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Is my boyfriend using me?

Updated on August 14, 2011

All relationships entail a measure of give and take. Some people are givers while others are takers and it's ok if one of you gives more than the other. It becomes problematic when you start asking yourself questions like: Does he love me or is my boyfriend just using me? and Would we be together at all, if I didn't give him what he wants?

In this article we will look at how men use their girlfriends, how you can test whether he is just using you and what to do if he is using you.

Determining whether he is a user

What I suggest you do is to take an arbitrary time period, say 3 months. Take a piece of paper draw a line down the middle. On the left side write thing you did for him, on the right side things he did for you. Ad a column for times when he called you and one for when you called him. Examples would be: dates/meetings, gifts, favors and so on.

Relationships are an emotional subject. Putting pen to paper makes it more real and quantifiable.

Never show him the paper; this is just to help you wrap your mind around what he brings to your relationship.

Is my boyfriend using me for sex?
It should be reasonable easy to tell if this is the case. If he is only interested in the sex and not in any other part of your life, it's not going anywhere. Get him more involved or end it.

Is my boyfriend using me for money?
It's harder to tell if this is your problem. If he is making less money than you are, he could be very sensitive about the topic. If you are buying him large gifts and he is buying you smaller ones, perhaps he just can't afford it. Stop buying him things and paying for him and see how the relationship changes.

Signs that he loves you

  • He tells you he loves you - no brainer - If he hasn't, ask him: "do you love me?"
  • He respects you - Does he treat you, your friends and your family with respect? Does he sometimes do what you want, even though he doesn't like it? Does he treat women well, in general?
  • He trusts you - A man that doesn't trust you can't trust himself and is more likely looking to poses you. True love isn't possessive.
  • He wants to spend time with you and do things. When you go out he only has eyes for you.
  • He asks whether you would like to make your relationship exclusive.

Are you his Mrs. right or his Mrs. right now?
Some guys don't like to be alone. So they will keep someone around to fill their needs, with no intention of staying with them in the long run. The sign of this are pretty clear as he will be on the lookout for someone new and will avoid committing to you, fully.
The only thing to do in a case like this is to end it, it's not going anywhere.

If it becomes clear that he is only using you and he isn't going to change, dump him. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you deserve someone who loves you.


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      Erin 4 years ago

      The part where it says "signs he loves you"......the first sign is totally bogus. Just because a guy says it, doesn't mean he truly means it. Guys say i love you all the time, even when they don't love you at all. More like "if saying i love you will get you to sleep with me, then yes, i love you". Guys are notorious for this stunt. My soon to be ex boyfriend has been doing that lately. He is very sweet when we are making love, but then ignores me right after. Like playing video games or smoking weed or he will go out and have fun with his friends immediately after sex. He only gives me attention when it's time for bed. And even then, it's not even quality time. It's all about sex with him but he claims it's not. He claims he loves me, but his actions prove otherwise. He doesn't love me. Having love for someone is totally different than being in love. I specifically asked him recently if he is still IN love with me. His response was "of course i love you". Then i say "that isn't what i asked you." He got mad and was like "same difference". Um, excuse me? ? ! ! No it's not. He never ended up saying wether he was in love with me or not. He just never answered me as if i hadn't even asked the question at all. I consider that my que to leave him. I'm not a nag, but it pisses me off that he won't give a straight answer. He tries to weasel his way out of it by groping me and saying "come on babe don't be like that. Lets go upstairs and do it" . Ugh, like wtf! ? Yeah, ummmmmm, i don't think so sweetheart. He is in lovewith the sex, not ME. I tried talking to him again tonight about how his actions make me feel, and he didn't even bat an eyelash. I said i wanted out of the sham of a relationship because he isn't even listening to me when i try to talk to him. It didn't even phase him one bit. He was like "ok". What a jerk! Such a cold response only confirms my fears further. He doesn't even care.

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      concerned girlfriend 5 years ago

      I have been with my boyfriend for a while now and he had asked me to do something sexual, and I turned him down. His response was a bit of a shock to me, nothing major but, he responded in a very angry or snappish way "okay, it's fine" and turned away from me. I hadn't put too much thought into this until he began talking to me less, and being busy more often. Have I done something wrong, or is he simply wanting me for his sexual desires only?

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      Meeka 5 years ago

      Hey well I don't know what to do my boyfriend always gets mad when I ask for his phone and says the same thing " oh you don't trust me you're always going threw my things" when in reality he only comes over 2 times a week I asked to see his computer and he tells me if you go threw it we are ganna break up because you don't trust me but in the other hand me like I don't have a phone but I use my iPod and he grabs it away from me and sometimes just gets it and I don't care like I'm not hiding nothing so I just don't cre and the way he acts but I'm so confused like he has cryed cuz I don't trust him but I just don't know he used to be a player and honestly right now like every time he comes over we make love (sex) and I just don't know what to do please help

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      Marcy 6 years ago

      By the way (sorry about the misspelling) if anyone has any advice or comments on how to get rid of this leech I will truly appreciate it. I am very very miserable and unhappy at this point of my life. We're both on the lease if I brake the lease I will be losing $1,000 and I would prefer not to I have worked very very hard.

