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I Tried All, He Does not Want to Change!

Updated on June 13, 2019
desmondlens profile image

Desmond has been a renown poet and inspirational man for almost 9 years now. He has taught many young kids aspiring to be poets in schools.

No relationship is exempted from facing challenges, they all do. This is because we meet different people with different minds and backgrounds. We then talk ourselves out and give each other a chance. It’s normal that in a relationship you have arguments no matter how loving each may try to be. We don’t deliberately hurt each other, not at all. Sometimes he may see things the way men would but definitely and undeniably, women may see the very things in totally different perspective. That is when arguments start. When misunderstandings prevail, the fire quenches down! Who can stand an unquenchable fight? Sometimes we change to accommodate our beloved's imperfections but at times we just feel they have to make efforts too. When they do try to make any efforts and insist on the fact that we found them as they are and so we can’t change them, we lose the spark.

How many times have you tried to talk to your partner about certain things he/she should work on? A billion times you may say. I have met people who would tell me that they haven’t given up on their relationships and sometimes marriages but their actions prove otherwise. You have not left the house but maybe you have left his life. How would you know then, that you have left his life but you are in his house? This article will answer your one million dollar question.

You are frustrated

One may argue that he/she is frustrated but hasn’t given up and I will agree. The thing is, frustration is a feeling of annoyance, resulting from being unable to achieve or change someone. Now from this you can agree with me that if you are frustrated by your husband or boyfriend, he is actually annoying you! "He just won’t change!" so you cry. This can be deeper than that, frustration is honestly, a feeling of defeat. What frustrates me is what i want gone, I don’t know about you. Please comment below. None of the people we love should frustrate us. If they would, I recommend seeking help.

You developed an 'I do not care' mentality

There we go, another blow. Have you reached a point in your relationship that you have this 'evil thought'? That you no longer care what happens, come what may as some say? Trust me you are gone. How can you not care about your beloved's whereabouts, health or even his hygiene unless you are no longer in his life? Here is a powerful advice, you can never change what you ignore. If you try to ignore anything, particularly what you what to change, it grows worse. Are you saying you don’t care if he has eaten or not? if he took a shower, what if he had an accident, would you still not care? if you would not, you are not in his life. That’s a sign that you have given up on him.


You no longer show any interests to make attempts

The thing is that your mind has convinced you that you did everything. When you have said everything or done all and have reached a point of conviction that nothing more could ever be done, you are actually gone. If someone would tell you to speak to him again would you? No! Why? Because you did already. You see, that’s where the problem is, you make no attempts. You don’t want to try again. You lost hope. Even the best counsellors won’t keep you in that relationship. It’s like someone who was told that he has an incurable disease and start messing up saying "what’s the point, I’m dead already". no one should tell you to stay or leave your man, you decide but be very careful when you notice that you no longer want to talk about his addiction, his financial support in the house, his password encrypted cell phone or the kids' school fees because then you are gone already.

You have permanently become negative minded

Permanently in this case is deep but maybe you have. When things toughen up in a relationship people start becoming negative minded. Mistakes are no longer considered mistakes, they are actually deliberate actions. Promises no longer have structure, you have had enough of empty ones. When you become more negative you naturally disregard potential positives. Accommodation of nativities blinds hope. If you no longer see the efforts that your partner is making it’s probably because you do not want to, you have had enough. What is left is you to leave the house or better, he goes. If you see that you no longer have room in your life for advises that will keep you seeing that face the next day, just know that you are gone.


You have become reckless in your relationship

One thing to fight never to lose in your relationship is your value, your personal standards that you have always kept and careful to sustain. You can’t let these go. i have seen many people, after a series of unresolved issues in their relationships, they stop taking care of themselves and start being reckless. They just don’t understand that nothing will change if they lose their value. Humans are the only mammals that prove their love by taking care of themselves. You don’t want your partner to see you with the same hairstyle or piece of clothing. It’s a paradox of love. The problem is when we stop loving we take ourselves for granted. When a wife stops watching her weight or stops taking note of her appearance it’s a great sign that she stopped loving her husband. Maybe this has been you but you want to tell the world that you love your partner. i beg to disagree.

