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Male Abuse: The Hidden Tragedy

Updated on May 19, 2013

Male Abuse: The Hidden Tragedy

The crime of male abuse within the home is a stain upon society. This article focuses on this and also as to why men feel the need to stay silent. Violence against women is treated by society in a much different way to that of men. Men are the silent victims of crimes against them within the home, which, if the roles were reversed, would see them in jail.

Male Abuse

The Silent Tragedy

It is the unspoken crime. The silent tragedy. The crime that countless thousands of men, up and down the land, dare not speak about. It exists, yet it is hidden behind closed doors. And why is it hidden? Well, if women hesitate to speak of their abuse at the hands of men, men are even less likely to do so about their abuse at the hands of women.

With men, pride plays an enormous part in males not coming forward to accuse their partners of abuse. Pride and shame are the two main things that can stain a man's own image of himself when he is being put through physical and/or mental abuse. Indeed, within society generally, men are looked upon as the potential abusers and women as potential victims to male violence. But life is much more complicated than that and nothing is as it seems.

There are a whole number of reasons as to why a woman would abuse her husband/partner. One has to look upon her mental state. Psychologically, was she affected in the past by experiencing abuse herself? Does she suffer with a borderline personality disorder? This condition is unique to women and, at least, 1-2% of women have this within their psychological make-up. It has been proven that over 50% of women who abuse their male partners, have a borderline personality disorder.

Suicidal thoughts and behavior is also associated with borderline personality disorder. This, along with alcoholism, violent mood swings, lying and sexual issues in the bedroom are also tell-tale signs. Indeed, women who suffer with this condition, all seem to have unreasonable and unreachable expectations of their partners.

If their partners do not reach those expectations, then violence very often follows, both physical and verbal. Such women suffer with chronic depression, low self-esteem and insecurity. When they are with a partner who is confident with himself, who carries himself well and is secure with himself, this can enhance their partner's feelings of worthlessness and resentment toward their significant other even more.

When things go wrong then inevitably men are to blame. Women who suffer with this condition are more likely to blame men for all of their problems then face up to them. This condition normally begins in childhood, with some kind of trauma experienced by the child. It is this trauma that is quite often the trigger for borderline personality disorder.

As the child grows older, the condition becomes worse. So much so, that when in a relationship, it is often the men who take the blame for the way their wife or girlfriend feels. As the condition worsens they refuse to seek help or treatment - choosing instead, to blame everyone around them for how they are. Of course, any man who is within this type of relationship - and who can see what is wrong - has to be mentally strong to put up with what is to come.

Men will continue to be hit, spat at, assaulted - both physically and mentally - until women acknowledge their actions are wrong and they seek voluntary help. Until then, men will continue to suffer in silence. However, at the same time, men have to also seek the help they so desperately need, as they continue to suffer from those who are supposed to love them.

In both cases help can only come when both the abuser and the victim seeks help of their own free will. For those men who find themselves the victims of abuse at the hands of their partners, they need to speak up and speak out - and get out of the home for their own safety.

There are too many men who are, right now, living in a nightmare existence. And it is these same men who have been mentally and physically abused for many years. It is strange therefore that a society who, quite rightly, speaks out and urges women who are victims of abuse at the hands of men, to come forward, is then strangely silent when it is men who are the abused.

I, myself, spent 13 years trapped within a nightmare marriage in which I was mentally abused for the vast majority of that time. Told how to dress, how to stand, not to sing in the house, not to whistle in the house. I had money stolen from me for years by her, while she kept me without a penny, until I spoke out about it.

It was a type of insidious control she had over me, mentally, that I just could not break away from. She was the type of person who would forever find fault in me, but would overlook her own weaknesses and faults.

Never once did I lash out and hit her, which was against my nature anyway. But I did try to defend myself by arguing back. I am no angel, no one is. But no one deserved to be put through mental torture when they had done absolutely nothing wrong.

I am the type of person that likes to take myself out of the situation and out of the house when an argument happened. Many times I would just go out to get away, to find peace of mind. I would go for long walks by myself to try and clear my head, but knowing deep down, that I was trapped in a prison that I thought I could never escape from.

And then I met someone, through my writing, who, if it had not been for her, I would be dead by now. She came along at just the right time, because I was mentally, gone. Although we are not together, I thank her for helping me because, I really did need help.

I lost the will to live, and only existed day by day. It is funny because, although I knew it was going on, I was kind of blind to what people where saying to me, as they could see what I refused to see.

But they did not see everything, because, behind closed doors, the mental abuse - not physical, but mental - was something I had never had to face before in my life. But my writing kept me sane, kept me going.

Because writing was all I knew, and all I had known for many many years. My writing was all that I had that truly belonged to me. Everything else had been taken from me, so I clung onto what I knew, and what was mine. Something that could never be taken from me by her, or by anyone.

I do regret not leaving much sooner. 13 years it took me to eventually pluck up the courage to leave a nightmare existence and walk out of that door for good. But even now, I have flashbacks and dark thoughts that come out as nightmares during sleep. I write this article because I do not want any other man to go through what I went through.

For myself, I did not speak up, but suffered in silence, because of the shame of it. I allowed her to keep control of every aspect of my life, and I eventually lost my individuality while I was with her. I am slowly but surely getting it back, as I now live alone, but it will take time.

And sometimes I do lash out, but it is against the wall, when the memories of what I went through come flooding back. But at least I am lashing out against the wall, and not against another human being. For men, pride and shame play their part, and are the sole reasons as to why, in their silence, they are suffering.

It also could be that the reason men refuse to leave the home is the fact that many may still love their partners. In my case, my love for my wife had died many years ago, but I put up with the mental abuse because I was not strong enough to leave. I knew no better. And there are thousands of men, up and down the country, who find themselves in the same position.