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      Marcy 6 years ago

      I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. Been living together on our own for 1 year. Before that I would feed him and help him with his rent. He didn't have a job when we first moved in I was paying for everything i even paid the deposit, and first and last's months rent with all my savings/refund. He got a part time job and I was still paying for everything because I was "greedy cold hearted bitch" when I would ask him for any contributions. He only lasted 6 months working, now I'm still paying for everything, his cat vet bill, food, rent, everything. I've accumulated about $4,000 in debt because of him. I'm a college student and I apparently am able to support two people by working 72 hrs a week, 7 days a week. And he can't get a job or get his high school diploma, still? He's pathetic and so am I for allowing him to continue to do this to me. If something that was posted in the article has happened to you girls, get out, those type of guys never change. They will either get their act together or find another gullible female.

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      michelle 6 years ago

      ok... i seriously need help. my boyfriend and i have been off again on again for the past 10 years. we have had a lot of problems! he feels that i have always lied and cheated on him with other men and that he is the one always getting hurt and has stuck by me regardless and gotten hurt. i feel that he has physically abused me (10 years ago now, and again 8 years ago) we were both on dope. anyway, he would and does ignore my calls and texts when he wants, than calls when he is ready. He has left me over and over again, but always comes back. verbally abuses me and confuses me by saying to get the hell away and we are done... than when i get involved with another, he calls, comes back, i want him back, but i have other guy now, and before other guy is completely gone he leaves me stating he isn't going to be with someone who cheats all the time. okay.. so the past 5 months, no other people in our relationship except us, we agree we are going to be right with each other and see what happens. we both live at home now with our parents, so he spent 1300.00 on motel rooms month of november alone to be with one another. i will be finished with college as soil scientistv ans pca in may. internship program in february and i will get paid. he works 40plus hours a week. says he wants to wait living together this time until i contribute money also so we will be equally committed. so in november, 2 days before thanksgiving, were in room and i get text from my friends stepson saying he wants to kiss and nibble all over me. my boyfriend has my phone at time playing game, i think. he gives me my phone to clear up space, doesn't say anything about text. i take phone, first things i always delete first is texts. i see text, thing why is he talking like that, im mad but delete it and don't say anything either. 2 days pass, its thanksgiving. i am supposed to go to his parents for dinner for first time. he has been acting quite, but when i ask him what's wrong he says nothing. when time to go he says he is going just for little bit and will be back and leaves me sitting in room. i go home, he does come back shortly, calls me, i come back. ask him to taalk to me. he tells me about text, says he seen id seen it and deleted without saying anything. i deny seeing it and tell him i don't know why he sent it and i love my boyfriend and don't want him to feel hurt or question my love.. next day we check out.,. i have to help mom cook our dinner on saturday. boyfriend comes over friday night and gives me $60 to pay ny phone bill and will see me thhe next day at 4;30 for dinner. first time ever cause mom hasn't let him be there since beat me up. i also have 2 kids 23 and 17 who hasn't liked or been around him since he was physical with me, but are willing for me since i have reassured them never happen again and was many years ago and drugs. i call and call and call. he doesn't abswer until 3;45 and says becouse he isn't coming, doesn't know if wants a relationship cause doesn't believe i didn't see text and isn't going to get hurt again by lies and other men again. i cry and mad cause my kids and family all waiting for him and there isn't nothing between other guy and still deny seeing text. he doesn't show.. family sees this. don't say too much though. he doesn't answer phone or texts for over 40 days now and says doesn't want me at all right now cause i bothered and bothered and bothered with texts calls and couple visits tohis work and urned him completely off. i did do that cause he left me sitting lookjing stupid in front of family, breaks up and should know how much i love him and one stupid text from idiot shouldn't have done that. no answer on x-mas, new years nothing! says he intended to just take break than come back but i pushed too hard and now no. i say pushed cause he wouldn't talk like adult. admit i seen text, told him why i lied and didn't want him to question love.. said i sorry. he says he knows i am but still done. went to his house yesterday, he was nice to me. had some work to do but would call when done and we can spend some time together.. he never calls. i text 5 hours later asking if still busy. he says at hospital visiting friends dad. doesn't call or text when done. 9 last night i drive by, his car is there and i text ask why lied and said he would get ahold of me? tell him don't understand anything anymore. i say seems he was just being nice and doesn't love me anymore and don't want to hurt me. and maybe has another girl? ( he has had 3 other girls in our relationship but always denies screwing them, just talked. always his friends girls. but at my boyfriends in middle of night or calls when his friend isn't around.) anyway.. no response. today i say if he doesn't love and want me anymore please just tell me so i can begin to heal and quit bothering. but if he does and is just punishing me for awhile than is coming back like in the past, just tell me love me and i will wait but cant read his mind and not saying anything makes me panic and act crazy. so, if doesn't, dont respond and i will stop... if does, let me know and i will wait till hes ready to talk. no response. i have left him alone but hurt like all hell. he isn't lying right. doesn't want me anymore at all. right? i need to not think he is coming back right?

