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Tips on how to save an unhappy marriage and make it better

Updated on August 25, 2011

How to save your marriage

Often times we look to our spouse for the answers or blame them for the problems in the marriage, and this is one main reason why marriage does not work.

Trying to change your spouse without changing the way you act towards them will only get more of the same response.

Another huge misconception about marriage is that your spouse is the person responsible for making you happy. We often think if we are not happy then it is a bad marriage. In ordered to change the situation in a marriage in hopes of saving it or making it better, the change will have to come from within.

When we change ourselves we can change the dynamics of the marriage.


Changing you to change your marriage.

This is one of the hardest concepts to understand but it is the only way of going about making changes in a marriage that truly work. We are not capable of changing another person, they have to want to change themselves, and the only person that we have the power to change is ourselves.

The one positive aspect of all of this is that when a person does change themselves this will have a direct impact on the marriage. The dynamics of the marriage will change; because when one person changes it affects the other person in the relationship. "Think about a person who always asks his wife to have sex or is the one in the marriage to always make the first move, change this behavior and tell your wife, I am not going to ask for sex or approach you, I am ready whenever you want to so you just let me know."

Now you have taken that pressure off of you and put it onto your wife.

For women

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For Men

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The big light switch that must go off

To understand this concept better, let’s explain it like a chain reaction, if you normally tell your spouse to do something and this causes a fight and then the two of you argue, feelings are hurt and nothing gets resolved, this is the chain of events. So, instead of telling your spouse to do something ,you do it yourself, no more fight, no more hard feelings. Now, this may not sound like a solution to the problem, but it is, you have to decide that you are going to give up on trying getting your spouse to do that one thing and you will have no anger around it anymore and you do it yourself. "The big point here is that you let go of the anger around it.:


Taking baby steps

This is a process, so try it one step at a time, by changing little things in the marriage slowly. Make sure when you change the little things you hold no resentment and you continue to do it, it may take a week or three months to notice a change from your spouse, but just keep doing it and the dynamics will slowly change. The change may lead to bigger changes and make for a better relationship or it may allow you to open your eyes to the possibly that maybe your spouse is not the right person for you, but at least you are doing something proactive toward your marriage, you are changing you for the better.

Don't sweat the small stuff!!

A must read for everyone, it's a quick and easy read and it has great advice!


The end result is the change may make the marriage work or realize that the marriage is over

Many times people get stuck in a bad marriage or an unhappy marriage and they don't know how to change it. The reason is, that we cannot change others and the change has to be within ourselves, until we can fully understand this concept we will remain stuck in a bad marriage.

One of my personal favorite books is "Don't sweat the small stuff" It is a simple guide to just letting go of the little things and understand that they hold us back in life, and many times it is not worth it to get upset over the little things. As a marriage counselor myself, I always look for new ways to help others in their marriage and these few simple techniques can really work.

Along with changing oneself, you may also come to realize that the marriage is not going to work and that even though you changed and put the effort into it, the marriage is over. The one important aspect about this is that you are no longer stuck and can take the time to figure out how to get out of the marriage.


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