your emotions with others? Do you communicate those feelings with others honestly? Well, just to let you know, you're not alone, and every one of those questions I struggled with. I avoided those feelings like the plague.
To go along with the sharing, is sharing with yourself, meaning that if you keep a journal and write in as things are happening, one you acknowledge those feelings and you allow them to go away and this brings the self healing into action. Obviously, I like to write, so writing things down really helped me process a bunch of anger that I had built up inside. I soon learned that I could analyze my own emotions and set a definite course of action into place for myself. Emotional awareness is a great thing to be able to do. It allows you to have empathy for other people, understanding of yourself and others and last but not least it helps you build stronger rewarding relationships. When my awareness of my feeling was in alignment I was able to do things without having to think twice about it. I was able conversations with others and be able to still have my own view on things. Basically I was able to switch gears from moment to moment activities and deal with the things that were happening around me. I was not getting overwhelmed with things, I took things in stride.
Getting into Another Relationship?
Do I or Don't I?
We have come to the part I dread sometimes, I have yet to understand why people want to rush into another relationship so quickly. Give yourself time to process this break up. There really is no hurry to get into another relationship, just yet. But as I mentioned in the last chapter it has been highly recommended by counselors and other types of groups like (NA, or AA) to not get into a relationship during that first year. NA and AA call it a 12 step program, and it helps people deal with things that they would normally push down to hide them. Besides if this person cares for you at all they won't want to rush right in and they will be supportive of you and wait.
In the midst of my own life and when I needed my support network, I was going through the turmoil of more than I thought I could bear. I had to reclaim so much of my life, and I had to learn to be ok with myself. There are no owners manuals for each person, if there were I would find out why they do the things things they do. Finding out what makes them tick and what makes them react to the things the way they do, would make notes so that I did not tread in those areas. I had to learn to let things go and so I went to some counseling groups and found some very useful information. Which is what I am sharing with you today. Make the changes necessary in your life to make a difference for you.
The first thing, is what we started to mention earlier being on your own. This is probably the hardest step for anyone who has been in any kind or lengthy relationship. Reclaim your life before you go jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I know this may feel like a part of you is missing, but when you realize that you are your own person and you don't need that person in your life, you will be so much better off. And the reason I am able to say this is that with my children just going through their breakups, I have one who is back in the saddle again and then the other who is not wanting anything but friendship for others that they may meet.
So you think you are ready to get into the saddle again? - Am I ready for another relationship?
Do you know if you are in a rebound relationship?
When do you feel the right time to ge back into a relationship is?
If you can't fnd it on Amazon then you can find it on Ebay. - Ebay is slightly different but if you type in what you are searching for
you will find it. Come check it out.
Are you on the rebound.
I started comparing the two situations with my children and with my eldest this may be exactly right, two back to back rebound relationships, both ending not so nice. And then my other child that says no way Jose, friendship is good for me. While one of my children went on the fast track and the other taking it slow. So while one of my children is heeding my warning.and the other is not, I explained to them that the newness and strangeness of a new relationship was not an appropriate thing for them at this time. Going into a new relationship could be very confusing. This time is to pull yourself together after a breakup. Some people, like my eldest felt that there was no reason not to be in another relationship. Loneliness is the longing for the familiar and thus this would make you look desperate. Looking desperate is not something you want, a potential suitor to see from you.
Go ahead and cry and let those feeling surfaces, so that with your new renewed strength you can confront them. But I would advise you, just like I said to my children, that they need to have someone there that they trust. Kick, scream, do whatever it is that will make you that much stronger. But right now you may want to re-connect with friends and family that you have not seen very much recently, maybe because of the relationship you were in, or maybe it has been because you have such a busy life. Whatever the reason is, take time to re-build those connections. Start planning some things to do with others, you don't know this yet but , when you're not looking for someone is when you usually find them. It's a mystery how that works, but gosh darn it, it really works. So being in a relationship does not answer those questions that are lying in the back of your mind. And this is why you go through the grieving. Make rational choices as you may be asking yourself if you had something good and let it go or if you made the right decision.
You may feel the need to understand why you attracted your ex partner, but for now change the things that we can, and that is us, me and you not them. So once again on the lists that you have , start listing the the things you want out of your next relationship. This is where you can say to yourself, well if I see any sign like your past partner, "I am out of here!" I know with myself and with what I am watching in my children that this is an important part of the self healing.
You will want to stay away from places where you and your partner use to go. Keeping yourself safe from anything triggering those hurtful feelings, right now is very important. Someday this will change and seeing your ex partner will not be an issue anymore, but until then stay the heck away! Don't put yourself in a position to have to fail. Failure is not what we are trying to achieve at this point. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner. Don't call them or text them for the new age, So instead of continuing the pain you felt with them, avoid the obvious. Don't avoid being around other people, just not romantically yet.
Great, You have made it this far!
On to the next step.