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      debbieslinc 6 years ago

      Can anyone on here spell? Just wondering what you were doing in grades 2-5. Are we this stupid or just in a hurry to type and post?

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      Kayla 6 years ago

      My boyfriend said some really weird stuff to me today. We were sitting down on the grass together and his friends kept bugging us and he told them to leave us alone, and I was doing little art things on his arm cuz he wanted me to and then he said "Why cant people just leave us alone? Why cant we just be together without anyone interupting?" and the other day when we were walking home together his friend came between us and my boyfriend said "I don't like it when my friends get in-between us, I love walking next to you."

      Hes cheated on me 2 times, but now hes really changed. Like, he is not like he use to be. He is really clingy and always talking about were we should live, things like that. He pushes his friends away now when he use to be very sociable. Now hes just interested in me?

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      Mire 6 years ago

      Hi guys i hv problem my girlfrnd she always like to ask me money and i dnt hv good salary . Once a time we break and knw she is asking me more than before and other side she is olden me 8 yrs . Im 25 age

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      nikkijenison1992 6 years ago

      Hi i also have a little problem with my boyfriend that i could use advice on how to solve it

      he came from a bad backround where i meet him i meet him threw my ex it was his friend so we talked later he stold my heart his backround consisted living in a dumpy trailer park in beach park illnois in wi an with bugs and his family is poor has some money but not much . so i don't usually go for that type but his personallty got me and his sweetness we started dating he broke up with his ex bc she cheated on him and stuff but he said also bc she always wanted expemisve places to eat an others. we now been dating 7 months but before the 7 mark he moved into me and my grandpa house bc he got kicked out of his trailer so i told him he can so he been here for a month almost now and i told him i would help him out so i started buying him clothes socks exc about more then $200 or more an i noticed he has not bought me one thing since i been with him an he has a job for a month now before he moved out except for food we go back and fourth paying but that's about it and so i told myself ill stop buying him things and see .

      and we r trying to save up for a place to live a room or a appt so maby that's why but sometimes i think no becouse we jst got a new used car my grandpa bought us and i paid 15 hundred we both talked he pay half the insurance an so far a few months he has paid nothing an he says the same about the clothes an everything an nothing instead he tells me he wants window tint and a sub put into the car he pays of course an he pays for the gas but it seems like im paying for most of stuff dose anyone think he is using me for money an a place to stay ?? and a gf

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      Tom Coburn 7 years ago

      Well first of all, there is no excuse why a guy can't treat the lady he loves with small gifts or out to eat. If he was good with budgeting his money he wouldn't have money problems. It shouldn't be about the money he spends, only about the time spent together. I am disabled and can't work, but yet I live by myself alone with rent and utility expenses yet I set asside some to treat on my fiance' for if I really love her, she becomes a higher priority then myself. that doesn't make me lazy. I am busy all the time involved in different organizations. my fiance' makes an insane amount of money, but it wouldn't matter to me if she made anything at all. Even though she makes more then I do, I'm the one who spends money on our dates. she always uses the excuse she doesn't have any, you would think she was unemployed the way she acts on our dates, yet she makes more then I do, has no kids, and lives with her parents. even though she makes 10x more then I do, but to me that doesn't matter, for its the heart that counts, that no amount of distance could ever take away from us

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      Angie 7 years ago

      I have a question. I think I have my answer already but I just want to ask..I was talking to this guy for three months. When we first met everything seemed fine and everything was going smooth he came off as being a kind,caring, gentle person. We would hang out. Then one day I started feeling like we wasn't in a relationship anymore.I only met one of his friends and I told him I wanted to meet mine, he said no. I would say something like lets go to the movies or out to eat. He would say no. We started seeing less of each other and we would text. He often told me he missed me and would give me these long hugs like I was gone for some months. And I would often ask what's going on do we need to talk. He would say you talking too much for me. He often would tell me he loves me but never would want to spend time or do anything. We recently got into it and he just stopped talking to me completely without saying I want to break up. I tried talking to him about it which he wouldn't talk to me so now, We are not together, and he's the one mad with a broken heart and he feels I did him wrong..So Is it me does he not want to be in a reationship, or is he just crazy? Thanks

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      eva 7 years ago

      my advice is to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF - ONLY - enjoy YOUR LIFE - LOVE YOURSELF - spend your money ON YOURSELF - do nice things - FOR YOURSELF - do everything for YOU - ONLY - have fun - leave this horrible person in the dust - and move on to better things - you deserve a nice man in your life who will treat you like a queen.

