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A question of morality and suspicion

Updated on May 17, 2012

You read ur partners texts & found out he/she is cheating. Do you have the moral ground to confront? asked by Lady_E 4 hours ago

The "termites" in a defective marriage vow
The "termites" in a defective marriage vow


Before anything else, let me say that this subject matter of the question is very serious for me, so you can expect a lengthy answer.

In the first place, the fact that I checked on his text messages secretly only shows that I had been suspicious of his integrity and that I should have already discussed with him my suspicions and all the reasons surrounding it, in which in turn, he should have already denied vehemently too and have had tried to prove as groundless and untrue...yet my suspicions persist secretly...it hurts just to be suspicious.

The discovery of his infidelity only confirms my suspicion. I cannot tolerate pathological liars and traitors especially in a marriage vows where each of the couple is expected not only to love and but also to reciprocate and respect each others' needs ; for me cheaters are pests, they are loathsome termites that invade the foundation of my existence...my husband should be the first to know how I deal with disloyalty; he should be the first to know my decisiveness when my trust is abused; he should be the first to know that I burn bridges the minute I discover its foundation as "termite-infested".

Confrontation is irrelevant in this situation, I won't need explanations and my ordeal of spending sleepless nights and having this disturbing feelings and flow of thinking that are based on distrust had come to an end...I am fully convinced that I had been right all the way and this is all that I needed; he lied and he has no right to expect me to be true to him even if I am always naturally straightforward under normal situations...our "journey together", I mean our marriage is done... I won't even tell him that I read his text messages...let him suspect to death or ask me if I knew something, anything; I won't give him the benefit of the doubt and to let him know what I had discovered... I will just leave him or kick him out from my life in my own terms; I cannot live one minute more under one roof with a cheating husband, with a "clan of termites in his dark soul" that consume a structure's foundation as quickly as a wink... Confrontation is irrelevant in this situation; I would tell him that my suspicions are eating my soul like cancer...that I don't want to spend one minute more of my life wallowing in the stinking mud of suspicions. I would kick him out from my life in the grounds of suspicions, take it or leave it, but I cannot listen anymore...let alone stay with my heart bursting and spewing the coals of hell under this den of .morbid marriage vows...to hell with this marriage! Yes, I will curse marriage if all the men that is left in this planet are cheaters. I will find happiness and redefine it in my own terms...excluding men.

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    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Thank you for dropping by and for your comment.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      skye2day,

      Thank you for dropping by and for your comment.

    • skye2day profile image

      skye2day 

      6 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      Jynzly, Rock on girl. I like!! If one suspects cheating behavior more then likely, yes it is happening. This is for most any situation, I believe. I beleive most of us have a God given intuition and when we are nudged it is a warning sign. How many times I did not take heed to the warning signs. In hindsight it was my own denial., hoping. Best if one moves on fast when flags show up! Flags do not just show up unless one just invents them because fear. Which is another topic. Great writing and hub.

      God Bless you sister.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Fuller-Life,

      I do appreciate your sincere participation in this hub.I forgive and forgive and forgive until I exhaust my forgiving heart then my decision would be it; I may sound harsh or stern but I listen first and I read between lines. It's the motive of the heart that intrigues me. I forgive but I assert at the same time.

      Thank you once again and God Bless.

    • Fuller-Life profile image

      Fuller-Life 

      6 years ago from Washington, DC

      Absolutely. Life indeed is movement. Honestly, I do believe in forgiveness and reconciliation. If a marriage is built on a strong foundation, even when one falters, it can be resolved and still thrive. But if it is dogged with deceit and betrayal, moving out of that toxic environment is probably the best and wise move. Thanks for writing an engaging hub.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Fuller-Life,

      Thanks again for this response.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Fuller-Life,

      We make mistakes but we also have the ability to forgive and learn from our mistakes then move on as a better person. Life is movement and progress or a process of evolution, this is basically the wonder of living our lives assertively.