OK here we go, Start smiling Again! Yep that is it, start laughing, smiling will come naturally. Hey! I see that smile trying to come out. You have a beautiful smile! Keep smiling! Now we can take the time to reassess some of our thoughts and measure our progress, you are going to be amazed how far along you have come since that day. When you find yourself drifting into thinking about that day again try to make a list of all the things that make you happy, everything that makes you smile! By doing this, you are going to have a solid foundation for yourself. And I, can see how this applies in my life as well. The day I started smiling again, it was an honest to God smile. You remember the mirror I was talking about earlier, right, well I stood in front of that mirror one day and just started laughing uncontrollably. People that were around me , were having a hard time figuring it out, but laughter is very contagious, and the next thing I knew everyone was laughing. It is an awesome feeling when everyone is laughing and no one knew why..
Now that you are at this point, you may slip and have those periods of time where you are able to think of the past relationships as a learning experience. Some may find this disconcerting for many months, as they will think you might be trying to go back and relive that relationship. But once they see that it is the way to process your feeling , they will relax. There might be some times where you may think that you are totally over your former partner. You're doing better right? No, this is when out of nowhere you have very strong feelings come flooding your memory. It is a phenomenon that most don't understand. My son came in my room the other night. He laid next to me and said to me, "Mom, you know what? I think I understand now why the last partner I had just ended, I will take what I have learned and won't make the same mistake again." I almost fell to the floor, as that was the only thing I was wanting to hear from him, that he had learned something from it. He told me that he thought about it for a few days and now he thinks he understands that the things he needs to change were within himself. I was very proud that he came to me with that,
To think just the other week, we were still very fragile. And now we are feeling like we can conquer the world. Then, out of nowhere, you are hit with a ton of emotions and you have that quizzical look upon your face and think to yourself, "I thought I was doing much better than this, what's wrong with me?" Like the metaphor of the ocean and the waves coming in and out. This is all part of the process of recovering from a relationship. It will come and go like a wave that covers you. As time goes on, this will not happen as often, and then one day it will not happen at all. That will be the day the tide goes out and you start feeling like your old self again. This will be a great relief off your shoulders and you will see that you are smiling again. Getting back to being you again after this ordeal with the breakup is going to be an experience you won't forget, that is for sure. And look at that, we have slipped into the next step without trying to.
Steps 3 and 4
Oops looks like we started part of this already
Well we already started step three and actually we started doing that the minute we walked away from the relationship that has brought you here to look for self help information. Life is now looking a little like it did when we were a few years younger and single, oh my goodness, the lights are clicking on we have normalcy. Wow, this is what that looks like. We are able to concentrate, get excited at the possible prospect of what the future may hold for us. You have your identity back, not that you ever lost it, but now instead of being a we, you are a me or you! Otherwise, you can say "I"! Nice concept isn't it? You have all this new found energy in your life, a new attitude, maybe even some new clothes, and even a new dew. Wow, look at you! Get on down with your bad self! Give yourself a hand, you deserve it, you have worked really hard to get where you are, and I noticed you checking the person in the mirror out. Good for you! At this point you may be even ready to try finding love again, who knows. Your needs are changing all the time. And you will find the Mr. or Mrs. Right, it's a new you with self-confidence that is shining brighter than the sun.
The clouds no longer fog your vision to see what was wrong with your past relationship and you are ok with it. You can see clearly now that the clouds are gone and your sight has returned. This will be helpful for the next relationship that you may encounter. Even though two very nice people may have been a very wrong match, you are able to carry on with your life. Congratulations! You face yourself with a new found truth and realize that you may still have the occasional wave of memories, but now you are able to handle the past and you soon dismiss those memories. It's ok if they come back now, you are stronger and you can handle it.
My Personal Favorite on Amazon - When Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Remeber when life seemed so simple. Well, listen to the things that took us to those times in our life.
Don't ever give up on Hope.
With my children, I have reinforced that there is always the chance of meeting that one person and not to rush it. Get busy living your life. You have your own agenda now, not one that has to include anyone else. Do something you have always wanted to do, yes I know I said this earlier, but I can't express how important it is for you to get out in the world and stay active. Volunteer someplace, join a book club, sign up with the new health fitness center. I know that in the earlier part of this book we talked about not getting involved too soon in another relationship, but I don't want you to feel that there is no one else out there for you. Remembering what I just told my daughter the other day, is why I am saying this, she jumped to soon into a relationship just to have it bite her in the rear. So she was thinking that she was never going to find that person. Well, good grief, let's get through this and see what happens.
I am a very loved person by my family and friends. However, there was a point in my life that I thought I would never find the right person to be my partner. I thought I was giving up on love, but what it really meant is that I was giving up on me. And heavens above, that is not what I was going to do. So I pulled myself together, found the one person that I have always depended on to rescue me, and it was ME. I had to come to grips with the ugly feelings that I didn't like as well as the feelings I did like. I had to face myself in the mirror, it was not easy because that meant dealing with the things I had no control over, and that is one thing I have always had in my life was my self-control. Well when I was dealing with the breakups of my own life, I did not because I let some feelings take a hold of my common sense. Well I told myself that this would just never do. I liked being in control of ME, it was the only tangible thing I had. I noticed that when my life went spinning downwards I had lost someone very special to me. I had no idea why I was taking this so hard, but I did, I am not invaluable. The feelings I had to deal with were not easy, especially not dealing with death. I had never figured out that my family would start falling out of my life. When I felt the pain that I felt I turned towards something out of the norm for me. It was not something I was proud of, and I know now how it was hurtful to me and others in my life. So write everything down that you can about the feeling that are the scariest for you at that time. We will learn to deal with the fears that go along with some later.