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      KingdomHeart 7 years ago

      Wow as I read through all these exsperiences you all have had in a questionable relationship, I am begining to see the one I got out of to be the right thing to do. I felt so much frustration and guilt once I ended it but many of you seem to have stories I can relate to. I met my exfiance online... he is from a foreign country from Finland. Like always he started out as a pal and over three months of knowing him we grew very attached. He was uplifting and prasing me with solid words. We had different time zones that it worked out we could chat five hours daily for almost 7 straight months and even more so on weekends. He seemed almost too good to be true I knew he had a low income but enough to live well and enough to buy plane tickets to visit me in person. He seemed to be honest about his bad habbits... though no drugs, he was a drinker that is considered culturally acceptable in his country, gambled some, traveled a lot, seemed to have loads of friends and seemed to have close bonding to his family. He even admitted he had debts to pay off... Well I thought hey he is being wide open here and he and I spent a lot of time hearing eachothers views on things that seemed we had common ground on morals and the golden rule... it seemed he and I craved eachother's attention and he knew I had been a single divorced mother for ten years now and had not been married since my first and only divorce. He took a seemingly sincere interest in my sons but when he got here he was very odd. He was stiff on his money, I let him stay in my home free of charge and cooked for him let him use my washer and dryer and all my house hold things as well as bathroom needs... I even went out of my way to buy him an air mattress incase we were found to be just friends. He spent the first 8 days sleeping way more then the norm and I took the first three days of jet lag to be the issue but I am 34 with three teen boys with my time full while he was here and here he was a 28 year old man who was trim and fit healthy and told me he would be here ready to give me his all.... I gave him all the time in the world to pull it together until I got tired of the insults of when people would ask him why is he here he would respond saying I don't know. When we would go out in public places he would walk way in front or way behind. But on trail walks he would pull me aside and embrace me and passionately kiss me... He did odd things like pee off my back porch and also at night out in the front yard by the corn field next to the dog... When we went out to eat he never offered to cover the bill but only paid for his half and I had to pay for mine. We made love a whole lot and he would tell me I was his first and true love of his life and told me he loved me more then his mother whom he loved the most his entire life... and he always spoke so highly of her. I just thought to give him the benefit of the doubt since sometimes we all do stupid things when in love and no one is thinking clearly with all the nerves wracked up trying to figure out where this is all going... I finally had a melt down telling him all that was bothering me and he cried and sincerely appologized. I even told him upfront that it is ok to tell me if he just wants to be friends and nothing more and that I will still treat him well but at least it woud give me and understanding to the back and forth behavior. I offered him to stay at a hotel so he could get his sleep and go back to the airport on his own if he is not happy with me.. He fell apart saying all he could to convince me he has real love to me. After all that had happened he didn't have a lot of money so I went easy on him to go to Wall Mart to buy a low priced engagement ring he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. I thought to myself .. Ah that must be it ... poor guy he was just nervous so from now on things will only get better once I say yes to him we then can have back that confidence we once had before all this oddities were going on. But he kept saying how when he moves here in a year and he pays his way here to be with me how he will only provide for himself and some to my sons... I was like wow what? Because he knew of the new house and land I would be moving to that my dad entrusted to hand over to me free of rent and free of utility bills and now my exfiance was going on and on all he had in mind to do with what he wanted... not once did he offer any gift giving to me, just one time dozen roses and a baloon he sent me before meeting me and he told me that was in response to what I gave him in the mail.... since he worked out I mailed him a nutricinal poweder to support his daily work out my gift to him... but since then he offered nothing else. He even forgot my birthday when I remembered his.. I stepped over that due to thinking hey it is all still new between us.... Well I got tired of him saying he wanted to set up a work out gym in MY basement, and he went on to plan trips back home once he moved here to do that once a year for a whole month, and offered to plant food and hunt for meat while waiting to get employed and his exscuses were when I confronted him on this was he had head in the clouds thinking and was sorry and that he is not understanding on how our country does things in order to work here.... Then finally when he returned back home to continue his job there, and planned on being here in a year, my sons and I were facing a crisis. I spent three days on skype explaining to him all I was facing on my own... how many of us gals are afraid to ask our man for help durring those time and thinking that if we pose as strong and independent the man we are with would be more inspired to help us since we are showing them we are not out to use them but in hopes they would step in and help some... honest help not like taking advantage of them.... after all what is a relationship when you never get any help from them at all right??? Well he told me I would be on my own to fight my battels while he fights his on his own... but keep in mind he had a planned scheduled trip to miami florida to go on a cruise with his dad and bought a round trip ticket to and from the US... FULL KNOWING my sons and I were facing a crisis... he told me he would need an extra year to save up enough cash if I am unable to move to that new house and land and move into an appartment instead.... My heart just absolutely broke. He somehow managed to also tell me that his dad asked if I would like to come along but my exfiance told me I would not want to come AND said if I did want to come I would have to pay my way.... WOW!!!... Well, I ended the engagement but offered to be friends since I had known of people going to him asking for advice on relationships that had ended and he would tell them to work things out and be close friends.... WELL, with me when I ended it he went all out angry accusing me of being a borderline personality disorder and in need of getting evalutated since I made a snap choice in ending it with him and he accused me of verbal abuse when I had kept confronting him about my conserns. I accused him of being a Narcissist and Histrionic personality disorder and I told him I was sick of his verbal abuse and neglect. He with held friendship from me.... and a week after I returned his ring in the mail he told me that he is afraid he cannot be pals with me now but with distance time will clear things up... and told me I was the only woman who shook his heart like I did to him and bye for now.... I told him in response to him it was OVER no more and listed the reasons why. I even reported to him the counselor I was seeing told me I am so not BPD but that man is seriously wacko and that I showed the counselors all the emails and skype convos and all the odd behaviors he displayed to me in person. He responded back to me saying How he sees my folks think lowly of him and admitting he well earned it but wanted to know if it was ok that he look me up in a few years... I said basically.. certinly not and once again listed the reason why... he messaged back that ok no contact from either of us ever again and ended by saying God help us all.... I take

