Losing Your Best Friend
My broken heart
How to conquer grief?
December is coming soon and I am more anxious than ever. Not because it is the holidays, but there is a special day I would like to remember fondly. However, as much as I try to think of it fondly I am also more disheartened. I probably celebrated more than 18 years of happy moments on that special date and now I am left but with memories I try so hard to remember.
I am talking about my best friend's birthday. I miss my friend terribly. I hate to admit I still tear up each time I get stuck at the moment. I try to weigh in the instances on how many times I had ever had my heart broken. I had mine broken about 4 times, all because of bad relationships. This is the 5th and I couldn't believe this hurts so differently and so lasting. I guess it is true that love for a friend is completely different for love in a relationship or for family.
My best friend died about 8 years ago. She lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. The very odd thing about is, her family decided to hide her illness from relatives and friends. They locked her up at home and told everyone she migrated to Germany for a special training for work. I only found out she died about 5 years ago. At that time she has been dead for about 3 years.
I felt so betrayed. I was her best friend! I found out that her sister would use her email to fake emails to me saying her sister was just busy but that she asked her to write to me and just say how sorry she was. When I finally I was so tired to the "he said - she said" I pried the answers out of her. She admitted that it was their mother's wishes. She said she thinks her mother, until this day, has not accepted the fact that her sister had died.
I didn't cry when she was telling me the story about how my best friend suffered until to her last breathe. I also didn't cry when she said her sister was also upset that she couldn't tell me and she knew that I would be mad not knowing.
How could I ever be mad at her?! I am mad about the thought that I wasn't there to hold her hand. I am mad for not being there to comfort her through her pain but most of all I am mad I wasn't given the chance to say goodbye. That's what I am mad about; but never to her.
If ever you have had your heart broken and felt that life is so unfair. Think of this story, how me the blogger had expressed my grief and maybe you'd feel different about your broken heart. I didn't lose a boyfriend, that I can replace with another, I didn't divorce a husband not worth being married too, I could always find another, I didn't even lose a parent or grandparent due to old age, that is a given fact. I lost my best friend, the one person who listened to me rant about myself, the person who cheered me on when I was trying to be somebody and more importantly, I lost the one person who held my hand during all the time I lost the above. Now I am left alone to cry. I hug myself cause now she's not here with me to hug.