Don't give up on Love, there is always Hope! By now you have made great progress with making those steps into a much more fulfilling relationship. This section deals with how to release those emotions that we have buried deep inside. One of my favorite quotes is: "Time heals all wounds!" and "Where one door closes another will Open." This part of the self-help information that I am referring to is also going to be another writing thing, this really helped me take out a lot of baggage that I was unaware that I was carrying with me. I was so very stubborn during this part, and I imagine if you have someone telling you that you're wrong about things that you would be stubborn as well. Well, I am not telling you that you're wrong, you were right at one moment of the previous relationship, however the relationship turned its course for you, and gave you no warning. So let's navigate through some of this, as there is a big bright light at the end of this tunnel. I promise if you choose to do one of these things that I am telling you worked for me, you will feel a heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.
Get comfortable in your favorite chair, sit back, close your eyes and recall those horrible emotions that I know you have worked so hard at hiding deep down inside. Now address this letter to your ex partner. In this letter you are going to write everything down that you would have said to their face had you found it feasible. You are going to write everything down, tell him what a piece of ____ they are. Tell them how you feel and how you know what you did right. Just pour your soul out onto this piece of paper. Now when you're done with it, please don't mail it, this exercise is strictly for you and you only. Later on I will explain what we will do with that letter. The next thing is to take your list of qualities you want in your next partner, and the one where you wrote all the good and bad about your last partner. Now every time you start to feel those parts of you longing for this individual pull out your lists and compare what you had and how very fortunate you are to be done with that person. Now yell at him at tell him how they have lost the best thing in their lives. Of course, if you don't have any feeling towards him then you are one of the lucky ones.
Not all breakups end in HURT..
And you can control some of this.
Not all breakups hurt, but the ones that do hurt can hurt bad. It is usually the ones that hurt bad that make us feel like we will never find that one person, but that is not so. Love heals all and when you can fall in love with yourself, then that is the greatest love of all. There is no one that should ever step in your way of loving yourself. And if you can love yourself then you have not given up on love. Have you ever had one of your past partners tell you that they can't live without you and how much they need you. Well I for one don't want to be needed. I am not a needy type of person. If you need me, then I am not the one for you. Now if they say they want you, and treat you as an equal in everything that they do and you both do together, then that is where I want to be. I don't need someone to be complete, and neither do you.
So, give love a second chance or maybe even a third. There is no set amount of true love you can have. And yes, you can love each one at that time in your life. I say this as, I have remained friends with my eldest child's father. We tell each other we care and whenever we need something we have always been able to count on each other. Convince yourself that there is someone else out there and well although you thought your last partner might have been the one, you found out instead that you grew apart not together. This doesn't mean that your next partner or LOVE is going to be like the one you are leaving. Love will come , and when it does I hope that you allow it in with open arms again. Don't be foolish however, which is what sometimes happens when one goes from one partner to the next in a short amount of time. Take your time and fall in love again.
How do we fall in love again you ask? Well, we get rid of the baggage we carry around with us that we discussed earlier in this book , then we get back up on our feet. Dust off those nice duds we use to wear when we went out, have fun and don't go looking for love in all the wrong places. There is something to say about ego's for both men and women, and how a break up will affect you! Sometimes it takes a new partner to get over the last one, that's alright. Use caution when you decide to move the relationship to a new level. Go out and flirt, maybe do this with friends first, as they may know that you aren't ready for another relationship just yet, and they play along to keep your ego feeling good. I say this as your ego has gone through some rather ego shattering times with breaking up. But amazingly enough we learn how to move one. There is only one person you need to please and that person likes to stare at you in the mirror. I don't know how to express how important it is for you to take care of you, don't depend on anyone else to do it for you. Most of them are too busy worried about themselves. As your confidence grows you will notice a different type of person that you are attracting. Now, if you start thinking that your ex wasn't so bad, I'm going to knock some sense into you.
What are you waiting for?
Let's go out dancing, kick up your feet, let your hair down.
So, get out there and dance, play pool , go do whatever and be active, and most of all have fun. Everyone likes to feel some sort of attention, now is the time to make sure we are not getting the wrong attention. This we know from our previous experience with your former partners. Who doesn't want to be loved and fall in love? I know I wanted it! However, if I had chased or pursued the first person that showed me attention I could be in a world of hurt.
I am sure you like having someone pay attention to you, don't you? This will seem all strange to you as it may have been a while since you were on the dating scene, and some things have changed since you went out however long ago. Make sure you don't mix up the signals others may be trying to send to you, and if you happen to read it the wrong way, it's ok play it off. I know I told you before not to get into a relationship , and now I am telling you to go out and have fun and give love a chance, but the reason I am telling you now is because if you have already gone through everything else in your own life, then you must be ready to take your next baby step.