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      mary 7 years ago

      Ifeel that he has problems. Maybe he is depressed or maybe even on drugs. My boyfriends treats me the same way. When they scream in your face and hit you they have an anger problem from somewhere. Im not sure what to say as I haven't figured out mine either. But I really feel that if my boyfriend has to change it will be the end of us. He expects me to be the one who walks the line and change he sees that hhe does no wrong. I feel that he cares for me but he really doesn't love me he just thinks he does and I really think he don't know how to love someone and that's sad for me and for him.

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      kaye 7 years ago

      i have a question. i have been going to my boyfriend's house for the past 2 months already. and i was wondering why he hasn't showed me his room. could that possibly mean something or am i just over-analyzing things? thanks.

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      kaye 7 years ago

      i have a question. i have been going to my boyfriend's house for the past 2 months already. and i was wondering why he hasn't showed me his room. could that possibly mean something or am i just over-analyzing things? thanks.

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      Yvonne 7 years ago

      Get out!! He is abusing you and it is only going to get worse. Do something to build your self esteem, feel good about who you are and you will begin to see what is happening. I been through 20 years of the same, don't make the same mistake I did and don't bring your child up around a man like that.

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      Kate 7 years ago

      i need help, my boyfriend is the best thing ive ever had. & i love him so much. we have had ups & downs but through it we make it. he wants me to give him a bj & he wants to finger me, im not comfertable doing that right now but when i say that he tries pressuring me, i change the subject but i know that's what he wants. i not sure if im being used or if he really does love me. he says he wants me to be his first, but if im going to be his firset i wanna be his last. he says 14 is to young to be serious, but i want a serious relationship & if he wants to do those things then he better be serious! ugh i need help, what do you think?

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      Sarah 7 years ago

      I've been seeing my boyfriend for ayear now but have known him for 15 years we really get on he lives at home as his mum is not very well but most night he stays at mine. He's said he has told mr because we r different religions he can't marry but i am the only girl he's ever bn with he would have married. I'm not really botherd about marriage but I really love him I'm 31 he is a couple of years older than me. When we first started dating he woul take me out spend time with me but now it's different he never takes me out n I feel like he just uses me to do his office work n errons for him. He has said to mr a couple of times he loves me but he quickly changes the subject like he shouldn't have said it mayb cos I will get hurt. When we have had a few argument he say he not gna c mr again then phones me ses he's sorry n I should get him angry he drinks 3/4 times a week which dosent help. Also when he's about to do anything in business or anything else he asks me to tell what I think. I just dnt know what to make of the whole situation please let me know what u think :/

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      KS 7 years ago

      If you unhappy about it, tell him. Also, he needs to know that you can leave him if you don't get what you need (to have your needs met).

      If he cares enough, he will do something to please you so he wouldn't loose you, but if he doesn't mind you leave him, then you will find someone better than him anyway.

      Men spend money on women so his woman wouldn't leave him, or wouldn't be interested in other men, it's that simple.

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      jGaunt 7 years ago from London

      JT clearly that's a very unhealthy situation. Ultimately she has to take action lay down the options for him either leave or get a job. That's the only way to fix this mess.

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      JT 7 years ago

      We've got a situtation with a boyfriend. My niece is living with this guy. She's been with him for the last two or so years. He doesn't like to drive because his sister was killed in a car accident. So, it keeps him from finding work. He wants to be a rock musician but doesn't have the money to pursue his dreams. She foots all of the bills. There is no long term commitment in terms of marriage. She does love him. However all of us think he is taking advantage of her. Many in the family have suggested jobs he could take but he doesn't even consider them. How long does this go on? We really feel he is using her.

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      Angel  8 years ago

      Girl I may be young but I know one thing. He's not using you. He loves u. Trust me. I read it and I know he does. He's addicted to ciggarets, he likes to have his food ready when he comes home. Maybe he had a bad day. Idk but maybe he feels he can't find another job or has tee secretly but failed ANd didn't tell u becuz he didn't wanna be embaressed. He's just sensitive about money cuz he

      Cannot make hardly any. But girl he loves u, but if u wanna guy that pays for more things ad stuff pick. Another guy becuz he cannot make money like u

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      Abi 8 years ago



      TAKE CARE,

      LUV YA


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      JM 8 years ago

      i met my bf back in Nov 2009 when him and his ex had just broken up, then they got back together and he came back to me once again. it finally got to the point where i told him i only wanted to be friends, nothing else until i knew forsure he was over her. I then started having doubts and asked him to stay out of my life, that i knew he was still in love with her and what not. well 2 months down the road he calls me, wants to start fresh, he REALLY seems like he's over her.