    • Fuller-Life profile image

      Fuller-Life 

      6 years ago from Washington, DC

      I agree with you. Except, I think that the mistake was to marry a pathological liar in the first place. Which makes him a patient of character flows. You cannot build a relationship on a lie and expect it to thrive once you are settled in it. The foundation is already compromised - termite infested and a rotten structure, as you put it.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Fuller-Life,

      I "see the beauty of the hills", take note: BEAUTY OF THE HILLS, not of the horribly termite-infested foundation of that structure on top of the hill; unfortunately we all need to be inside a structure in reality. Such termites debilitate the senses and blurs everything that are supposed to be beautiful. We have to get out from such infected and rotten structure in order to enjoy the natural beauty of the hill.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Fuller-Life,

      First of all, I want to express my appreciation for your dropping by and for giving my hub a moment of attention.

      Take note of this; In this specific situation it is presumed that "prior to the discovery of the texts there had been series of arguments on suspicions already (pesteringly) existing between me and my husband. His integrity had been questionable and I had already "candidly" expressed my thoughts and feelings which were supported by my observations and educated analysis... in which in turn, he had denied vehemently. He also had presumably tried to prove that my suspicions are groundless and untrue...yet my suspicions persisted secretly because his actions are contradictory to his defensive statements; his actions speak louder than his defensive, weak, and loathsome justifications.

      In this given situation it is presumed that I had already exhausted all my sincere efforts...I had so desired to know the truth from his own mouth, supposedly because I so desired to keep the marriage...yet all evidences had directed to his being untrustworthy; deep within me and in all my right senses he failed to earn my trust...yet he continuously show suspicious behaviors...then the text messages come...

      My suspicions had been based on his observable behaviors that were yet to be proven.

      Upon the discovery of the texts, the confrontation stage had been already exhausted and is too late for such senseless confrontation... here comes the proof that he is saying one thing but doing something else.

      The text messages are only confirmations of his rotten character. Confrontation in this phase is not only irrelevant but an outright stupidity, for what? to save a defective and sanity-destructive marriage?...

      I am not anymore giving him a chance to perpetuate his lies; by this time I will have lost my courage to live with a liar who had done irreparable damage in my senses. Confusion exists in this marriage life and I want freedom from such mental anguish.

      "After-all freedom comes by knowing the truth" you said this right...I will have freedom from a life of mental anguish. Living with a perennially questionable character is like dying every day.

      "Many have ruined their marriages by misreading texts." In this situation, "misreading texts" is not the issue that ruin this marriage, it's the questionable and doubtful moral values of the husband.

      There would have been no "wrong number messages received" from a mistress or a wench if in the first place, my husband is not a mundane flirt that loves to be connected with promiscuous women...he's got the uncontrollable inclinations...the wench could not have my husband's number. If he is truly an upright husband like what he tried to prove himself to me as being straight and innocent, there would have been peace in this household.

    • Fuller-Life profile image

      Fuller-Life 

      6 years ago from Washington, DC

      Wow...what can I say? Very engaging hub. I sense a different breed of women here. I wish everyone was as strong as you portray it. But, the reaction can't and should not be uniform. First of all, checking her text or his, isn't illegal or invasion of privacy, if you are married. It should be an open-door policy. No passwords on phones. What are you hiding?If you are just dating, it's not so much of a big deal. You are both sizing each other up. But after discovering that my wife or partner is cheating, avoiding confrontation would be the last thing on my mind. Unless I have not fully invested in the relationship. If I love someone, I would not just see termites everywhere. I would not ignore the beauty of the hill. It's naive to think I'd just walk out and think I'll be free. After-all freedom comes by knowing the truth and then deciding how to deal with it appropriately. Many have ruined their marriages by misreading texts. There possibilities of a text being sent to a wrong number. I am sure you all have done that. Confrontation (candid communication) is never irrelevant in a conflict. Sometimes' over suspicious spouses ruin their own marriages. They create theories of an illicit affair and convince themselves it's happening. There is evidence of this in numerous marriage therapy sessions. So don't rush to conclusions.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Lady_E,

      Walang anuman.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Lady_E,

      You ask brilliant questions that hit the nucleus of the soul...very logical ones for that matter...it's just natural that you receive sincere and brilliant answers as well.