Whatever you do from here on out, just be sure you are kind to yourself and let whatever is going to happen , happen. Keep the window to your heart open, use your experience from the past and acknowledge the things that you did like and the things that you did not like about them. You no longer have to answer to them, not that you should have ever had to, be understanding that others have maybe gone through similar things in their own lives. That if you see any of them starting to show the warning signs that you have built for yourself from your past experiences, you may want to back out as quickly as you can. Love is definitely a good thing and feels wonderful when you are in it. Perhaps you're in the wrong place and you are not sure. Well rule of thumb is if your not comfortable with the situation then get out. Get out fast!
You get to set the pace for how fast or slow you wish to move with a prospective suitor. And it should be a mutual thing, not his way or her way. Meet in the middle from the begging. Be sure to start your relationship with and open communication policy. Yes I said policy, the reason is that it is your policy of keeping a healthy relationship going strong. If you find yourself comfortable with a new person, and if you think it is going faster than you want don't be afraid to say something. You need to communicate your needs and wants clearly and make sure that they understand that it is you not them that needs to have the things you ask for. They will respect you for that, and hopefully it will be understood. But if they are not and they blow you off, well then you just saved yourself a whole bunch of headaches.
If I can make you push buttons.. please press the be nice to me button.
Remembering someone is ok.
Just do not let it consume your every thought
It's alrighr to remember your ex, when you're walking out of a bad relationship and trying to find a new love. When you remember people hopefully you are having good memories of them, but if they are not so good, then take this time to note the things you will not accept out of a partner. The things that you may want to be careful about is that you are not looking to r.ep not let it ume you.lace the last partner you had. If the person you find somehow reminds you of your ex, maybe has the same facial features , whatever has drawn you to this person. As I am sure you know love doesn't make appointments, it will happen when Cupid has touched both of your hearts. Before you know it you will be in love again. And you will forget that you were ever heart broken, well maybe not totally. But the memories will fade away quickly. Get back into the dating game. If you're anything like I was I was scared to death to really want to go out and meet people. As far as I had been concerned every man around looking like my ex. Talk about making a person paranoid, I started looking over my shoulder as if I myself was a scared rabbit. Well I was telling my daughter the other day about the incident that happened to me when they were younger. I had been so petrified to leave my home, let alone the state I grew up in. I was scared of others and had two babies to worry about plus myself, I had them to consider. So I decided that there was no one I wanted. I did not need them, I wanted that person in my life. I thought I had it all put together for myself, met some person that I thought I could grow old with and within months of our meeting that person was no longer in my life. Well I was sure feeling like maybe I wasn't supposed to have someone in my life. I started realizing my own flaws to see If I had miscalculated my progress. Mentally checking things off as I went through that mental note I had all written out.
When you are absolutely sure that you want to be in a relationship again, take that leap of faith. You don't have to go to the next person that you meet either.
Go and have fun with your friends and somewhere in the midst of all the things going on around you , you will find that perfect Man or Woman. Meet new people, but don't create chaos. When you find the right person he or she will not want to see you hurt in any way shape or form. They won't call you up and accuse you of being with someone else. They might call you, but only to say hi, I miss you or something along those lines. But there will never be because he is the man or she is the woman type of attitude, you will treat each other as equals. When some think that they will never fall in love again or that it is just too unbearable to think about, but when it comes right down to it , it is easier than people think. Prepare yourself for love..
What others are writing about... - This is a list of writings of others...
Please take the time to read theirs view on the same subject that I have written about.
Don't leave them bottled up.
Leaving your emotions bottled up is just waiting for a disaster or a huge explosion/
What happens when we don't deal with our emotions?
This is a must in order to move on.
I cannot stress enough the importance of not holding your feelings inside. There has been research done on this and I don't remember the exact number but it states that I believe it was over 50% of people who have any kind of illnesses is due to build up emotions. The mind is a very powerful tool like I said before. In this section I want to help you to release some of the built up emotions. Again, I want you to know that I am not a Dr. nor do I have a doctrine in this field. I am an average person just like you, and some of these things have happened to me.
And since I can relate this with my children as well, I have a few observations that I have made. My eldest child let go immediately of those feelings and emotions, although sometimes the emotions that concern love are a little harder to do, but does it so that they don't come back to bite them. My middle child holds on tight to some of those emotions. Which is why I believe that is the cause of some of the relationships they have had. One thing it has caused is ulcers, and this is just the begging of what can happen. Children who were put through horrific things while they are young become disconnected with their feelings. Avoiding the pain and discomfort of any of our emotions will cause us discomfort.
When you don't let your emotions out some things that happen are not knowing why you are responding to something in the way that you are .Your emotions rule a lot that you do, how you react and how you think about things. Human beings are a touchy feely type. So when you hold these feelings inside you are not allowing yourself to feel joy, happiness, or love. You don't experience the positive feelings of love and happiness . When we have something that happens to us that is so painful to deal with we often will dismiss it by working more and maybe even overeating. Some will act like nothing has happened, or start drinking alcohol, constant intellectualizing and analyzing, anything that we do in excessive behavior can be a result of repressing those feelings. It's exhausting! It takes more energy to frown than smile and the same goes with dealing with our emotions. These things affect you at home, work, with your partner and with friends. You will become distant and maybe even find yourself having fatigue, depression, blowing up over minor incidents.