      sooo... last weekend he askes me out during a make out session, i said yes. then next day, while texting one of his friends he works with, his friend says that my bf was sorry about asking me that, he loves hanging out with me and cares for me, hes just scared to get into another relationship because the last one was so bad.

      multiple times the following week he continues to call to talk and work things out, and how he does want to me be with.

      last night he shaved got all dressed up and said he wanted to come to my place to meet my parents and burn CDs. he knew how important meeting my family was, well all the way to my house he was texting, okay so i just assume hes nervous, he says he is when we get to my place, my parents aren't there, so he got lucky.

      we leave after awhile, he grabs some pizza, offers me some, and i took him back to the Center (where he is having to stay right now).

      last night we were texting then he went to play some game with the guys in the center, and didn't hear from him until 3pm this afternoon when i finally texted him. when he asked if i could buy him shorts in shoes. yah right, no offense but we JUST started dating, and he has tons of shoes (yes hes one of those guys) tells me its okay if i say no. hes been talking about replacing my door speakers but we'll see if he follows through.

      my question is... i understand he's in the center and he gets busy, and hangs with the guys, hes not supposed to have a cell phone in there but he hides it.

      BUT should i get upset if hes not texting me everyday, should i be upset if we don't talk everyday?

      i'm not clingy i just would at least like one text a day considering i cant see him everyday, and its hard dating someone in a place like that.

      i need more... and if i explain i don't want him to get mad, but to TRY. i like him a lot. And i know he cares about me, its just like i don't know how it will be when he gets out.

      someone talk to me.

    • profile image

      susan 8 years ago

      don't fall that man love to say that's everything that happen in the world is a women falt that true if i can i can say that on every fight then you start belivie that and yes you will start doing thing because he's making you belivie it you.

    • jGaunt profile image

      jGaunt 8 years ago from London

      I wouldn't assume that this means he wants to date other girls. Sometimes it just feels right to a guy to take it slower. You would however be in a better position to decide which is the case.

    • profile image

      broken hearted 8 years ago

      i have been dating this guy for the past 3months, and now he says he wants to take things slow, and he also needs is space.

    • jGaunt profile image

      jGaunt 8 years ago from London

      Of course everyone's relationship is unique. The bottom line is however that if your relationship is going to work, both of you need to be happy. If you cannot pursue that happiness in the relationship, it isn't going to last.

    • profile image

      wishingforthings 8 years ago

      My boyfriend makes me cry and then gets angry at me for crying?

      Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and about 2 years ago I broke up with him because I wasn't happy. He didn't take it very well and we talked and decided to give things another go. Its safe to say for at least the last year I have cried at least once every single day. And always because of my boyfriend. He has a terrible temper and if there are things in his personal life that are stressing him out or worrying him, he can sometimes project that onto me. Last weekend we had a horrible fight and he told me that he doesn't care about himself so he cant care about me.. I don't know exactly how, but we ended up talking things through and I Truly felt as though we were in a better place. All week I have made a super effort to be sweet and nice, & not picky (I think maybe I've been a bit picky and demanding lately when it comes to not making me cry)

      Anyway, all weekend it has been very hard for me to continue with this sickly sweet routine. I was in a destructive relationship previously and it took me 3 years to build myself back up and to realize that I don't have to be treated badly, in fact I don't deserve it, so I guess I like to think of myself as a strong woman. Now I'm beginning to feel like an annoying little mutt that's always hanging around his feet and he keeps kicking me away and i keep running back. Today , he's been his usually snappy self (I must be the most annoying person on the planet to him I think) and I tried to continue with being sweet but every time he would just make me cry, and then get completely exasperated with me and tell me to shut up. I mean he's hurt me, made me feel worthless, pathetic and annoying and I must shut up.. wtf?? so now I've moved myself into the spare room to give him some "space" but it doesn't seem to have done very much as he's just said to me he is stressed and doesn't need me putting pressure on him with stupid sh*t... I didn't realize that being hurt by the way somebody treated you was to be regarded as stupid sh*t. Particularly if your meant to care for that person. I hate to hurt the people I care about..

      Anyway what I need to know is, is it me? Should I just back off and chill out... or is being made to feel good and being treated nicely something I should fight for?

      I need to know

    • jGaunt profile image

      jGaunt 8 years ago from London

      You guys are still pretty young so I don't think getting that serious, at this point, is a good idea.

      You have to decide what's best for you. What I would do would be to tell him that things have gotten too serious and I want to take a break from being boyfriend and girlfriend.

      If he stays with you as a friend, then there is more to the relationship than just filling his needs.