Hope is what pulls us into the future, it is what makes us pass through situations and situations. When you start losing hope in your relationship it loses its future. Find and fix things in your union and fight to keep that hope candle burning. if things did not go well today, tomorrow they may. That’s hope. In a nutshell I don’t see any need for you to continue on a journey of uncertainties.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 Desmond Goitsemang

Comments

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    • desmondlens profile imageAUTHOR

      Desmond Goitsemang 

      4 months ago from selebi phikwe Botswana

      Wow, i like the way you express yourselves its amazing to see how many people actualy dont have the guts to just go, life is an adventure, if you you do nothing you explore nothing

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      4 months ago

      Desmond,

      "..should they go or keep fighting maybe something will eventually work out?" If two people want the same thing there is very little to fight about. Not long ago I saw the following quote someplace:

      "Love is like a fart if you have to force it it's probably shit!"

      I believe if you want something different you have to do something different. We get to (choose) who we spend our time with.

      It makes sense to seek out those who are most compatible with you. Several years ago I wrote a book titled:

      My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)

      In it I point out how people become frustrated when they expect others to become who (they) are not! You'd be happier in the long run if you simply got with someone who wants what you do.

      Most likely whatever that is you are NOT alone.

      Instead we have too many people insisting upon fitting square pegs into round holes. The more time they have invested the more time they justify continuing to stay in situations they're unhappy with.

      "There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough." - Anonymous

      With regard to being in a "cold relationship" those people will probably gain insight from reading: The Five Love Languages

      Gary Chapman explains the various ways people naturally express and interpret love. Once you're aware of that you have the option of pursuing someone who naturally express love (the way) you want or both of you can attempt to {learn how} to appease the other.

      It's a lot easier and more cost efficient to buy a bottle of wine rather than ripping up your back yard, planting seed, adding fertilizer, water, pulling weeds, waiting for grapes to ripen on the vine, picking them, going through the fermentation process, stocking it in barrels waiting a couple of years for optimum flavor...etc.

      And yet so many people insist on doing things the hard way.

      Some people actually HATE the whole dating/getting to know you process that they will jump into an exclusive relationship as soon as possible. Once they are in one they will do everything they can to avoid being single again including learning to live in misery.

      The thought of "starting over" paralyzes them.

      It takes courage to admit you made a mistake in your mate selection process and be willing to take the lessons you've learn in order to become a "better shopper" the next time you choose a mate. Learning from mistakes is what makes us wise.

      The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world! Do your best to have the best. Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

    • desmondlens profile imageAUTHOR

      Desmond Goitsemang 

      4 months ago from selebi phikwe Botswana

      @dashingscorpio...i read your comment and its interesting what you said but here is my question my dear...what do you think in few lines, about people who are in cold relationships in which attention is a long sought virtue? should they go or keep fighting maybe something will eventually work out?

    • profile image

      janicelove4 

      4 months ago

      Hello dear how are you and how is your health today My name is janice?

      am please write me here on my private email (jacobjanice38@gmail.com)

      for more discussion thanks

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      4 months ago

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our own mate selection/must haves list.

      Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      Ideally you will choose someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      There is no amount of "work" or "communication" which can overcome being with someone who does NOT want what you do.

      If you or your mate has to change your (core being) in order to make the relationship "work" you're probably with the (wrong) person! Thankfully there are 7 Billion other people on earth!

      Generally speaking people don't change unless (they) are unhappy. Very few people are walking around with one hand raised in the air screaming:

      "I'm looking for someone to change me!"

      Most people want to be loved and appreciated for who they are.

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      Go where you are celebrated and not tolerated.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      The choice is up to us! No one is "stuck" with anyone.

      Suffering is optional.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

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