Stuffing your emotions down where you can't feel them.
This is potentially very dangerous to your health.
Having your emotions stuffed down so deep can cause major physical problems. It is very easy to get caught up in keeping the negative feelings buried and that is because we don't want to feel the pain. However, the long-term effects of hiding these feelings can cause cancer, chronic illnesses, arthritis and many other health problems. When you have to use so much energy to keep those ugly emotions buried deep inside you don't have much energy for anything else and could start being lethargic, non-productive at work. What is one thing that everybody needs, food, nutrition and to feel that they are loved. And not just the love of our parents, that is unconditional. We seek the love of another person, maybe it is because we want to belong. And in saying that I don't mean ownership, because no one can own us. We are our own person. So, I would tell you just like I have been trying to do with my own daughter. Let these emotions go, they have no advantage by holding on to them as they will if they LET them GO! Emotions help you deal with this going on in your own body. Some people like to do things by themselves when dealing with their emotions, and that is ok. Some will write, while others may do something totally different. Listen to your gut feelings and when you do things will happen for you.
Not too long ago, I had what we call a bad feeling, and I couldn't place why or anything else. This is called listening to your gut feelings. Since I was so in tune with my emotions I could tell you what was about to happen. I tested this theory and found that I could predict exactly what would happen, and I proved it to someone by telling them the scenario and what would transpire. Low and behold I described it to a T. The person I told this to is my partner now. We were friends at the time, and when everything happened like I told him , he swore that he would never doubt my gut feelings. I was surprised myself when everything came about the way I had said it would. I have an uncanny knack of being able to read people, and this is due to me keeping my emotional self healthy. Having a healthy outlook on life is a very wonderful way to live. Be Happy! Not Sad. Not angry, or lonely. This thing doesn't feel good, but when we have joy and happiness in our lives if sure seems to run smoother. So however you have to go about dealing with these emotions DO IT! You will feel better for doing it.
When people are hurt and then go around saying "Oh, it's not a big deal" or "it doesn't matter anyways" is burying some emotions deep down. Minimizing the pain won't make it go away either. You need to take the emotions acknowledge that you are having them by verbalizing or writing them down. Record them somehow talking into a cassette player, writing them in a journal. If you were to do this for even a short period of time, say four weeks you will start noticing that you can identify what the real reason was to that emotion. Do you remember in the section where I told you to write that letter to your ex partner? Well, this is where it comes in again. If you were to take that letter and read it out loud, that would bring those feelings up to the surface. Oh, gosh, I know how much you don't want to do this. But this is ok, you are learning away to deal with them, you may even like it and do it with something else.
Back to that letter you wrote, you have told this person exactly how you feel, and how they made you feel. Now tell that same person out loud with that letter in front of you, "I FORGIVE YOU!" yes, I am telling you to say that. They are not present to hear you, but you are doing this for yourself not for them, and it surely does not mean that you want them back in your life. Forgiveness helps you process that emotion, maybe there is something you wrote down and it was to yourself, this would apply here too. Forgiving yourself is also important. This is how we come to terms with things that have happened in our lives. You can do this with dreams as well, when you remember a dream and it is fresh in your mind, write it down.
Then write down what you can remember about your dream and how it made you feel. I read a book not too long ago about what dreams mean. Interestingly enough I had this dream about flying, very exhilarating feeling, and I was floating through the air. I felt like Superman flying through the air. Well come to find out it had happened during a time in my life where I was holding back on some feelings. I am not going to give you specific, but just a general meaning. That meaning was that I was feeling overwhelmed and was wanting an escape. How accurate it was! I was going through my own turmoil, and then started writing things down in a journal. I told my counselor about it and we walked through some things that were happening at that time, well the rest is history. The timing of that dream just meant it was time for me to deal with some things. I remember that dream like it was yesterday, and obviously it made some sort of impression or I would not be writing about it.
We are cleaning our house, time to move it on out.
Send all those yukky feelings packing.
Try to keep paper and pen near you, so that you can jot things down quickly when they happen. Write things down as soon as they happen even if it is not a so good feeling. You will want to take the good with the bad feelings and process them all together if possible. Did you know that a lack of creativity is a sign of depression? Good thing I like creative writing keeps me from being depressed. What is normal for one person may not be normal for the next person. If you normally say get up at 5 a.m. every morning, and then suddenly something happens to you and now you're getting up at say 9a.m. well that is not normal. We hide some of our emotions by doing things that are excessive for us, not a normal thing for you to do. Painful memories and things we don't want to endure at that moment are usually the reasons we hide those emotions. I would say that is ok for a brief moment, but at some time you will have to deal with them or it could distort your think and how you react to things.