    • profile image

      Confused in Love 8 years ago

      I need help. just recently my really close friend whom i lost touch with filled me in about the past few months that i didn't no about. she told me how her ex bf treated her and enlightened me with a side of him i never knew existed. he used her. she said they never had a freindship, it just jumped into a relationship before her eyes. the way she described his real personlity, it sounded a lot like my bf. she said her ex didn't say he loved her until AFTER they kissed while mine said it a while before. her bf made her do things she didn't want to...he touched her in uncomfortable places. she made out with him more often than not and she didnt want to. she couldn't refuse bc he scared her. he once clamped her wrists and yelled at her for not wanting to do things he wantd to do. the reason they broke up was bc he was controlling n disrespectful. she couldn't stop stuff from happening n cried EVERY time he did stuff, he hasn't date raped her, but things she didn't want to do. and she cried right in front of him and he would say, i promise i wont do it again im sorry. and it continued to happen. that got me thinking. ik not every guy is the same but ppl say my bf is controlling. ive also heard tht im ''owned'' i don't see it as that but its wht my best friends have told me. my best friend is best friends with my bf. and she said he once said tht he uses people for stuff he needs. and now im worried he uses me for pleasure and tht he doesn't love me for my personality but for my looks and wht i let him do. we've been together for about 3 months and by week 1 we had made out. by 1 month, he fingered me. i didn't ask him too, i wasn't expecting him too but he did. and i didn't no how to stop him. i didn't tell him not to, i tried moving his hand away from going in tht direction but he made his way around. i once mentioned tht i wanna slow down, and he said okay. next time i was with him, it happened again. n i couldn't stop it again. and we talk for hours on end everynight, but he either brings up sex or making out or some sexual activity. its like all his head is wrapped around is sex. we've never had sex and ik i wont be losing my virginity any time soon. we were friends before we started going out so ik we didn't jump into our relationship like my bff n her ex did. just last night, i asked him why he liked me. he listed: im nice, im perfect, im like his everything, he knows tht we're both afraid to lose each other which brings us close (we almost broke up twice for stupid reason, btw, hes cried 3 times to save our relationship), i have a gorgeous body, i have a nice butt--thts a turn on for him, and most of all, bc he loves me a lot. these make him seem like hes not into our relationship for the wrong reasons, but then once we were on a drive, he looked over at me, pulled to the side, and said, i wanna give u a hug..the hug lasted forever...then he kissed me which lasted a little while too. then i looked at him and laughed. he said " what? your just irrisistable. driving with u next to me is like torture." it scares me to think hes using me. but idk if he is. ive told him tht third base is too fast for me and ild like to slow down. he knows i cant stp him so he continues to go to tht level. hes seen me shirtless and has touched me. now if i refuse, he says...idg it. u let me before, why not now?. idk how i should figure out whehter or not hes using me or not. but if i figure out tht he IS using me, im gonna end it bc i REALLY love him. for him. and if im not loved in return for the right reasons, i cant be with him..bc to me thts worst then being cheated HELP!

    • profile image

      Jud 8 years ago

      Why would you want to list out details of your relationship and make "it more real and quantifiable."?

      I really want to chuckle at this point...

      "Never show him the paper; this is just to help you wrap your mind around what he brings to your relationship."

      Hmm. Is this because you know what you're doing is shallow?

      How would you feel if s/he found the list you made? Wouldn't you feel hurt if you found a list your partner made about you confirming some great insecurities?

      Here's my recommendation, really my 2 cents because as a disclaimer this most likely will NOT work for you because this is based on my experiences and all relationships are different. If you leave your partner in the dark about these types of decisions then you are just asking for the same from them and you can never have the type of open communication most relationships need in order to survive.

      Good luck to everyone because this article is just plain bad advice in my books.

    • profile image

      Cece. 8 years ago

      My Boyfriend Never really wants to settle down as a place on our own. he just wants to be a floater here and their. He wants a life as a single man but yet wants to be with me.He wants me to obay all the rules as a reall realtionship. weve been together for 2 and half years. he calls me names and makes me fill low. i cant visit family becoase they don't like him. he blames everything on me. and im older then him. My Mom Died a while back and left me only one thing and we arguied and he looked at me grabbed and thrue it on the floor. he makes me fill low. i want to move and let him go but he makes me fill bad to not go

    • profile image

      Raven 8 years ago

      girl i am going through this same thing i just had to let my boyfriend go last night and we were just about to move to atlanta together. I love him but when he gets mad he hollers and breaks things, he doesn't contribute as much as he could because he says he doesn't have it but do something to make me feel special a clean house when i get home cook for me and rose petals on the floor or just roses. I mean its only $5 or $10 dollars for a dozen roses at walmart and he is always asking me for money, IF I WAS A MAN I WOULD FEEL LIKE LESS THAN A MAN TO KEEP ASKING MY WOMAN FOR GAS MONEY, BUY ME SOMETHING TO EAT, AND DO U HAVE $10 SO I CAN GET MY HAIR BRAIDED oh hell nall, trust me seek GOD and pray for the truth and a way out. My boyfriend also use to write on my myspace page and know if i write a i love u comment he doesn't even write back i asked if he seen it he say oh yea i seen it love u too. So i had to make a hard decision and its hurts, and i cry, but i kind of feel relieved. AND I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH A MAN WHO HOLLERS AND BREAKS THINGS AND MY BOYFRIEND IS ALSO KIND OF JEALOUS TOO