      Thanks once again for your valuable comments and for dropping by.

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 

      6 years ago from London, UK

      Very interesting read, Jynzly. I'm beginning to think confrontation is irrelevant too, but I also think if he/she was told it might stab his conscience.

      After reading your hub, I was also thinking it would be so much harder for a married couple than people who are just courting because they would be glad they can get out and not marry a cheat.

      Levertis made some good points too.

      Brilliant Hub. Salamat :-)

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Levertis Steele,

      You're so sensible.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Levertis Steele,

      Exactly...Thumbs up!

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 

      6 years ago from Southern Clime

      "A cheating husband meets another cheating woman to replace his faithful wife.

      "Yes, I remember Bobbit, but I won't go to such extent...I am not criminally-inclined..."

      Your statements are so sensible, and I agree with you 100%. I was not suggesting that you give him the Bobbit treatment. I was thinking that cheating men should look at that case and realize the pain that they can cause a woman. Yes, indeed, I chose to avoid a criminal life, too. Once the pain is in the past, life becomes sweeter.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Levertis Steele,

      I love your comment and imagination...

      Thanks a lot for such strong and convincing statements.

      Actually, cheaters deserve one another. I won't be a part of them. A cheating husband meets another cheating woman to replace his faithful wife. His faithful wife is an insult to his rotten soul; so he would find someone more rotten than he is so he can be a bit uplifted...his mediocrity will be covered.

      Yes, I remember Bobbit, but I won't go to such extent...I am not criminally-inclined...I just kick my stupid husband out from my life and let him chase all the cheating women too, he will have more than enough supply of them for the rest of his cursed life.

    • Jynzly profile imageAUTHOR

      Jenny Pugh 

      6 years ago from Marion, Indiana, USA

      Levertis Steele,

      I love your comment and imagination...

      Thanks a lot for such strong and convincing statements.

      Actually, cheaters deserve one another. I won't be a part of them. A cheating husband meets another cheating woman to replace his faithful wife. His faithful wife is an insult to his rotten soul; so he would find someone more rotten than he is so he can be a bit uplifted...his mediocrity will be covered.

      Yes, I remember Bobbit, but I won't go to such extent...I am not criminally-inclined...I just kick my stupid husband out from my life and let him chase all the cheating women too, he will have more than enough supply of them for the rest of his cursed life.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 

      6 years ago from Southern Clime

      Oh, my goodness! A cheater can really do a lot of damage to a mind. It is so painful and disappointing to be a faithful spouse and think that your marriage is made in heaven only to find out that you are your husbands and his mistress's target of pain. You are the one in the dark. She knows everything about you, and your husband allows that wench to walk all over you. He probably won't leave you if you won't leave him, but he does not know that he is on his way out. I say, "Leave that creep," that termite!

      Many wives have been murdered by their husband's mistresses, and they never knew what hit them. Some mistresses are so desperate for men that they will destroy other's lives and their own just to drag a married man home with them. Many have gone to jail for life for being stupid. When they are locked up, the men marry another "desperatess" before the jailed mistress is eligible for her first box of noodles.

      The irony is that most married men never trust these women because they are adulterers. They secretely view them as whores that they are drawn to.

      Some men, bless their souls, marry loose women, and actually think that they can change them. I know a man who married three. Does that make him a fool to the third power? No offense is intended to the men, just painting a picture of only the ones who cheat.

      I suppose anyone can tell that I have had my share of cheating men. Remember Bobbit? Just asking.

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