Sometimes we might say yes with our head shaking no. This is not in sync with what you are saying. When we have the who cares attitude we don't make real sound judgments with things that are going on in our lives. Basically we are agreeing with things that maybe we would not agree with but we are trying to keep the peace. This will cause resentment and then you could find yourself with even more stuff to deal with. Hopefully this will you not to be in this kind of situation later. Deal with the good and the bad emotions. The nicest of people can have issues like these that I have mentioned because they don't want to deal with things. Now I am sure you are also a very nice person, so keep the good with the bad, take the good with the bad however you want to say it. You need to be able to do just that. Listen to your heart when you have the chance and write things down.
While I know we have covered a lot of ground and that this is not easy. We have dealt with a loss and now communication is necessary to let these come to the end. Having someone you trust help you are so very important, this doesn't have to be done by yourself. Making meaningful changes in your life is going to be very important for you, why? Well because what you chose to do with the feeling you let go of is going to either make you or break you. I prefer to think it will make you a much better person. Be the best that you can with the new found knowledge you are attaining. You know the motto the Army uses: "BE ALL YOU CAN BE" well I think that fits in here. By being honest with your emotions you have taken steps to a healteeli hier life.
Are you ready to move forward? Up to this point I have tried to express the importance of dealing with your emotions and the cause and effects of them. Now I want to take a step further. Ready? Good.. Let's go to the next chapter
Letting Go. - Do you think you have let go of your past?
Letting go is no an easy task, when you have you will feel a sense of peace.
Have you learned to forgive the other person, and more impotantly have you forgven yourself?
Let it Go!
Don't hold on to those yukky feelings.
How do I let it go you ask? Well I will explain how I did and some other ways to let go and move on. There are many ways to release your emotions. Crying is of course the normal way of releasing those emotions. But what about the ones we bury inside. Writing is another, and my personal favorite. But when we leave it in our subconscious mind, our mind can start playing tricks on us. You don't have to show your lists to anyone! If you do happen to want to share your list with someone make sure it is someone that won't hurt you with what you tell them. Now get ready cause here come those yucky feelings we buried.
A few things to think about is when you do this ask yourself if you are able to discuss it with someone and "Am I reacting" to the things I need to release. This will actually help you decide what path you wish to take with it. Ok so this one is not so much a favorite of mine, but it does work. Find a quiet place and scream as loudly as you can, "I hate" whatever it is you are feeling. Or maybe you would rather take a pillow and punch the heck out of it. You can also get a punching bag and hang it in your basement or spare room. Take your time, hit it, and keep hitting it until you feel the release of that emotion you haven't wanted to deal with. Now if you are unable to find a quiet place then go for a long drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Now some counselors say that the only way you will ever be completely free of those feelings is to tell someone about it. Why? You ask, because it is a way to acknowledge why you buried them. This means getting down to the nitty gritty stuff everything on the table sort of speaking. This helps us to gain a better perspective on things. Help us think outside the box.
As you start letting go of these very strong emotions, let yourself learn how to forget them. Forgive and Forget is an old saying, but at least now I understand why some people say it. You may not always forget but there is no reason to keep bringing things up that have no validity now. Once you have told your story to that one person you trust, you have validated your feelings. Now we will let them go on their merry way. However, if you keep repeating the story over and over this now will become a resentment. This will then become a problem instead of a solution. So, tell ONE person not everyone, this will make it be a secret that you have just told. Emotional secrets will turn into mental illness. Are you aware that all of our emotions are tied into some part of our body? Well they are. Here is where some of them will affect people, Anger rests in your belly button, sadness is in the midriff area. The way we feel can rest anywhere in our bodies including our muscles, joints and other areas. Since the human brain is so complicated and how it actually works and processes things is really unknown. From consciousness to our sub-consciousness we process things all the time. Our sub-conscious state of being is where we do most of our problem solving. And with issues that are buried, we need to bring them forward to the conscious role of our brain.
May be our future. But when they don't know how to deal with unwanted feelings they will need your help. If your child has been traumatized please get them some help. Lets help them get to their future.
When children are involved.
They have a hard time because they don't understand the feeling they are experiencing.
For children that have been traumatized, they like to put them under hypnosis. The reason they do that is because it takes a trained professional to help the little ones. Children will sometimes have resentments because they don't know how to deal with their anger when they are so young. So they keep reliving it in their little minds, and thus causing resentment. So as adults, when we cause ourselves to have a resentment it means that we have been talking about the same thing over and over and over again. If you are doing this stop it immediately. All you are doing is reliving the pain and grief, and now we need to get rid of it. Remember the letter I spoke of in the last chapter and in the one back a ways, well we are going to take that letter and burn it. Yes, burn it! You don't need any more reminders now.
You don't need to ask anyone for permission to have the feelings you have, nor do you have to have permission to deal with them. A lot of people think they have to get someones approval to feel the way that they do. Well you don't. Learn to express these feelings any way you have to in order to let them go.
You have screamed, cried and now you are letting go. Very good , be proud of yourself you are making marvelous progress. Communicate your needs in order to deal with things, if you are with a new partner share some, but don't scare them off. They maybe the one you have been searching for. Your new partner will have valuable insight if you let them in to do that. Having a new relationship is great, but when you need that time to process things be gentle and kind to yourself and others. Deal with the fears that have kept you hanging on a limb.