    • profile image

      em 8 years ago

      hi, hopefully by now you are straitened out with him, not to judge you, ive done it once also, but i think you should find another job, especially after you have a baby, he would respect you more for it also. who cares what it is you will feel better about yourslef, by the way you failed to say how much he makes etc. i think that a women should pay that mush into a relatiosnhip, however if you two really love each other and are having a child WORK IT OUT, GO FOR COUNSELING! it may help a lot trust me, most relationships fail due to lack or communication and reading each others minds, talk oit out more, get ANOTHER JOB- he may feel jealous etc about that and feek you owe him, get naother job hun trust me,,, you will both feel better and your child good luck :)

    • katacham profile image

      katacham 8 years ago from United Kingdom

      This is a really well written and insightful Hub. Thank you very much. :D

    • bingskee profile image

      bingskee 8 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

      i think it would be easy to tell if someone is using you or not especially if it involves money. a man who has dignity would not even want his woman to spend more if he is earning, or will be shy enough to have his woman spend a lot for the expenses and then find ways to earn more.

    • profile image

      aanya 8 years ago

      i feel like hes using you. this is not a love and for sure its not a love to be there with you only for money and house. advice is btr you left him now and regarding pregnancy then abort it.howcoem its possible that after birth of child he take care. is it looks good that this tiem you are feeding taht guy and after child you kept on feeding that child also.and if you dnt bring money in home then who will brought up that child....

      also, change your profession and do get in different place and search for job. you will definitely find new job....dnt try to make life of ur child as hell as you are already in helll....dnt feel hes in love with you.hes not...ok.....

      btr leave him and go and live your life at the fullest with the guy who really love you.....

    • jGaunt profile image

      jGaunt 9 years ago from London

      The best advice I can give you is to spend time working on your communication with him. Try to get your relationship to a place where you guys can talk honestly to each other.

      I like to think that deep down he wants to take care of you and your baby, but it's your judgement call as to whether that is the case.

    • profile image

      DesireeCiak 9 years ago

      I need some advice or insight. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We both come from bad relationships. We knew each other and liked each other before dating. Now, he tells me that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder. He can be the sweetest guy in what he tells me- I'm beautiful, loving, etc ect. But at the same time there are things I wonder about. He has a job as a construction worker, so doesn't make a lot of money. When we first got together, I ran into an emergency situation and needed a job right away and after a month of looking (and no money or place to live) I got a job at a strip club. So I make a fair amount. I don't want to misjudge him because he makes less. But we moved in together about a month after dating which was too fast. I have to pay for the majority of the rent. I pay half on the bills. And I pay to get my car (which we both use because he doesn't have one) fixed. Also food and dates I mainly pay for. In the past month, I've had to pay 1200 to get my car fixed (he only paid $288), and then come up with $750 on my own for rent since his $288 was supposed to be for rent but we needed the car fixed. He always gets mad at me when I talk about this with him and says I'm selfish because he spends all his money on me and I don't realize it. But I don't understand what he gets for me or spends money on me with. I pay for my half if not all for the date- he has only paid fully for me on a date maybe two or three times out of three months. I feel ripped off at times. Maybe I'm just not used to this. He gets angry at me because I sometimes doubt his love and says I should know he loves me by now- it really upsets him. He already introduced me to his family and friends. He knows the right words to say after a huge fight. When we fight, it usually starts off with me not making him dinner for him by the time he gets home. Things like that. He gets upset because I don't always cook and clean for him. We argue and he screams IN my face, throws and breaks things, and even gets aggressive. He has only grabbed me in two fights. I leave and he calls and calls. Finally I answer and he is blaming everything on me. We argue for another hour or so and then he apologizes and cries. Then for the next week he can be sooooo sweet and loving. I saw the letters he wrote to his ex before dating me on his myspace, and they were SO long and loving. He had a diff job with her, and bought her EVERYTHING. Also fathered her two kids that weren't his. She treated him badly so they aren't together anymore. But I don't see him treating me as good as her. He loved her a lot. He says he loves me more, but he never even returned any of my long messages I wrote him after we got together. I left him comments, pic comments, and messages, and he never left me one. But he left some on all his other ex's page. I am also pregnant with his child- we found that out a few days ago. He knows this and says he is so happy because he always wanted one. But does he love me for real? I am so broken right now. I recently moved across the country for something that failed miserably and didn't know anyone. So he is the only person I pretty much know. I don't know what to do.. He seems to expect things. Asks me to pick him up ciggarettes and when I didn't he freaked out. He expects food on the table when he comes home, a clean house, and money. I know for a fact that I'm also better in bed than any other girl he's been with. I HATE workiing at the strip club. I HATE IT. But until I get my GED, I cannot get another job. I have tried. He treats me like it's so easy to work in the sex industry. "All you have to do is go shake your ass and you get what I make as a hard worker for a week in a day". But yet he doesn't try to find another job. He works with his best friend and his best friend's dad who is his boss. I don't know if he minipulates me to make me feel bad so I do spend more money, or if he does really love me and just doesn't know how to show it, I am so confused- any advice or insight is GREATLY appreciated!


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