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How do you forgive when trust is lost

Updated on January 7, 2018

How do you trust again?

It has been close to two years since my sister and I have had a falling out. After my moms passing my sister and neice had stole jewelry that was supposed to go to my children and replaced it with their own costume jewelry and stuff that they didn't want. One of the pieces was a gold braclet that I gave my sister for being my maid of honor at my wedding. The initial hurt that we felt was unbearable. How could she just swap things out without feeling quilty. How could she sit across from my children and me and pretend they were my mothers jewelry when they were hers. My girls tried to find a piece that they remembered their grandmother wearing but nothing she wore was there.

Confronting my sister

I spoke to my sister after about the jewelry and asked her what she did with it and that I knew what she had done. Her response was that me and my family didn't deserve anything and that her and her family were entitled to it all, despite what my moms will said or what here wishes were. The worst part was the letter my mom had written to my sister and I. She refused to let me read it and said she threw it out. Threw it out??? How could she have thrown a letter out from our mom. It was her last words to us. Why would you not want to save it? She had no right to not show it to me and to throw it out. I do not believe she threw it out, she just did not want me to have it or read it. She is a manipulative, secretive , lier, and theif. She will stop at nothing to get what she wants. Is that what its all about greed?

How to forgive

Like I said in my opening it is two years later and I still have not been able to trust her. I try to forgive her but I find it very hard to forgive her in my heart. The words may be there but the heart says differently. How do you move on? How do you forget? How do you forgive? These are the constant nagging questions that are in my head. I should move on, forget about it. After all I am happy and have a loving husband and children. These things should not be important but yet they are. They are a piece of my mom. A memory of a time when she was alive.

We were both suffering from mom's death

We were in this together. We could have helped each other. We could have become close. We both loved and lost our mom. I ask you was it worth it? Was it worth losing me and my trust? I was your sister. How could you have betrayed me? I trusted you!

Distrust Poem

You have lost more than you will ever know

The distrust I have for you continues to grow

Your hurtful words and actions that have come into play

The stealing, manipulating the lies that you say

My kids have seen what you have done,

Their memories of you are no longer of fun.

They see how you acquired your inheritance through pelf

You really should take a hard look at yourself

I don’t know how you can look in the mirror each day

For it is you and your soul that we continue to pray


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    • oldersister profile image

      oldersister 2 years ago

      Thank you Susie and Otto for your kind advice. Things still have not changed. I have not spoke to my sister in 4 years. I have reached out to her on many occasions, but have had no response. I have come to terms with the fact that she is a user. If she can not get what she wants from you , she wants nothing to do with you. I thought that she would eventually come around and realize what she has done and how much hurt she has caused. She has no conscious , I hope she is happy with the life she has chosen. I have moved on with my girls and my life without her in it. She does include my aunts in her family functions, which surprises me because when my mom was alive she talked bad about them and wanted nothing to do with them. I guess she needs to keep them close in case she needs them for something.

    • oldersister profile image

      oldersister 4 years ago

      Angie, I am so sorry for your pain. I know how tough and hurtful it is when someone in your family you love and trust deceives and lies to you. Have you tried talking to them? Ask they why they lied to you? Were they trying to protect you from something?

    • profile image

      Angie 4 years ago

      I also am so hurt what my older sister did to me lied about things to me then I find out my father lied to me as well. The pain in my heart is so broken , I tried to forgive but I just can't see them anymore because of the years this has went on for.

    • oldersister profile image

      oldersister 5 years ago

      Susie, it has been quite some time now and I have come to accept that I will not ever see any of my moms jewelry or the sentimental items she has taken. I don't know if I have forgiven my sister or if the hurt has lessened. I have not seen or talked to my sister in over a year. She sends my children small gifts for their birthdays but the gifts seem to bring more hurt and upset to the kids. She has signed the gifts from the last name family, no aunt or uncle . My children hand me the gifts back and say they don't want it. It seems that all of this has affected even my kids. We have chosen not to bother any more and life has been much happier. We attend many family functions but my sister never shows up. She has isolated herself and does not even try to see them. My Aunt has asked to to come over with her family so that I am not present and she doesn't do that either. I am starting to think that she doesn't want to really be bothered with anyone unless they can do something for her. It is sad that her 5 year old will never know his family, the last time I saw them he was excited to see us and was trying to talk to us and she would not let him. What I don't understand is that she got everything she wanted the jewelry, more money than my family, (from a life insurance policy) , whatever material and sentimental items there were that she wanted yet she is mad at me. She stole from me and my girls and she is mad at me. Sometimes I think that she never really wanted to be bothered with any of the family and that she only did because of my mom. Now that mom is gone she cares only to keep them in her life when it concerns her and the rest of the time she does not want to bother. She has not gone to Baptisms, Holidays, and family barbecues. She can't even call them she sends an email and cancels on that day. She is very selective in what she tells people and she will not talk to them on the phone only text and emails. It is very strange. I don't think I will ever understand her or see her again, unless she is in a time of crisis and need.

    • oldersister profile image

      oldersister 6 years ago

      Sally and Donna, Yes trusting someone again is very hard to do, but forgiving them is something you have to do to move on. Thank you for stopping by.

    • profile image

      Sally 6 years ago

      Trust is something that has to be earned. Forgive her so you can move on with your life. You can not help what other people do but you can help your own actions. Try to forgive and prayer for her

    • profile image

      Donna F 6 years ago

      It takes a long time to rebuild trust. Try to find it in your heart to forgive and move on, If not for the person but for yourself

    • profile image

      Been There 6 years ago

      I know exactly how you are feeling older sister. I too have been in a similar situation.

    • Susie and Otto profile image

      Susie and Otto 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      oldersister: Ah, then it sounds like your job for now is to really take good care of yourself. Be kind and loving as you heal. Keep focusing in on what helps you feel soothed, supported and loved. And, as you are ready, do the forgiveness work that will also free you from this pain.

      Best Wishes,

      Susie and Otto

    • oldersister profile image

      oldersister 6 years ago

      Thank you Susie for your kind words. I have not seen my sister in over a year. She made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with my family. She has no more use for me. I will not hear from her again until she needs something.

    • Susie and Otto profile image

      Susie and Otto 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      oldersister: Rebuilding trust can certainly be a process. If you find that you aren't feeling the forgiveness and the moving on from a betrayal of trust, it's time to take a different perspective. Watch your thoughts and watch the person you are trying to forgive.

      Be on the lookout for signs that this person is showing you can trust her again. They may or may not be there. Look for observable and verifiable signs that she is trustable again. When your mind starts to go back to the past and the betrayal, think about whether what happened is still true, in this moment today. You might still feel hurt about it, but is it still going on?

      If it's not, try to shift your response to this person so that you are in the present moment and not the past. This takes patience but it can really make a difference.

      When it comes to forgiveness, remember, this is something you do for yourself when you are tired of carrying around the pain of the past. It does not mean that you are okay with what happened.

      Best Wishes,

      Susie and Otto


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