Once you have done this you should start to feel better. You have accepted your responsibility in the situation, now you are sending all those feelings away. This is such an exciting time, you start feeling relaxed again, you enjoy looking up into space, you are slowly starting to feel like you are you again. Remain kind to yourself during this time, it is important for you to deal with all things and equally important to deal with your mind, body and soul. If you like meditation, then go get involved with a meditation group or something to that effect . Let's work on the perspective you hold on things. Once you can see your part in having those emotions and you accept the responsibility for your own actions, you will start letting go of all the other built up emotions that have hidden over the years. When emotions run high it makes it difficult to handle the situation. Sometimes you might have to imagine someone else having the problem or situation you are dealing with. When we do this it will make it that you can come in and help them deal with it. So our imaginary friend takes on your role and you take on the role of "YOU" being able to cope. You will see similar things with people that have multiple personalities. They have had something they can't deal with and create an alter ego. But the ones who don't know how to cope can slip into their alter ego, and of course that is a whole other topic.
Fear is more difficult to deal with, as it also has tied up your emotions to that fear. People who have abandonment issues will be afraid to be alone, afraid of being ridiculed this is due to maybe not having enough money. Fears have their place too. When to ignore them and when not to can be a difficult task even for people who are not dealing with the stress of a relationship. The more you are able to acknowledge your fears and face some of them the easier it will be to move on. Don't let the fear take over, conquer it and you will have peace of mind. If you are a religious type of person go to your church and ask for counseling, have them help you deal with some of the things you are unsure of how to handle.
Communication is a big part of all the things we have been doing up to this point. We have several ways of communicating either verbal or non-verbal. When we communicate with non-verbal actions try to keep them open, by having your hands out not folded across your arms. Communicate your fears to your trusted friend and I am sure they will have some comforting things to tell you and maybe even help you deal with those fears. I know my best friend did. I will tell you just a little about it, as if time were standing still. I remember the day I had to make the choice of regaining my own life back. I had never been brought up to be a hurtful person and at the age of 18 I had endured more things than I care to remember anymore. I had nowhere to go, or at least I thought I didn't. I called my best friend to see how she was doing. And somehow she knew that something was wrong with me. She asked what was going on, and I was embarrassed to say what I had been going through. I was the one she always turned to when she was having problems. Well now it was on the other foot. She said to me that I could come to her house. Well she was living with her parents and they were like my second parents too. We had grown up in the same neighborhood, had our eldest children close together. Her parents told me to come up as well to their home. My fear of my partner hunting me down had led me to drive up and down the highway for several hours. I was supposed to pick my partner up from work at a certain time. So I was scared to death that when my partner had figured out I was long gone, he would come searching for me.
Having a place to go was the best feeling ever and was a relief when I got there. I swear though, it was very exhausting not letting my emotions surface. I was so emotionally exhausted that I must of slept for days.
Be sure to get plenty of sleep.
No doubt about it, this will drain you emotionally. But when it is all done and said, you will find that you feel much better
So let's wrap this up.
Ok so in conclusion, When you have had enough of someone bringing you down in your life you now will know that is better to get out while the getting is good, or you will deal with some very horrific emotions. Don't let someone try to keep you where you don't need to be. Everyone has their ups and downs in a relationship. Keeping your emotions buried is not a healthy thing to do, so release them and let them be free. Either way, you will be fine.
Don't put off what you can do today is an old saying but it really does apply to things that happen in a relationship. When you find yourself no longer talking to your partner and it seems like you are drifting apart, well that is probably because you are. Open up your line of communication and keep it open. Communication is such a big part of having a healthy relationship. When things start turning bad, you have lost the communication and usually there is no turning back. Believe me your partner hasn't. Communicate what you want and what your needs are. Be specific when doing that too. So, if you have to move somewhere different then do so. If they are the ones to leave then let them live in peace. Try to always remain calm. In the long run, if you care about this person why make them miserable? My favorite thing that used to be said was: " well that so-and-so pushed all my buttons." Well next time, if you find someone that pushes button ask them to push the "BE NICE" to me button. That button works well. And is a whole lot less painful. Make sure you know what is the best course of action for you.
Keep your Activities Up.
Get the good endorphines moving
Try staying physically active, as this will help the endorphins make you feel happy. Happy people usually don't have too much in their lives that is going wrong. Be happy, don't worry about the things you cannot change, but change the things you can. Joining groups that strike your interest are good to join. Do things together and as an individual. Keeping your individuality is important to always remain yourself. Do something out of the norm once in a while. Treat yourself with respect and others will also treat you with respect. Be understanding of your emotions and that they have serious side effects when not dealt with in the appropriate manner. Life isn't always fair, but at least we can bring some sort of balance back to it.
