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Losing Your Best Friend

Updated on April 5, 2015

My broken heart

How to conquer grief?

December is coming soon and I am more anxious than ever. Not because it is the holidays, but there is a special day I would like to remember fondly. However, as much as I try to think of it fondly I am also more disheartened. I probably celebrated more than 18 years of happy moments on that special date and now I am left but with memories I try so hard to remember.

I am talking about my best friend's birthday. I miss my friend terribly. I hate to admit I still tear up each time I get stuck at the moment. I try to weigh in the instances on how many times I had ever had my heart broken. I had mine broken about 4 times, all because of bad relationships. This is the 5th and I couldn't believe this hurts so differently and so lasting. I guess it is true that love for a friend is completely different for love in a relationship or for family.

My best friend died about 8 years ago. She lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. The very odd thing about is, her family decided to hide her illness from relatives and friends. They locked her up at home and told everyone she migrated to Germany for a special training for work. I only found out she died about 5 years ago. At that time she has been dead for about 3 years.

I felt so betrayed. I was her best friend! I found out that her sister would use her email to fake emails to me saying her sister was just busy but that she asked her to write to me and just say how sorry she was. When I finally I was so tired to the "he said - she said" I pried the answers out of her. She admitted that it was their mother's wishes. She said she thinks her mother, until this day, has not accepted the fact that her sister had died.

I didn't cry when she was telling me the story about how my best friend suffered until to her last breathe. I also didn't cry when she said her sister was also upset that she couldn't tell me and she knew that I would be mad not knowing.

How could I ever be mad at her?! I am mad about the thought that I wasn't there to hold her hand. I am mad for not being there to comfort her through her pain but most of all I am mad I wasn't given the chance to say goodbye. That's what I am mad about; but never to her.

If ever you have had your heart broken and felt that life is so unfair. Think of this story, how me the blogger had expressed my grief and maybe you'd feel different about your broken heart. I didn't lose a boyfriend, that I can replace with another, I didn't divorce a husband not worth being married too, I could always find another, I didn't even lose a parent or grandparent due to old age, that is a given fact. I lost my best friend, the one person who listened to me rant about myself, the person who cheered me on when I was trying to be somebody and more importantly, I lost the one person who held my hand during all the time I lost the above. Now I am left alone to cry. I hug myself cause now she's not here with me to hug.


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    • t0niesjv profile image

      t0niesjv 2 years ago from Philippines

      First of all I would like to apologize for not even thanking you for the kind words. It is because I have not been able to log on to my hub for some time (so busy blah, blah, blah :-)). Secondly I wholeheartedly appreciate your comment and specifically pointing out the reasons.

      My friend's death anniversary is coming up and I am again reliving the emotions.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, toniesjv,

      This was very moving. I am very sorry that you lost your best friend, but know, you haven't lost her when you know she is in your spirit. I voted up and all but funny.

      I really love this hub. And here are the reasons why:

      1. This is an excellent piece of writing. Honestly, it is amazing.

      2, I loved the way you worded this hub.

      3. Graphics, superb.

      4. This hub was helpful, informative and very interesting.

      You are certainly a gifted writer. Please keep up the fine work.


      Kenneth Avery, Hamilton, Alabama

    • t0niesjv profile image

      t0niesjv 5 years ago from Philippines

      unfortunately I have not spoken to her mother. Her sister continuously begs me not to admit and confront their mother. it is simply because i feel she has probably gone insane and just don't realize it. True grief can not be affect a person the same way. The only logical reason I could think of on why she chose this path is because she also lost a son due to an accident. My best friend's brother at that time was just 16. I know it is never right to bury your own children, but holding to their memories is like your holding back their passing. It is very haunting. Sad but true.

    • Johnny2Balls profile image

      ... 5 years ago from ...

      What a strange and bizarre world we live in. I've never heard of something like that before, and it makes me wonder why her mother chose to go down that path.

      I'm curious about whether it was just denial, or whether it was something more? Regardless, loss and grief and shock and pain impacts everyone differently and we all react in such unique ways that I think we genuinely become different people for a time.

      Have you had much contact with the family, or more to the point, with the mother since? Have you spoken to her about why she did what she did and what made her believe it was the best, most valid option to take? I understand that it's a sensitive subject for both sides, but I wonder whether you've been able to discuss it.

      I guess I'm wondering if there has been the possibility for closure, at least in part.

    • SkeetyD profile image

      SkeetyD 5 years ago from Barbados

      You're welcome

    • t0niesjv profile image

      t0niesjv 5 years ago from Philippines

      I write about her every time I miss her. It still hurts but I guess I just have to deal with it. Thanks for the concern.

    • SkeetyD profile image

      SkeetyD 5 years ago from Barbados

      What a heart-wrenching and peculiar situation. I hope it wasn't too hard for you to write this hub.