This destructive chain has to end now by either seeking help, or escaping the family home, as I myself did, in 2012. Yet help can only arrive, when men are ready for it. Until men realize that enough is enough, that they are the abused and that there are laws to help them, then they will continue to suffer. Until then, male abuse will continue to be known as, the silent and the hidden tragedy.

Male Abuse - The Hidden Tragedy

Male abuse is a crime. It is as simple as that. Yet society treats men who suffer at the hands of their partners with much less sympathy then if it were women going through this. There are a number of reasons for this, not least because within society there is a stigma attached to the whole concept and idea of men being attacked by women.

Society is comfortable with the fact that men can be killers, murderers. Yet there is something deep inside that stirs us uncomfortably, when women murder and abuse. Is this because women produce life and are the mothers that we go too when we are hurt, or scared, or just need comfort?

It is an amalgamation of all of this. So society turns a blind eye to men being attacked, raped and even abused within their home by women who are supposed to love them. This article focuses on the fact that so few men report this crime, through sheer shame and male pride. And, while this crime goes on unreported, it will continue on.

Joining Forces: Empowering male Survivors to Thrive
Joining Forces: Empowering male Survivors to Thrive

This book makes powerful reading. it is written from the point of view of the male victim of domestic abuse.

It is empowering, showing men who are going through domestic abuse that they can overcome their fears.

The author - who has had 30 years experience in this subject - shows the victim how they can dare to dream about a future and a better life.

It shows people how they can challenge their dysfunctional beliefs on the road to their healing process.

The book is based on the experiences of over 750 male survivors of abuse. The book is in-depth, and written with deep care about a subject that is hardly spoken about.

Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse
Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse

This book, written by Mike Lew, is on a subject that is hardly spoken about at all. We hear a lot about male abuse against women and children. But we hardly hear of female abuse against men. This is a travesty that has to be spoken about a lot more.

Although the author focuses on men who have suffered sexual trauma, I found it interesting because, whether it was sexual trauma or mental trauma - which is what I suffered for many years - the two are more or less inter twinned. Because sexual abuse is also mental abuse too. I want to congratulate the author on touching on a subject that is a crime, that is not spoken about, and, that has affected me, mentally, in a big way. .


Male Abuse


Male Abuse

Male abuse is the silent tragedy, that takes place up and down the land. It happens behind closed doors and is the crime men dare not speak about. A lot is known about the abuse of women, at the hands of men - but not so much information in reference to men, being abused by their wives/girlfriends.

This article takes a hard look at this, and tries to put the record straight. That mental and physical abuse of men IS A CRIME, which should be deal with, using the full force of the law. Because, of the boot was on the other foot, men would be arrested and jailed.

Male Abuse

If you are a male, suffering abuse at the hands of your female partner, watch the following video. You are not alone.

Dispatches - Male Victims of Abuse

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    • wleon63 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      @darkflowers: My friend, I am well out of that nightmare now. But the mental scars I still suffer with to this day. I hope my lens helps those who are suffering such abuse. If it only helps just one man, then it has done its job, Thank you for reading.

    • darkflowers profile image

      Anja Toetenel 

      5 years ago from The Hague, the Netherlands

      It takes a lot of courage to be open about this, very good you did, I think this Lens is going to help a lot of other male that are in a situation now that you were in once. Very good Lens! I hope you're happy now and were able to overcome this horrible nightmare!

    • wleon63 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      @SteveKaye: I can well believe that my friend. It does go on. Thank you for reading and commenting. Also, thank you for the 'squidlike'. It is much appreciated.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      Many years ago we rented an apartment where the owners lived downstairs. She beat up her husband every day. It was unbelievable.

    • wleon63 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      @ViolaSuSi: By the way, thank you for 'liking' my lens. I do appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

    • wleon63 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      @ViolaSuSi: All cases of domestic abuse just shouldn't happen. it is a crime. And what you have written to me is horrific. However, when it comes to men being the 'abused'. this is more common than many people think. It is also a taboo subject.

      Why? Because men are seen as the stronger sex, as the ones who keep their emotions to themselves. Which is why men stay silent when the abuse happens against them. Society never thinks, for one minute, that men could be on the receiving end of such abuse - be it sexual, physical or mental. Mine was mental abuse, and I eventually escaped after being in a 13 year marriage of hell.

    • ViolaSuSi profile image


      5 years ago

      Not much heard of male abuse maybe because it's not spoken out often but which surely occurs. Instead women domestic abuse happens all the time. At least here in Italy you'll hear of stalked, molested, raped and finally killed women and girls every day. And you can not go away, no divorce will save you but 'jail' (that is a place away and unknown by him where you'll live hidden without going out or very little to not be discovered), because he'll be there stalking you and not letting you free until he doesn't reach his goal. In these cases men just don't accept to be left, to have lost their 'puppet' so they take their vengeance on them. It's not only hand abuse it's also psychological one which ends in a really tragic way almost all the time.

    • Redneck Lady Luck profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 

      5 years ago from Canada

      Because of physical differences it is most often a woman or child who suffers from the abuse in a home but male abuse also does occur. Any abuse is traumatic to undergo whether it is physical, or emotional, to a woman or toward a man.

    • wleon63 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      @Karli McClane: You are right. It does take a huge effort to leave. But it must be done in order to save yourself. I have finally made that move. Thank you for reading, my friend. Much appreciated.

    • Karli McClane profile image

      Psycho Free Zone 

      5 years ago from USA

      It takes a tremendous amount of courage to finally leave an abuser. Now you have the chance to grow as a person and forge real friendships.


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