Take a hold of the things in your life in the same manner you would if you were helping someone else, take your own advice in other words. Be honest and truthful with yourself at all times. Keep your individuality even in a relationship you can keep who you are, you don't need to change yourself for anyone. Change comes with growth as a couple and only if you want to change that part about yourself. Always remember who you are and where you have come from, this will become your trophy room in a matter of speaking. The person in the mirror is the only one you will ever have to answer to, because you are the only one who is responsible for your actions. If you don't like something then change it. Remember that you can be alone and you are worth all the weight in gold just as is the next person. Don't ever accept the second best. Make sure to always keep communication open with your family and friends, as they will always be your support group. Make the changes you need to make in your life to be a better person. Make your life count for you! If you have to go down this street again make yourself ready to deal with the things you know how to deal with and find ways to change the others. Love is always around the corner, just make sure you go around the right one.
No two relationships will ever be the same, because, well for one it is a different person. Try not to transfer what others have done to you on to the new person in your life. They are not the ones responsible for it. Communicate your feeling honestly to your partner. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and need. Give yourself a break, let those things go that can be let go. Let your feelings out when you have to, and know when to keep them in check. Also, don't play the blaming game it is not all their fault if something hasn't worked out. Oh, sure they had a part in but not 100% of it. It takes two in any relationship, business, friendships whatever there is always another person but the common denominator is YOU.
This is your life, make your life livable for you. Break ups happen every day, how they are handled is different for every couple. How you handle yours is up to you. If there are children involved make sure you don't put them into the middle of things. The children don't need to be traumatized ever. When you feel yourself dreading going home , find the reason quickly. Your home is supposed to be your castle, and you are the KING or QUEEN of it. When abuse seems to be present do your part to stop it, and that means emotional abuse, mental abuse too. No reason to call people names, you're not in high school anymore, so act like the adult you are. When things are down for you and you feel like you have nowhere to go, remember to check with your support group or network. Smile even when you don't feel like it. It makes people wonder what you're thinking about. Don't believe anyone who says you're nothing without them, because you were something before you met them and your still something very special to the people that care about you.
When and if you should ever go through another break up don't rush to get into another one. Let your body, mind and soul gets a grip on things. Things are not always easy that we endure in life. Make every moment of your life count, leave your mark on the world. Be aware of your feelings as well as others so we don't hurt anyone. Your memories belong to only you and if some of them have hurtful feelings behind them, put them away. Keep your house clean, meaning your emotional and mental part of you. When you're in the right state of mind you will make the choices that need to be made. Doing things in person is always better unless the is some unknown reason as to why you can't. There is no way around some things so just do it when you have to. Don't argue, it only raises your blood pressure. Working things out may not always be the right answer, and when it is not dealing with it in the best way you can.
When possible talk everything out and then let it go. Don't keep rehashing things over and over and over. Rehashing old issues is pointless and you need to get over those things. Deal with your emotions when it is appropriate. And when you have to wait, promise yourself that you will deal with those emotions. Your life without your ex partner is going to be a wonderful one, because you have chosen to make the changes in your life. Picking up the pieces of your life is not as hard as others try to make it sound. You can do it!
Write things down in detail so that you have a way to release them, if that works for you like it has for me then you will be buying lots of paper. Be honest about your feelings and when you write them down be truthful with yourself. Describe things in detail if you can, this will help you paint a picture for yourself when you decide to let go of things. Having a good sense of humor is always a plus when dealing with life on life's terms. Make yourself laugh when you can, I do this almost on a daily basis. Sometimes that is done unintentionally, but then it is even better. While writing things down make sure you share those feelings with some you trust. Laughter can cure lots of things that ail us. It may not mend a broken heart but it will make the healing process a little faster.
In the process of finding yourself, be kind to that person in the mirror. That person in the mirror knows everything about you and loves you no matter what, love yourself. When things are going good in your life share the knowledge you have got and keep it going. Share how you have been able to overcome things in your own life. Make a difference like I hope I have for you. I hope that in finding yourself you have learned lots of new things about yourself. One of them is that you have an amazing amount of courage to move on. Forgive yourself for holding on too tight to some of the emotions you are now trying to deal with. Forgive the other person that caused your hurt, or pain.
My hopes in what you have read is to reinforce the freedom you will find in re-discovering yourself. The one thing people tend to do is forget to thank someone for being in their life. So, I am going to thank you for being in my life and giving me the inspiration to what this information. It has been a very delightful way for me to remember a lot of things myself. I had forgotten about some things and well they were ready to come out too. So not only have I shared with you, you have helped me deal with some of the issues in my past as well.
Everyone can learn new things to try and relieve painful feelings, and I found that there are even some ways I haven't tried yet, so this I say to you, "If you know of a better way that works for you, share it".
Meditate about the things that are positive in your life. Taking the good with the bad is very important also, it keeps the balance of things that are to come. Work at keeping your emotions in check with yourself and don't push them so far down that it takes an act of congress to find them. Validate your feelings and feel the feelings you have, then let them go, there is no need to hang with some of them. They always seem to make a circle and come back in some form. Resentment is very dangerous to deal with so be careful if you are doing that.
Remember that there is one person that you see every day that matters the most to you, and it is YOU! Facing that person should always be pleasant.
Again thank you for stopping by, to read my story. This has been based off of true life experiences. And if you have an experience that you would like to share please add it in here. I look forward to hearing from you.